In 2010 my husband started being very secretive. He locked his computer. Started shaving his private parts before he went to work.( night shift) would come home in the morning smelling like a different soap. Working out more. Home less. 2011 I got pregnant with our youngest . had to have a emergency C- section. 2 days later had to have my uterus taking out du to an infection. Everything was fine. October of 2012 my husband asked me to go in car to get Tylenol. I couldn't find it. So I opened a little compartment and 2 condoms fell out. When I nicely confronted him about them. He said he found them at work. He used one on him self. He bought them for us. We don't use them or need condoms. My gut is telling me he's cheated again. But he won't admit it. I tried to bring it up again. Because I feel as his wife I deserve the truth. I feel so hurt and confused. How this man..that said he loves me soo much. Can keep lying straight to my face. I don't know what to do.
I would begin to investigate everything and certainly inspect everything... tear that house and car apart.... VAR... everything... he is clearly a liar and will not fess up...
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, pack your shit and get out.
Fool me once - Shame on you. Fool me twice - pack your shit and get out.
I'd bet the farm he's having an affair. Those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. 2010 was when the big red flags started waving, it sounds like.
I'd highly recommend you start going into active information-gathering mode. I strongly recommend you read, read, read here on SI, specifically in the Just Found Out and General forums, and with particular attention to the Tactical Primer thread in Just Found Out.
I'm so very glad you've found us, nestlee; you are not alone and there is nothing new under the sun. There is a phenomenal amount of great information here as well as invaluable support. Without SI....well, there are many ways I could finish that sentence, but relative to your situation at present, I can say it is unlikely I would've gotten the truth, that my FWH would've stopped, that he would've had an epiphany, etc. Read my profile if you feel like a diversion...my story started with a new email account.
So much of what you wrote resonated with me, beginning with cheating during dating (which got explained away), shifting to the secretive mode, sudden interest in manscaping, and of course the omnipresent DENIAL coupled with lame-ass efforts to explain away whatever has tipped you off to his doings. It is lame ass, his condom excuse.
If you have to suspend disbelief, chances are it's not the truth.
I don't know where your H works, but he finds two rubbers...where?...and decides to pick them up (why...because they're so valuable? ...because the thought of using a rubber that someone else dropped turns him on? ...?)...puts them in his car -- NOT on the seat, or tucked in a pocket, but into a small compartment in the car...where they stay until you find them. You had a hysterectomy, and most men I've known (unless they have a problem finishing too fast) don't exactly love condoms due to a real or perceived loss of sensitivity.
You as his wife not only deserve the truth, you deserve to be treated with respect and that starts with a faithful and honest spouse. They will, indeed, lie right to your frikkin' face. Oh, yes...it's the rare case when a cheater doesn't, frankly.
You're likely in a sickening turmoil of stress, fear, sorrow, anger, and doubt right now. We all get that, and just know you're in the right spot now for help and caring. Also know that cheating is about brokenness in the cheater, not about you and not about your marriage.
Do you have an iPhone? I would activate the *find my phone* app, silence the phone, and hide it in his car to track his travels.
Can you go to his place of employment and watch to see if he goes to lunch with anyone or if he leaves work early?
Had I done this I would have caught my WH for sure.
The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.
Ps. Years ago I came across condoms that my wh denied and said he found. I hate to tell you how many years it took for him to finally tell me the truth. Yes Years
To make sure you stay in stealth mode, ask him to use condoms with you because you are still having infection problems.
I'm sorry but I don't see one red flag. This guy is a whole parade of them. God know what he has brought home to you.
ALso open your own chequing and savings accounts and your own credit card. Make copies of everything financial. Are there any old pay stubs around? Copy tax statements, investments, insurance , vehicle registrations, expense statements,EVERYTHING! If you are on the chequing account and credit card with him, go to the bank and demand printouts.
Then go to see a Lawyer just to know your rights and options. He sounds like he is setting things up to leave you with no support at all. When you get groceries, pay with your debit card and get a little extra cash each time, to stow away.
I hid a recorder on top of my kitchen cabinets over the phone. It sounds to me like she is a co-worker. They often are. Hugs.
Also sounds like he could be using the vehicle for cheating since he's storing condoms there? Perhaps a listening device in car could pick up activity or phone calls?
Most cheaters only admit when there's undisputable evidence and they won't elaborate.
Has he seemed more distant from you emotionally? Is he being mean or disagreeable and leaving house? Is he less available via his cell or ar work?
[This message edited by whattheh at 5:05 PM, August 4th (Sunday)]