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Newest Member: Howtotrust (61551)

User Topic: Is healing it like sobriety?
♂ 38230
Member # 38230
Default  Posted: 10:14 AM, July 20th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And by that I mean, when I went sober I abstained from alcohol completely. Didn't look at. Didn't think about it.

These last few months have been very very good for me and my WW. However I find myself in the depths of despair when I think about it the affair. Especially when I am alone.

My point, is it something you simply do not think about in order to keep yourself out of the misery?

Me: BH
Her: WW Mrs.yaka
Variouse clues to EA. WW promised it would stop.
D-Day of EA 9/13/2012 2:01PM found 2 yrs of text messages, confessed to EA
D-Day of PA: confessed on 9/22/12 11:53 PM. Worst moment of my life

Posts: 248 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Massachusetts
♀ 37044
Member # 37044
Default  Posted: 10:38 AM, July 20th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The approach you describe is one way, but I believe in a different approach, like many people here on SI. I believe in feeling all my feelings related to my fWH's A (goog, bad & indifferent). I have grown tremendously, as a wife and as a human being. It's also brought up all my other issues (FOO, CSA, etc), which I don't see as a bad thing at all. IC has helped me look at myself.

In agreeing to R, I was promised a better marriage. IC for my fWH and MC for both of us is helping with that.

BW, R last 4 years of marriage out of 15... FINALLY, HAPPILY DIVORCING!

We are in R.

Posts: 698 | Registered: Oct 2012
♀ 16024
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 10:42 AM, July 20th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have learned on here that you have to feel it to heal it. I don't think suppressing the feelings or thoughts is healthy.

I do think that sometimes it is self harming to allow yourself to go to that dark place on a regular basis, to 'go there' every time. (Not sure if I'm expressing myself clearly. I don't want to convey that the feelings are voluntary and/or controllable, it's the response to the feelings that you can work on).

Maybe the thing to work on is allowing yourself to feel the feelings, and then gently let them go. Give yourself permission to feel that pain, but don't wallow in it. I guess the goal is to get to the point of acceptance. That you were cheated on, the pain is brutal, that you can't change it but you can move forward. I think in time this will get easier.

I hope any part of this post helps, Yakamishi. I'm sorry for your pain.

"If you want to know who your tribe is, speak your truth, then see who sticks around. Those are the people who get a spot in your blanket fort." -Nanea Hoffman

Posts: 55123 | Registered: Sep 2007
♀ 19636
Member # 19636
Default  Posted: 10:56 AM, July 20th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For me, I need to process it, grieve it, deal with it, cope with it.

If I bury it alive, it is still.... alive.

I want to get through it to the other side, I don't want it lurking below all the time, so I need to process it.

Thank God for a good IC and MC.

BW - Reconciling

edited for typos (I always have to!)

Posts: 3842 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Midwest
Topic Posts: 4

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