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Last night in my house.

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h0peless posted 7/20/2013 23:31 PM

Or should I say, last night in our house. This is the final link. I finish moving and cleaning tomorrow, and the buyers are taking possession on Monday. I'm laying in bed now, absolutely exhausted, with both dogs laying next to me snoring and tomorrow is the last morning I will ever wake up here.

This is the house we bought right after I finished college, when I got my first teaching job. It wasn't everything I wanted and it was too expensive but she fell in love with it the moment she saw it so we bought it. A month later, Lehman collapsed and it lost more than a quarter of its value. If she hadn't run off with her new dad, we'd probably be living here for another decade. I guess one of the silver linings is that we were able to short sell and walk away from a bad investment.

I'm having mixed feelings right now, but mostly sad ones. I can still remember the sparkle in her eyes when we walked in with the real estate agent. I remember remodeling the kitchen, slowly but surely, until it looked like something from a magazine. I remember painting, decorating and making it our own. We were going to start a family here. Or so I thought.

I also remember the bad things. The criticism about not vacuuming around the floorboards well enough. Most of my favorite recipes being rejected. My inability to track down one of the leaks in the roof that was cited as one of the justifications of her infidelity.

I spent the months after Dday in this house wasting away, curled up in a ball watching Top Gear on Netflix and sobbing. For months she would come by, text, email, and call offering false hope for a future that was not to be. On other days, she would berate me and try to get me to leave, even though she was living with somebody else. I think she was just trying to be cruel.

Tomorrow night when I go to bed, I will have a roof over my head because of the hospitality of my brother and his fiance. I will be leaving behind my hopes and dreams, but I will also be leaving the painful memories of the life I thought I had.

Someday I hope to own another house, one that is mine and that nobody can take away from me. I don't know that I will ever allow myself to be romantically involved with anybody else ever again. The ending of my first love was just too painful. But a house, that I can handle.

numbandnauseous posted 7/20/2013 23:40 PM

Just wanted to let you know you have been heard, h0peless.

Your ex sounds cruel and I am sorry for the abuse she heaped on you. You did not deserve that.

It is good that you are grieving the loss of the wonderful life you thought you were going to have in that house. You are working through those feelings and that will help them go away.

I feel the pain in your post and also the wonderfulness of you - a great catch that someone will be blessed to be with someday...

I hope you are able to have some fun with your brother and his fiance tomorrow. Maybe you will feel like celebrating your new beginning?!

stronger08 posted 7/21/2013 03:03 AM

Sorry my man. I know the feeling all too well. Luckily my XWW started her shit before the housing collapse and I sold close to the top. Yet even after that I struggled financially. Not only was my XWW engaging in M infidelity. She also was cheating on me financially. Tens of thousands in CC and other debt. I even was stiffed with a shit load of IRS debt from her business that was supposed to be incorporated. Another lie that was told to me. But selling the house was an emotional time for me. While I was not living in it when it sold. I did have to make sure it was cleaned out and ready for the buyer. The day I took my last walk through I was alone for a couple hours afterwards in it. I walked around and remembered the good times. My children's rooms that were filled with joy and laughter. The living and dining rooms that hosted many a night of revelry. The deck, yard and pool that many a summertime fun was had by all. I too remembered the first day moving in. The place needed lots of work. But together we took on the projects big and small and made the place a really nice home. There was so much promise back then. I actually sat on the floor all alone and cried for about an hour on my last visit there. What once was a place of promise and memories was just another asset to be divided. It was truly a sad day for me.

But in retrospect it was also the last tangible asset that had to go. It finally set me free from what she had done to all of our lives. I wont lie it was not easy moving forward. But aside from the IRS bill that came after the sale. I was able to walk away debt free. The house that I broke my ass turning into a home was tainted anyway. She had entertained her OM there. So in my heart I knew it was best to sell it. It took me a few years to get back on my feet financially. But I was able to throw myself into my work and it paid off big for me. Promotions and raises soon followed. The tax man was paid off and I was able to get back on my feet. Thank god for my parents who put me up while this was going on. While I did feel like a complete dick sleeping on my parents couch for a couple years in middle age. They allowed me the opportunity to get my shit together. For that I was grateful. They passed soon afterwards and I really never had the chance to thank them properly.

