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Spending Time Together while 180ing

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NewMom0220 posted 7/19/2013 16:32 PM

I'm 180ing and it really helps. I'm more focused on myself and doing a good job of not reacting, engaging, or worrying about WS. Just by consistently following the 180 I've noticed that the roller coaster has slowed down and I'm more in control of my emotions.

I'm also afraid that I'm prolonging the inevitable. I feel like I'm getting so used to life without him that in one way it's good...but then I think if we end up Divorced I'm going to fall into a deep dark pit of despair. WS isn't making any moves to try and come back home (he's staying at his sister's) and we aren't really talking about anything except the baby & finances.

The problem is that whenever the drama dies down and we are more stable like this we fall back into hanging out and then the cycle starts up again. We hang out and then something triggers me and I get angry or lash out...then he withdraws and I get frustrated and threaten D. I've set up boundaries but we still see each other when he brings the baby home after work.

My problem is that I can feel the cycle starting again. I'm doing the 180, but the other night when he dropped off the baby he mentioned us doing something together this weekend.

Do I go? Do we hang out as a family? Our baby is only 4 months old and I would like to have memories of the three of us together, but let's face it...he isn't giving us what we need by living in a separate house and by not recommitting to the Marriage. I fear that if I shut him out completely he will never want to come back.

Anyway...I hear the "close down the bakery" advice swirling in my head. He isn't in contact with his AP (as far as I know) but he isn't exactly beating down the door to come back home. I almost feel like it's the time we spend together having fun with the baby is the time when he's most loving, kind, remorseful...mostly because I'm showing him kindness. When I've tried to talk about the A with him one on one...or I've been triggered by something and I've gone off on him, any remorse he's had goes out the window and he gets very defensive and goes back to the blame shifting shit.

What to do?

[This message edited by NewMom0220 at 4:34 PM, July 19th (Friday)]

FeelsSoRight posted 7/19/2013 16:42 PM

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but it sounds like he is playing you. He throws you a bone every now and then and expects you to say "Come home and all will be forgiven/forgotten". If you keep relenting and spending time with him, it makes him that much more sure you'll let him come home and he can get away with anything he wants because you will be so thankful he's there. But if you continue to 180, he is going to get the point eventually that he is going to have to shit or get off the proverbially pot. It sounds like that just might wake his ass up if you continue to 180 and don't cave in to his games.

Whatever the case, the 180 seems to be helping YOU, which is the main goal of the 180 to begin with. Stay the course, NewMom0220!

NewMom0220 posted 7/19/2013 16:48 PM

FeelsSoRight...This is NOT harsh. This is what I need to hear. Thank you so much.

Please, bring on the 2x4s people...I'm in a weak spot. This is how people fall off the 180 wagon. I do fall for the crumbs!!!

[This message edited by NewMom0220 at 4:48 PM, July 19th (Friday)]

JustWow posted 7/19/2013 17:39 PM

Don't keep letting him take you for a test drive.

180, baby NEEDS and finances. No faking happy family to satisfy whatever his screwed up motives are.

180 is for YOU. You need to get a little detachment hon, to see if YOU see what is necessary in R in him. Is he capable, will his actions be consistent? Are you even still interested or has he killed the dream? Who gives a rip what he thinks right now, he's mostly foggy and thinking with his little head...

180 is to give you time and space to make sure you take care of you.

If you're separated, both of you need to get used to life without each other. Not half date and further muddying of the waters. In or out.

Kids and finances. For you. To help you heal and see clearly what is the best, healthiest path for you.

(((((NM))))

[This message edited by JustWow at 5:39 PM, July 19th (Friday)]

twokids posted 7/19/2013 21:36 PM

I wasn't smart like you. I failed to 180 and ended up with 5+ DDays.

In my opinion he is telling you he is freaked out by the responsibilities of fatherhood. He can't sacrifice for the greater good. He's not husband material.

Yeah, you can let him slide, God knows I did, but the tragedy is that after all these years of gentle prodding, WH isn't able to be there
for me.

So, you can accept your WH for what he is ( and is not) or pretend to deny reality and hope he will develop into what you need. But don't fool yourself. Right now, and for the foreseeable future, he isn't husband material.

Pippy posted 7/20/2013 04:34 AM

Him wanting the "happy family times" is him trying to get rid of his guilty feelings. "See what I did, didn't hurt my family after all."

He knows you want to R. He knows he has to man up. He just doesn't want to. He needs to grow up.

Keep doing the 180 for you while he gets his head together. If he's not willing to do the work, then you don't need his drama in your life. You deserve better.

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