Forum Archives

Return to Forum List

Should I keep staying or just leave

You are not logged in. Login here or register.

LIGHTCHASER posted 7/21/2013 09:50 AM

In the middle of April my husband confessed that he loved another woman. He doesn't find me attractive anymore. In fact, we have never had a good sexual life. There has always been something missing so he is unhappy in the M and even if he ends this A he will establish other As with other women. We have been married for 9 years and have twins: a girl and a boy at the age of 3,5. At first, he had been seriously considering divorce and I wanted to convince him that despite being an excellent feeling,love is an illusion and it eventually ends. I didn't want to raise my children without their father so I have gone out of my way to win my husband back. However, he abused all my good intentions and refused to end his relationship. He constantly asked me to go to our home country with the kids and live there until he wants us to come back. I totally rejected this idea and continued to live in the same house with my abusive H. He hated me for doing that and he still does. The OW understood that I wouldn't file for a divorce and started to put a lot of pressure on him to make him file for a divorce. That had a negative effect on my H who hates being controlled and decided to leave OW but he couldn't finish the A. completely. After the initial shock I was able to get used to the idea of divorce and its consequences so I clearly told my husband that if he doesn't end the A I will have to divorce him. This is when he actually started treating me with respect. He promised to end the A and I think he did but he doesn't show any affection to me. He is emotionally unavailable. He treats me as if I were the babysitter of his kids. He tells that he definitelly doesn't want a divorce but he doesn't want to do anything to restore our marriage,either. A few days ago I discovered that he is trying to establish friendships with other women. He has arranged meetings with two different women in the same day one in the morning and the other in the afternoon. This made me lunatic and I thought he has already started doing what he had told me previously: finding other women even if he finishes this A. Until that time, for about 3 months , I kept his A secret but having read the posts about the importance of exposure and his consistent emotional abuse I decided to expose. I called his boss and we decided to meet the other day in the morning to talk but when he discovered that I called his boss when he checked my phone records he got panicked. He locked me home and tried to avoid this meeting and he was so agressive that he even hit me. After the physical abuse, I somehow managed to escaped from home and went to his boss's home and told everything. His boss called him and invited him to talk the issue and they did. Later we came home together with my H. and since then I have been giving him 180.However, it is very difficult with 2 kids at the age of 3,5 and I have been considering what my H want me to do: going back to our home country with the kids but I don't know whether it is a good idea or not. I could use your valuable advice.

Blobette posted 7/21/2013 10:13 AM

This man sounds horrible and (IMO) you should definitely divorce him. There is nothing to save here. He is treating you terribly and has no respect. Abuse and locking you in at home? This is way, way out of line.

But in terms of the practical stuff... are the kids US citizens? Where will your legal situation be better, here or at home? Where do you have a support system, here or at home? If you stay here, and he returns home, will he be required to pay you child support? You need to meet with a lawyer and figure out your situation.

I'm no expert in any of this, and I hope that more experienced people will be here soon to guide you. So sorry you're in this situation.

LearningToFly posted 7/21/2013 12:15 PM

Your husband is abusive and dangerous. Please call a local Women's Shelter and ask for help. Going back to your home country may or may not be good. What is the status of women in your home country? Would you have any rights? Would he be able to take custody of your children if you did that? He doesn't sound like a safe father either. I'm sorry you are going through this.

Ashland13 posted 7/21/2013 12:43 PM

I'm sorry, LightChaser.

It doesn't sound safe for your and your children with this man, in the first place.

And I'm sorry to say that if he's doig this with other women, it's also not safe for a few reasons. If you are ever "with" him again, there are STD's to consider that spread like wildfire and can also reach children. There is also the stranger issue, which is a trigger for me with our daughter. This is thinking that I don't know if he will ever try to have our daughter meet OW, but he has brought some of her people here and that scares me.

Then there is the total disrespect to you and your marriage and... life. I had to be hit almost with a baseball bat on the head because I wanted desparately to hang on to marriage like you and was not given any information from ExH, that this is not what he wanted.

I think I get the gyst of what you were trying to tell your Wh about love and commend you for trying to take on such a difficult topic with him.

