Okay.
A week ago, I learned about my husband's 7 month emotional long-distance affair with an insignificant fling he had 20 years ago, before we met.
Today has been a good day. I'm starting to eat and drink again. The edge of my paralyzed shock seems to be fading. Our children are hanging in there, despite the tension and things they've overheard.
His response was full of denial and defensiveness initially, but he quickly moved to being remorseful and apologetic, and has maintained that position. He has done everything I've asked as far as blocking her number, deleting several FB friends,burning old pictures/negatives, etc. He found a marriage counselor through his EAP, and we have our first session scheduled next week.
He ended the A on his own about a month ago, but didn't get rid of the evidence. (Sidenote: Why? That doesn't make sense to me.) I found their text message thread when I picked up his phone to delete a message I had sent to him by mistake.
Now...
For me, this experience has been lonely, isolating, and confidence-shattering. I didn't think the pain could get worse, and then a new detail would emerge about their interactions, and I would be proven wrong.
But, here's the thing. All week, I have I longed to be held, intimate, touched...I've wanted to feel desired...cherished...and I readily admit that I had my own thoughts of going out to find some random man somewhere who could help...except I don't want a random man. I want my husband.
Last night I couldn't stand it any longer...we had lots of sex. It was awesome. He's been loving, affectionate, patient -- as if it was as therapeutic for him as it was for me.
Withholding sex hasn't ever been a punishment between us...definitely a playful incentive/reward at times, but NEVER a punishment.
So...now I fear I've somehow rewarded him by getting it on so quickly after the reveal. I had a need, and he met it. Today we're both doing well. Life feels hopeful......but I can't ever, ever go through this again.
I have always loved having sex with my husband, and have no desire to look for anyone else to fill that need.