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WH is setting up MC, buying me things..any thoughts?

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torn2bits posted 7/19/2013 18:32 PM

I posted about this before, bit he is still doing this. He setup MC and asked me to go. He is away on vacation with the kids and my son told me he bought something for me that he knows I would love.

We are in year 3 of our D. What the hell is all this? We lost everything so there is really nothing to fight over.

The only real thing is the temp orders and CS. I mean I am living on my own. He still introduces me as his wife and when I dropped the kids off recently and unloaded their stuff, he noticed that something was broken on my car and he crawled underneath and fixed it!

I agreed to go to one session with him just so I could get some things off my chest. He told me in that session, he's sorry and he loves me. What the heck. He told the MC that he wants to start taking me on dates and he has been stalling the D, because he doesn't want a D.

Do any of you have any clue?

Loyalty2Liberty posted 7/19/2013 19:08 PM

Could be remorse and desire to rebuild a new marriage with you, because he pulled his head out his ass and realized the authentic self he beat to death and stuffed in a fridge actually loved you.

Sorry, bitter cynical humor is the closest I get to actual laughter these days.

Seriously, he may be looking to regain the fallback girl between girlfriends, social status, and cushy married lifestyle he misses.

Alternatively, now that all hope is obliterated, you are now a thrilling chase again.

Alternatively, outside factors, such as his family disowning or shaming him constantly, for example, could be pressuring him.

Possibly an attempt to prove what he did wasn't so wrong, or you wouldn't be taking him back (the fact that you actually aren't taking him back can be conveniently forgotten or blameshifted later)

Could be like my Wstbxh, always *needing* to feel certain that each and every woman he ever once dated would drop everything and run back to him any time he might ask.

LadyQ posted 7/19/2013 20:21 PM

OK, Ltl, are you in my head??

@ torn, not sure of his motivation. This is exactly the type of stunt my x would have pulled. At the risk of projecting my situation onto you, I'd definitely wait to see what his ACTIONS say. Cuz they'll speak so much louder than his words...

torn2bits posted 7/19/2013 20:25 PM

Loyalty, thanks. This is really getting hard, because I have sworn to loath him for the rest of my life for what he did.

I think the fact that I actually did cry in front of him and told him that he destroyed our marriage and family is getting to him. I really went to MC because my IC said I should be able to tell him what I need to say. I haven't talk to him or been around him. I was just talking with him by text and email. What did he do? He blocked my text and said email wasn't working so I had got!...Talk on the phone with him! I told him about that too. Guess what, all of sudden he can get texts from me.

This dam weird ass shit! Is this who I was married to for all those years?

numbandnauseous posted 7/20/2013 01:33 AM

torn - I am in the same situation as you, with an SAWH who is starting to "appear" remorseful after I filed for D, so I don't have any "hindsight" advice for you, but here are my thoughts:

-first and foremost, DO YOU WANT HIM BACK? You don't have to take him back just because he wants to. Did he destroy your love for him forever, or is there any atom of love in your heart for him that you would want to rekindle? I am in this position right now and my answer is "I don't know." I am going to take my time and not worry about finding the answer right now.

-If he is an SA (why do I think he is an SA? I don't know.) But, if he is, he needs to get into a CSAT before you continue with MC. If he is not an SA, please disregard.

-It seems that he is violating your boundaries left and right (still calling you his wife, buying presents for you, fixing your car) and that is not ok. Have you worked on boundaries with your IC? What if you were dating someone; how would that person feel about the way your WH is acting as though you are still "his." I don't like this one bit. Have you laid out your boundaries with him?

As for motivation, he may just not want to pay for SS and CS.

I just read your profile and I remember how he left you to walk home, was violent, sends you scripture, has spread so many lies about you, etc. Is he still in contact with OW? The above behavior is despicable, abusive, delusional and inexcusable.

As people on SI have told me many times, buying presents and fixing your car, setting up MC, SAYING he is sorry, blah, blah - is all window dressing. What is he doing to fix the issues that caused him to cheat? What is he doing to work on his broken self so that he never hurts you again? So far, NOTHING that I can see...

Housefulloflove posted 7/20/2013 02:48 AM

Just read your profile and I would guess that he finally gets that being an asshole isn't getting the reaction he wants so maybe now he's giving the "Mr. Nice Guy" approach a try?

