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rbf1234 posted 7/20/2013 10:33 AM

What happens to a couple in reconciliation when the BW doesn't want to have sex?

Almost 9 months after DD, we are trying to reconcile. (See the summary in my profile.)

We are getting along better than we have in years, so that is a tremendous relief.

But I do not feel like having sex. In fact, abstaining is making me feel safe and somewhat free. A form of detachment I suppose. My own limited form of 180 maybe?

To complicate matters, during the years that he was cheating, he was emotionally distant and verbally mean,but our sex life was great. (For both of us.) Most nights a week unless he was traveling. I therefore placed great emotional meaning on sex. (Sex is how I express love he said ... and I believed it.)

So now sex feels like a lie. It reminds me of what an idiot I was. Hard to imagine wanting to have sex again with him or any other man.

So, my question:

What happens to a couple in reconciliation when the BW doesn't want to have sex? (Especially if the WH engaged in sexually compulsive behavior during the infidelity).

And what happens over time... if it goes on a long time?

Please advice. Be brutally honest.

Notmetoo2011 posted 7/20/2013 11:49 AM

I'm hoping it's just part of the process. We went through HB and then things went back to a more normal frequency, but for the last month or so I haven't felt like sex at all. I keep thinking about all the other women he was with and the thought of sex with him disgusts me. In other aspects of our life we are getting along, he is remorseful, trying to do the right things etc. I don't know why it took so long to get to this stage. Maybe it means the As were a dealbreaker for me and I'm done. I don't know, but obviously we can't live like this forever.

seekingtomorrow posted 7/20/2013 11:52 AM

its an area we've struggled with to, we had a short improvement but a sudden relapse

Later posted 7/20/2013 12:00 PM

I can certainly sympathize. There are a lot of reasons why I have a diminished interest, but in part it's because I recognize it as a tool for manipulation and an effort to avoid the real issues

Having said that, I am confident that sex is extremely important to a healthy marriage. In the long term sexual refusal can't be good. If we can't get past it I think it's time to move on. JMO.

Skan posted 7/20/2013 16:15 PM

I couldn't live in a marriage where there was no sex unless my FWH was physically incapable of doing it. An IC that I saw for a short time said that sex is one of those things that you don't really think about per se, unless you aren't getting any, at which point it becomes crucially important. And that sex is one of the primary ways of bonding and easing all of those little day-to-day stressors that tend to irritate you and make a couple critical towards each other. And I believe that.

Yeah, we all go through dry spells, but IMO, if you never have the desire to have sex and you've attended IC, checked for medical issues, etc., but it's just not there, then perhaps you need to re-examine who you're married to and why.

rbf1234 posted 8/1/2013 18:30 PM

So for this moment, this problem is resolved for me. We have resumed a sex life. But it is still depressing. For so many years I thought it meant something that it did not. Seems to illustrate everything that is lost - probably permanently.

crazyblindsided posted 8/1/2013 18:55 PM

(((rbf1234)))