I reread this post, I see it's crazy, but it helped me writing this..
It's not crazy at all, in fact I think it's probably the most normal response to have.
I too, have spent many many years feeling pulled in two directions. Be strong, stay dependent. Live for me, stay for the kids (family). Examine the old me, reason with the new me. Blame him, blame me....it's exhausting, and futile. I like most, came into my M with my own baggage; why couldn't that girl be stronger? Why couldn't she see the self worth I see in her now and avoid all of those mistakes?
It's good you're getting to a place of acceptance. I've been heading in that direction as well. I'm not in IC either, I know how hard and time consuming it could/would be to find the right person, and I'm not in a position to that. I think time is what is helping me the most. After all the years of living like this, my brain and my heart have finally crossed paths and are letting me know it's time to move on from this carrousel, going round and round as I go up and down, and I'm ready to get off.
As much as spending time with yourself in introspection and reflection is great, it really helps to actively seek help. Since I'm not in IC, I've turned to books and internet resources and it's helping immensely. No more books about how to rebuild my marriage, but books and articles about how to rebuild me, and understand the me I used to be and why she was who she was and made the choices she made. It's just like how we know we need to the "why's" of our WS affair so that we can make sure it never happens again, we need the "why's" of our own past, our own choices, if we hope to solve the problems and avoid making those mistakes again.
I've had so many 'Ah-ha' moments lately. Learning the why's of my past is allowing me to forgive the old me and insight into the me I am today. It's been one thing to say I need to learn how to make myself happy, be content with me...but you have to be ready to let go of where you are to get to where you need to be, let go of their part in your life and let go of the need to control the outcome, ready for acceptance, and until now I just wasn't really ready to do that.
I wish you much luck and peace and hope (and I!) in putting your pieces back together, and much happiness