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caught again but he won't confess

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nestlee posted 7/19/2013 14:44 PM

Hi, I've been devoted to my husband for 11 years now. We have 3 kids together. When I first started dating my husband my BF saw him at a bar with another woman..when I confronted him. He denied everything and called my bf a list. A year later he confessed and apologized. Told me it was with a married woman he worked with. I forgave and years passed.

In 2010 my husband started being very secretive. He locked his computer. Started shaving his private parts before he went to work.( night shift) would come home in the morning smelling like a different soap. Working out more. Home less. 2011 I got pregnant with our youngest . had to have a emergency C- section. 2 days later had to have my uterus taking out du to an infection. Everything was fine. October of 2012 my husband asked me to go in car to get Tylenol. I couldn't find it. So I opened a little compartment and 2 condoms fell out. When I nicely confronted him about them. He said he found them at work. He used one on him self. He bought them for us. We don't use them or need condoms. My gut is telling me he's cheated again. But he won't admit it. I tried to bring it up again. Because I feel as his wife I deserve the truth. I feel so hurt and confused. How this man..that said he loves me soo much. Can keep lying straight to my face. I don't know what to do.

wanttogoforward posted 7/19/2013 14:50 PM

He doesn't need to confess for you to know the truth in your heart... he is a cheater and you've certainly found enough evidence to convict him in your heart...

I would begin to investigate everything and certainly inspect everything... tear that house and car apart.... VAR... everything... he is clearly a liar and will not fess up...

pewpewpew posted 7/19/2013 15:35 PM

Play nice. Drop it. Do some digging.
He is not going to confess.
Check phone records, get a voice activated recorder and plant it in his car.

sad12008 posted 7/19/2013 18:15 PM

I learned the hard way that where there's smoke, there's fire. Your gut is telling you something; you need to listen.

I'd bet the farm he's having an affair. Those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. 2010 was when the big red flags started waving, it sounds like.

I'd highly recommend you start going into active information-gathering mode. I strongly recommend you read, read, read here on SI, specifically in the Just Found Out and General forums, and with particular attention to the Tactical Primer thread in Just Found Out.

I'm so very glad you've found us, nestlee; you are not alone and there is nothing new under the sun. There is a phenomenal amount of great information here as well as invaluable support. Without SI....well, there are many ways I could finish that sentence, but relative to your situation at present, I can say it is unlikely I would've gotten the truth, that my FWH would've stopped, that he would've had an epiphany, etc. Read my profile if you feel like a story started with a new email account.

So much of what you wrote resonated with me, beginning with cheating during dating (which got explained away), shifting to the secretive mode, sudden interest in manscaping, and of course the omnipresent DENIAL coupled with lame-ass efforts to explain away whatever has tipped you off to his doings. It is lame ass, his condom excuse.

If you have to suspend disbelief, chances are it's not the truth.

I don't know where your H works, but he finds two rubbers...where?...and decides to pick them up (why...because they're so valuable? ...because the thought of using a rubber that someone else dropped turns him on? ...?)...puts them in his car -- NOT on the seat, or tucked in a pocket, but into a small compartment in the car...where they stay until you find them. You had a hysterectomy, and most men I've known (unless they have a problem finishing too fast) don't exactly love condoms due to a real or perceived loss of sensitivity.

You as his wife not only deserve the truth, you deserve to be treated with respect and that starts with a faithful and honest spouse. They will, indeed, lie right to your frikkin' face. Oh,'s the rare case when a cheater doesn't, frankly.

You're likely in a sickening turmoil of stress, fear, sorrow, anger, and doubt right now. We all get that, and just know you're in the right spot now for help and caring. Also know that cheating is about brokenness in the cheater, not about you and not about your marriage.

brkn_heartd posted 7/19/2013 21:14 PM

Your gut is right. I agree with pew....let it go for now, get your facts straight, get a plan together then drop the bomb. If he thinks you are accepting of his story he will stay relaxed and you will be more likely to find evidence.

nestlee posted 7/19/2013 22:39 PM

Thank you for the great replys. I don't think I will be able to find anymore evidence unless someone comes forth and tells me. He's very secretive and doesn't use his laptop at home anymore. I think he only goes on the net during work hours now. He always gets rid of His pay stubs and bank statements before I can see them. He has got ridden of his cell phone. And I checked every where to see if he hidden a new one from me. But I have found nothing. He quit working out and out of the blue started smoking pot. If he's not working...then he's always at home with me. I have ransacked my house and his car. But can't find anymore evidence. He's good at covering up his trail.

