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kickboxer posted 7/20/2013 07:52 AM

Okay.

A week ago, I learned about my husband's 7 month emotional long-distance affair with an insignificant fling he had 20 years ago, before we met.

Today has been a good day. I'm starting to eat and drink again. The edge of my paralyzed shock seems to be fading. Our children are hanging in there, despite the tension and things they've overheard.

His response was full of denial and defensiveness initially, but he quickly moved to being remorseful and apologetic, and has maintained that position. He has done everything I've asked as far as blocking her number, deleting several FB friends,burning old pictures/negatives, etc. He found a marriage counselor through his EAP, and we have our first session scheduled next week.

He ended the A on his own about a month ago, but didn't get rid of the evidence. (Sidenote: Why? That doesn't make sense to me.) I found their text message thread when I picked up his phone to delete a message I had sent to him by mistake.

Now...

For me, this experience has been lonely, isolating, and confidence-shattering. I didn't think the pain could get worse, and then a new detail would emerge about their interactions, and I would be proven wrong.

But, here's the thing. All week, I have I longed to be held, intimate, touched...I've wanted to feel desired...cherished...and I readily admit that I had my own thoughts of going out to find some random man somewhere who could help...except I don't want a random man. I want my husband.

Last night I couldn't stand it any longer...we had lots of sex. It was awesome. He's been loving, affectionate, patient -- as if it was as therapeutic for him as it was for me.

Withholding sex hasn't ever been a punishment between us...definitely a playful incentive/reward at times, but NEVER a punishment.

So...now I fear I've somehow rewarded him by getting it on so quickly after the reveal. I had a need, and he met it. Today we're both doing well. Life feels hopeful......but I can't ever, ever go through this again.

I have always loved having sex with my husband, and have no desire to look for anyone else to fill that need.

outtanowhere posted 7/20/2013 08:05 AM

Kickboxer,

I did the same thing! I was disgusted by what my H had done but, my hormones raged with desire for him a week after dday. Some of the most intense sex we have ever had and, I'm not gonna lie, it was great but, I couldn't believe I was doing it. Just a little weird to me but, I enjoyed it none the less.

Google the term called hysterical bonding. From what I understand, it stems from some primal need to reclaim your territory. Whatever it is, don't feel bad about it. I like to think it was a blessing to remind us what we had been missing from each other & I feel like it served to help us try harder to accomplish R.

Glad things are better for you. Even the smallest bit of relief is so welcomed isn't it?

kickboxer posted 7/20/2013 09:45 AM

I googled "Hysterical Bonding" and it describes the past 2 days TO A "T".

I've had this irresistible urge to FU** my husband. I completely relate to the descriptions of "primal" and "reclaiming territory". I also relate to wanting to replace images that may be stuck in his mind.

For the most part I read that this is normal for some people, while others don't experience it (which is normal too). I was relieved to read that it's "okay"...there's no shame or guilt in being turned on or wanting to maintain a physical relationship with the man I love.

I talked to him about my concern that he will feel "rewarded". He said the fact that I haven't thrown him to the curb, and I'm willing to work with him to heal our marriage means the more to him than the hot sex we've been having. That made me feel better too.

I'm feeling very "primal"...hope he can keep up!

tushnurse posted 7/20/2013 09:54 AM

HB can be a wonderful thing. It helps to start to rebuild the connection and bond. It's ok to enjoy it. It sounds like he gets what he has done, and has started the hard work of R. So allow it to happen don't question it and know that it can be a very helpful part of healing.
Btw as far as rewards go you are being rewarded for even considering an attempt at R.

kickboxer posted 7/20/2013 12:11 PM

"Btw as far as rewards go you are being rewarded for even considering an attempt at R."

This.

This is exactly what I needed to hear. I'm not rewarding his horrible behavior. He's rewarding me for still being here after all this shizz.

Skan posted 7/20/2013 15:25 PM

Hey, HB has it's place. It's a way to regain some feeling of control, of desirability, to mark your territory, and frankly, to build up some bonding. Especially if your spouse is remorseful. But be prepared. Quite often, after a great round of HB, you will lose your sex drive towards him completely. You might go back to finding being touched by him disgusting. That's normal. It's all part of the rollercoaster. So if it does happen, don't think that you're going crazy. It's the flip side of HB. At some point, your sex drive will settle into a new routine. Not saying that the disgust cycle happens to everyone, but it is a normal cycle.

Meanwhile, enjoy. I sure did!

sailorgirl posted 7/20/2013 15:40 PM

He ended the A on his own about a month ago, but didn't get rid of the evidence. (Sidenote: Why? That doesn't make sense to me.)

