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Ok, so today I found out that my friend just filed for divorce. Just 2 yrs ago she had married the "most wonderful man in the world" (yeah been there done that).

Well seems the most wonderful man in the world was a shit head. Same old crap as most of us have already gone through so I won't bore you with the details.

The thing is......in his rants and rage to blame her for everything up pops the all to familiar (from the class of "Ease My Guilt 101" that so many seem to attend) .......threw it up in her face that she was a psychotic crazy bitch who didn't know what she was talking about, that she was a lunatic, that she was bi-polar and needed meds for her anger, that she was out of her mind and needed a shrink.....many of you know story. Hum......all the same things I was told for several years to ease my h's guilt for fucking our neighbor/his best friend's wife.

So the question is.......can't some new excuses be taught in "Ease your Guilt 101" because frankly I am getting sick and stinking tired of the same ole shit I keep hearing from these cheaters.

Hey I know, how's about let's try this.......hey babe, sorry I threw you under the bus, even through you had stood by me for so many years.....Yep, sorry I went two houses down and got my bi-weekly blow jobs from the wife of my best friend. Sorry I had to think so lowly of you and our marriage that I screwed it all up. Just know that I take all the blame and I truly must have been a fucking stupid ass lunatic who should have been in IC and on meds to think I could get away with this......not the other way around.

Like I tell my h, its YOU who made me into a raving bitch by YOUR actions....NOT MINE.

It's the easy way out. It's easier for them to frame their cheating within the context of the BS's shortcomings, than to accrpt responsibility for their actions and recognize they could have played their hands differently.

So, in order for their story to sound convincing they throw the BS under the bus. We are cold and indifferent to their needs and therefore we deserved to be cheated on. Never mind many of us worked long days into the night trying to bring in a paycheck and keep a household running while caring for the kids. It's

our fault.

I've stopped listening to this twaddle. It's all sound and no significance.

Because people with NPD need a scapegoat to put their crap on. It's insane how much people get away with this.

(((TO's friend)))

Yea, it's pretty stale shit, isn't it? Wash, rinse, repeat for decades, generations. Does this stuff just get passed down or what?

its YOU who made me into a raving bitch by YOUR actions

Just an aside - and really not trying to flame here because, seriously, I've said the same thing to WH before...but why do we get to be raging bitches and blame someone for our bitchy actions/behavior - but yet we don't want WH to blame us for their actions/behavior? I know, I know - we, as BS, were provoked. Being a bitch is understandable (and I would argue a noble choice sometimes), but I'm not sure its anyone else's "fault." I own my actions, reactions - good or bad. I'm sort of over blaming WH for any of my behaviors - mostly because I saw how the blameshifting he did was so full of shit, as you pointed out. We are all our own masters, I guess.

[This message edited by RockyMtn at 10:06 PM, July 19th (Friday)]

Every single time I hear someone say "He's getting a divorce and his wife is crazy!!" I always ask "How do know that her husband wasn't a cheating scumbag that drove her crazy?"

And on a not so funny side note, I've been asking that question for years!! Way before I became the crazy BS....

Same here Cosmo-I always said he prob MADE her "crazy!"

This is a little pedantic, but I was in my IC's office this afternoon and read part of an article about domestic abuse in the most recent NYker and it pointed out that abusive husbands often "get away with it" because they come to court or whatnot and are charming and feel in control. In the meantime, their victims often don't come off as sympathetic-- PRECISELY BECAUSE THEY ARE VICTIMS! (So they may come off as a little neurotic or high strung, etc).

So, exactly what you're talking about.

Right after our breakup, my WS started texting our friends (who I had told about the A) that our relationship "hadn't been great for awhile." Yeah. I wonder why.

[This message edited by PhantomLimb at 10:53 PM, July 19th (Friday)]

Ha Ha...Rocky Mt......that is exactly the word for it......stale shit. I was called a crazy bi-polar psychotic woman by my h for so long that I started to believe it. But the more he said it the more I began to see what the real motive was.....and that was to sooth his guilt.

