A week ago, I learned about my husband's 7 month emotional long-distance affair with an insignificant fling he had 20 years ago, before we met.
Today has been a good day. I'm starting to eat and drink again. The edge of my paralyzed shock seems to be fading. Our children are hanging in there, despite the tension and things they've overheard.
His response was full of denial and defensiveness initially, but he quickly moved to being remorseful and apologetic, and has maintained that position. He has done everything I've asked as far as blocking her number, deleting several FB friends,burning old pictures/negatives, etc. He found a marriage counselor through his EAP, and we have our first session scheduled next week.
He ended the A on his own about a month ago, but didn't get rid of the evidence. (Sidenote: Why? That doesn't make sense to me.) I found their text message thread when I picked up his phone to delete a message I had sent to him by mistake.
For me, this experience has been lonely, isolating, and confidence-shattering. I didn't think the pain could get worse, and then a new detail would emerge about their interactions, and I would be proven wrong.
But, here's the thing. All week, I have I longed to be held, intimate, touched...I've wanted to feel desired...cherished...and I readily admit that I had my own thoughts of going out to find some random man somewhere who could help...except I don't want a random man. I want my husband.
Last night I couldn't stand it any longer...we had lots of sex. It was awesome. He's been loving, affectionate, patient -- as if it was as therapeutic for him as it was for me.
Withholding sex hasn't ever been a punishment between us...definitely a playful incentive/reward at times, but NEVER a punishment.
So...now I fear I've somehow rewarded him by getting it on so quickly after the reveal. I had a need, and he met it. Today we're both doing well. Life feels hopeful......but I can't ever, ever go through this again.
I have always loved having sex with my husband, and have no desire to look for anyone else to fill that need.
I did the same thing! I was disgusted by what my H had done but, my hormones raged with desire for him a week after dday. Some of the most intense sex we have ever had and, I'm not gonna lie, it was great but, I couldn't believe I was doing it. Just a little weird to me but, I enjoyed it none the less.
Google the term called hysterical bonding. From what I understand, it stems from some primal need to reclaim your territory. Whatever it is, don't feel bad about it. I like to think it was a blessing to remind us what we had been missing from each other & I feel like it served to help us try harder to accomplish R.
Glad things are better for you. Even the smallest bit of relief is so welcomed isn't it?
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
He promised me Heaven then put me thru hell
I've had this irresistible urge to FU** my husband. I completely relate to the descriptions of "primal" and "reclaiming territory". I also relate to wanting to replace images that may be stuck in his mind.
For the most part I read that this is normal for some people, while others don't experience it (which is normal too). I was relieved to read that it's "okay"...there's no shame or guilt in being turned on or wanting to maintain a physical relationship with the man I love.
I talked to him about my concern that he will feel "rewarded". He said the fact that I haven't thrown him to the curb, and I'm willing to work with him to heal our marriage means the more to him than the hot sex we've been having. That made me feel better too.
I'm feeling very "primal"...hope he can keep up!
This is exactly what I needed to hear. I'm not rewarding his horrible behavior. He's rewarding me for still being here after all this shizz.
Meanwhile, enjoy. I sure did!
D-Day, June 10, 2012
He ended the A on his own about a month ago, but didn't get rid of the evidence. (Sidenote: Why? That doesn't make sense to me.)
We had a similar thing. WH ended the A three weeks before d-day. All their correspondence was still there in his email inbox, including both of them writing about having had sex. And, WH leaves his email open on the computer in our study. Why?
WH says that on some level he wanted me to find out. He knew we could never have a strong marriage with this in between us, and he felt guilty to the core.
Yet, he left his IM chat open for me to find. And his online correspondence. And all of his links to his on-line whores.
Our MC and I both think that he was trying to be found out. And thank god, that I did.
My WH is terrible at secrets and deception. We had joked before that there was no way he could pull off an A. But he did without getting caught. But he was getting much more reckless in the weeks/ month before I caught him. He thinks that he was trying to get caught. Who knows? I think it is hard for us to understand how their minds work because many of us just couldn't go there. My boundaries are too good, even when I am unhappy in our marriage.
T/j I think his ap wanted to be caught, so I would kick him to the curb, and she could go forward with her divorce and transition to step mother to my beautiful boys and wife#2 to my WH. She sent the sext that blew the Iid off it all. Must have been driving her crazy to think of our family celebrating Christmas. End t/j
Married for over 15 years
2 beautiful boys in elementary school
You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them. Maya Angelou
Sorry to be Debbie Downer. Have you and he been checked for STD's in the last month? If there's any chance his long-distance EA was a PA, or he was acting out at other times in the marriage, you need to be checked.
It indeed is different for everyone. I was kinda mad at myself because I thought there must be something wrong with me to feel that way after his grotesque behavior. I still don't get it but, it's definitely gone now. I just chalk it up to the total insanity this shit creates!
You were only married for 4 months? I'm so sorry. What a body slam! The mother in me wants to tell you to run very fast & don't look back!
[This message edited by outtanowhere at 12:24 PM, July 21st (Sunday)]
We're both worn out from HB today. It's been a crazy few days, but WHEW!!!! I don't think either of us could keep this up forever.
I definitely feel we've reconnected in a way that will help us communicate more effectively. I've noticed that last night and today I'm having more questions about things that seemed trivial before I found out. He's been patient, and we've been able to talk through my questions without drama thus far.
Papoula -- I couldn't imagine how on earth I'd be wanting all this action less than a week after finding out my husband was fantasizing about another woman, telling her he couldn't stop thinking about her, and complaining about how miserable he was to her...let alone the things he told her about me...the private frustrations he vented...
I think each day brings it's own emotional responses to the pain. I hope your WH is being kind, patient, and treating you with tenderness as you cope with the tragedy your heart has been through.
I also think not having sexual contact with is a subconscious way to detach from him.
Kickboxer, I wonder how things will be for you after. Keep us updated please. I think you shouldn't regret HB but I'm afraid I would.