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User Topic: Will I ever be "over it"? Will I ever not be hypervigilent?
mchercheur
♀ 37735
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 1:27 PM, July 20th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

2 yrs 2 1/2 mos out.

WH is trying. He also would love to pretend that his A never happened.

I don't think about it all day long anymore, but I think about it every day.

WH's mother (who also betrayed me by saying WH didn't do anything wrong & blaming me for WH's A) is definitely acting as if it never happened. She is not really in my life anymore, except occasionally at a major family life event, where I have acted polite but distant ( she & I had been quite close for 24 yrs before WH's A.)

OW, who still works in the same building as WH ( he states they do not have any contact) has gone on with her life unscathed as if the A never happened, & is apparently happy in a new relationship.

And here I am. Every time WH doesn't answer his cellphone, or is a few minutes late coming home,or I see him texting someone, the thought immediately enters my mind----could he be doing it again? I know this is not rational. He tells me he will never do it again, that he has learned from his mistake. But when he said his marriage vow to me, wasn't he promising that he would never forsake me , & yet those words obviously meant nothing. So, why should I believe him this time?

It's just that for 23 years I never doubted him, never thought twice about where he was-----I completely trusted him. There were things in our marriage that I was not happy about, but I put up with them because I thought that he was one of the few men who would never cheat. For 23 years, I felt like we had a rock solid foundation. Now, it still feels so shaky---that I will never have that security again.

[This message edited by mchercheur at 1:28 PM, July 20th (Saturday)]


Me: BW
Him: WH --Had 7 mo. PA with COW;
Married 20something years with kids
Trying to R

Posts: 1465 | Registered: Dec 2012
Deanna
♀ 26854
Member # 26854
Default  Posted: 4:49 PM, July 20th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am almost four years out. My husband would also like to pretend it never happened. There does come a point in your recovery that you have to stop talking about the affair all the time. This is just my opinion but I don't think you can move forward when you bring up the affair on a daily basis. I met with one therapist that said for six months you can treat him like shit. Call him every name in the book but after six months you have to take a key and lock the affair away. Now, I don't agree with that but I think at some point you have to stop being "hypervigilent".
We have not spoke about the affair in six months. We will be watching a tv show and it will have something about an affair. I get uncomfortable but I don't starting getting on his case about it. Life is too short. What would starting a fight do everytime I thought about the affair. Our lives are so much better now that we have some time between us and the affair. Look it is never going to be easy but I think you might want to lighten up on yourself a little. I believe that my husband got it. I don't believe he would let this happen again and I also believe we wouldn't let our marriage get in such a bad place again.
Try even if it is just for a few days to give yourself a break from the affair. I bet you will find yourself a lot happier.


DDay - 11/4/09
BS-49 DDay
fWS-46 DDay
EA/PA with childhood sweetheart/ kissed
R - 11/25/09
Life is not a dress rehearsal

Posts: 1476 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Northeast
brokensmile322
♀ 35758
Member # 35758
Default  Posted: 7:54 AM, July 21st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I totally understand this post.

My WH travels for his work. He is no longer working with OW, but he travels extensively. There are lots of dinners, social events, drinks, etc.. Not a flipping thing I can do about it.

I could walk away. I have thought about it. I have asked myself if I can live with it. When he started traveling again, I started to anxiety attacks. He tried his best and he does call etc.. but you know what? Nothing is going to help. I have let go. I have worked on me. I started to do things for me. I have to believe that I will be ok. I am not the same person I was back then. I am not as naive. I still have triggers and I am learning to deal with most of them on my own.

I think it does come down to a choice at some point. Hugs!


Me BS 42 Him WS 44
OW Coworker DDay April 7, 2012
EA on a slippery slope...

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Viktor Frankl

"When you are happy, you can forgive a great deal."


Posts: 1610 | Registered: Jun 2012
karmahappens
♀ 35846
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 8:09 AM, July 21st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh god, I so get this.

I was the same way...pouring over phone bills, looking through emails. I was not rational and borderline bat shit crazy.

I never found anything, ever.I could turn the most innocent exchange into something...dig... and know the whole time that I was digging that I was nuts.

It is the worst feeling. It had gotten past the point of trusting him...I couldn't trust myself. I could see pink and wonder if it was blue...really.

But there comes a time when WE have to let go. Not trust blindly, ever again...but really, coming home a few minutes late from work is normal. Stopping at the store is normal. My H still will text me if running late or if he deviates from his schedule. I think at this point its habit...

I had to make the choice to stop looking. It was hard initially. I would get an idea and jump for my laptop I would use my normal brain (you have 2 brains right, the normal and the crazy?) and talk myself through why I didn't need to check, why I was being irrational. I forced myself to listen to my normal side, and it has been right.

