SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

LadyYoga posted 7/20/2013 08:34 AM

Please do not slam me. Our families are still enmeshed. She has written me many times about how sorry and sad she is. I have forgiven her but have not forgotten. I haven't spoken to her. Only text and email. I am just curious if anyone out there who is in successful R has also rebuilt a friendship with AP.

confused615 posted 7/20/2013 08:44 AM

I remember one of the emails she sent you..you posted it here.

She didn't sound remorseful..and IIRC..she acted as if you were a fool because this was *still* bothering you.

And..your WH...who hasn't been very supportive..and recently was pissy about you wanting him to remain NC with her...

Really?

Not slamming you..just don't understand.

In the time Ive been here,Ive followed your story. It seems when you have a few good weeks,when you're on the upswing of the roller coaster,you start thinking this is all ok,there can be contact,the OW isn't so bad..etc. Then something happens. OW or your WH does something and down you go..Im wondering if this is another one of those upswings?

LadyYoga posted 7/20/2013 08:50 AM

Possibly. I kinda feel like every one step back is two steps forward though. Since I "ran away" in May, things have been very smooth. It seems that we are all healing a bit every day. I'm not sure. I am taking baby steps. I watched the video on forgiveness http://www.prageruniversity.com/Life-Studies/Forgiveness.html

And it's helping me figure everything out. We are not moving. We live in a small town. H and OWH work in the same place. They live in our neighborhood, our kids go to same school, on and on. There has to be a way for me to accept what has happened and live in the present. No?

womaninflux posted 7/20/2013 09:03 AM

I have forgiven a woman who is married to one of SA(f?)WH's friends who talked trash about me before we were married (told H that he could do better than me, etc.). I'm glad I did --- she's become one of my biggest advocates since I discovered H's affair.

My advice is to not forgive until you ARE really ready to do so consistently for a number of months. In other words, don't just wake up one day and go for it if you happen to be in a forgiving mood.

In the end you have to do what is HEALTHIEST for you, not just because someone wants to be let off the hook so to speak.

Also, I would do this under the guidance of a counselor.

[This message edited by womaninflux at 9:04 AM, July 20th (Saturday)]

confused615 posted 7/20/2013 09:10 AM

Yes..there has to be a way for you to accept it and live in the present.

This woman was your friend..she knew your children..and she waged war on your family. What she did was an attack on you and your children.

If someone broke into your home and attacked your family...and eventually moved in next door..would you invite them over for dinner?

I don't know. I do understand what you're saying. But the fact that OW and your WH think your reaction is "silly" and they roll their eyes at you...it sounds very dangerous to invite this person back into your lives. She is the enemy. Could you ever trust her alone with your WH again? Would you trust your WH? If you all became "friends" again,there would be get togethers and such..there would be times when it was inevitable that your WH and the OW would be alone,even if just for a few minutes. Would you be ok with that? All these are questions you need to answer before you think of becoming friends with her.

I *do* believe you are trying to maintain things for your children..I know there has been talk that you are trying to be a martyr. I dont see that. I think you are a mom who loves her kids and you're trying to keep this from affecting them in any way..even if it costs you your sanity.

Think long and hard about inviting her back into your lives.

((((mom))))

If your

outtanowhere posted 7/20/2013 09:20 AM

You should read "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. You can forgive this woman but, I don't think she would be considered a friend of the marriage and if that is not the case, I'm afraid that is a set up for you to have to deal with this again in the future.

Forgiveness can be very freeing but, you should be extremely careful about welcoming her back into your life.

karmahappens posted 7/20/2013 09:25 AM

She has written me many times about how sorry and sad she is

Read this...

How sorry and how sad she is. How about how hurt and devastated you are?

Please. No 2 x 4 here, but you have to be kidding me.

I would never, ever invite the OW to be in our lives again. She doesn't deserve me as a friend. I care too much, give too much and love completely.

If you are on my team I will cheer you on, be there for you and do everything I can to be a source of support.

The OW was not your friend, she was a parasite.

I wouldn't give her another thought.

LadyYoga posted 7/20/2013 09:29 AM

I guess I didn't make it clear that I was letting her into MY life not OUR life. No way will they ever speak, or be alone in the Same room. I DO NOT trust her or think she has a good soul. And I don't want to be BFF with her again. I just want to be able to be friendly. Ie help each other out w kids etc. NC ever between H and OW. I may meet her for coffee one day just to put closure. But we won't be having a social life with them in it. Am is still nuts???

outtanowhere posted 7/20/2013 09:37 AM

I'm not sure you have thought this through very carefully. Is having her to help you out with kids worth the risk that at some point NC would be broken? For me, personally, there is not a snowball's chance in hell I would think of creating a situation where there was even a remote chance that could happen.

karmahappens posted 7/20/2013 09:41 AM

She had no concern for your children during their A...WHY would you think she suddenly does now?

I would not let her near my children.

Random thoughts posted 7/20/2013 09:59 AM

First of all you state they will never talk or be in the same room, unless your a being with magical powers you can't control others.

You claim she's not a good person nor has a good soul yet you would want her help with your kids when needed, this is the same woman who tried to destroy their family yet you trust her to guard them.

Its really doesn't matter that she wrote you a so sorry letter.

You can forgive her and not invite her back into your life, really what is there to gain for her to be hovering in the background waiting for a chance to get back at you for some reason or another.

Sorry but this woman wasn't a friend to begin with so not sure why you want to keep in contact with her or ask for her help.

The next time your mind goes there picture your kids packing their bags for the weekend with dad.

