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User Topic: Office visit from BS to call OW......
AceKnight
♂ 39832
Member # 39832
Default  Posted: 4:53 PM, July 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Last night my BS called me to my office to review my work email account to search for all correspondence with the OW. There were quite a few emails, and voice mails that were found in my inbox. My BS went thru each one to verify the accuracy of how I describe the relationship versus how it was reflected in the correspondences.

They did not match as to how I was trying to downplay the nature of the relationship versus the true nature of it that I was living it. I was saying it was platonic and not heavily romantic when it was romantic once the A took off.

I had sent a text message earlier before we went to review my office emails that I was coming clean after reading some encouraging post about how to do so. Obviously, I still had some dirt on me and didn't come clean enough. Trying to answer more lies on the back end with the truth isn't good because it doesn't look like the truth. There was more that I should have included in the text message.

Today, my BS called me to meet her at my office and gave me a 30 minute time frame to get there or else. I am currently on vacation until next week. I met her at my office within the allotted time and we forwarded all the discovered emails to my BS personal email account. This was not done by my initiation but by my BS.

I was then told to call the OW and read the NC letter that my BS had prepared. I did so accordingly. I am not to be contacted via email, mail, phone, social media or any other methods of communication and vice versa. If so, I would be faced with having to resign my job. The OW (lives on East Coast) works in my field to and was told that the emails and voice mails would be sent out to others in our industry that would affect her working ability as well.

After that we called our Pastor who is helping us with R to inform him of what was done. Also, I removed myself from Facebook, Twitter, and LinkedIn to remove all the social media access that I have to renew, or gain relationships with women that would be inappropriate. I also deleted apps like Words with Friends and others that have the ability to chat and occupy family time with. This I did on my own.

Also, my BS has prepared 2 letters and said that if I or the OW disregard the NC agreement that they would be mailed to others in the industry we are in.

My BS left me in my office and went home where she called the OW and got another view of my A with her. Once again, there was some downplaying done on my end and inaccuracies.

I have failed to mention in this post that I had planned to meet up with the OW during my wedding anniversary weekend last year, left home and traveled across the country and missed my son's bday to be on a fellas trip that included time with my OW since she lived nearby, and also mailed a "just because" package my youngest daughter's birthday. When you are in it, you don't see all the freaking stop signs that are posted.

Right now the parameters have been set. Because I do need at least need Twitter for my job, I am going to ask my BS to run and manage my account as a provision to now engage in inappropriate conversations with females.

I am so deep sometimes in my skirting of the truth initially that I don't know what is going to come back to bite me in the ass, how I describe something versus the reality of it, when all I want to do is lay it all out according to how my BS needs to hear it. It is my sincere desire that going forward I don't skirt, tap, or minimize the truth.



Posts: 28 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: California
cdnmommy
♀ 30182
Member # 30182
Default  Posted: 5:03 PM, July 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Are you kidding me? I just put 2&2 together.

This morning you posted about being honest and feeling "protected" by the truth, and yet you admit to still withholding the truth you claim to know your BS needs?

I strongly suggest that you ask the mods to move this to the WS section and add a stop sign.


Me: BW
DDay: Oct 2010 + 6 weeks false R
2.5 (+?) year A with married coworker/my "friend"
1 great kid.
Reconciling and healing

Posts: 1790 | Registered: Nov 2010
AceKnight
♂ 39832
Member # 39832
Default  Posted: 5:17 PM, July 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry I am new to this. Please forgive me if I offended and upset anyone.

Posts: 28 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: California
meplusfour
♀ 38958
Member # 38958
Default  Posted: 5:21 PM, July 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BS here. I'm going to be as gentle as possible. My fWH tried to tell me that he had fully disclosed everything, that he was no longer keeping any secrets. I instinctively felt that my fWH was minimizing events and withholding the truth. I did the same thing that your BS did. I went through fWH's work email addresses and sent everything (including graphic photographs) to my home email. I then confronted fWH. Like you, he had "forgotten" certain events and downplayed certain things. The emails were deleted from his account but I continue to keep them on my account, in the event I ever need them. After this episode, I seriously considered filing for D. To have endured the first DDay and to have begun putting the pieces together, only to realize that fWH had withheld information from my, almost crushed any future for R.

It is incredibly painful to find out things on your own and to have trickle truth occur. To find out information from the OW is hurtful to say the least. Any healing that has begun is crushed and as the BS, you are back to DDay. You need to rack your brain, hand over your work calendar (hardcopy and electronic) and give her a timeline of the A. Why was a NC letter not sent immediately? Please face the fact that by downplaying and minimizing events, you are telling your BS that she is not worthy of the truth. That she only gets to know what you want to give her. By doing what you have done, you are not facing up to the consequences of your actions and addressing the pain you have caused. Your BS deserves the truth. Stop thinking about what telling the truth will mean for you and think about what your BS needs. Unfortunately for you, your BS has clearly taken matters into her own hands and is actively seeking the truth without you.

