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BrokenOak posted 7/19/2013 16:57 PM

This morning the NC letter was mailed, and WW just gave me her timeline. A day-by-day chronology from June 17 to D-day.

Waiting as she wrote, I was returning to D-day. I expected to be gutted all over again, reliving D-day in vivid technicolor. Instead, I read it, and I understand it. After 10 years of marriage I know WW, I know her personal weaknesses, I know the circumstances we are in with my business travel, I know so many other unspoken factors, and it makes sense. She didn't speak to those (weakness, travel, etc...) or present them as excuses in the timeline, she mostly just chronographed the events of each day. I read the script and it fits with the backstory. It doesn't excuse the A, minimize her choice, but I right now I feel like I understand it.

It also jives almost exactly with what my gut was telling me and when.

It is light on a few details that this morning I thought I needed to know, but now I'm not sure I do. If what is there is true, I don't know that having more explicit details will help me move forward.

I feel uncomfortably content (not quite the right word, but best I can find) to move forward with IC & MC, to work on repairing the factors we both allowed to go unresolved in our relationship, and see what comes of it.

There are of course still questions, some "evidence" not yet addressed. There are also a couple of statements obviously meant to relieve me of specific concerns. Those "softeners" so far tend to be the lies. But I also don't know of any lies since I've been home now that we're face to face. Is it foolhardy to think that IC & MC will see these through to resolution?

Am I fooling myself?

hardtimesinlife posted 7/19/2013 20:42 PM

Not foolhardy at all. If the ws is willing to be completely honest, forthcoming and remorseful then I believe true R can happen.

I am glad you are feeling at peace. I don't want to sound negative but getting through this is called a rollercoaster for a reason. Your emotions may dip and soar - don't think that means you are doing something wrong.

canteat posted 7/19/2013 22:38 PM

I know exactly what you are feeling. You describe where I am with my WH. I know the "contributing factors" of his own personal stuff and the problems in our M that created fertile ground for an A. Add in a more than willing OW and the rest is history.
I, like you, understand how this happened in our M. Doesn't make it right, doesn't excuse the behavior, doesn't make it hurt any less, but it's a starting point.

We are both in IC and considering MC or a seminar or something. We know we need outside help just haven't exactly figured out what we want to try first.

There are no guarantees on how things will work out but in my IC I learned that, for me, I have to try. I have hope. I believe things can be better. I have to know that I gave it an honest shot. However things work out I know I will be able to sleep at night knowing I did the hard work (including working on myself) and tried to R.

I just try to keep in mind that there will be some ugly times ahead but that I have to go through them (not dealing with/ignoring stuff is one of my past not-so-healthy ways of dealing with things) I also remind myself that I need to give this time. We have just decided to start the road to R so this is all just the beginning. It has only been a month for me and that as we go along the bad feelings, anger, pain and doubt will be replaced by smiles, laughs,renewed trust and intimacy.(Provided WH does his part.) This will be a process, and a slow one at that.

So, no, I don't think you are being foolhardy. It sounds to me like you have taken an honest assessment of things and want to give R a shot. As long as WS is as open, honest and willing to do the work as you are I think you got a pretty good shot. And the way I look at things is-even if the M doesn't work out all the work you have done on yourself will not be in vain. You will be further along the path to healing and maybe you can even move on without carrying all the crap from the A with you.

Jospehine85 posted 7/21/2013 09:55 AM

(((BrokenOak)))

Once you hear explicit details you can not unhear them. I had the experience of discovering my WH's A when he passed out with a skype chat open on his laptop which was sitting on his chest. There were statements made that I can never unknow, yet they screamed for explanation once I knew them. They are why I have difficulty feeling any love for my WH.

I would suggest that you take those unasked questions you have and write them out for your wife. Ask her to answer them now, put them in an envelope and hold on to them in case you change your mind later.

It is possible that later your brain will start filling in those details on its own and you will have mind movies. Those mind movies may be worse than the reality. At that point, reading the real explicit details would be beneficial.

The reason you need her to write the answers out now is because she will forget. ALL wayward forget.

Some forget because they don't want to remember (compartmentalizing).

Some "forget" because they don't want to tell you. (lying)

Some forget because it just wasn't a detail they payed attention to at the time and as they get further away from the event, more detailed is forgotten. (being human)

If your WW writes the answers out now, you won't be tormented by her "I can't remember" answers later. You won't have to figure out if she is comparmentalizing, lying or just plain human.

I am glad you feel content right now. You deserve a mental break. But please do not be surprised if you fall in to a pit of despair later or rage on a level you have never done before. Those reactions would be VERY VERY normal. R is referred to as a roller coaster for a reason.