We had a similar thing. WH ended the A three weeks before d-day. All their correspondence was still there in his email inbox, including both of them writing about having had sex. And, WH leaves his email open on the computer in our study. Why?

WH says that on some level he wanted me to find out. He knew we could never have a strong marriage with this in between us, and he felt guilty to the core.

Skan posted 7/20/2013 23:19 PM

I sorta agree with sailorgirl. My husband is an IT specialist. He has literally written the code for signature programming for AT&T and other large companies.

Yet, he left his IM chat open for me to find. And his online correspondence. And all of his links to his on-line whores.

Our MC and I both think that he was trying to be found out. And thank god, that I did.

OnAnIsland posted 7/21/2013 04:05 AM

Indeed hysterical bonding can be great. Enjoy it while it is here. I know you said it was an EA, is there any chance it was physical? Or there might be other physical indiscretions? Take care yourself, and be safe. Are you planning to do std testing, even though he has said it was an ea? Be safe if there is any room for doubt. Our relationship benefited from hysterical bonding.

My WH is terrible at secrets and deception. We had joked before that there was no way he could pull off an A. But he did without getting caught. But he was getting much more reckless in the weeks/ month before I caught him. He thinks that he was trying to get caught. Who knows? I think it is hard for us to understand how their minds work because many of us just couldn't go there. My boundaries are too good, even when I am unhappy in our marriage.

T/j I think his ap wanted to be caught, so I would kick him to the curb, and she could go forward with her divorce and transition to step mother to my beautiful boys and wife#2 to my WH. She sent the sext that blew the Iid off it all. Must have been driving her crazy to think of our family celebrating Christmas. End t/j

IWantDoOver posted 7/21/2013 08:39 AM

HB is the one good thing in the immediate aftermath of the devastation.

Sorry to be Debbie Downer. Have you and he been checked for STD's in the last month? If there's any chance his long-distance EA was a PA, or he was acting out at other times in the marriage, you need to be checked.

papoula posted 7/21/2013 12:02 PM

It was so interesting reading this. Thanks everyone for sharing. It is amazing how people are different. Today is the 3 months mark since D day for me and since that me and my husband haven't had any sex or sexual contact. I am not doing this to punish him or as any kind of game, I just can't. I have no desire at all to have sex with him. Interesting how people are different.

outtanowhere posted 7/21/2013 12:23 PM

Papoula,

It indeed is different for everyone. I was kinda mad at myself because I thought there must be something wrong with me to feel that way after his grotesque behavior. I still don't get it but, it's definitely gone now. I just chalk it up to the total insanity this shit creates!

You were only married for 4 months? I'm so sorry. What a body slam! The mother in me wants to tell you to run very fast & don't look back!

[This message edited by outtanowhere at 12:24 PM, July 21st (Sunday)]

kickboxer posted 7/21/2013 15:56 PM

She lives several states away from us. I can't, for the life of me, fathom how they could have entered into a PA...given the distance, finances it would have taken, and knowing he hasn't been away from home long enough to travel through 2 time zones and back. I have nothing to suggest their EA ever had an opportunity to turn into a PA.

We're both worn out from HB today. It's been a crazy few days, but WHEW!!!! I don't think either of us could keep this up forever.

I definitely feel we've reconnected in a way that will help us communicate more effectively. I've noticed that last night and today I'm having more questions about things that seemed trivial before I found out. He's been patient, and we've been able to talk through my questions without drama thus far.

Papoula -- I couldn't imagine how on earth I'd be wanting all this action less than a week after finding out my husband was fantasizing about another woman, telling her he couldn't stop thinking about her, and complaining about how miserable he was to her...let alone the things he told her about me...the private frustrations he vented...

I think each day brings it's own emotional responses to the pain. I hope your WH is being kind, patient, and treating you with tenderness as you cope with the tragedy your heart has been through.

papoula posted 7/22/2013 21:23 PM

Outtanowhere, I think I would feel like you did after so I'm happy we haven't any sexual contact after Dday and yep we were only married for 4 months when I found the cheating. It has been 3 months since I found out and everyday I think about leaving. So far I cannot see us R. My counselor told me something very similar to what you just said. In longer marriages you invest a lot financially and emotionally and you have to weight that and I haven't invested much in this relationship. We don't have any assets together or children so I think she was trying to make me see I wouldn't loose much.

I also think not having sexual contact with is a subconscious way to detach from him.

Kickboxer, I wonder how things will be for you after. Keep us updated please. I think you shouldn't regret HB but I'm afraid I would.

My WH is being patient so far. He says he wants to have sex but haven't push the issue too much. I honestly don't care about what he wants anymore. javascript:AddSmily('%20%20')