I think there are ways to stay in the country with your children and be on your own, if you wanted, it just takes searching. I agree with the post about the women's shelter and they may be able to help in other ways. Our state also has social services that take a while to work with, but can really be helpful, especially to women in situations like yours.

Just one last thought in my long post: have you thought to contact the police where you live to tell them of your husaband and yourself being hurt and locked away? That scares me for you and your children, as I said earlier, I think. It may be in your interest and theirs to have the police aware of your husband's behavior, just in case.
I hope you will be all right, Light Chaser.

brkn_heartd posted 7/21/2013 13:12 PM

First off, I am sorry you are here. There is a lot of good support and wisdom on this site.

Your husband sounds dangerous if he will go to the extent of locking you up and hitting you. That demonstrates extreme behavior. I agree with an earlier suggestion that you should consider contacting women's shelter. In contacting, you do not have to "do" anything, but they can help equip you with knowledge.

Your situation sounds dire with his actions and reactions. You cannot make the M work if he doesn't want it to. The 180 is the best approach and helps YOU figure things out. It is not a punishment for him, but a healing space for you.

You do not necessarily have to return to your home country. Investigate the options to stay where you are if you want to.

right now, take care of yourself and your babies!

Bobbi_sue posted 7/21/2013 14:00 PM

Should I keep staying or just leave

Leave. There is absolutely nothing to stay for.

But I do disagree with your idea that:

I wanted to convince him that despite being an excellent feeling,love is an illusion and it eventually ends.

I have been married to my H for 18 years. While we also had some difficult times in our M, we still have love and passion in our M. It is possible, but I don't believe you will ever get that back with your H because of the way he is.

LIGHTCHASER posted 7/21/2013 15:05 PM

Thank you so much all your support and good advice. When I read your comments, I have noticed that I missed out some important information in my previous message.

First of all, my WH claims that he has never had sex with the OW and that's why he thinks that he didn't cheat on me and there is no reason for him to apoligise to me or for me to be so upset. I can never be sure whether he is telling the truth or not but to me emotional infidelity is as bad as the PA. Maybe the only positive side is not being at the risk of transmitted with STD. Of course if it is true!

The other women he contacted are now at the stage of just friends.In fact, it was their first time meeting because in the messages they ask each other questions like "How will I recognize you, how tall are you etc." but this is how usually affairs start.

Another point is that he is normally not a violent man. On the contrary, he is too calm when he needs to show anger. I guess it is called "Passive Agressive" in literature. This was the first time he used physical abuse in our M. and he only hit me on the shoulder twice so right now I have a slight bruise there. However, I am not defending this kind of abusive behavior and I am very serious about if he ever touches me again to hurt, I will definitelly go to the police no matter how slight I get hurt.

If I take the kids and go to my home country to apply for a divorce, he may use this against me to take the custody of the kids. In my country the person who leaves the house is usually the one to be blamed. And if a female with kids asks for a divorce without very strong reasons and evidence for infidelity despite her husband's desire to continue with this marriage, she is regarded as a bad woman who doesn't care about her M and the welfare of the kids and it is very likely that the man gets the custody of children.

Now I am thinking to ask him to sign a legal document for me stating that my children and I left the country that he needs to stay because of his work with his knowledge and desire and later he cannot use this against me if I file a divorce.

Thank you so much again.

LIGHTCHASER posted 7/21/2013 15:31 PM

Let me make myself clear about the sentence that I wrote in the first message " Love is a great feeling but it is an illusion which eventually ends". Here what I meant by "love" was not the real love which comes after getting to know someone and sharing so many things together. I was talking about that very strong uncontrollable atraction to someone which makes us see things differently than they normally are. I also believe that the real love does not end just with time. I can confess that I still love my WH despite the fact that he has made me go through this awful experience and I would still try to restore my marriage if he were willing to do that.

