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betrayed1965 posted 7/20/2013 01:14 AM

Things just seem to be getting much clearer lately. Wife, and I use the term in the legal sense only, had several online affairs and one 8-month physical affair. She has treated me terribly since early in our 17 year marriage, and I see my life wasting away. I found out, at the same time that I discovered the affairs, that she suffered from a secret bulimia problem that has plagued her for 27 years now.

Soon after the discovery, for the sake of the kids, I said that I was dedicated to reconciliation and to renew our romance. She said that I deserved to have a sexual relationship, so I would have to find it with other women, while we were still married. She talked about this nut who we know who is happily married (his wife lives in Germany), and he has had several girlfriends with her knowledge and permission. I told her that I didn't want that, and she basically blew me off. We haven't had sex in 5 years, and of course, I refuse to engage in infidelity - she probably is wondering when I am going to crack. NEVER.

I finally said, this is it. Either you commit to make this work or were through. Also, I told her that she needed to get treatment for her eating disorder because she is falling apart emotionally and physically from it. I said, are you in or are you out. She said, I don't know, we need to talk to a new marriage counselor.

The 3 previous counselors pulled me aside and told me to divorce her.

I asked, are you waiting for a marriage counselor to give you permission to reconcile? We need to go with a goal. If we are committed to saving our marriage, we need to go with the intention of reaching a goal. She said that we need to find out from a marriage counselor if we are compatible and if we can work. I said that you want a marriage counselor to make that assessment and decision for you? Yes, a marriage counselor will be able to tell.

I tried to make an appointment with a marriage counselor. I gave her some back information, she didn't want to meet with my wife. She said that I would benefit from individual counseling and she would tell her to deal with her eating disorder, my wife would bolt, and she would never see either of us again.

We have an appointment on Thursday. And if the counselor says, "yes, we can work through this," then she going to jump for joy, and say, "awesome, we can be happy !!!! Where do we start?" Doubtful.

I just see the writing on the wall. I just keep thinking I should have divorced her 6 years ago; I really feel like I wasted my life waiting for her. She has never asked for a divorce, yet she has rejected all romance, affection, and intimacy I have shown her in the last 6 years.

I told her to man up (so to speak) and make a fuc*ing decision. Do you want to make it work, if so I am 100% in. If not, tell me so I can live a meaningful life with someone who will love me. I get no answer. Is this typical for somebody who wants out to wait for somebody else to pull the trigger so that she can shirk all of the responsibility of making a decision. Or has she already told me through her words and actions, and I am shirking the responsibility?

I am so frustrated I want to scream. And by the way, her family is completely oblivious to her mental illness (depression and anxiety), her bulimia, and her affairs. I think she's afraid all the shit will come out in the fallout and she will be exposed for being a complete mess.

Vulcanized posted 7/20/2013 01:37 AM


I'm thinking the most important thing to do first is for her to address her issues w/depression and food.

I'm not quite sure where you stand tho. It seems that you are willing to R your M? Or am I not understanding you?

It sounds like you have alot of things to work thru. I think her depression is probably the most important one, tho.

What is the outcome you would ideally want?

betrayed1965 posted 7/20/2013 01:46 AM

She is on medication for depression and anxiety. It is supposed to curb her desire to binge and purge, but it doesn't seem to have any effect on her eating disorder. She says, well as long as I am the right medication, it doesn't really matter if it works, because I am being treated for it. Like that makes any sense whatsoever. It like saying you have cancer, you are not responding to our normal medication, and she says, "that's OK, I'll just keep taking it anyway; it might work. And, as long as I am being treated for it, then I can pretend it's under control."

My ultimate goal is for her to embrace reconciliation and make a commitment to therapy for her depression, anxiety, and her eating disorder. She has tried therapy 5 times, and HATES IT. I have been to 3 therapists with her, and one on my own. I LOVE IT!

I want some intimacy in my life. She won't touch me, and she won't let me touch her. It is really sad. I can't wait anymore; both of my parents are dead now, and they would have been so disappointed if they had known about any of this shit when they were alive. I loved my parents more than life. I haven't even grieved for them because I have been so consumed with the bullshit from her affairs.

[This message edited by betrayed1965 at 1:47 AM, July 20th (Saturday)]

stronger08 posted 7/20/2013 06:45 AM

I think your beating a dead horse here. That's just my opinion of course. Seems to me that you have seen many therapists who have all suggested you D. So why are you still seeking someone else ? Bottom line is this. You can seek out all the therapy in the world. But if your WW wont commit its a waste of time. I think your having a very hard time accepting the truth here. Your wishful thinking is clouding what's going on. Trust me the no sex Bullshit is just that, Bullshit..... She has no desire for you. But if another OM or the original comes along her sex drive will be back in an instant. I know its hard to accept right now. But the writing is on the wall. You just need to clear your eyes and see it.

tesla posted 7/20/2013 06:49 AM


Please go to IC. Start working through these issues that you bring up here. Start healing yourself. As you change your direction, maybe she will see it and get on board. Maybe not. But by then perhaps you have the strength to move forward and divorce her.

Some people have to hit rock bottom to fix themselves. Where is that place for her? It sounds like you've tried to get her to see it. At this point you have no control over her...but you do control you. Start there.

My ex-shat would have hemmed and hawed forever about divorce. If I hadn't made a requirement that he seek psychological help, we would probably still be unhappily rugsweeping and perpetuating the shitty ass codependent cycle we had going.

At some point, you have to cut the rope from a sinking anchor to save yourself. IC will help you determine if that is where you are at.

heartbroken_kk posted 7/20/2013 10:12 AM

I think you need to cone to grips with the fact that you cannot MAKE your WW want to repair the M. If she says she doesn't know if the M can work, what she is telling you is that she is not committed to you anymore. Counselling isn't going to change that.

I did what you are doing. It did nothing for any of us except waste years of my life. The misery I felt was so horribly painful. I didn't get any relief from the pain until I decided to let go of the M and move on with my own life.

I hope you find peace.

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