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Dealing with the mutual friends

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litahall posted 7/19/2013 14:26 PM

My spouse and I are working on rebuilding our relationship after a very intense emotional affair with the OW. An issue I can't seem to find a way to deal with the "right way" is the friends. Some of my spouse's friends who really don't know me very well (but knew of me and have met me) are friends with the OW and I am not comfortable being around them now that my spouse is trying to include me more. I am just not ready to hang out with his friends and the OW.

I know I can't expect my spouse to stop being friends with them, but how do I handle all of this. If I stay away, I am being uncooperative with the reconciliation. If I go and see the OW, or go to places they hung out, I go into a very depressed state and just want to curl up somewhere and cry.

I realize that this may be unfair to my spouse but I don't know what else to do other than exclude myself and it makes me so sad

cdnmommy posted 7/19/2013 14:34 PM

I know I can't expect my spouse to stop being friends with them, but how do I handle all of this.


No, really. Why? It is widely accepted that both spouses may have to give up friends who are not "friends of the marriage" in order to reconcile. It seems to me that friends of your WS who are not sensitive to your need to be away from the OW are not particularly good friends to you, or to your WS for that matter.

This seems like a good opportunity to evaluate all your friendships and cultivate those you both feel good about.

AFrayedKnot posted 7/19/2013 14:34 PM

We walked away from all mutual friends. All defriended and blocked on Facebook. Stopped going to any social activities with them. We completely disappeared from their social circle.

We started spending our time in another town and have been working on meeting to people and developing and new circle.

It was a struggle at first but it has been exciting meeting and getting to know new people together.

Our relationship is our primary relationship. Any other relationship is secondary and needs to be treated that way.

musiclovingmom posted 7/19/2013 14:41 PM

Seems to me that your H is being 'uncooperative with the reconciliation' if he is asking you to spend time around OW or spending time with her himself. How does that help your healing or help you regain trust in him? Your registration date isn't even a month old - is that close to your DDay? No way in hell I'd ever consider spending time with her. EVER. Yes, we have mutual friends. They all know. They all respect that I will NOT be around her for ANY reason and neither will my H. This includes the bible study class I love. My teacher works with OW and knows the situation and, while he still encourages her to attend church somewhere on Sunday, he never invites her to our class anymore. Anyone who is unwilling to recognize how painful it is to you and harmful it is to your relationship is not a real friend. Real friends are concerned for the well being of their friends.

litahall posted 7/19/2013 15:15 PM

Wow! I appreciate all the responses. I was really starting to feel it was me that was weird for feeling this way. I really wanted to accept his way of seeing things but I just can't get over the painful feelings.

It makes me feel weak and judged when I do give into my feelings...even if for just a moment.

DDay#1: Aug 2012

SorrowBhindSmile posted 7/19/2013 15:20 PM

This is a terrible situation. The OW was a "dear" friend of ours, so we have several mutual friends in common. I can most certainly understand your pain....i live it daily.

I can't expect my spouse to stop being friends with them

Yes, you can. Sadly, that is part of the fallout. My WH and i have had to sacrifice friendships for the good of our marriage. If they are not friends of the marriage, then they are not friends.....especially if they expect you to push your feelings down and associate with the OW. True friends would never expect that of you...and if this is what these friends expect...they are not even worth your second thought. Our WS's made the choice to cheat....if they want true R then they will stand up, own what they did and begin to make the sacrifices that it takes for the BS to heal.

If I stay away, I am being uncooperative with the reconciliation

NO NO NO. that is not true. being put in a situation where you have to "hang out" with the OW is completely unacceptable. period. If your WS is expecting that of you....that is appalling. There are not even words for me to express how wrong that is.

I realize that this may be unfair to my spouse

Its not about your spouse. Your spouse cheated. This is about what your spouse is willing to do to help you heal. This is about the sacrifices your spouse is willing to make to save your marriage.

I am so sorry you find yourself here. But know this is a wonderful site with many incredible people. You will always find support here. you are not alone. hugs to you.

Heavy Sigh posted 7/19/2013 15:36 PM

If these are hometown friends, he can meet them individually or in small groups that don't include the OW. He can have lunch with a male friend, or a drink after work. He doesn't need to hang at a bar with the friends that include her. That's over or you two are over. He can't be trusted doing that. He's proved how untrustworthy he is in social situations with OW.

He can be there for their graduations, weddings, christenings, parents' funerals and send a birthday card. He can do this without hanging with the crowd and OW for a day. Show up, be supportive, call on the phone later and leave. He isn't required to sit in their homes with OW there to be a friend. He can be a friend one on one with each.

If he picnics at the stadium at the ballgame with the crowd. That's over. He's proved he can't be trusted in those situations, so the two of you can show up with tickets at game time, near some friends and far, far away from OW so you cannot see, hear her or meet her eye. Better yet, he can do penance by skipping a season with these friends until OW finds a new job and moves to the end of the earth, or until you do. Or giving up games and watching them on TV.

He cannot go out to the bar and hang with the crowd that includes her. That's over. He's proved he cannot be trusted in that situation, so he can shut the h*ll up about his whining and find another bar, other friends, for music and watching games.

[This message edited by Heavy Sigh at 3:40 PM, July 19th (Friday)]

litahall posted 7/19/2013 15:43 PM

The more I read the responses, the more I understand that my self-esteem is still shot. Ya'll are all right! I'm tired of having to suck it up to keep the peace! It's killing me!

I am going to have a little conversation real soon as I pull myself togeter

Dare2Trust posted 7/20/2013 00:34 AM

I know I can't expect my spouse to stop being friends with them
Can I ask: WHY NOT???

These people...and especially the OW are not FRIENDS OF YOUR MARRIAGE - SO, they must go!!!

It's that simple.

karmahappens posted 7/20/2013 06:38 AM

I know I can't expect my spouse to stop being friends with them

I cannot say anything that hasn't already been said....and I agree with everyone.

We dropeed EVERYONE that knew about the A and all mutual friends.

None of them had our best interests at heart and none of them cared about our marriage.

So easy to say good-bye.

Move on and find friends you can both share (like minded couples) and start fresh.

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