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seekingtomorrow posted 7/20/2013 10:41 AM

I suppose im talking more people who feel like,, I don't know,,, they've come through the process, whatever they chose,,, are you happy. I can't help fearing that I will never be 'really' happy again. I look at all my options as which one will I be closest to happy. i've had happy moments since dday, lots of them more than I an count and essentially my life is very blessed, but not the same happiness that just ran through my life like a tread, happiness is more like the beads than the thread now, whereas the thread runs though everything deep in the tapestry the beads come and go, sometimes in single sometimes in clusters but they sit on the tapestry rather than living in it weaving in it, the idea of that forever seems so so sad an draining, I can see that the beads can become more dense and regular and life can get better but I can't ever see happiness weaving through me like it did a year ago before all this started:(

doesitgetbetter posted 7/20/2013 10:57 AM

5 years and 7 months from DDay here. I'm happy. We are R'ed. Today, the happiness is like that thread, and the unhappiness is like the beads on my tapestry. I really don't think it's very reasonable to expect to be happy all the time, so I'm thrilled with what I've got now. It took a lot of hard work and a long time to get here, but I am here.

Althea posted 7/20/2013 11:04 AM

I'm a year out and although the happiness isn't the thread yet, I can see it becoming that way.

I had the same fear you are describing just a few months ago. It was one of the biggest obstacles to R for me. I want to be happy again. If 1,2, 5 years from now I'm still going to be feeling insecure, anxious, and unhappy a fair amount of the time, it isn't worth it for me.

I think this is one of those things that comes with the dreaded T word - time.

karmahappens posted 7/20/2013 11:06 AM

5 years 11 months here.

Yeah, I am happy. I have found so much in myself with IC and dealing with my own history.

I have to say though, the biggest piece in this journey was healing me, finding myself, my voice. Learning how ok I really am.

We went through a lot of pain and heartache....but man, the otherside is so wonderful.

Sometimes I feel bad because so many of us on SI are still in the middle of the pain I don't feel right posting happy.

But it is here, and I will never take a moment of my life, kids or happiness for granted again.

Do the work to make yourself strong and happy and wherever it leads you..R or D you will find your own happiness.


seekingtomorrow posted 7/20/2013 11:16 AM

the idea of 'd' has never been right, the idea is inconceivable to me, i've looked at it and still do sometimes and felt like I should,, but at no point even when feeling like we should 'd' has it felt right, so we are moving towards 'r' but im just so scared (bad day today in case you can't tell lol) if im happy it feels shallow and like a lie and if im down it feels so deep and cold, im scared of what it must be like to live with me like this, am I scarring the relationship further by not being happy, am I scarring my children by not being happy, can they tell?

burnt_toast posted 7/20/2013 11:17 AM

Sometimes I feel bad because so many of us on SI are still in the middle of the pain I don't feel right posting happy.

^^^OMG, don't.

I love the analogy with the thread and the beads. I will keep it in mind!

I beleive deep happiness can be acheived with either R or S/D. It depends if you choose easy fixes to cover up the pain or if you work hard on yourself, for instance, through IC and taking responibility for your own well-being.

When being part of a couple, we tend to make the other responsible for our happiness, and that is a dead end for both BS and WS. It takes time but the payoff is knowing yourself better to become capable to fulfill your needs, no matter if in a couple or alone. How can't that not be better in the long run?

[This message edited by burnt_toast at 11:54 AM, July 20th (Saturday)]

karmahappens posted 7/20/2013 11:38 AM

the idea of 'd' has never been right, the idea is inconceivable to me, i've looked at it and still do sometimes and felt like I should

I don't know if this makes sense...but I think BS's have to let go of the whole R/S/D question until they get to a healthy strong place.

So many times a BS will chase after R no matter what the cost, because thats what they want. Some WS's will never get it and it has nothing to do with the BS. If the BS would put the decision on hold and heal themselves , get in a good place emotionally then the decision to R/D is almost more of a natural progression.

The fork in the road and the choice one has to make is so much easier to make with a clear head and a healthy sense of self.

seekingtomorrow posted 7/20/2013 12:06 PM

karmahappens, I know what you mean, it was difficult as I really didn't feel ready to be making any decisions, but I felt I needed to make some decisions to know how to proceed, first and foremost was I going to let him stay in the house or not, then where was he going to sleep, we had my brother living with us at the time and there was no way I could let him know the full story of what was happening and I needed to do everything in a way that provided and ensured stability for the children, especially as my son was so young.

Nature_Girl posted 7/20/2013 13:18 PM

Kicking my husband to the curb and filing for divorce was a gift to myself. A gift called HOPE. I now have hope for happiness again. There was no hope for happiness as long as I continued to try and stay married to him. The day I kicked him out was the day I was able to start laughing again and hoping for a future for myself that was not filled with only misery & suffering.