Another question was which country is better for me to stay. Right now my WH has a perfect high-paid job here but I am unemployed but in my own country I teach at one of the best prestigious universities and I am at a leave of absence due to family reasons so I can return to my work whenever I want by simply writing a petition. However, in spite of having a prestigious and decent job, it is still very hard for me to take care of two kids without receiving financial support from their dad. By the way, I sold our family car before coming here and gave all the money to my WH to buy us a car here and now he says that we had to spend all that money to establish a house here, buy furniture etc. but it is almost impossible to spend such a big amount of money when you already earn a lot from your job unless you gamble or do something as stupid. My WH doesn't have the habit of gambling but he can't give me the account of for what we spent 18500 dolars. I insisted that I want at least half of that money before I leave this country to rebuild a life for me and my children there but of course he won't give me anything.

Ladyogilvy posted 7/21/2013 17:15 PM

He is a lying ,controlling, manipulative, abusive jerk. I would not trust anything he says or does. I would do everything to protect yourself and your children. There is no reason to stay married but moving back to your country sounds like a possible trap. Please call abused women's services and ask them to help you get legal advice.

[This message edited by Ladyogilvy at 5:16 PM, July 21st (Sunday)]

tushnurse posted 7/22/2013 09:08 AM

You need to get your rear end to an attorney NOW. This guy is trying his best to manipulate you, and isolate you. This is unacceptable. When you see the lawyer they will be able to help you understand how things work here, and hopefully put you in touch with someone who can clearly outline how things would go in your homeland. So that you can make an informed decision on how to move forward.

You need to get STD tested. He says it wasn't physical, but as you know liars lie. Protect yourself and your kids as much as possible, and if he even hints that he is going to get physical get out. Take your babies and go. Now while things are calm and quiet find out where the battered womens shelters are, so you have a plan if he snaps again. It sounds like his bad behavior is escallating and only a matter of time before you have to deal with the physical stuff again.

((((and strength))))

LIGHTCHASER posted 7/22/2013 14:03 PM

Thank you so much Pals. I already feel much better with your support. I have contacted an atorney in my home country and he suggested that I should gather as much evidence as I can to get the custody of the kids and a good compensation. I will also get tested for STD as you have recommended. The attorney also advised that I go to the psychiatrist and get a report that shows I am in deep depression because of my WH.I agree with all your comments. He acts like a total jerk.

1Faith posted 7/22/2013 14:20 PM

I am not sure what country you are in but you need to get to an attorney and get to a safe place.

Two things you must hear: It is NEVER okay to hit a woman and it is NEVER okay to cheat. Zero excuse. Zero.

I didn't want to raise my children without their father

If their father is physically and mentally abusing their mother you need to run for the hills. This is not an environment to raise children. Plus he is morally bankrupt. He continues to blatantly have affairs and has shown you not an ounce of remorse or respect.

I have gone out of my way to win my husband back

(((gently))) What is there to win back? You win by getting away from this self centered, selfish man if that is going back home that is fine, especially if you have family support there but don't go back and wait until he decides what he wants. Don't allow yourself to be an option. If you go back, go back with divorce papers in hand.

You and your children deserve better.

Good luck. Stay strong.

[This message edited by 1Faith at 2:21 PM, July 22nd (Monday)]

kiki1 posted 7/22/2013 14:31 PM


LIGHTCHASER posted 7/23/2013 19:25 PM

Thank you so much indeed. I have been giving him 180 and he is chasing after me to talk. I said that I didn't want to talk to him or even see his face. When I feel like talking I will ask him to sign a paper for me indicating that I go to my home country with his willingness and knowledge so that I can go with my kids and later he can't use this act against me. I want to go now but first I need to collect some evidence for his infidelity. Thank you all.

callmecrazy posted 7/24/2013 08:24 AM

I think if your family is in your homecountry you should go. But dont go and wait for him to decide you are an option. YOU ARE SPECIAL, YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL AND YOU HAVE CHILDERN WHO DESERVE TO SEE YOU HAPPY. I get staying through the fog of an ongoing A, I get staying for the kids, but to be asked to go wait. This man is awful. Any man who not only turns his back on his wife, but his children too is not capable of love. IMO

I wish you the best in whatever you decide.

Return to Forum List

© 2002-2018 ®. All Rights Reserved.