I worked in the financial sector and while the rest of the world was falling apart I was able to actually prosper. I know it sounds weird but that's what happened. Amidst the layoffs and cut backs my career took off. I was in a position after the S/D to work long hours and weekends when I did not have my kids. It was a good distraction for me emotionally and financially. I was able to save big time. As I was still wounded from the infidelity I did not spend much and worked many hours. So saving was a natural by product. Last year at the age of 50 after a 32 year career I decided to retire. I could have stayed another 10 or 15 years and went out a very wealthy man. But I had enough to do it, and I did. I figured I wanted to enjoy my life while I still had some life left in me. I also left at the peak of my career and in good standing. So I had accomplished pretty much the most I could have. So I packed it in and started over.

I was able to buy a new car for cash. I also picked up a fixer upper in the mountains fairly cheap as well. No mortgage either. So that's what I've been doing for the last year. The house is now almost complete. I have done most of the work myself and the old place looks really good. But the best part is that its all mine. Around the same time my sister was also looking to buy a house in the city so I invested a 20% stake there as well. I have a place to stay rent free when I'm in the city and I have my place in the mountains also. I live on a modest income. But with no housing overhead it's doable. I just pay my taxes and utilities. And I have enough left over to enjoy my life. So as you can see there is light at the end of the tunnel. But you need to work at this. You need to get out there with a goal in mind and attain it. There is always a life to be had after D. You just have to want it enough. And you and only you can dictate how that life will be lived. Get out and enjoy it. Do the things you loved before getting M. Take up new hobbies, meet new people. Perhaps when your ready a special person will be waiting there as well. I wish you much peace and happiness.

Sad in AZ posted 7/21/2013 05:59 AM

I've been there too, with a slightly different outcome. When we were moving to Tucson, I wanted a small house on a large piece of property. The X wanted a large house in an HOA-controlled neighborhood. He took our furniture to put in storage and found his dream house. When I saw it, I wanted to look further, but he dug his heals in and would not consider anything else. The neighborhood turned out to be a nightmare (HOA bullies) and he regretted the purchase.

Fast forward to the A; when he refused to stop seeing the OW, I moved out and moved away. He had to buy out my interest in the house and is still stuck there.

I wish you the best of luck in your new beginning.

SBB posted 7/21/2013 06:37 AM


I cried a river of tears the last time I walked through that house to do a final check. I put my hand on every single surface and said goodbye to it.

I stood at the doorway for a good five minutes sobbing uncontrollably using the door to hold me up.

I loved that house even though it was my prison in many ways.

I went into labour both times in that house. We brought our babies home there, we had marked their growth on door frame in the kitchen. I had beautiful, blissful midnight kisses with my babies in those rooms. They had their first steps in there.

But I had also soaked all of the floors in tears, held myself up trying to breathe on every wall, laid on the floor in the foetal position trying to work out how I ended up in this shitty M whilst looking up at its beautiful 10ft decorated ceilings, fought back tears at every window, hid my shame under its beautiful slate roof.

I was lonely in that home the whole time I lived there. Desperately lonely.

I closed that door with a big, crashing bang, fell to my knees and wept some more.

I came to my new home and I felt clean. It felt clean. Unsullied. I have been incredibly sad in this home too but in that cleansing way, not in a crippling way.

I have built amazing, beautiful, fun memories in my new home. I have rebuilt myself and my little family.

When I move from here I will remember it fondly as my safe place, my cocoon. I will miss this place. I don't miss the old house. I'm only 1km down the road from it and I sometimes go the long way to avoid driving past it because I get that twisted up tense feeling in my belly when I see it.

I don't know that I will ever allow myself to be romantically involved with anybody else ever again. The ending of my first love was just too painful.


LadyQ posted 7/21/2013 09:25 AM

I hear your pain. I got "stuck" in the marital home. I say stuck, because I can't sell it for enough to pay closing costs and realtor fees. I try to remind myself that this place is just a house, but I wonder more often now if I wouldn't be better off dumping it and starting in a fresh space. Hang in there, hopeless, your new beggining awaits...

h0peless posted 7/21/2013 23:43 PM

Thanks for all of the support. I just finished getting everything out of the house, cleaning it for the new owners and I turned off the lights and locked the doors for the last time. I am exhausted and really emotional. It's tough to reflect on what has happened over the past year. I really loved her and would have done anything to grow old with her but I don't know if she ever really loved me and that breaks my heart. I don't know if she's capable of really loving someone else and that's difficult for me to wrap my head around.

I have faith that things will get better someday. Right now, though, I am really, really hurting.