However, like "two kids" says......I have stopped listening to the twaddle. Yawn, double Yawn.

Funny because when I think back to my own experiences and that of others way before me, I always remember the WS (men I knew who were friends) always telling me of their wife and how sick she was, how crazy and insane she was. One even told me that his wife honestly had demons in her head that were causing her to make up all kinds of shitty lies about him. It would be very funny if it wasn't so fucking pathetic.

And yep Phantom......my h told his friend and the dumb whore that I was a psychotic out of control crazy person. That way he could set the stage for whore to feel so sorry for him that she would open her mouth a little wider on the next visit. But it also served another purpose and that was knowing if he was caught that he could turn the whole truth around to make his best friend/her h think that I was sick enough to make up the whole thing. He was pretty smart about it all up until the day he WAS CAUGHT.

[This message edited by TICKED OFF at 11:21 PM, July 19th (Friday)]

They have a moment where they go..."What's wrong with me? Why did I do this?" Then they realize that answering that question and fixing the problem is a heck of a lot of work so they go "It must be that crazy bitch!"

That's an easy "fix" to the problem so it must be the answer!

I've struggled with this; I was insane for a period of time and freely admit it. I have, however, made a promise to myself that it will never happen again.

FT was just damn lucky I wasn't the raging crazy bitch he claimed I am.

FT would be minus certain body parts and the Twat wouldn't have to worry about him cheating. That's what I would do IF I was really a crazy bitch.

[This message edited by gma56 at 12:25 AM, July 20th (Saturday)]

My XH labeled me crazy too. To be honest, it neither surprised nor bothered me. Anyone who matters to me knows the truth and doesn't believe him. He's never been one to accept blame, so of course he wouldn't accept blame for his behavior here either. Everything is always someone else's fault. By the time we got to the divorce, I was so aware of his habits that I knew what would follow.

Discussed Divorce as a possibility with SA(f)WH a few nights ago. Why don't you want one, I asked. He said he's had several friends who went through "bad" divorces with "crazy" wives.

Um, you only heard ONE side of the story. I guess I know how I will be portrayed in his version to his friends. They won't hear about how for years he was sexually and emotionally unavailable to me and how that wounded me deeply. He won't tell them about treating me like a roommate, housemanager and head nanny. He won't tell them about leading a double life so he could get his jollies.

Apparently, I DROVE him to have an affair (because I let myself go, gained weight, was unpleasant to be around - did not stop to think for a second that I was all of these things in part due to him neglecting me emotionally and physically in our marriage). When I found the hard evidence (jewelry receipts stashed in his glove compartment) he asked me why I was looking through his stuff, I told him he DROVE me to it.

Men resort to saying this stuff because they think it sounds good and the target will believe it about themselves. I know I did for awhile. And, obviously, it is a reaction to the shame they feel for being an asshole.

I feel for your friend. You are a good friend for supporting her through this. Some men really are shitheads.

[This message edited by womaninflux at 9:53 AM, July 20th (Saturday)]

"womaninflux" ha ha ha ha.....same old bull shit here. I was told many many times that I DROVE him into having an affair. He would make up reasons and excuses faster than he could pull out his little weenie for the whore.

HOWEVER, my comeback statement to his bullshit was this........"Ok h, so for shits and giggles let's just say I was the reason for your a? Tell me h, then was YOUR BEST FRIEND (whore's h) also a crazy fucked up lunatic who DROVE you to betray him by sneaking over to his house when he was at work and screwing his wife WITH their young kids inside the house?" To date I have never gotten an answer to that question....wonder why??

