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AlwaysBeenStrong posted 7/20/2013 23:18 PM

After a few months of stalking these forums, I finally decided to put my story out there. I am new to forums, I do not know the abbreviations for anything, so I will just go ahead.
I have been with my husband for 22 years and married for 17. I have 2 grown children 20 and 17. During the recession, he lost his job, went into a depression which I stuck through and helped him out and eventually he found a job. Once he found a job, I lost mine, unfortunately became ill with a few findings and a few surgeries, one being a hysterectomy and had complications from and was bed ridden for 6 months. During this time is when the "official" affair happened. He decided he wanted to separate and move on another 6 months after my recovery. He claimed there was another woman and needed the time to see what he wanted. Well a few months later he wanted to "work on our marriage". Well after 2 years of listening to lies (you live with someone for over 20 years, you can tell when they are lying)and supposedly he came clean about the whole truth 3 months ago. He has messed around with his boss and continued to lie to me to protect their jobs. Well since then, I have now caught him calling another woman and once again "it's nothing".
Since the actual confession 2 years ago, I have been trying to find myself and have reentered into schooling. Due to financial restrictions, I cannot leave and have no where to go until my schooling is done (2 more years). After this last call last weekend, I am hearing the same bs of wanting to work on us. Am I fool, is it possible to fix something this broken???

sadtoo posted 7/21/2013 00:08 AM

Welcome to SI.

Yes, it's possible. But you have to have a COMPLETELY remoreseful WS who is also being willingly transparent.

Sounds like you may be missing that ingredient.

[This message edited by sadtoo at 12:08 AM, July 21st (Sunday)]

Jrazz posted 7/21/2013 00:25 AM

You're no fool, ABS. You're a loving, considerate person caught up in a whirlwind of betrayal.

Considering this is something that he has been doing for a long long time, I think it's important to put protecting yourself first here - both emotionally and physically.

22 years is a lifetime - but YOUR life and the path you choose to take hereafter is your own. I know that even breathing is hard right now, but just take baby steps to get through each day. If he does not express the remorse or work required to be a good partner, you deserve to make the choice as to whether you want to fight for this or not.

The best advice anyone ever gave me is that you don't have to make any big decisions right now. You have time and options. You are strong and intelligent, even if you don't feel like it right now.

Lean on those of us who have been there. You are going to be ok. We're here for you.

(((AlwaysBeenStrong)))

[This message edited by Jrazz at 12:26 AM, July 21st (Sunday)]

AlwaysBeenStrong posted 7/21/2013 09:31 AM

@sadtoo I totally agree and have told him, his actions, lack of actions and lack of empathy speaks more to me in volumes than the words that spew from his lips. Due to funds and insurances issues, MC is not an option we can take at the moment.
@Jrazz thank you so much for your kind words, I keep telling him I don't know what will happen, that I am living day by day.
I have been a very strong person and have risen above all types of turmoils, I am a survivor of life. This has been the utmost challenge in my life and feel my strength withering away. I just don't know how much more bs I can take!

womaninflux posted 7/21/2013 16:42 PM

Very sorry to hear your story. I hope you can muster your inner strength to get you through this. You sound like a practical woman...I like that!

It's very hard to reconcile without a third party counselor. Is there a clergyperson you could call upon? Maybe a social worker/counselor graduate program in your area offers inexpensive counseling under the supervision of a teacher.

tushnurse posted 7/22/2013 09:13 AM

Sorry that you get to meet this group of wonderfulpeople. You will find much help and good advice here.

You say that you Have to stay for financial reasons. Have you seen an attorney? Do you in fact know this to be true? If not please go see one. So many people stay in situations like yours because they don't have a good understanding of things, and don't know that there are many ways to work out the financials.

Focus on you, read up on the 180. He is doing nothing to help you, and everything to destroy your M. You need to learn how to protect yourself.

Keep posting, keep asking questions. Know that you are safe here.

((((and strength))))

AlwaysBeenStrong posted 7/22/2013 11:16 AM

Thanks for the replies. During all the commotion of the lies and such, he promised me he would take care of me and let me focus all my attention to my schooling (not having to find a job), this is the one promise I will make him hold up to his side of the bargain. Considering he couldn't abide by the marriage promises. I have chosen to become a Nurse...considering all I know, is how to take care of people, as I was a stay home mother for most of the marriage. Despite everything that has been going on, I have maintained a 3.9, made the deans list and that has helped with the ease of the affair.
His insurance doesn't cover MC and we don't practice religion, (clergy/minister) everyone has their own beliefs, ya know.
I am not ready to seek a divorce attorney, until all schooling is complete (school loans acquired during the marriage he has to pay too)