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So I was wondering what to do. My wife and I are about 4 months post d day. We are still together but I can see the pain that she is living with everyday. It's killing me, yes I know why she's in pain and yes I know why it's killing me. Having said that, I find myself no longer knowing what to say or do. And I feel like if I don't figure out what do fast it's over. I know it's a long road and I know I can do this but I don't know how to talk to her anymore and we used to talk all the time. I literally think about this all the time I miss exits while driving because I am thinking about it. I know this is a bit vague but anything you guys have done to " break the ice" so to speak might be helpful.

Have you asked her what she needs? Have you told her everything with no lies?

Show her with your actions by having complete transparency and willingness to do what she needs you to do. Talk to her about how she's feeling and answer all her questions truthfully.

When the two of you have quiet moments tell her what you told us, that you don't know what to say but you love her and want to fix what you broke.

Are you in IC?

Why is it killing you? Just curious.

Instead of just thinking about it, when you're around her, talk about it. That kind of conversation isn't always coherent, but sharing it is a good thing, and also, your BW might pick up on something that could steer the conversation in a direction that you hadn't thought of yet, which in turn could lead to new things for you.

As hard as it is, keep talking.

Yes I have told her this probably a couple times. Problems start when she starts getting more angry with me she will shoot questions at me that I either can't answer or she doesn't believe the answer too. When this happens she gets so mad that she says some horrible things that hurt me a lot. I understand and I think she is justified to be angry with me, but when she says those things I shut up so I don't fight back. To answer the other question of why its killing me, that's easy.....I love her.... more than anything I was supposed to take care of her, protect her and adore her forever and I destroyed her instead! So watching her go from the person she was to the person she is now because of me is killing me! And now I find myself absolutely consumed with trying to get her, herself back again.....I rarely think if anything else!

I find myself absolutely consumed with trying to get her, herself back again

I think this will be her job. You can help by being honest, telling her everything she needs to know, doing what she needs you to do to help her feel safe, and working on yourself.

As you dig within yourself to find your whys and fix them she will feel safer and hopefully be able to begin her healing.