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Is it cheating or not? he keeps saying he didn't cheat on me because he says he didn't have sex with anyone. but he spent the day (when he was suppose to be at work) going at 4 different clubs, spent around $500. Still he says he didn't get any lap dances, just went to the fully nude strip clubs and watched the dancing. The massage parlors he went to are very shady and their reviews clearly state that they have illegal immigrant girls working there who are made to give handjobs, blowjobs and sex to customers for small amount of money. still he says he didn't cheat on me. he says he was just mad at me and went to these places because we had not had sex for 4 months and he wanted to blow off some steam. the decision to not have sex with me was also his own because i'm pregnant with #2 and he wanted me to abort which i refused to do. so i'm still not sure if what he did was cheating or not. but it hurts like hell. its been 3 weeks now and i've been trying to forgive and forget. he's also been trying to be nice to me. but the damage is done. i feel like he doesn't love me. it was all physical (hopefully) and i always thought it might hurt less if its not an emotional affair but it still hurts :( specially while i'm carrying his baby. and caring for another all day. wish i could just turn back time and never marry him.

That counts as cheating in my book. Furthermore, were I in your shoes, I'd be outraged at how utterly stupid my husband must think I am to expect me to believe he spent all day and $500, but didn't get a blow job, hand job or lap dance. Riiiiiiiight.

^^ Exactly. $500??? No way did he spend all day at a slut bar..and a massage parlor...and not get any "special favors." No way.

And his blaming you for his behavior? Classic cheating behavior.

Im sorry.

He won't have sex with you because you refused to have an abortion? So he is punishing you for having his child?

This is abusive. Cheating is abusive..but this is another level of abuse. How will he treat that child once he/she is born?

You need to be tested for STD's. These places are ripe with STD's. You're pregnant. And STD can harm your baby...you must get tested..even if he says he didn't have sex..get tested. He is lying. Im sorry to be so blunt,but there is a child's life at stake,so I can't sugarcoat this. Do not trust the word of a man who has admitted he is punishing you for not getting an abortion...do not take his word that he didn't have sex..it would be risking this baby's life to do so.

[This message edited by confused615 at 3:55 AM, July 20th (Saturday)]

You need to be tested for STD's. These places are ripe with STD's. You're pregnant. And STD can harm your baby...you must get tested..even if he says he didn't have sex..get tested. He is lying. Im sorry to be so blunt,but there is a child's life at stake,so I can't sugarcoat this. Do not trust the word of a man who has admitted he is punishing you for not getting an abortion...do not take his word that he didn't have sex..it would be risking this baby's life to do so.

Ditto what confused said. IMO, it's WORSE than cheating! No way in a million years I would believe he did not have sex. Hand job, blow job, full sex, does not matter. He has put you at terrible risk, and I know of what I speak. My H gave me an STD from a strip club whore.

Get tested. NOW.

[This message edited by painpaingoaway at 4:24 AM, July 20th (Saturday)]

And what did he spend the $500 on? He is lying.

Don't you dare accept any of the blame for this. He wasn't getting laid? Too bad. We've all had dry spells before, and we all have two good hands to help us through those spells.

Fuck that guy!

I'm so sorry you have found yourself here. Massage parlors equal cheating in my book. Don't let him blame his poor coping skills on you. ((broken))

Sorry, but you don't go from a strip club to a massage parlor with any intentions of behaving. As a matter of fact, who the hell goes to a massage parlor? Anybody that's legitimately looking for a message ONLY goes to a salon-Spa. Furthermore, who goes on a strip club/whore house bender when he's "mad." I'll tell you: a sex addict who's probably grown frustrated with "behaving" for the past few months and finally said "fuck it." Think of an alcoholic who's been sober for a while s and then falls off the Wagon when the going gets tough, only to turn around and lie and shift the blame rather than taking responsibility for his weak, destructive actions.

He was no doubt looking for trouble that day and, make no mistake, he knew just where to find it.

Yeah because that's what guys do to pregnant wives - get mad at them for not being a 24/7 blow up doll.

Whadda douche!

I think you mis-heard him. He wasn't blowing off steam. He was blowing off his self esteem.

Glad I'm not near him. I'd bitch slap the douche into the next century.

wish i could just turn back time and never marry him.

Though this is not possible, it is possible not to waste another day of your life choosing to stay married to him. Of course what he did was "cheating" but cheating is not the only reason for divorcing someone. If I were in your shoes, I would divorce him for asking me to abort our baby, and then the punishment of no sex because you refused to do so?

Everyone has to live their own life, but I guess you know what I would do in your shoes.

Broken,

I'm sorry you find yourself here. I came here 4 months ago & it has been a Godsend to me! My H is SA and I can tell you that what you have found out about your H is classic behavior. While only a CSAT can actually diagnose SA, you should start doing your homework. There's a thread in I Can Relate for partners of sex addicts & you will find a lot of good information there. That's pretty much where I hang out. I'm afraid you may have only scratched the tip of the iceberg with this one incident.

I'm sorry but, I totally agree with the others. Go get tested ASAP.

I am a veteran strip-club widow.

I'd say the odds are very, very high that you've got an active cheater on your hands.

I cannot emphasize the following vehemently enough: DO NOT HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX WITH HIM.