I'm not happy every moment of every day now. I am relaxed, though. I like myself again. My life is incredibly hard, I am fearful because we don't have enough money. But I am able to be happy now.

bestrongforyou posted 7/20/2013 13:40 PM

we are separated 4 years and I don't know if I would call it happy - but I feel content - so much good has come from the split - no more walking on eggshells - the relationship with my kids is so much better - I don't have to be suspicious anymore - I rarely think about WH - I enjoy vacations more - the list is endless

Jrazz posted 7/20/2013 13:54 PM

I think that there are degrees of happiness when it comes to our decision. For some, there's zero doubt as to what they want their family shaped like, for others it is a constant nagging question as to whether we made the right decision or not.

The trick for me is finding some kind of peace with TODAY.

I'm an anxiety ridden panic monger by nature, and this ride has taught me to try and see where happiness and contentment lives outside of that. Be at peace with how I process things, and say "I've done the best I can today, and that's ok."

I'm not a pro at it, but when I latch on to that peace, happiness is always quick to follow.

Amazonia posted 7/20/2013 15:03 PM

I am.

DDay was a little over 2 years ago; the divorce will be final 2 years in October.

I'm actually happier now than I was while I was married or before I was married.

For me, I know that finding out the man I'd committed my life to just a few months earlier was cheating was devastating, but I also chose to reframe it as an opportunity to grow. I threw myself into IC. I worked harder than I've ever worked on anything to get to the bottom of not only what happened between XH and I, but a bunch of other junk in my life.

Sometimes shitty stuff happens. You always have a choice how to react though. For me, that choice was to be proactive and find room for growth. That intentional growth has made a world of difference in my life. Call it a silver lining if you will, but over time, for me, it's out weighed the pain of the betrayal and divorce.

PhantomLimb posted 7/20/2013 16:05 PM

I think we learn to be content/happy with our "new" lives because we have to. If we live in the past, we really do just hold ourselves back and maybe miss out at future chances at happiness, etc.

That said, I think I'll always wish this never happened. Deep down I miss him all the time. If it wasn't for the A, I would have never thought we were anything but the most solid and committed couple. The A took away a lot of my "innocence".

simplydevastated posted 7/20/2013 16:38 PM

Am I happy? No.

5 yrs out from dday

solus sto posted 7/20/2013 18:00 PM

Not yet. I have bursts of happiness, but so much worry about money, kids, etc that I haven't sustained it.

Then again, I do think happiness tends to show itself in stolen moments, and I'm experiencing more of those than ever.

I'm getting there.

Skye posted 7/20/2013 18:16 PM

I'm not sure I'm happy all the time, but definitely have lots of happiness. More importantly, to me, I'm flourishing. There is no marriage, but I've gotten around that and life is good.

njgal480 posted 7/20/2013 18:57 PM

I am 6 yrs post d-day and we are reconciled.
It was a long road getting to this point-He got sober, went to AA, went to IC, I went to IC and we went to MC together.

Find out about the LTA was extremely traumatic for me but my FWH was extremely remorseful and committed to saving our marriage.

bigpicture3236 posted 7/20/2013 19:08 PM

I am 'relaxed'. After 5 years of dealing with a WS who wouldn't do anything to fix the damage, I had enough and divorced him. I no longer walk on egg shells or sit and fret about him working with OW.
I tried to R the marriage; I wanted that for us and the kids. But, it was never going to happen when I was the only one who wanted it.
This is MUCH better! I wish I had done it 5 years ago!

sullymeishadomi posted 7/20/2013 19:32 PM

Dday is July 28....6 yrs.

Am I happy? In my marriage? No. His verbal abuse/verbal attacks are on the rise coinciding with my job opportunity and his trip home (wonder who is bank rolling that journey). Walking on egg shells is getting old. Attacks on my ability to do my job at work, my parenting etc...all getting old

My happiness stems from the following:

My kids

Their new school opportunity.

My new job opportunity (long hours and sfressful since im down 50% of my work force but im loving opportunity)

[This message edited by sullymeishadomi at 7:42 PM, July 20th (Saturday)]

Alex CR posted 7/21/2013 05:21 AM

Most definitely. Almost four years out and I've found myself saying to others recently that I love my life. I've changed a lot. I think that's the key. I'm happy with me.

My H has done a lot of work too, but after all these years together and seeing how he betrayed us, I learned I can't count on him or anyone else to make me happy. I'm the only one that has control of whether I'm happy or sad or calm or excited or....whatever. I'm in the driver's seat of my life, not H. He's a passenger, one I love and enjoy being with, but if he wants to get out at the next stop, I will keep driving. I know that now. And it's comforting....freeing.

I'm sure there are still a lot of twists and turns ahead, good and bad, but I'm focused on enjoying the rest of my ride. From a great afternoon out with my girls to watching a scary movie with H to lingering over that gooey thick sweet piece of chocolate full of calories I don't need, but boy does it sure taste good, I'm finding a lot to smile about.

On DDay I thought my world had ended. But in hindsight, the world around me had changed while I wasn't watching and DDay was the wake up call I needed to notice it was time for me to change too.

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