Slowly, ever so slowly the urge goes away. It's really the breaking of a habit at this point (when you have a spouse doing whats needed to R)

I have no other answers, except for me, I had to make the decision to let go. You need to let trust move back in when it's deserved.

(((hugs)))


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3872 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
sisoon
♂ 31240
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 8:31 AM, July 21st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My sitch is different - my W may wish she never had the A, but she's working on her pain every day, and I see it. If my W had declared herself changed/healed, especially if her mother had supported her A, I think I could feel the way you do.

I'm just writing to say the rue of thumb is 2-5 years from the last hurt.

At the same time, the only way to stop being hypervigilant is to stop. Something's keeping you from doing that - if you figure out what it is, you may be able to free yourself.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10754 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
DoneWithLove
♀ 39380
Member # 39380
Default  Posted: 6:21 PM, July 21st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can relate to your post. The hypervigilence is what I call being on red alert, when your always ready to defend yourself at all costs. You may feel paranoid or crazy but its a sign of post traumatic stress disorder. You cant just lock it up and put it away, its not like clothing that doesn't fit anymore or a used bandaid from a little paper cut. Things like infedelity are scaring and wreck your life and perception about alot of things. If he had beaten you to within an inch of your life, would you just let it go after 6 months or would you work at it until your completely healed both physically and mentally? You need time and no one can tell you how long you should take and though time doesn't heal all wounds, you will feel better in time. Just like with physical wounds, the more extensive the damage, the more help youll need. Good luck


BW: Me (24)
FWH: Him (24) Jlaz1988ws
Together 11/12/06
2 sons, ages 5 and 1
Married 9/29/12
EA turned PA with OW/ coworker for 2- 4 weeks
D day 4/20/13
TT 4/20/13 - 7/30/13
"R" 5/3/13

Posts: 191 | Registered: May 2013 | From: The mitten state
mchercheur
♀ 37735
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 7:05 PM, July 21st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for the replies.

Deanna,

There does come a point in your recovery that you have to stop talking about the affair all the time. This is just my opinion but I don't think you can move forward when you bring up the affair on a daily basis.

I have consciously NOT spoken about WH's A in several months---I get it that I can't continue to "beat him up" on a daily basis, & that I have to focus on the present moment. We are closer during the past 2 yrs, & I do believe that we are both conscious of not letting our marriage get to such a bad (distant) place again.

brokensmile322, yes, when he is gone for a few days, I start triggering like crazy----it is as if I am back in that time when he was never home ( & with her---I still don't know exactly how much). So, because we have already discussed this problem in MC, he calls me often when he is gone a lot.
It helps a little.

karmahappens,

I would use my normal brain (you have 2 brains right, the normal and the crazy?) and talk myself through why I didn't need to check, why I was being irrational. I forced myself to listen to my normal side, and it has been right.

What I tell myself is: every second that I spend worrying about if WH is with OW again ( like if I am tempted to drive past her house on the way home from work to see if his car is there) is time taken away from my kids.
You said you never found anything----my problem is that I became the world's best Private Eye, & I found plenty. He had continued contact with OW for months after Dday, while stating to me that he had NC. On my days off, I followed either WH or OW in a borrowed car ( & sort of in disguise) & caught them having lunch together more than once, texting & calling each other (she even changed her cellphone # but I suspected it, & called the new # from a payphone & she answered----that eve in MC, WH stated he had had no contact with her IN FRONT OF THE MC, & then I pulled out the phone records of all the calls/texts back & forth to the new # .) So, I wish I had never found anything. I have not found anything since he moved back home more than a year & a half ago, so I think it is over. But since he looked me in the eye so many times & stated that he had had no contact, & then I found out that he was lying, I don't know how I will ever trust him again.
Slowly, ever so slowly the urge goes away. It's really the breaking of a habit at this point

Yes, the urge is going away a little. But I still have to fight it.


sisoon, yes, something is keeping me from stopping---probably it is my OC/anxious personality type. & I guess I am rushing things---I am 2 yrs 2 1/2 mos post Dday, but the last hurt/lie(by omission---OW emailed him about a year ago, & he didn't tell me until I specifically asked, months later) was only a few months ago.

DoneWithLove,

The hypervigilence is what I call being on red alert, when your always ready to defend yourself at all costs. You may feel paranoid or crazy but its a sign of post traumatic stress disorder.

Bingo. This is what my IC tells me. She is trying some sort of electrical stimulation with me to help with the PTSD.

Wow. Did any of you ever imagine that you would have to go thru this?


