Things just seem to be getting much clearer lately. Wife, and I use the term in the legal sense only, had several online affairs and one 8-month physical affair. She has treated me terribly since early in our 17 year marriage, and I see my life wasting away. I found out, at the same time that I discovered the affairs, that she suffered from a secret bulimia problem that has plagued her for 27 years now.
Soon after the discovery, for the sake of the kids, I said that I was dedicated to reconciliation and to renew our romance. She said that I deserved to have a sexual relationship, so I would have to find it with other women, while we were still married. She talked about this nut who we know who is happily married (his wife lives in Germany), and he has had several girlfriends with her knowledge and permission. I told her that I didn't want that, and she basically blew me off. We haven't had sex in 5 years, and of course, I refuse to engage in infidelity - she probably is wondering when I am going to crack. NEVER.
I finally said, this is it. Either you commit to make this work or were through. Also, I told her that she needed to get treatment for her eating disorder because she is falling apart emotionally and physically from it. I said, are you in or are you out. She said, I don't know, we need to talk to a new marriage counselor.
The 3 previous counselors pulled me aside and told me to divorce her.
I asked, are you waiting for a marriage counselor to give you permission to reconcile? We need to go with a goal. If we are committed to saving our marriage, we need to go with the intention of reaching a goal. She said that we need to find out from a marriage counselor if we are compatible and if we can work. I said that you want a marriage counselor to make that assessment and decision for you? Yes, a marriage counselor will be able to tell.
I tried to make an appointment with a marriage counselor. I gave her some back information, she didn't want to meet with my wife. She said that I would benefit from individual counseling and she would tell her to deal with her eating disorder, my wife would bolt, and she would never see either of us again.
We have an appointment on Thursday. And if the counselor says, "yes, we can work through this," then she going to jump for joy, and say, "awesome, we can be happy !!!! Where do we start?" Doubtful.
I just see the writing on the wall. I just keep thinking I should have divorced her 6 years ago; I really feel like I wasted my life waiting for her. She has never asked for a divorce, yet she has rejected all romance, affection, and intimacy I have shown her in the last 6 years.
I told her to man up (so to speak) and make a fuc*ing decision. Do you want to make it work, if so I am 100% in. If not, tell me so I can live a meaningful life with someone who will love me. I get no answer. Is this typical for somebody who wants out to wait for somebody else to pull the trigger so that she can shirk all of the responsibility of making a decision. Or has she already told me through her words and actions, and I am shirking the responsibility?
I am so frustrated I want to scream. And by the way, her family is completely oblivious to her mental illness (depression and anxiety), her bulimia, and her affairs. I think she's afraid all the shit will come out in the fallout and she will be exposed for being a complete mess.