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Still raging

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RippedToPieces posted 7/20/2013 02:14 AM

After about 1.5 years in R, I find that I am having triggers and "melt downs" on average once a week. If I can go 2 weeks without a trigger, it is quite an accomplishment. So far post-affair year 2 has been more difficult to get through than year 1. My WH is doing everything right (transparency, honesty, supportive) and I do feel he is sincere in his commitment to R. I don't understand why I can't move past this tremendous hurt and anger that overwhelms me. My counselor has warned that I need to get a handle on my anger before it starts damaging my H and damaging my marriage. Statements like this make me more angry because I DID NOT choose to destroy my marriage in the first place! This is all fall-out from what HE did to ME. I do really love him and want to truly reach R, I don't understand why I am triggering more now than I did in year 1. I don't want to give up, but I'm not sure I am getting better. I know that I do not feel as terrible as I did 1 year ago, but why does there seem to be so much anger welling up? In recovery, do things get worse before they get better - or am I just really f-d up?

beyondalllimits posted 7/20/2013 07:05 AM

RTP, this is the time when your numbness wears off and the anger smacks you in the face!!!! You know how after you foot falls asleep, you get those nasty tinglies when it is waking back up??? That's where you are now. Honor the anger, but don't let it eat you alive. I found I had to ask a lot of questions that FWH had answered before because I'd been so numb at that point that I couldn't remember. Then, one day I knew I had to let it go. Just like that. I knew it was time to let the anger go and to... forgive. I had accepted, but not forgiven. Once I was able to forgive in my heart, the anger receded. 3 years out it creeps in once in a while (just passed my antiversary), but it is for seconds. Just keep 'doing the work' getting to know yourself and how to improve your relationships... be gentle with yourself... << >> bal

Zayda1 posted 7/20/2013 07:09 AM


I am in a similar stage as you. I have found year 2 so much harder than I thought it would be. I have no advice, just wanted you to know you are not alone.

RidingHealingRd posted 7/20/2013 17:17 PM

I too have a WH who, since dday, has done everything right. A model WH for sure but this did not make the anger/rage any less.

I just posted this response in another post but thought it applied here as well:

My dday was 10/2010 and I know that my anger and rage lasted until 10/2012. A long time I know, but I just had to let it run its course.

Something inside me happened in late Oct. 2012 (not sure what) and I remember making a conscious decision to stop the anger...after two years I was done with it. I honestly did not want to live like that and my M would not benefit from it (no, my IC did not tell me this ~ I just felt it).

Sometimes I think that I would rage out of control as a test for my WH. Would he take it or bail? As if this was a reflection of how much he really cared. I tested him often!

After 2 years of throwing crap in his face I finally accepted that he was extremely sorry, that he really did wish he could take it all back, and that he did love me.

Have I raged since October 2012? Not once.

Have I been upset? Yes, but it is much easier today to maintained control and fortunately, it passes relatively quickly.

Looking back I can say that I suppressed nothing. I was always true to myself which allowed me to fully processed the extremely painful betrayal.

Do what you need to so to get through this and have no regrets about it.

[This message edited by RidingHealingRd at 5:18 PM, July 20th (Saturday)]

kansas1968 posted 7/20/2013 18:41 PM

Year two is horrible. Worse than year one. I think part of the reason is we think that surely after a year has passed, it will not hurt as much and we will be better. Then that antiversary comes and we still feel just as bad,
and we know that it must be true that it will take two to five years to recover.

That amount of time seems like the cruelest sentence ever given to anyone. How on earth can we go through several more years feeling like this. Not possible, right?

Well, it is possible. With work and a remorseful spouse, it is possible.

All I need now is a specific apology from my WH for everything that hurt me so badly during the affair. It is not the affair, but the things that happened during the affair that kill me. Those betrayals!!!!!!

He is working on that, it has been two and a half years, and I can finally see the light. Good luck and hugs. Time does heal.

petite71 posted 7/20/2013 19:41 PM

I also want to say you are not alone I'm 1.5 years out from DDay & I have mind movies,triggers,& rage. Somedays I hate to even look at him & someday I love him.

RippedToPieces posted 7/22/2013 10:58 AM

Thank all of you for replying to my post! It does help to know that I am not alone and that I am not some unreasonable mental case that just won't "let it go." I appreciate the guidance offered that I need to do whatever I need to do to get through. I will do just that. I thought that things would get easier with each passing year, but I agree that to a large extent, I went through most of year 1 numb and in a kind of haze. Thank you again for sharing your experiences. It really helps to know that what I am experiencing is "normal".

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