Let me start off by saying this might be a bit long. I haven't told the whole story to anybody yet and really need to vent and get it out. So here goes.
I married young, and still am young. I have only been married for about a year and a half. I got married to an older guy that I had only known for about 6 months. Yes, I know. My first mistake. I truly did believe I loved him and that I wanted to be with him. Now, I'm not so sure I ever did. Love him. And I'm not so sure I want to be with him.
I started a new job recently and became friends with one of my male co workers. We hung out after work sometimes, it was all innocent (so i believed/ told myself). My husband knew about him, and the OM had a girlfriend who knew about me. Yes, I did find him attractive and could feel myself growing more attracted to him the more we hung out. I did not think it would ever ever ever come to anything, and I didn't even think I wanted it to.
I started doing a little reading online and started reading about emotional affairs. Thought to myself we might be having one... but no, we weren't. I was convinced. It was innocent. Then one Friday evening I went out with the OM and some other co workers. Invited the hubby who was not interested in coming. The night ended with me going back to the OM's house and he ended up telling me he was attracted to me, that he imagined us together, that he wondered what would have happened if he had met me before his girlfriend... and I, stupidly, confessed that I felt and wondered those things too. Nothing happened that night, although I knew a line had been crossed. After that we began texting. The whole weekend was spent texting, how much we liked each other, and eventually it led to a little mild sexting. I told him maybe we shouldnt hang out anymore and that we should only see each other at work.
I wish wish wish to the end of time that I would have stuck with that right then and there. But obviously this is not where the story ended, and I saw him again outside of work. We decided that nothing had to change, we could still be friends even if we were attracted to each other. But we still texted. We told each other how much we thought of kissing each other, of how amazing the sex would be. I KNEW that I was in an emotional affair. I told myself many times back out now. End it. I read my forums and websites on emotional affairs and I knew that I had to end it or it would turn into a PA. Even knowing this, I didn't end it. A part of me wanting it to go further, I guess. Back and forth I went, saying yes lets hang out, no we cant, yes no yes no yes no. Finally one weekend my husband was out of town, I downed a glass of wine and went over to his house.
We proceeded to drink more wine and talk about our feelings. I knew going over there something was going to happen, and I am sickened with myself that I premeditated it. We ended up having a steamy make out session on his bed. Following by a few more make out sessions and a little light petting. No sex, although we both wanted to.
Immediately after the first kiss, I started crying. I knew I was going to feel so guilty. But I knew all this BEFORE and I did it anyway. I can't figure out what is wrong with me.
I told my husband a day later. I was CONSUMED with guilt, and I know some people think it is selfish to rid yourself of the guilt and cause harm to someone else, but I had too. Clearly, my husband was not pleased. He was angry. He told me to quit my job. He said never see OM again. These things I expected.
OM had also told his gf. We did not stop talking. Hubby came home and we made up. He forgave me very easily, almost too easily. The next day we went to a baseball game together and got drunk. I should have realized this was a bad idea, and I also should have realized he was more and upset than he let on. When we got back to our home he exploded. SO ANGRY. So much yelling. He ended up smacking me right across the face. I was stunned. He did not leave a mark, but it hurt, and I could not believe it. He has never laid a hand on me. He then threw me on the bed, got very close and screamed in my ear. I ran and locked myself in the bathroom. I was terrified of him. He came, pounded on the door, threatening to break it down. I let him in, and he grabbed my phone from me.. WHO ARE YOU TRYING TO GET IN TOUCH WITH?! He kept yelling. I pushed him away from me, because like I said I was afraid. He fell backwords into the bathtub...stood up, and chucked my phone in the toilet. I ran downstairs, told him I was leaving the house. He then proceeded to bang his head repeatedly against the wall, leaving a fucking DENT he was hitting his head so hard. Then he started crying and said he didn't want to lose me.
I was scared. And upset. And confused. And like the idiot I am, I left and went to the OM house for comfort which he was all too glad to give. He held my while I cried and said all the right things. I felt safe in his arms. We kissed a little but nothing else. I left his house feeling... well, I'm not sure what I felt. The next day I did not go to work and neither did my husband. We decided we are going to work through this.
He wanted me to quit my job, and I didn't. I didn't end up having to quit because the OM got fired- after the first night we became intimate he did not come to work the next day. Or the next. Or the next. So, goodbye your fired. This was just over a week ago that he got fired, and the last time I saw him. We made plans for me to come over, but I cancelled them. Trying the NC thing. But we have still been texting a little.
My husband does not know the emotional side of this. He does not know that I feel like I was falling for this OM. He does not know the other man told me he was falling in love with me, writing me poems, and writing me songs. I feel at this point it would only make the situation worse between us.
But it is ripping me apart. I try not to text him, and we haven't been texting as much. My emotions go from being convinced I hate him- after all, if he was 'falling in love' why had he not left his girlfriend? Why did he not realize that this would tear my life apart. Why why why. I have been reading and reading and I know that it is only myself I can be mad at.
Then my emotions, my heart, tell myself GO see him. You want to. You deserve to be happy, don't you? Just go see him, nothing has to happen. My heart is trying to convince my head that I deserve to see him once last time and get some.. closure? But I know that is silly. I need to listen to my head, right??? Not my heart.
I know all about this fog. I knew while I was in it, and I know now, that I THINK I am coming of it. I am a smart girl. I know that I don't love OM, and he does not love me. He has not seen me at my worst, I haven't seen him. I know this. I know this. I know this. I know if I continue to see/talk/anything him things are ONLY going to get worse. Then WHY is that all I want? I am SO mad at myself, but all I want is to see him. Even if its one last time. I hate myself for this, and I dont know what to do.
I know it is awful. The whole thing. Writing it makes me feel awful. The past two weeks I have been depressed. Eating unhealthy, not going to the gym, unable to snap out of it. Literally unable to think of anything other than the OM. He is in my head CONSTANTLY. My husband has noticed of course, says he does not understand what is wrong with me. He knows I am upset about everything that happened, but he does not know that I am upset because I am in withdrawal from OM.
Advice, comments, anything are welcome. Sorry again that this was long, but I needed it out. So it's out.