SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

Tear posted 7/21/2013 02:46 AM

is this a mistake? planned on having second child and did it in the time frame i have been planning for years. but is seven months since d day too soon??? i don't want to think of my pregnancy as a mistake but was i nieve into thinking things would be ok? we are working hard on our relationship and h has made changes to help us get through this and get along better......thoughts please!!!!!

musiclovingmom posted 7/21/2013 07:43 AM

I found out I was pregnant the day before DDay. It added another layer of difficulty to our healing, but also another layer of depth. Don't let the baby be an excuse to forget about your healing and make sure you have a plan for taking care of you and your kiddos if things should go badly. But, it can be done. We are 11 months with a 3 month old newborn and doing well. Congrats on your precious new blessing.

Althea posted 7/21/2013 11:34 AM

(((Tear))) I ended up pregnant at about 7 months out too. It was a freak accident and the result of HB. I had so many mixed emotions, and none of them were happy. Baby is due late next month and here is what I have learned:

1. Baby can add a sense of urgency and importance to R that can be beneficial. For example, we both realized that we needed to get healthy NOW, not just continue on. We got into IC, MC and read, read, read and talked ALOT.

2. Do not expect that this baby will magically fix anything. Rather expect it to add a whole new layer of stress to an already damaged marriage and prepare accordingly.

3. You know the rollercoaster you are on? Add hormones to it. It is hard, and you both need to be prepared for that.

I agree that pregnancy can add a depth to the healing process, and we are at a very good place a year out from Dday.

The man my WH is becoming is so much more helpful and involved in the pregnancy than the man he was before dray; but this didn't happen magically. We have both worked very hard.

Good luck.

watchtheskyy posted 7/21/2013 19:52 PM

Hi, I became pregnant 3 months out and had just had a baby between DDay 1 and 2.

It wasn't easy and and no way did it help or fix our marriage. I did not want the baby...she made me feel stuck in a marriage I wasn't sure I wanted.Well she's here now and she is the most precious, sweet little curly haired blessing :-) She's a mama's girl and everyone that meets her falls in love, I feel like she's my little Angel. I don't know how she came out such a happy baby with all I went through but she's smiles so big with her two little bottom teeth showing

Marriage still isn't going so great but I just told my WH today that she is the sweetest thing he's ever given me. I don't believe your baby is a mistake, she will be loved by everyone just as much as if none of the A stuff ever happened, maybe even more because she/he will be your little angel too!

Tear posted 7/22/2013 01:32 AM

thank you for words of.honesty and encouragement......love that u look your little.one as ur little angel .

FR2012 posted 7/23/2013 22:24 PM

WS here:

Our D-Day was in April of 2012 and I got pregnant in July of 2012. We had talked about having another baby for some time but this pregnancy was not planned. After my A and everything surrounding it, we agreed to wait to have another baby.

We just had our baby in April of this year. I am glad he is here but I do wish that he came on better terms. But nonetheless, he is here and we are making it work with a baby around. It hasn't really impeded on our healing at all. We are still working on communication and getting better.

I agree with musiclovingmom

Don't let the baby be an excuse to forget about your healing

Add hormones to it. It is hard, and you both need to be prepared for that.

Admittedly, my husband says that I wasn't that bad with my emotions and feelings while I was pregnant. I didn't want to use being pregnant as an excuse to give attitude to my husband or mistreat him. He told me that it was okay the times I had off days because I was pregnant. But I hated using that as an excuse.

Honestly, if you think you are ready for a baby to come into the picture then do so. Talk about it with your spouse and figure it out from there. See how things go and how you are in your healing process. Don't rush things. Just do them as you feel you are ready to handle them.

But as stated above, don't let the baby be an excuse to forget about your healing.

thebirdcage posted 7/23/2013 22:50 PM

I wish I had 7 months! I got pregnant one ... Yes one month after dday and two months after my son was stillborn. Stressful doesn't begin to describe. We decided on R before I got pregnant, so at least we were both on the same page about that. I want this baby more than anything but there is a lot of fear associated with this pregnancy, most of it is fear of getting excited because of my previous loss. But I am also afraid he will cheat again and ill be forever connected to him. I've made a plan B, in case we don't work and have talked with my support system about that option. I must say this though- the pregnancy has brought us closer. It's another reason to fight for us and he has been great in this R.

Trust me, I know all the mixed emotions. But I'll share something my mom told me. This baby deserves the excitement and happiness I had with my frist pregnancy. The baby is innocent. It's easier said than done and I always get a little upset when people who haven't been through all this make it seem so easy "just don't stress" ... Well um... Yeah ok... I just won't stress about my high risk pregnancy and my broken relationship... And all the other things that have crumbled as well ( loosing job, contracting an uncurable std from his A, dad having a terminal illness, dog getting sick... Etc)

You aren't alone. Hang in there. Read books. Take 5 minutes to look at the sky. Talk out loud to your baby, even if its saying you're scared, eat something that makes you smile. You will gt through this. This situation is only temporary. I repeat that to myself all the time "this is temporary and too will pass". Sending lots of love and prayers.

Tear posted 7/24/2013 01:15 AM

thank you

JanaGreen posted 7/24/2013 07:48 AM

Congratulations and good luck!

doesitgetbetter posted 7/24/2013 10:43 AM

This is a post from you on another thread today:

seven months out and it is almost brought up.daily.....mostly my part--- and usually it is some smart comment and a dig at him. i know we should move on and i need to stop but i am still hurting so much...guess it helps numb the pain. i feel u need to do whatever will help u heal and bring u comfort. for me i wish i could push it out but i can't. hopefully one day soon i can but for now do what feels right to you.

Would you advise a man who's wife is this hurt and angry to get her pregnant during all of that? I guess if you're already pregnant (not clear by your post) then it's too late anyway so why ask. But if you're not, then think about the advice you would give a friend who's spouse was still this hurt and angry. Probably not the right environment to bring a child into, but I've always been of the camp that none of the WS's/BS's should consider babies until they've been in R for at least 2 years for many reasons.

guarded posted 7/26/2013 21:18 PM

Congratulations on your pregnancy. Maybe he/she wasn't planned but this baby was a gift to you and nobody is an accident.

Is the timing right? Hell no! Are there any guarantees R will work? Definitely not. But he/she has a purpose on this earth and yours is to be that baby's parent. Remember that this child is a gift. Maybe it is a tool given to help heal and bring you closer. Maybe it is a coming to replace the WS love if it doesn't survive. And maybe this baby just needs you. Regardless, just accept this miracle and let it bring you joy.

God, even Jesus wasn't planned and Mary was pregnant before her wedding. Imagine what everyone else thought....! It will all work out for you in the end in the way it is supposed to.

Hrtbrken1 posted 7/26/2013 22:11 PM

Tear, I became pregnant 5 months after DDay. FWH and I had talked about having a 3rd, but yes, the timing could have been better. It was difficult, I too felt trapped, but I also kept up with IC, talking to my OB (I told him everything), and taking my meds. I can't imagine life without her now. Just keep working at it, and make sure you have a solid "team" mindset. You're both in this together.

And congratulations. After so much pain, they are little blessings

doesitgetbetter posted 7/26/2013 23:30 PM

Slight t/j

God, even Jesus wasn't planned and Mary was pregnant before her wedding

Really? Since there's a "no religion" rule, I can't comment... I can just shake my head.