Summers without them because they're with dad and her or the new gf.

Sharing sporting events with them or having him spend as little with them or struggling to make sporting events or paying for them because of that second job.

This could have been or will be because you wanted to stay friends, YOU TEACH PEOPLE HOW TO TREAT YOU.

doesitgetbetter posted 7/20/2013 10:09 AM

I have two real life experiences with this. I know all of the people involved very closely, some are even relatives. Here you go:

1st family.

BH's best friend slept with WW. Best friend also had a wife. On DDay, BH and best friend stopped talking for a long time, I think it was like 2 years or maybe 3. BH felt like he lost so much, the best friend was his friend since childhood and the infidelity happened when he was in his 40's. Anyway, BH and best friend eventually did start talking again, and best friend was immediately (from DDay) remorseful and apologetic and respected any and all boundaries and name calling and venting that the BH felt he needed to do. They started becoming friends again slowly, and worked up to having lunch with each other at least once a week like they used to. It's been about 7 years now that the BH and best friend have been communicating again, and so far all is good. WW never has contact with the friend and doesn't answer the home phone when he calls for BH either.

2nd family.

BH has a very close cousin and a WW. Cousin and WW have an affair, DDay happens, and cousin is cut out of their lives. NC between all parties for about 6 years or so. BH feels he needs to forgive and start communicating with his family again, so he starts to communicate slowly with cousin. Cousin is not supposed to be communicating with WW though (not sure if they did or not, but seems like they did). About a year after welcoming cousin back into his life and trying to move on past the infidelity, WW runs off and moves in with cousin. Cousin is very ugly towards BH and turns everyone in the family against cousin (because it's his fault for being a bad husband of course ). It's now been 3 years since cousin started having contact with BH again and the WW has moved out, moved in, moved out again, she's had many more OM than just the cousin, and there's not a chance in heck that this M will survive at the rate the WW is trying to destroy it. Having cousin around was just what she needed to go absolutely crazy and feel like she was justified since BH got over it and let him back into their lives.

So, take what you will out of that, but those are my two real life experiences with allowing the OP back into your life after infidelity.

k8la posted 7/20/2013 10:22 AM

1st OW in my life saw friendship with me as a gateway to my WH. While it was just an EA, she used that to justify that she hadn't done anything wrong. She claimed God had prompted her to violate NC.

She preached the gospel of forgiveness and reconciliation in all her emails to me. Meanwhile doing everything she could to maintain some form of contact and tracking of WH.

She always attempted phone or in person contact with WH during traditional work hours, knowing I worked full time.

Reconciliation for her meant access to my WH.

I finally emailed her back and said God is not divided against Himself and He could sort out His instructions to me and my husband (NC) and His instructions to her (break NC). and until that happened, we would never be friends.

She finally stopped trying to break NC after that - but I had a letter ready to go to her minister next, in the event that she broke it - still have it filed away.

Sad in AZ posted 7/20/2013 15:47 PM

When I was trying to do the impossible and get the X to pull his head out of his ass, I went with him to the pub we liked to frequent every weekend. The OW was almost always there. I spoke to her and her DD (yes, she dragged her 13 DD to the bar every weekend; the kid would wind up sleeping on one of the benches.) I believe in the old adage 'Keep your friends close and your enemies closer.

I could carry on a conversation with her and thereby watch how she and the X interacted. It's a form of compartmentalization.

If her DD needed something, I would have done it; I wouldn't pee on the OW if she were on fire, though.

The only problem with this scenario is that the X saw it as nothing was wrong; we were all healed and life could go back to rainbows and fairytales. I knew they were still in contact (he didn't know I knew). It lead no where, so when I was done (realizing that he would never give up contact with her) I left.

Your situation is different, but the concept is the same. Could you compartmentalize enough to pull this off? Will it cause your WH to stop doing the hard work for R? Only you know this.

solus sto posted 7/20/2013 15:49 PM

Bad idea. Period.

GingerAle posted 7/20/2013 16:08 PM

I also think it is a very bad idea. At this point, you are still "picking the scab" everytime you text with her. I know its just about exchanging kids, but it's still contact, and that is toxic to your healing. Now you are considering a friendly relationship between you and her, but still NC between her and your H... well how long before your H thinks it's silly for him not to be friends with her again since you are? He already said it's silly he can't talk to her about kids if they are in the same place together. I worry that by doing this, you would be inviting more pain and heartache into your life.

One question... If your husband was supporting you 100% in R and NC, would you still be considering this?

[This message edited by GingerAle at 4:20 PM, July 20th (Saturday)]

LadyYoga posted 7/20/2013 16:30 PM

You are all correct and I am keeping my distance. The way it is now is fine. No coffees, no talking to each other. Just texting when necessary. We had an email exchange again this am and she is still crying the victim. I didn't even respond to her last email. I got to her though. She says while I feel better, she feels worse. Good.

RidingHealingRd posted 7/20/2013 16:37 PM

Wow...I didn't even know the bitch but I would NEVER forgive a person that screwed me like that. Hell, I won't even forgive my WH never mind MOW. I wish her dead daily.

Josephine01 posted 7/20/2013 16:41 PM

Momof3gbb,

I am with many other posters. I don't think that you have thought this through. It will be hard to separate your life from your and your H life. If you still don't trust her please don't let her back into your children s life. What if she has some kind of plan up her sleeves.

Yes, for your mental health, find a way to forgive her, but think really hard if you are to let her back into your life. She does not deserve you.

Love,