[This message edited by h0peless at 11:43 PM, July 21st (Sunday)]

numbandnauseous posted 7/22/2013 00:59 AM

Hugs, h0peless. This is so hard. You are doing it, putting one foot in front of the other and moving forward.

They say here on SI that the love that someone gives is a reflection of the giver, not the receiver. You gave your love truly, she didn't.

Figure out in IC why you chose her (look into your FOO) so that you won't choose poorly again.

Grieve now so that you can move through this and get on with your new beginning! It is probably too early for this, but is there any chance you could plan a trip, take a class, join a group, i.e., plan something fun so you have something to look forward to?

OTOH, take as long as you need to grieve. If it gets to be too much, consider seeing a doctor for some ADs if you can't get out of this funk for a prolonged period of time. This is a significant trauma.

Praying for some rest and peace for you tonight, h0peless.


h0peless posted 7/22/2013 01:04 AM

I am planning a trip. I am going to Italy in December to visit my sister. I am really looking forward to it. Other than Mexico (which is a pretty common trip for someone who grew up in Tucson), the only international travel I've done was our honeymoon in the Dominican Republic. Fuck. That was supposed to kick off the rest of our lives, not just the next two years.

numbandnauseous posted 7/22/2013 08:08 AM

h0peless, that is fantastic! Italy is an amazing place and you will have the experience of a lifeitme!

What cities are you going to? That is great that you have your sister over there; she will be able to give you the inside scoop on what to do, see, etc.

Hope you are feeling a little better today.


h0peless posted 7/22/2013 08:29 AM

I don't know exactly where I am going. She and her husband are actually moving out there this week. He is stationed on a UN base near Ferrara, which is where they will be living. It should be fun.

I think I'll be OK today. I didn't sleep very well but that's OK.

why2008 posted 7/22/2013 12:44 PM

Think of moving out and getting a fresh start like you have already pointed out, you are leaving a ton of painful memories behind.

She and her husband are actually moving out there this week. He is stationed on a UN base near Ferrara, which is where they will be living. It should be fun.

It will be "fun" when her H goes off of work and she starts cheating on him with someone else on the base.

h0peless posted 7/22/2013 13:06 PM

It will be "fun" when her H goes off of work and she starts cheating on him with someone else on the base.

I was actually referring to my sister and her husband there, not my ex and her new dad. I certainly hope my little sister is a better person than that. My BIL was a BH in his previous marriage and has helped me tremendously, as his ex read from the same script as mine.

[This message edited by h0peless at 2:28 PM, July 22nd (Monday)]

numbandnauseous posted 7/22/2013 23:44 PM

It sounds like you have a lot of support and some good times to look forward to.

How did your day go?

h0peless posted 7/23/2013 08:53 AM

Yesterday I broke up three dog fights (the two males are OK but the three females who are now living here are trying to figure out the pecking order), drove an extra half hour to get to work, helped my brother's fiance cook dinner, went to bed early and woke up feeling refreshed. I am going to be OK.

Ashland13 posted 7/23/2013 09:00 AM

Hi Hopeless and Others,

I, too, share your pain in relocation and starting over.

I have often said that I wish he could have simply cheated but left our lives alone-he killed our marriage so that had to change, but could he not have left us living in the house we built and let our daughter continue on in her school system, for now I have these tears to dry as well as the abandonment and pregnancy issues.

I feel a parallel pain, hopeless and hope that as you find somewhere new to land, it will ebb more than it flows, for this is the advice that I am constantly given-that those of us who tried to maintain sameness may actually take longer to heal because so much is the same.

Yet no one knows what is in our hearts and though our debt was high, nearly ExH will not even consider changing the bills so we could stay-I would even "share" it-but I suspect Ow is behind a lot of it and wants his new income for herself.

I wish you luck and am glad you have the support of those relatives.

why2008 posted 7/23/2013 10:20 AM

OMG!!!!! I am so sorry, I must have read your post too fast!

I certainly didn't mean to disparage your sister. Geez, what a mistake, like your not feeling bad enough and now I imply your sister is a tramp!

h0peless posted 7/23/2013 10:47 AM

Don't worry about it. I quickly realized you were talking about my ex and appreciated the support. :-)

numbandnauseous posted 7/23/2013 10:58 AM

glad you got a good night's sleep, h0peless! We all know how precious that is after you are hit with the shitstorm of infidelity....

Hope you have another good day today. You are sounding strong.

ETA: To the sweet apology about your sister being a tramp. I have to admit I was taken aback at the accusation!

[This message edited by numbandnauseous at 10:59 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday)]

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