I had the same fear you are describing just a few months ago. It was one of the biggest obstacles to R for me. I want to be happy again. If 1,2, 5 years from now I'm still going to be feeling insecure, anxious, and unhappy a fair amount of the time, it isn't worth it for me.
I think this is one of those things that comes with the dreaded T word - time.
Yeah, I am happy. I have found so much in myself with IC and dealing with my own history.
I have to say though, the biggest piece in this journey was healing me, finding myself, my voice. Learning how ok I really am.
We went through a lot of pain and heartache....but man, the otherside is so wonderful.
Sometimes I feel bad because so many of us on SI are still in the middle of the pain I don't feel right posting happy.
But it is here, and I will never take a moment of my life, kids or happiness for granted again.
Do the work to make yourself strong and happy and wherever it leads you..R or D you will find your own happiness.
(((hugs)))
^^^OMG, don't.
I love the analogy with the thread and the beads. I will keep it in mind!
I beleive deep happiness can be acheived with either R or S/D. It depends if you choose easy fixes to cover up the pain or if you work hard on yourself, for instance, through IC and taking responibility for your own well-being.
When being part of a couple, we tend to make the other responsible for our happiness, and that is a dead end for both BS and WS. It takes time but the payoff is knowing yourself better to become capable to fulfill your needs, no matter if in a couple or alone. How can't that not be better in the long run?
[This message edited by burnt_toast at 11:54 AM, July 20th (Saturday)]
the idea of 'd' has never been right, the idea is inconceivable to me, i've looked at it and still do sometimes and felt like I should
I don't know if this makes sense...but I think BS's have to let go of the whole R/S/D question until they get to a healthy strong place.
So many times a BS will chase after R no matter what the cost, because thats what they want. Some WS's will never get it and it has nothing to do with the BS. If the BS would put the decision on hold and heal themselves , get in a good place emotionally then the decision to R/D is almost more of a natural progression.
The fork in the road and the choice one has to make is so much easier to make with a clear head and a healthy sense of self.
I'm not happy every moment of every day now. I am relaxed, though. I like myself again. My life is incredibly hard, I am fearful because we don't have enough money. But I am able to be happy now.
The trick for me is finding some kind of peace with TODAY.
I'm an anxiety ridden panic monger by nature, and this ride has taught me to try and see where happiness and contentment lives outside of that. Be at peace with how I process things, and say "I've done the best I can today, and that's ok."
I'm not a pro at it, but when I latch on to that peace, happiness is always quick to follow.
DDay was a little over 2 years ago; the divorce will be final 2 years in October.
I'm actually happier now than I was while I was married or before I was married.
For me, I know that finding out the man I'd committed my life to just a few months earlier was cheating was devastating, but I also chose to reframe it as an opportunity to grow. I threw myself into IC. I worked harder than I've ever worked on anything to get to the bottom of not only what happened between XH and I, but a bunch of other junk in my life.
Sometimes shitty stuff happens. You always have a choice how to react though. For me, that choice was to be proactive and find room for growth. That intentional growth has made a world of difference in my life. Call it a silver lining if you will, but over time, for me, it's out weighed the pain of the betrayal and divorce.
That said, I think I'll always wish this never happened. Deep down I miss him all the time. If it wasn't for the A, I would have never thought we were anything but the most solid and committed couple. The A took away a lot of my "innocence".
5 yrs out from dday
Then again, I do think happiness tends to show itself in stolen moments, and I'm experiencing more of those than ever.
I'm getting there.
Find out about the LTA was extremely traumatic for me but my FWH was extremely remorseful and committed to saving our marriage.
Am I happy? In my marriage? No. His verbal abuse/verbal attacks are on the rise coinciding with my job opportunity and his trip home (wonder who is bank rolling that journey). Walking on egg shells is getting old. Attacks on my ability to do my job at work, my parenting etc...all getting old
My happiness stems from the following:
My kids
Their new school opportunity.
My new job opportunity (long hours and sfressful since im down 50% of my work force but im loving opportunity)
[This message edited by sullymeishadomi at 7:42 PM, July 20th (Saturday)]
Finally fealing peace.
My H has done a lot of work too, but after all these years together and seeing how he betrayed us, I learned I can't count on him or anyone else to make me happy. I'm the only one that has control of whether I'm happy or sad or calm or excited or....whatever. I'm in the driver's seat of my life, not H. He's a passenger, one I love and enjoy being with, but if he wants to get out at the next stop, I will keep driving. I know that now. And it's comforting....freeing.
I'm sure there are still a lot of twists and turns ahead, good and bad, but I'm focused on enjoying the rest of my ride. From a great afternoon out with my girls to watching a scary movie with H to lingering over that gooey thick sweet piece of chocolate full of calories I don't need, but boy does it sure taste good, I'm finding a lot to smile about.
On DDay I thought my world had ended. But in hindsight, the world around me had changed while I wasn't watching and DDay was the wake up call I needed to notice it was time for me to change too.