Insist on STD testing. It will need to be repeated at intervals for up to 2 years (depending on doctor recommendations. Mine tests at 6 month intervals for 2 years, then repeats HIV testing annually. The latter he recommends for all patients). For that period, use a condom during sex---with the knowledge that any skin not covered may potentially infect you.

You need testing, too. Ask that this include a Pap to test for trichomoniasis. More importantly, because you are pregnant, it is CRITICAL that you be tested for Group B strep infection, even if your doctor did this test among the routine first-visit tests (as mine did). While this organism is completely benign to you, is the leading cause of neonatal pneumonia and infection-related mortality among newborns in the United States; it can be prevented with prophylactic antibiotics given before delivery. (Sometimes, the doctor prefers to deliver by c-section if the mother tests positive; this depends on how far before delivery the infection is identified.)

I can't emphasize this enough. I found out on the day I delivered my son that I was positive for Group B strep; the only reason I was tested is because my OB was on vacation, and the doc on call didn't have my records. He was weighing whether to allow me to try for VBAC or to do a section. Part of his assessment included the urine test for B-strep; the positive result tipped the scales to c-section, so that my baby would not be exposed to the organism while passing through the infected region. YOU MUST BE TESTED FOR THIS SO YOUR BABY CAN BE PROTECTED. Even if your husband swears he did not have contact with any stripper or "massage therapist."

Why? Because your baby is too precious to gamble on the word of a man who's spending money his family needs in strip clubs and massage parlors--no matter WHAT he claims happened. Please, please, please. Talk to your doctor about this, and insist on testing.

I am so, so sorry you are in this position. I remember the bewilderment and hurt--and the financial aspect was a betrayal in and of itself.

Please know that this has NOTHING to do with you, or how often you had sex, or anything of the sort. It's far more likely to be related to intimacy issues--in him. Men who go to dark places to watch and/or be touched by women they don't know are often men who do not form real, mature connections with other people, particularly women. It's very confusing for the women in their lives--but has NOTHING to do with them.

I am very, very sorry for your pain. I hate that this time, which should be so special, has been so cruelly polluted. I understand how it feels.

Our last child was a surprise. At the time,we were going through something very traumatic to both of us(not infidelity related at all),and WH had just gotten a new job,but it was supposed to be temporary. My oldest 2 kids,from my previous marriage,were 9 and 11,and my baby wasn't even a year old yet. And we were broke. We talked about abortion. We cried together over it. We came to the decision that we had to abort. My WH told me he would support whatever decision I made. But he,too,knew our circumstances were shaky,and both of us felt this was what we had to do.

I went alone to the clinic the first time. I had to get an ultrasound to determine how far along I was. The doctor left me in the room,alone,for a few minutes. I looked at that screen and saw my baby. I knew she was a girl. I just knew,ya know?

WH drove me to the clinic on the day of the procedure. He held my hand the entire way. We got there and paid our fee and took a seat. The entire time I felt as if I were about to do something horrible. The lady called my name,I squeezed WH's hand,and went with her. I made it as far as her desk when I told her I was canceling. That I wasn't going through with it. She was pissy..told me I'd paid already and they'd have to mail me my money. I told her fine,signed some papers and went back to my husband. He looked surprised to see me. I held out my hand and told him we were leaving..we were going to go home and have this baby..our baby. He took my hand,hugged me and said "ok." I cried all the way home..the shock..the horror..of what I had almost done.

I can't tell you how much his support meant to me. He was wonderful. It was a struggle..but he never once has made me regret walking out that day.

And that little girl? She is pure sunshine. She is beautiful and smart. She is the most loving child. She has a wicked sense of humor and is a joy to everyone who knows her(except her brother,lol). Every single day I am so glad I left that clinic. She is the best decision I have ever made.

Why am I telling you this? Because this is how a man should behave when his wife is pregnant and they're not sure if they can have the child. A man doesn't get pissed and go fuck around. He supports his wife..and loves the child.

Im also writing it to tell you Im glad you didnt go through with the abortion. I know one day very soon you will be as in love with your child as I am with my DD.

Oh..this isn't an anti-abortion post. I have had an abortion..I was raped at 17..and had an abortion. Im not against them. But I am against a WH using the fact that his wife refused as abortion as an excuse to cheat on her. This is his child. Fuck him.

Sorry you are here.

That sounds like a Sex Addict to me.

Part of the disease is they rationalize that since they aren't actually having sex (just dry humping or maybe getting oral sex depending on the strip club or getting a hand job), it's not cheating.

If he would not do it with you standing 2 feet away from him and he is keeping it a secret, it's definitely cheating.

[This message edited by womaninflux at 9:34 AM, July 20th (Saturday)]

I have a list of Wayward Spouses on SI whom I would loooooove to have ten minutes with and your's has just been added to my list!

Kick him to the curb NOW. Get the locks changed and leave his crap in hefty bags on the curb. Punishing you for not aborting your baby?? That is beyond abusive. You deserve more!

Is this the first time you've caught him doing this? Because it doesn't sound like it was his first rodeo given he knew where to go and spent the whole day. That doesn't sound like a virgin trip to the strip clubs and parlors. and 500 with no sex my ass!.

As others have stated, go straight to your doctor and get tested. I know you said you haven't been with him in four months but he could have been partaking in this behavior loooong before you got pregnant.

Hugs to you. You did nothing to deserve this - please know that. We're all here to help.