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Is healing it like sobriety?

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Yakamishi posted 7/20/2013 10:14 AM

And by that I mean, when I went sober I abstained from alcohol completely. Didn't look at. Didn't think about it.

These last few months have been very very good for me and my WW. However I find myself in the depths of despair when I think about it the affair. Especially when I am alone.

My point, is it something you simply do not think about in order to keep yourself out of the misery?

Knowing posted 7/20/2013 10:38 AM

The approach you describe is one way, but I believe in a different approach, like many people here on SI. I believe in feeling all my feelings related to my fWH's A (goog, bad & indifferent). I have grown tremendously, as a wife and as a human being. It's also brought up all my other issues (FOO, CSA, etc), which I don't see as a bad thing at all. IC has helped me look at myself.

In agreeing to R, I was promised a better marriage. IC for my fWH and MC for both of us is helping with that.

authenticnow posted 7/20/2013 10:42 AM

I have learned on here that you have to feel it to heal it. I don't think suppressing the feelings or thoughts is healthy.

I do think that sometimes it is self harming to allow yourself to go to that dark place on a regular basis, to 'go there' every time. (Not sure if I'm expressing myself clearly. I don't want to convey that the feelings are voluntary and/or controllable, it's the response to the feelings that you can work on).

Maybe the thing to work on is allowing yourself to feel the feelings, and then gently let them go. Give yourself permission to feel that pain, but don't wallow in it. I guess the goal is to get to the point of acceptance. That you were cheated on, the pain is brutal, that you can't change it but you can move forward. I think in time this will get easier.

I hope any part of this post helps, Yakamishi. I'm sorry for your pain.

JustWow posted 7/20/2013 10:56 AM

For me, I need to process it, grieve it, deal with it, cope with it.

If I bury it alive, it is still.... alive.

I want to get through it to the other side, I don't want it lurking below all the time, so I need to process it.

Thank God for a good IC and MC.

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