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everycloud posted 7/20/2013 02:54 AM

I've been thinking a lot..night after night I examined my life, mostly spent with him, 38 years together..When I met him I was 20 and silly..lot of psychological issues due to my childhood and a slight disability. Now I see my choices were wrong, I stayed with him for the wrong reasons,I was dependant on him, I'd have done anything not to be rejected..I'm trying to forgive myself for that,but it's not easy. But if I hadn't made some wrong choices I mightn't have had my kids, that are the best thing in my life.
On better days when I'm at peace with myself - has anyone this feeling of being split in 2 parts, one fighting against the other and wanting to go 2 opposite directions? - I think I must work for my happiness, my well being not regarding him.I think I must consider him only a small entity in my life and that what he did can't be changed neither by my or his words/actions.What I can change is my attitude toward life now, consider myself no more a victim, but a fighter to achieve a better future with or without him. That' s not easy and I see it will take a long time. I'm doing this all by myself, no IC now, and I'm proud of it.
I'm glad that the awful sadness, maybe depression of a month ago has left me, hope not to return.. what I can't get rid of is a huge rage for the injustice of life (he's passing through all this unscared, not only..all he's undertaking is going fabulous) but of course mainly against him..sometimes I'd like to confront him and shout all my rage at him..up to now I've been able not to do this luckily.. I realize that I'd would do this in a stupid attempt to change the reality of what happened that can't be altered and to have him pay for his faults..but both things would be useless, reality can't be changed..
Following advice I've read here I'm trying ways to let my rage out, but it's coming back regularly. sometims i drem of forms of revenge, but this too wouldn't change what he did and my life.
I've no hope for our future together, don't see I could ever trust him again, forgive, forget.. He's started some sort of IC, but I know that he's too damaged to change. But I'm clinging to the hope that I can change something in myself to slowly get better.
I reread this post, I see it's crazy, but it helped me writing this..

Pippy posted 7/20/2013 04:18 AM

Your post is perfect and I can associate with every word. I was married 30 years.

So much goes through your mind, but we move on. My D-Day was 9 years ago and I haven't seen him for 7 years now. He moved out west. I think the hardest time was when he moved out and moved in with her and after a week I realized it was the longest we had ever been separated.

I hate what he has done to our family, making my kids and grandkids divide their time (and loyalty). I hate missing out on so many plans we had for retirement.

But I don't hate him. I don't love him either. He's just a monthly check now. It took about 7 years to accept that he was gone for good.

I have moved on at last, living a much different life than I had planned. I'm lonely but not looking for love again because I couldn't bear to be rejected again. It literally would kill me.Getting old alone is not fun but I try.

WoundedOpus posted 7/20/2013 07:58 AM

I reread this post, I see it's crazy, but it helped me writing this..

It's not crazy at all, in fact I think it's probably the most normal response to have.

I too, have spent many many years feeling pulled in two directions. Be strong, stay dependent. Live for me, stay for the kids (family). Examine the old me, reason with the new me. Blame him, blame's exhausting, and futile. I like most, came into my M with my own baggage; why couldn't that girl be stronger? Why couldn't she see the self worth I see in her now and avoid all of those mistakes?

It's good you're getting to a place of acceptance. I've been heading in that direction as well. I'm not in IC either, I know how hard and time consuming it could/would be to find the right person, and I'm not in a position to that. I think time is what is helping me the most. After all the years of living like this, my brain and my heart have finally crossed paths and are letting me know it's time to move on from this carrousel, going round and round as I go up and down, and I'm ready to get off.

As much as spending time with yourself in introspection and reflection is great, it really helps to actively seek help. Since I'm not in IC, I've turned to books and internet resources and it's helping immensely. No more books about how to rebuild my marriage, but books and articles about how to rebuild me, and understand the me I used to be and why she was who she was and made the choices she made. It's just like how we know we need to the "why's" of our WS affair so that we can make sure it never happens again, we need the "why's" of our own past, our own choices, if we hope to solve the problems and avoid making those mistakes again.

I've had so many 'Ah-ha' moments lately. Learning the why's of my past is allowing me to forgive the old me and insight into the me I am today. It's been one thing to say I need to learn how to make myself happy, be content with me...but you have to be ready to let go of where you are to get to where you need to be, let go of their part in your life and let go of the need to control the outcome, ready for acceptance, and until now I just wasn't really ready to do that.

I wish you much luck and peace and hope (and I!) in putting your pieces back together, and much happiness

everycloud posted 7/21/2013 04:11 AM

Thanks Pippy and Wounded!

I have moved on at last, living a much different life than I had planned.

I think for me the process of moving on has just started..I'm still struggling with the realization that the life I'd planned, I thought to have, the way I was looking at things have been disrupted by him and his actions.. that can't be changed, only accepted even if with constant pain.. what is in my power is to decide which direction my life will take, what I can do to be maybe not happy again but reach peace and serenity.

Learning the why's of my past is allowing me to forgive the old me and insight into the me I am today. It's been one thing to say I need to learn how to make myself happy,

Wounded, as you said I think my mistake was to concentrate on WH's whys, on how to have M go on, that meant not considering myself and my needs again...Now I want to work, read, learn about myself..M may end, Wh go away, but myself will remain.. I may be alone, perhaps lonely as Pippy says, but if I know and love myself, make myself my best friend, rely on my strenght maybe also loneliness will be more bearable.It's a long way, hard, I must go slowly, a small step every day.
Wounded, I see from your profile you're young, I'd have liked to have had you insight at your age..maybe you're not ready now but you've a whole life in front of you.. I wish you strenght and patience and luck!!And of course happiness to both of you!

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