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I wasn't ready to be healthy yet

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rachelc posted 7/20/2013 18:19 PM

This is the reason my husband gave for having two affairs. I've sat with this for a while and wondered about it. I think one affair is at the very least, unhealthy. Another one, right after the first? Cruel. Even though its his to own, I got the shrapnel.

However, even when I was in my affair I knew right from wrong, even though I was unhealthy.

Thoughts?

blakesteele posted 7/20/2013 22:08 PM

Maybe their is real truth in this. It does sound mean and selfish to me...a BS...but truths don't have to be nice.

I look at my own journey...there very much is a time and a place for everything. There were times where I absolutely was not willing to budge an inch from my unhealthy spot, so I very much get what your husband is saying.

Take comfort in that he boldly told you this...I believe it shows a man doing the heavy lifting of facing his inner self.

During this journey my fWW has told me some hard to hear truths. Some of those truths have changed over time...like her feelings for and about her AP....but she spoke them in honest and open ways to me and they were emotional truths at that time.

Even at the time she confessed her truth to me I appreciated the honesty...still hurt to hear, but better then lies. NOW I look back on those conversations with admiration for my wife...it took real commitment to honesty to state what she stated.

My wife was not ready to work on healing early on...had given up on me and our marriage enough to commit to the truth of the moment that her AP was her true love....sometime during then and now she came to a similar spot as it appears your husband has gotten to.

Hang in there...this is a good sign...I believe it in my heart. Hey, my heart may be broken but it is whole enough for me to have 100% trust in it!

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 10:10 PM, July 20th (Saturday)]

AFrayedKnot posted 7/21/2013 05:20 AM

(((Rachelc)))

I got the exact same answer, "I wasn't ready". Absolutely and completely selfish but unfortunately accurate.

There were so many betrayals over the years, so many bottoms, so many consequences, so much harm and none of them were enough.

It doesn't matter how much pain is inflicted on those around them. It is only when their internal pain is enough do they become willing to change.

blakesteele posted 7/21/2013 05:57 AM

Wisdom spoken Chicho.

How many times is it posted here, written in books about affairs, mentioned by WS to BS, and detailed in counseling sessions that affairs and the decisions to have them are about the WS....nothing more? (I am here to tell you it took me months to accept this as fact.)

Their affair only came from them....so the only real, credible change to stop that (ending the affair, refrain from starting another) comes from them.

And the same goes for us BS...we become healthier through our own choices and our own internal motivations.

The interactions during this journey (being married) comes from supporting roles....and my wife and I are getting closer to this....and rachelc , your husbands statement tells me he is moving towards that...and your other posts tell me your internal workings are getting healthier too!

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 5:59 AM, July 21st (Sunday)]

sisoon posted 7/21/2013 07:48 AM

Well, you had a lot to deal with to become healthy yourself. IIRC, you have to deal with rape, attempted rape, and your own A. That's a lot of healing and change.

At the same time, this statement looks like an archetypal example of one finger pointing at you, 3 fingers pointing back at him.

RAs are about the cheater, not about the WS. As far as I can surmise, RAs aim at avoiding the pain of being betrayed. IMO, your H cheated because he wasn't ready to be healthy yet.

By the same token, your healing from betrayal is about you, not your H. You heal you; he heals him; together you heal your M - but healing yourself is an individual task. I think you're ahead of your H, so you can show him the way by healing - if he doesn't follow, well, at least you heal, and that's priceless.

rachelc posted 7/21/2013 10:21 AM

just to clarify - he said that about himself. He made the point that he did it again because he wasn't ready. I kind of forced the issue when I caught him and said I'd divorce him and he knew i would. wondering why I had to force this cataclysmic event and not him.

Then again, I didn't reveal the truth until I was raped and then had to go to him and say, um yeah, I slept with two guys, doesn't really matter how it happened. Then I started to get healthy.

yet, there are still consequences. the question I keep digging for and asking him - are you healthy now? I'm trying to circumvent my own capacity to be hurt again. And i'm not so sure this is time well spent. Probably normal after what I've been through... but still...

[This message edited by rachelc at 10:23 AM, July 21st (Sunday)]

sisoon posted 7/22/2013 11:41 AM

Ah, I see. His statement makes perfect sense to me, then. Obviously, I don't what his motivation was, but I think his statement is accurate.

I don't think being healthy is a requirement for R. What's needed is the willingness to get healthy. Getting healthy requires change, specifically giving up defenses/thoughts/beliefs that have been working for years. That takes work, and the work takes time. As an optimist, I'd say your H is showing a willingness to make the necessary changes. As your virtual friend, I sure hope he is, for your sake and his.

karmahappens posted 7/22/2013 11:45 AM

I don't think being healthy is a requirement for R. What's needed is the willingness to get healthy.

^^^ I agree. Growing and healing continue to be life-long goals. I don't think you can ever say you are "done"

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