Like I tell my H, "everything youve ever done, youve only done for yourself. Everything Ive done or will do from here on, is a direct result of what youve done to me". He agrees and owns his faults. Ive been right on just about everything since we've been together and he always had the audacity to tell me that im paranoid and crazy. He knows hes made an ass of himself. Him calling you crazy is his denial, a front, a cherade or whatever you want to call it. Either way it makes for good camouflage for them to have an A. The WS making you dobt your sanity and believe their lie is the only way to go unscathed for as long as possible. Your not a crazy bitch, hes an arrogant dumb ass, possibly a sociopath. Good luck

[This message edited by DoneWithLove at 7:48 PM, July 20th (Saturday)]

The crazed out lunatic is the WS (like my h) who thought he could get away with having an a with our neighbor and not get caught. Pretty fucking stupid if you ask me.

Hi, (((TO))). I haven't seen you here in a while.

It looks like your friend's situation triggered the crap out of you! I'm sorry. It still happens to me sometimes, too, and it sucks.

I know this is mostly vent, but I have to point this out:

Sorry I had to think so lowly of you and our marriage that I screwed it all up.

I think your H thought lowly of himself. People with strong self-esteem don't behave like that, you know?

It's good to see you.

ETA: It's projection- they can't stand certain aspects of themselves, so they must project those undesirable traits onto someone else. Then, in their minds, they aren't nuts, you are! See?

[This message edited by ThoughtIKnewYa at 12:17 AM, July 22nd (Monday)]

my h told his friend and the dumb whore that I was a psychotic out of control crazy person. That way he could set the stage for whore to feel so sorry for him that she would open her mouth a little wider on the next visit.

(((TICKED OFF))) Sorry, I know none of this is funny, but that second sentence made me LOL!

Demonize the BW must be in Cheater's Handbook 101. My H told me (among other lying and blameshifting attempts) that "Your meds (anti-anxiety meds BECAUSE of him) must be messing with your head honey".

One of the things that hurts me most about the whole deceit he pulled is that he made up lie after lie about ME to other people we knew and made them fear me and wonder WTF was wrong with me!!! Oh, of course, he forgot to say that the cause of 'my' problems was that he was fucking his buddy's wife! Strange how that MAIN info gets left out in so many stories...

I fully admit, WH and all his lies and secrets drove me bat shit crazy. The idea that we can control our feelings and behavior when we can't eat, sleep or even breath half the time is guilt tripping. WH came on here and tried to get people to convince me I was the one who needed therapy. When it didn't work and he realized he couldn't control people here, he became so abusive that he was black listed. It is a miracle that we are still married and that I have started getting some of my old self back. I doubt I'll ever be the same person I was. I was so nice before. I didn't even notice how selfishly I allowed people to treat me. I liked being there for people. I didn't notice how little it was reciprocated because I got so much pleasure from helping other people. Now I don't have the energy and notice how little people have been there for me when I was the one in need. I am so grateful for my BFF. I don't know what I would have done without her.

Emotional abuse is no different from physical abuse. You can't stop the emotional fallout from an A anymore than you can stop bleeding when an artery is severed, walk when your back is broken or keep climbing a mountain while having a heart attack. Healing takes appropriate treatment, rest and time.

"ThoughtIKnewya".........YUP.....you got that right. It did trigger the hell out of me, just when I had calmed down....ha ha ha ha....Now why the hell does this trigger me when in fact all I have to do is look out my window at the little sluts house for my daily dose of triggering since she still lives 2 houses from me. Go frekin figure.

And "Crushed1".......go ahead and laugh out loud. I really do love it when I see a post (sad as it might be) that makes me laugh. Shit, I guess it's all we can do under the circumstances, right. So my friend, laugh away.

And "Ladyogilvy".....boy you got that right....I agree with you.....how this marriage of mine has stayed in tact for this long after is beyond me. But it has and I keep marching onward.

And "Jrazz"......my friend is sad, but she is strong and knows that she is not the crazy bitch that he would love her to believe she is. And yes it is insane how much people get away with it. Happened to me until I got smart and figured out that h was the lunatic who thought he could pull it off.....or in his case, pull it out.