I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him.

torn2bits posted 7/20/2013 08:13 AM

I do love him. I have always wanted to work on the marriage. He has been doing these nice thing for over a year. The things in my profile happened when I was living with him and each time I would bring up the affair.

He has been in IC with an addiction specialist for 2 years now. I have to say, when he was not seeing him was when I lived there and the things in my profile happened. He did admit to some things in the recent MC session that he would deny when I confronted him back in 2009.

No, I know in my gut and in my heart that he is not with the OW. My thoughts about a future with him have been largelt based on his ability to show remorse and treat me well, if I thought he would do it again and if he was willing to go to MC and the long road of R.

My boundaries with him have been stated clearly, however, there is nothing I can do when we are at his place of work in front of the kids and he introduces me as his wife. I just say..hello, I am torn, DS's mom.

So...we have spent $75K on the lawyers at this point. He wants to try to save the house; as all our other assets have been take/forclosed, whatever. There is nothing left but my share of his pension, CS and the house in foreclosure. My sisters think its about the CS (my youngest is 10) and the house; which was in his family for years.

My mom says if I attempted R with him, I would never know if it was for me or the money.

FaithFool posted 7/20/2013 08:25 AM

The things in my profile happened when I was living with him

I think it's 50/50. He's either being genuine or he's not. You will find out for sure if you move back in with him and the mask comes off.

I would have a SOLID post-nup in place if you do, including a stipulation regarding pornography.

My only worry here is that he will groom you to the point that you think emotional and verbal abuse is acceptable behaviour again.


[This message edited by FaithFool at 8:28 AM, July 20th (Saturday)]

numbandnauseous posted 7/20/2013 23:22 PM

He has been in IC with an addiction specialist for 2 years - have you gotten disclosure yet?

why is there nothing you can do when you are at his place of work in front of the kids and he introduces you as his wife? You can ask him not to do that, and if he continues, say, "yes, I am his SOON TO BE EX-wife" or even just tell him that that's what you wil do if he refuses to respect your boundaries.

My thoughts about the money vs. real remorse situation: if it is just for the money, he won't be able to keep up the facade for long. You should hold his feet to the fire and not give him an inch. Hold your boundaries and if he doesn't respect them, say, "I am D'ing you because you are not respecting my boundaries," etc.

twokids posted 7/20/2013 23:35 PM

I think saying you're sorry, fixing cars or buying gifts are nice ways of showing kindness and care.

However, they may not be what you would need from him in order to feel safe.

I can pay to have my car fixed or buy myself a gift. I cant buy someone who tells me the truth, keeps promises, figures out why cheating/lying was ok then or articulates why its not ok now.

Gifts and global statements of apology are meaningless in my mind because over the years they have come hand in hand with lies and underground cheating.

I want to see real change, grown up accountability and action. Anything less suggests nothing has really changed.

hexed posted 7/21/2013 08:08 AM

My X used to do this all the time. In fact i could call him right now and say 'hey! i'm broke, give me money' and he'd do it.

He's cried and sworn he'd be transparent, stay sober and get counselling. Its been 5 years apart. Its been less than a year since the last 'i love you' drama from him.

He means it when he says it but all he does is say...there's no action to back it up when things got tough. If I was crying he felt guilty and went back to OW. If I was mad he got angry and went back to OW. Watch the actions after he gets you back.

torn2bits posted 7/22/2013 12:42 PM

Its a tough decision to make.

FF, I am hearing you loud and clear. If he is in it for the money, he may be just waiting to get me vulnerable and back into complacency if I move back in.

I asked him how he saw this playing out; he said he won't tell me because that might change the way I look at the situation.

Also, here is the other thing, for him, I f we go thru with the D then its final. Its the ultimate sign that I don't want to be with him. Argh!!! Why is this so complicated?

In fantasyland, he gives disclosure and we work on the M. Anything less is just lies.

momentintime posted 7/22/2013 12:58 PM

You've spent the $75K on lawyers, get the divorce. He can court you after that and show you he means what he says. (If he fades away, it was about the money). Don't give ground now, it will cost you everything and him nothing if he hasn't truly changed. Don't bet your future on his words.

What has he done about his anger issues?

When he introduces you as his wife, just add.."soon to be ex-wife". The kids know so saying it out loud won't do any damage.

[This message edited by momentintime at 12:59 PM, July 22nd (Monday)]

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