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sunsetslost posted 7/20/2013 14:18 PM

I am a mid thirties man and one week ago I found out my wife of almost 8 years has been seeing somebody. We had been having quite a bit of marital stress. Jobs, inability to conceive. I knew things weren't great but I had no idea she was so unhappy. She has found some recent success in the community, some friends (who were co-conspirators in the cover up) and was bugging me to "loosen up" and have some fun with her group of friends. I am more of a home-body. I also have handled yard the finances, managed other home life aspects for the great bulk of our relationship. I just assumed that since she is approaching 40 years old she was just acting out to claim the last bit of her youth. My inability to see how deeply my apathy hurt her has been haunting me since. Don't get me wrong. While I take my share of the blame for not attending to her needs and contributing to the tension of the relationship, I take absolutely no responsibility for her actions. In fact, the two weeks after it happened and before she told me I had been making a sincere effort to change my attitude. We went out, we went shopping, we flirted, we were physical. In fact, we were at a party and had been really having fun when we got into a bit of a disagreement. She found me about 20 minutes later and told me.
Since that night she has not stayed at the house. She comes and goes and we are cordial but when I asked if she was going to him she said yes. We had one sit down meeting and nothing has changed. She in fact left in the middle of the night to go to him. She calls him "fun". The whole group, drinks all night, weed, rowdy parties (from what I have heard. I don't know the person but know of him).
I have had wild thoughts of tearful reconciliation but as this week has gone by I am out of hope. She won't say it's a "relationship" but says it's not just a fling. We are going to sit down in two days and I made it clear that I want to discuss our emotions and stressed that she needs to think about how she is feeling . She has promised to be there and I know she will. If for nothing else to tell me in so many words that she has moved on. She has promised to be cordial and polite, to help with the house cleaning and prepping as we make plans to sell. I also plan on telling her that I am aware of many of the things I know I've done wrong and I now know how hard it is to be in a marriage. I will never make those mistakes again, but I'm sure it's too late. I am comforted by the fact that I have a soft place to land. I have family on the beach and can live rent free for as long as I want. (this was also a key stress but more about that later). Any advice for the first real sit down after a week to digest it all?

Tripletrouble posted 7/20/2013 14:46 PM

So sorry you're here Sunset but you are in the right place for very good advice and understanding. Begin with the Healing Library, which is the yellow box in the upper left corner. It is full of excellent information.
Start by getting in with an individual counselor ASAP, and also it is wise to speak to an attorney ASAP.
Your wife is deep within what is known here as the fog. She is in a fantasy and is unable to understand logic and reason. Learn about the 180 in the healing library, and implement it immediately. It is the best way to throw the proverbial cold water in her face.
Lots of hugs to you, and make sure to eat properly and sleep if you can. Get to your doctor if you need help with anxiety and/or depression. You may also need std testing, as your wife may have been with him prior to what she has admitted. Expect lots of lying from her - it is standard behavior. All the best to you.

doggiediva posted 7/20/2013 15:27 PM

I love your username! I am a photographer who is obsessed with sunrises and sunsets..I just wanted to give you cyber hugs...I wanted to let you know that you need to take care of yourself in this mess..I feel that you have some resources..Don't let loose of them too early, please...It will take time to process this mess and take action....

sunsetslost posted 7/20/2013 15:43 PM

Thank you for the replies. I have some wonderful resources. The only silver lining so far is the outpouring of love and support from family and friends. I sort of regret telling the details to everybody in my circle but they are family and friends I had long before I even met her. If something changes they will welcome her back with open arms but I realize this may be a hurdle for her. She is in the "fog". I saw her today. She got here about 2pm, hung over, and poured herself a to go cup of bourbon , took her dog to the park. I still sometimes fantasize about the future but am moving on. I also know (thanks to this site) that my feelings will change 1000 times in the coming months. I'd like to think I have the ability to forgive but I don't know that about myself yet. I am seeing a therapist who specializes in this sort of thing on Monday. As far as a lawyer, we don't have kids and frankly there won't be that much to split up. As a show of trust toward her I didn't cut off credit cards or freeze the checking account and she has been responsible. In fact, she took the time to point out that she was being cautious.

I can't find the 180. Help?

Food and sleep have been an issue. I have been subsiding on Boost protein shakes and a few bites here and there. I am not an MD, but does anybody think it would be a good idea to recommend these shakes for new Just Found Out people? As a supplement of course.

Tripletrouble posted 7/20/2013 15:55 PM

About the 180.
Another bit of advice I did not like at all but is true - you don't have to make any decisions right away, and in fact you should give yourself 6 months before making any big or permanent decisions.

Skan posted 7/20/2013 17:25 PM

Hey there. I'm sorry that you had the reason to come here, but I'm really glad that you found us. You have two days to figure out exactly what you want and need if your marriage is to continue. You've come to a good place to get that done.

