OW, who still works in the same building as WH ( he states they do not have any contact) has gone on with her life unscathed as if the A never happened, & is apparently happy in a new relationship.
And here I am. Every time WH doesn't answer his cellphone, or is a few minutes late coming home,or I see him texting someone, the thought immediately enters my mind----could he be doing it again? I know this is not rational. He tells me he will never do it again, that he has learned from his mistake. But when he said his marriage vow to me, wasn't he promising that he would never forsake me , & yet those words obviously meant nothing. So, why should I believe him this time?
It's just that for 23 years I never doubted him, never thought twice about where he was-----I completely trusted him. There were things in our marriage that I was not happy about, but I put up with them because I thought that he was one of the few men who would never cheat. For 23 years, I felt like we had a rock solid foundation. Now, it still feels so shaky---that I will never have that security again.
[This message edited by mchercheur at 1:28 PM, July 20th (Saturday)]
My WH travels for his work. He is no longer working with OW, but he travels extensively. There are lots of dinners, social events, drinks, etc.. Not a flipping thing I can do about it.
I could walk away. I have thought about it. I have asked myself if I can live with it. When he started traveling again, I started to anxiety attacks. He tried his best and he does call etc.. but you know what? Nothing is going to help. I have let go. I have worked on me. I started to do things for me. I have to believe that I will be ok. I am not the same person I was back then. I am not as naive. I still have triggers and I am learning to deal with most of them on my own.
I think it does come down to a choice at some point. Hugs!
When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Viktor Frankl
"When you are happy, you can forgive a great deal."
I was the same way...pouring over phone bills, looking through emails. I was not rational and borderline bat shit crazy.
I never found anything, ever.I could turn the most innocent exchange into something...dig... and know the whole time that I was digging that I was nuts.
It is the worst feeling. It had gotten past the point of trusting him...I couldn't trust myself. I could see pink and wonder if it was blue...really.
But there comes a time when WE have to let go. Not trust blindly, ever again...but really, coming home a few minutes late from work is normal. Stopping at the store is normal. My H still will text me if running late or if he deviates from his schedule. I think at this point its habit...
I had to make the choice to stop looking. It was hard initially. I would get an idea and jump for my laptop I would use my normal brain (you have 2 brains right, the normal and the crazy?) and talk myself through why I didn't need to check, why I was being irrational. I forced myself to listen to my normal side, and it has been right.
Slowly, ever so slowly the urge goes away. It's really the breaking of a habit at this point (when you have a spouse doing whats needed to R)
I have no other answers, except for me, I had to make the decision to let go. You need to let trust move back in when it's deserved.
I'm just writing to say the rue of thumb is 2-5 years from the last hurt.
At the same time, the only way to stop being hypervigilant is to stop. Something's keeping you from doing that - if you figure out what it is, you may be able to free yourself.
There does come a point in your recovery that you have to stop talking about the affair all the time. This is just my opinion but I don't think you can move forward when you bring up the affair on a daily basis.
brokensmile322, yes, when he is gone for a few days, I start triggering like crazy----it is as if I am back in that time when he was never home ( & with her---I still don't know exactly how much). So, because we have already discussed this problem in MC, he calls me often when he is gone a lot.
It helps a little.
I would use my normal brain (you have 2 brains right, the normal and the crazy?) and talk myself through why I didn't need to check, why I was being irrational. I forced myself to listen to my normal side, and it has been right.
Slowly, ever so slowly the urge goes away. It's really the breaking of a habit at this point
sisoon, yes, something is keeping me from stopping---probably it is my OC/anxious personality type. & I guess I am rushing things---I am 2 yrs 2 1/2 mos post Dday, but the last hurt/lie(by omission---OW emailed him about a year ago, & he didn't tell me until I specifically asked, months later) was only a few months ago.
The hypervigilence is what I call being on red alert, when your always ready to defend yourself at all costs. You may feel paranoid or crazy but its a sign of post traumatic stress disorder.
Wow. Did any of you ever imagine that you would have to go thru this?
I will NEVER stop looking. Not again. Never again. No fucking way. Never.
[This message edited by DoneWithLove at 9:23 PM, July 21st (Sunday)]
friends wife lasting 10 years. TT over a
year a year. Now his health is declining,
among the lack of communication.
My own self-involvement (thanks 180) and doing things with friends helps take away that element of my WH being the "Only One" my world revolves around lol.
I don't think people get over the A. We get past it and heal somewhat. The hypervigilence should eventually go away or you will not care to look.
[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 2:47 PM, July 22nd (Monday)]
I could have written this post. Word for word.
I also struggled with the fact WH lied for MONTHS to my face that he ended all contact with OW. In reality, they didn't. They just found new ways to deceive me and throw me off.
Now that I am a year out - I find myself talking less about the A, and checking up. I understand I cannot continue to be Mrs. PI, BUT be aware.
I KNOW the flags now. I know my WH isn't still involved with OW. But I still have these urges to check and verify. With time, I hope to start to trust WH again.