Learn from this experience. Answer any questions that your BS may have. Do not play word games, tell half-truths or gloss over events. Go to IC and continue to work on yourself so that you accept responsibility for your actions and prove that you are committed through your actions. Right now, your BS is probably not going to believe anything that you say no matter how sincere you appear to be. She has learned the hard way that you are capable of deceiving her over and over. Perhaps through time and hard work, your BS will be able to move towards R with you. Or maybe not.


BW (me)42
WH 44
3 daughters, 1 son
Married 10 years, together 13
DDay 3/14/2013, four year PA
In R
"Sometimes you have to accept the fact that certain things will never go back to the way they used to be."

Posts: 399 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Canada
cdnmommy
♀ 30182
Member # 30182
Default  Posted: 5:27 PM, July 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am neither offended, nor upset.

I do, however, find it troubling that you made a claim less than 24 hours ago to have offered the truth to your BS when you now admit you did not. You have some heavy work to do. What was your motivation in posting this in reconciliation, when clearly you are not ready to offer yourself up for that commitment?? (You don't owe me an answer, but I hope you will think about that.)


Me: BW
DDay: Oct 2010 + 6 weeks false R
2.5 (+?) year A with married coworker/my "friend"
1 great kid.
Reconciling and healing

Posts: 1790 | Registered: Nov 2010
doesitgetbetter
♀ 18429
Member # 18429
Default  Posted: 6:20 PM, July 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So what lessons did you learn from your cheating this time? It's not her first DDay, what steps will you take this time to make it her last that you didn't take last time? Apparently you stopped working on yourself at some point between the two DDays (presuming you worked on yourself at all).

And lastly, the last thing on earth you can possibly do to try to help this situation is minimize. You've been around this long enough, your BW has been on here long enough to have told you a million times, minimizing and trickle trothing are death sentences to a marriage. If you don't want to be with her, then leave, but don't keep screwing around and lying to her and killing her slowly each day. That's just cold hearted and cruel.


DDay - Dec '07
Me - BS
Him - FWS
Us - Committed
May 18, 2010 - I forgave him fully!
"Behold, I have refined thee, but not with silver; I have chosen thee in the furnace of affliction." Isaiah 48:10

Posts: 3859 | Registered: Feb 2008
SI Staff
10
Member # 10
Red  Posted: 7:41 PM, July 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

cdnmommy -

Please leave the modding to the mods. Thank you.


Posts: 10000 | Registered: May 2002
cdnmommy
♀ 30182
Member # 30182
Default  Posted: 7:49 PM, July 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My apologies.


Me: BW
DDay: Oct 2010 + 6 weeks false R
2.5 (+?) year A with married coworker/my "friend"
1 great kid.
Reconciling and healing

Posts: 1790 | Registered: Nov 2010
RidingHealingRd
♀ 33867
Member # 33867
Default  Posted: 9:29 PM, July 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

when all I want to do is lay it all out according to how my BS needs to hear it

You need to lay it all out according to how it happened. Just tell the truth.

Why not sit down with your BS, who already knows that your have been less than truthful, and tell her that you want to start again by telling the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth....And then follow through.

Your BS deserves this.


ME: 54 BS
HIM: 61 WH
Married: 28 years
D'Day: 10/29/10
in R 4 years and it's working but he is putting 200% into it (as he should) to make it right again.

The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.


Posts: 2157 | Registered: Nov 2011
Dare2Trust
♀ 21183
Member # 21183
Default  Posted: 11:32 PM, July 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

AceKnight:


You stated -

I was then told to call the OW and read the NC letter that my BS had prepared. I did so accordingly. I am not to be contacted via email, mail, phone, social media or any other methods of communication and vice versa. If so, I would be faced with having to resign my job. The OW (lives on East Coast) works in my field to and was told that the emails and voice mails would be sent out to others in our industry that would affect her working ability as well.

It appears - your wife is totally fed up with your LIES and the OW.
I'd suggest very strongly that both you and the OW listen to your wife very carefully IF:
---YOU want your marriage to have ANY CHANCE of reconciliation
---and IF either you or the OW ever expect to continue working in your chosen fields of employment.

Can I ask:
Are you seeing at therapist/counselor to address WHY you've cheated in the first place...and WHY you don't seem able to be honest with your wife?

Do you really, honestly, truly want your marriage to work?

If you do:
WHAT EXACTLY are you doing to help your wife START TO HEAL from your ongoing adulterous behaviors?

Now is the time for you to be brutually honest with your wife and to STOP trying to protect yourself by downplaying your adulterous behaviors/actions.

I'd also suggest you may want to start posting in the Wayward Spouses forum and ask for/and listen to the good advice and help you will be given there.

I'm wishing you the very best -- because that's why we are all here on SI...to help each other.


Me BS 59
WH 58
Married 19 years
D-Day Nov 3, 2005
Child: Adopted Daughter 21 College Student now

I can understand being alone; but I hate being with someone and feeling lonely.


Posts: 6197 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
sisoon
♂ 31240
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 7:48 AM, July 20th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know if this is aimed at you or your BW....

Apparently, if ow contacts you, your BW is done, though you might - or might not - take hits professionally. That means: If ow wants you or wants to damage you or your W, all she has to do is to make contact.

I'm not sure if that's really the way you and your W want this to work.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10755 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Topic Posts: 11

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