As well as reading The Healing Library, read the posts in this forum with the bulls-eye next to them. They contain very good information for you. Read the post on the 180 and start implementing it. The 180 is for you it allows you to gain some detachment so that you can make decisions that are best for you. And you need to be more than a bit selfish right now. Because she sure is and is glorying in it.

Listen, whatever the troubles, stresses, and problems in your marriage, YOU didn't choose to commit adultery. She chose to. Please note the word I used "chose." It was a choice, a decision that SHE made. It wasn't a mistake a mistake is when you put the milk in the kitchen cabinet and the glasses in the refrigerator. It was a decision, a choice. You had nothing to do with that choice, that decision and I'm glad that you realize that. Hold tight to that realization.

Please also go here This is the forum for betrayed men. It's the weekend and there aren't a lot of us here but these guys are always around and they have walked in your shoes. They can help you like no one else. I quite often wish that I was a guy so I could hang out there!

The last thing is, there are far, far worse things than divorce. Like sharing your wife with another man or men. Like staying up all night praying that she's alive because the bars close at 2am and it's now 4am. Like having her "friends" all come over to your house to party, while treating you like the hired help. So be definite in what you need and want and don't settle for anything less.

kansas1968 posted 7/20/2013 18:33 PM

You have gotten a lot of valuable advice here and I can't add much except to welcome you. We are all united by one thing, pain. It is indescribable, but everyone here understands exactly what you are going through. All of the circumstances are different, but the pain is always the same. Unbearable.

The reason for the attorney is to protect yourself and to also let her know that you are serious about a divorce. That you are not going to put up with her behavior, and if it continues, you are done.

Being or appearing weak or needy right now is the worst thing you can do. It will not work with someone in the fog, and in fact, will just push her further away. So, so, sorry for your pain. K

5454real posted 7/20/2013 20:16 PM

Hey brother, welcome.

You've been getting a lot of good advice so far. One thing I'd like to recommend that you go ahead and file for divorce. If things work out and she stops peering out of her navel at the world, you can put the process on hold. If in all likelihood she continues to have craniumrectuminsertus, the person who filed usually has the upper hand.

Yea, it's a shitty deal, infidelity sucks.

Keep all contact to e-mail and text only! No phone conversations. Every face to face, carry a voice activated recorder. The loving spouse you knew is gone. Expect the worst. Hopefully it doesn't come to that, but being prepared doesn't hurt.

Don't believe a word she says. Right now, the world she inhabits has rainbow farting unicorns and skittle shitting faeries. You need to continue being the grounded one.

I also plan on telling her that I am aware of many of the things I know I've done wrong and I now know how hard it is to be in a marriage. I will never make those mistakes again, but I'm sure it's too late.

Absolutely positively pretty, pretty please do NOT do this. You didn't cause this brother. No matter how shitty the marriage, infidelity is NOT a choice for those with morals and values.

Look, I understand you miss her, love her and need her. Right now, this very minute, you are the bad guy in her world. ANY sign of weakness or accepting responsibility for her CHOICE is going to be looked on by her as an affirmation that she is doing the right thing.

Read and implement the 180. Her choices are just that. Hers. the only person who you have control over is YOU!

You didn't cause this, no matter what she claims unless you held a gun to her head and forced her on his dick. It wasn't an accident either. Never heard of an open vagina landing on a stiff dick on accident. She CHOSE all of it. Accept responsibility for none of her choices.

Sorry you're here, glad you found us.


Tren0R201 posted 7/21/2013 05:48 AM

Firstly sorry that you are here.

I'll be as blunt as the previous poster and commend you for at least acknowledging that you did play a role in the neglection of marriage (I stress strongly you in no way contributed to her cheating!!) but so did she.

There has to be mutual respect when trying to solve the issues in your marriage. Seems to me you are respecting her, trying to do the right things and at least trying to be the bigger person by working on yourself.

But what she's doing is out of order and hurtful. This cannot work while she still chooses to go and see him anytime she wants. That is not working on a marriage. Either she's in a fog or detaching, either way it's no good for the marriage.

It is in your power to make it absolutely clear to move forward she must dedicate herself 100% to working on the marriage and that means no more OM. You also can't afford to wait while she works it out on her own..not if that means she's working it out in his bed.

hardtotake posted 7/21/2013 06:14 AM

Sorry about your situation sunset lost. Please listen to what 5454real said. Do not apologize for anything! Apply the 180 and take care of yourself.

wontdefineme posted 7/21/2013 06:18 AM

Cancel the credit cards, get your own checking account, empty the other of your half, keep all records. If she is moving on, protect the assets immediately so she can't take it all while you are wounded. If she wants out, let her feel what out feels like.

Sorry about this mess, my xh was emotionally distant but it didn't make me cheat.