Me: BW
Him: WH --Had 7 mo. PA with COW;
Married 20something years with kids
Trying to R

Posts: 1465 | Registered: Dec 2012
Yakamishi
♂ 38230
Member # 38230
Default  Posted: 8:14 PM, July 21st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Here's my problem with this, 3 years ago I had discovered for the third time my WW having communications with the OM. At the time I thought it a EA. and she promised to never see him again and she even quit her job. I was vigilant in checking for about a month or two but then just let it go. Unfortunately it had already gone PA and they continued for another two years. I ended up finding the texts that were always there for me to find, but simply didn't suspect. Or even consider she was capable of it.

I will NEVER stop looking. Not again. Never again. No fucking way. Never.


Me: BH
Her: WW Mrs.yaka
Kids:4
Variouse clues to EA. WW promised it would stop.
D-Day of EA 9/13/2012 2:01PM found 2 yrs of text messages, confessed to EA
D-Day of PA: confessed on 9/22/12 11:53 PM. Worst moment of my life

Posts: 222 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Massachusetts
mchercheur
♀ 37735
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 8:16 PM, July 21st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know


Me: BW
Him: WH --Had 7 mo. PA with COW;
Married 20something years with kids
Trying to R

Posts: 1465 | Registered: Dec 2012
DoneWithLove
♀ 39380
Member # 39380
Default  Posted: 9:17 PM, July 21st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have gone through this with my ex of a year and a half. He wasnt remorseful at all, he was also a serial cheater/ repeat offender and was sexually, verbally and physically abusive. I developed ptsd as result of what happened to me in that relationship. Sometimes I feel like I traded one hell for another because pre A my FWH was extremely neglectful, to the point that I considered myself to be a single mom with a part- time, live- in H. Im trying hard to not be overtaken by ptsd again and I feel optimistic that it wont be as severe because ive overcome this obstacle before and I can use what ive learned. Good luck

[This message edited by DoneWithLove at 9:23 PM, July 21st (Sunday)]


BW: Me (24)
FWH: Him (24) Jlaz1988ws
Together 11/12/06
2 sons, ages 5 and 1
Married 9/29/12
EA turned PA with OW/ coworker for 2- 4 weeks
D day 4/20/13
TT 4/20/13 - 7/30/13
"R" 5/3/13

Posts: 191 | Registered: May 2013 | From: The mitten state
Gr8Lady
♀ 36307
Member # 36307
Default  Posted: 11:08 PM, July 21st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When you feel safe again, perhaps.
The life you once had, was traumatized by betrayal.
Unfortunately, each couple heals in different timeframe. Each must be all in, with every aspect or its back to 180. Your emotional needs must be met for you to feel secure, I don't care how much WS appears to be trying. Bottom line...you don't feel secure. If WS may say or think you should be over it....the answer is WS hasn't made you feel comfortable to be over it. If WS wants it to work the answer to how long will it take. Is one word. UNTIL


BS: Me (63yo)
FWH: HIM (65yo) serial infidelities over past 35 years
OW: Many, most recent 1/2 his age
DD: Multiple unconfirmed until 2012 when I presented evidence, plus LTA with his friends wife lasting 10 years. TT over past year
So done,

Posts: 628 | Registered: Jul 2012
crazyblindsided
♀ 35215
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 2:46 PM, July 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with the other poster. When you feel safe is probably when you won't be on high alert so much. I have just recently gotten to a point where my hypervigilence has slowed, but mostly because I have no desire to do it. I check his phone randomly and the gps and so far there has been nothing.

My own self-involvement (thanks 180) and doing things with friends helps take away that element of my WH being the "Only One" my world revolves around lol.

I don't think people get over the A. We get past it and heal somewhat. The hypervigilence should eventually go away or you will not care to look.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 2:47 PM, July 22nd (Monday)]


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
pewpewpew
♀ 38116
Member # 38116
Default  Posted: 5:00 PM, July 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

^^^^ ugh. YES. YES. YES.

I could have written this post. Word for word.

I also struggled with the fact WH lied for MONTHS to my face that he ended all contact with OW. In reality, they didn't. They just found new ways to deceive me and throw me off.

Now that I am a year out - I find myself talking less about the A, and checking up. I understand I cannot continue to be Mrs. PI, BUT be aware.

I KNOW the flags now. I know my WH isn't still involved with OW. But I still have these urges to check and verify. With time, I hope to start to trust WH again.


ME: 32
WH: 36
DDay: July 9, 2012

Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, pack your shit and get out.

Fool me once - Shame on you. Fool me twice - pack your shit and get out.


Posts: 310 | Registered: Jan 2013
Topic Posts: 13

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