RidingHealingRd posted 7/19/2013 22:51 PM

I would put a VAR in his car.

Do you have an iPhone? I would activate the *find my phone* app, silence the phone, and hide it in his car to track his travels.

Can you go to his place of employment and watch to see if he goes to lunch with anyone or if he leaves work early?

Had I done this I would have caught my WH for sure.

broken2013 posted 7/20/2013 02:49 AM

Sorry but it sounds like he's doing something wrong. maybe not having an affair but just going to some shady places, strip clubs, massage parlors etc.
my husband also started doing many of the same things about 4 months back. it started when we found out i'm pregnant with #2, he didn't want another baby but we were both having unprotected sex. so i got preg. after hearing the news, he got really made at me. stopped having sex with me. even started sleeping in different rooms.
anyway the interesting part is, he also started working out every day for the first time in his life. and started shaving his body specially private parts regularly. started concentrating too much on his looks. his taste in music suddenly changed. made some weird friends who are all womanizers. started spending lots of money, shopping endlessly even though he use to b a miser before. finally one day i found out he's been a regular customer at some shady massage parlors. some of those massage parlors give happy endings (if you know what i mean). he's also been going to strip clubs. spending hundreds of dollars. and every time he went to the massage parlors or strip clubs, he'd shave his body specially private parts. when he comes home from those places, he just throws his clothes in the washer, thats the first thing he does.
maybe your husband also found one of those places. i agree with another member that you should act all naive and nice for a while. in that time, gather evidence. men leave traces most of the times. if not a lot, maybe something like money spent on credit card statements that you don't remember spending. if nothing else works, hire a private investigator. gather evidence and then confront him. sadly even if he's not having an affair, i'm quite sure he's doing something bad

Gr8Lady posted 7/20/2013 12:19 PM

As much as you want to believe him, ask that sinking feeling in your gut.
I am so sorry for the pain you are in. I doubt he will admit until you have tangible proof.

Ps. Years ago I came across condoms that my wh denied and said he found. I hate to tell you how many years it took for him to finally tell me the truth. Yes Years

Pippy posted 7/20/2013 12:36 PM

Hon, I have to ask, is it possible that the "infection" that cuased you to have a hysterectomy was caused by an STD? You need to get tested ASAP.

To make sure you stay in stealth mode, ask him to use condoms with you because you are still having infection problems.

I'm sorry but I don't see one red flag. This guy is a whole parade of them. God know what he has brought home to you.

ALso open your own chequing and savings accounts and your own credit card. Make copies of everything financial. Are there any old pay stubs around? Copy tax statements, investments, insurance , vehicle registrations, expense statements,EVERYTHING! If you are on the chequing account and credit card with him, go to the bank and demand printouts.

Then go to see a Lawyer just to know your rights and options. He sounds like he is setting things up to leave you with no support at all. When you get groceries, pay with your debit card and get a little extra cash each time, to stow away.

I hid a recorder on top of my kitchen cabinets over the phone. It sounds to me like she is a co-worker. They often are. Hugs.

nestlee posted 7/20/2013 14:39 PM

Hi, thanks again for all the great replies. No the infection in my uterus was from complications during my emergency C- section. Last month I had a full physical and every std test on the list. Thank goodness everything was fine. I don't think he will ever tell me the truth. But I know deep down in side I know he hasn't been faithful.

doggiediva posted 7/20/2013 15:31 PM

I don't envy you..You have some difficult decisions to make...With that said, as long as you don't let WH walk all over you, you have whatever time you need....

whattheh posted 8/4/2013 17:04 PM

Would you be able to access the bank account and credit card statements online so you can view activity?

Also sounds like he could be using the vehicle for cheating since he's storing condoms there? Perhaps a listening device in car could pick up activity or phone calls?

Most cheaters only admit when there's undisputable evidence and they won't elaborate.

Has he seemed more distant from you emotionally? Is he being mean or disagreeable and leaving house? Is he less available via his cell or ar work?

[This message edited by whattheh at 5:05 PM, August 4th (Sunday)]

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