TheClimb posted 7/21/2013 07:09 AM

As a show of trust toward her I didn't cut off credit cards or freeze the checking account and she has been responsible.

You don't need to prove that you trust her. She needs to earn your trust back. They do this as a way of controlling you. Your wife is now untrustworthy.

Don't buy that BS about you being boring. When they are having affairs something very tiny in their brain knows what they are doing is wrong. So they come up with these shortcomings in us as a way to suggest we deserved this treatment and they deserve to be happy. This infuriates me.

I will guarantee that the face to face will not go well, if she even shows up. It will be more blaming of you and everything "you" did wrong in the marriage. Up hers, I wouldn't even meet with her. We keep expecting them to do the right thing and I am here to tell you that until she snaps out of it, she will continue to be an ass. Someone here said it is like their bodies have been taken over.

Stop apologizing for being yourself. I too am more of a homebody and hate loud drinking parties. This is not something new with me, I have always been this way. I am guessing that you were this way when she married you. Now it is a big deal? Again, she is blaming her bad behavior on you.

You can't love them back. Since she continues to "date" while you two are married and refuses to let him go, you really have no choice. File the divorce papers, print out all your bank records that show your current balance, then take out half and open a new individual account. If you don't have an individual credit card, go online TODAY and get one. Then after you are approved, call your old credit card company and either close the joint account or see if they will agree to stop your liability for any future charges.

This sucks, it really, really does.

jb3199 posted 7/21/2013 07:41 AM

Sorry that you are here, brother.

It's odd: I never thought that all night drinking, smoking weed, and going to rowdy parties was the typical life of a person approaching forty. But I guess that is an opinion coming from another home-body.

You appear to have your head on pretty straight for someone who is this close to this discovery date. And while it appears that you want your wife back, you are at least being very realistic that this may never happen.

This site is about surviving infidelity---with or without your partner. And the one thing that we know for sure is that your priority has to be to take care of yourself. DO NOT tell your wife that you are going to make changes in your marriage to be more courteous to her needs. DO NOT ask for another chance. These are signs of weakness---one of the traits that are most repulsive to someone of your wife's current mindset. If you want to make these changes because you have been made aware to them...and you want to change...then do it---start making the changes. You do not have to broadcast them to her.

But do not make any changes that go against your normal belief system. Do not try to change who you really are just to make an impression on her.

You have your faults in the marriage, and I get that. But so does she. And she took the absolute worst route possible to address her selfish needs. And to make matters worse, she does not currently want to change. This is not your mess to fix.

You have to focus on you. If you have a sit-down with her, let her know point blank that you are still as of this moment willing to try to save the marriage if she is all invested. But that ship is setting sail, and you need to do what you need to move forward with your life. If she wants to be part of that, then at lease you have a starting point.

But is she isn't interested---which I am afraid is going to be her answer---then you have to start putting her in your rearview mirror.

Sorry, friend.

Abbondad posted 7/21/2013 09:21 AM

I also plan on telling her that I am aware of many of the things I know I've done wrong and I now know how hard it is to be in a marriage.

I am sorry about your situation, Sunsetslost. Much of it mirrored mine. WW turned 40, wanted to have "fun," I apparently was not fun--too busy doing EVERYTHING for our home and kids--so she felt entitled to find a similarly "fun" guy. (Uh, yeah, he's "fun"--he's a freaking bachelor with no kids.)

I assured her I would fix all my "flaws and faults," thus tacitly taking blame and condoning the destruction she brought to our family.

Of course wait as long as you need to.

But I waited for almost a year of hell, and she is still in her fog. We are now divorcing.

This is just me, but if I could do it all over again, I would have filed for divorce immediately. It might have snapped her out of the fog, but even if it did not, I would have spared myself a year of the most searing pain and humiliation I have ever known.

All the best.

sunsetslost posted 7/21/2013 14:48 PM

Thank you all for all of the support. I promise to pay it forward as time goes on. Don't get me wrong. I take no responsibility for her actions. I have a really healthy landing spot but it involves relocating and I know she doesn't want to leave town. That landing spot has an expiration date and I refuse to allow her to cost me my dream location AND my marriage. I'm moving forward for me. Not her.

happyman64 posted 7/24/2013 11:47 AM

Good post sunsetlost.

Keep moving forward.

Now go see an attorney, have divorce papers drawn up and have her served.

Do you even know where she resides now?

Show her the consequences for her actions and lies.

Even if you do not want to give up hope of R you must serve her, shock her to see if she is not too far gone.

Good Luck


bionicgal posted 7/25/2013 07:35 AM

Yikes. All of the substance abuse is going to make clearing the fog way harder. Self-care is #1 for right now. It is hard to pin any hopes on a spouse who has fallen so far out of orbit, but she may come around if you file. I am so sorry.

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