But in terms of the practical stuff... are the kids US citizens? Where will your legal situation be better, here or at home? Where do you have a support system, here or at home? If you stay here, and he returns home, will he be required to pay you child support? You need to meet with a lawyer and figure out your situation.
I'm no expert in any of this, and I hope that more experienced people will be here soon to guide you. So sorry you're in this situation.
It doesn't sound safe for your and your children with this man, in the first place.
And I'm sorry to say that if he's doig this with other women, it's also not safe for a few reasons. If you are ever "with" him again, there are STD's to consider that spread like wildfire and can also reach children. There is also the stranger issue, which is a trigger for me with our daughter. This is thinking that I don't know if he will ever try to have our daughter meet OW, but he has brought some of her people here and that scares me.
Then there is the total disrespect to you and your marriage and... life. I had to be hit almost with a baseball bat on the head because I wanted desparately to hang on to marriage like you and was not given any information from ExH, that this is not what he wanted.
I think I get the gyst of what you were trying to tell your Wh about love and commend you for trying to take on such a difficult topic with him.
I think there are ways to stay in the country with your children and be on your own, if you wanted, it just takes searching. I agree with the post about the women's shelter and they may be able to help in other ways. Our state also has social services that take a while to work with, but can really be helpful, especially to women in situations like yours.
Just one last thought in my long post: have you thought to contact the police where you live to tell them of your husaband and yourself being hurt and locked away? That scares me for you and your children, as I said earlier, I think. It may be in your interest and theirs to have the police aware of your husband's behavior, just in case.
I hope you will be all right, Light Chaser.
You gave me nothing and now it's all I've got - Bono
A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess
Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.
Your husband sounds dangerous if he will go to the extent of locking you up and hitting you. That demonstrates extreme behavior. I agree with an earlier suggestion that you should consider contacting women's shelter. In contacting, you do not have to "do" anything, but they can help equip you with knowledge.
Your situation sounds dire with his actions and reactions. You cannot make the M work if he doesn't want it to. The 180 is the best approach and helps YOU figure things out. It is not a punishment for him, but a healing space for you.
You do not necessarily have to return to your home country. Investigate the options to stay where you are if you want to.
right now, take care of yourself and your babies!
Should I keep staying or just leave
But I do disagree with your idea that:
I wanted to convince him that despite being an excellent feeling,love is an illusion and it eventually ends.
I have been married to my H for 18 years. While we also had some difficult times in our M, we still have love and passion in our M. It is possible, but I don't believe you will ever get that back with your H because of the way he is.
The other women he contacted are now at the stage of just friends.In fact, it was their first time meeting because in the messages they ask each other questions like "How will I recognize you, how tall are you etc." but this is how usually affairs start.
Another point is that he is normally not a violent man. On the contrary, he is too calm when he needs to show anger. I guess it is called "Passive Agressive" in literature. This was the first time he used physical abuse in our M. and he only hit me on the shoulder twice so right now I have a slight bruise there. However, I am not defending this kind of abusive behavior and I am very serious about if he ever touches me again to hurt, I will definitelly go to the police no matter how slight I get hurt.
If I take the kids and go to my home country to apply for a divorce, he may use this against me to take the custody of the kids. In my country the person who leaves the house is usually the one to be blamed. And if a female with kids asks for a divorce without very strong reasons and evidence for infidelity despite her husband's desire to continue with this marriage, she is regarded as a bad woman who doesn't care about her M and the welfare of the kids and it is very likely that the man gets the custody of children.
Now I am thinking to ask him to sign a legal document for me stating that my children and I left the country that he needs to stay because of his work with his knowledge and desire and later he cannot use this against me if I file a divorce.
Thank you so much again.
Another question was which country is better for me to stay. Right now my WH has a perfect high-paid job here but I am unemployed but in my own country I teach at one of the best prestigious universities and I am at a leave of absence due to family reasons so I can return to my work whenever I want by simply writing a petition. However, in spite of having a prestigious and decent job, it is still very hard for me to take care of two kids without receiving financial support from their dad. By the way, I sold our family car before coming here and gave all the money to my WH to buy us a car here and now he says that we had to spend all that money to establish a house here, buy furniture etc. but it is almost impossible to spend such a big amount of money when you already earn a lot from your job unless you gamble or do something as stupid. My WH doesn't have the habit of gambling but he can't give me the account of for what we spent 18500 dolars. I insisted that I want at least half of that money before I leave this country to rebuild a life for me and my children there but of course he won't give me anything.
[This message edited by Ladyogilvy at 5:16 PM, July 21st (Sunday)]
You need to get STD tested. He says it wasn't physical, but as you know liars lie. Protect yourself and your kids as much as possible, and if he even hints that he is going to get physical get out. Take your babies and go. Now while things are calm and quiet find out where the battered womens shelters are, so you have a plan if he snaps again. It sounds like his bad behavior is escallating and only a matter of time before you have to deal with the physical stuff again.
Two things you must hear: It is NEVER okay to hit a woman and it is NEVER okay to cheat. Zero excuse. Zero.
I didn't want to raise my children without their father
If their father is physically and mentally abusing their mother you need to run for the hills. This is not an environment to raise children. Plus he is morally bankrupt. He continues to blatantly have affairs and has shown you not an ounce of remorse or respect.
I have gone out of my way to win my husband back
(((gently))) What is there to win back? You win by getting away from this self centered, selfish man if that is going back home that is fine, especially if you have family support there but don't go back and wait until he decides what he wants. Don't allow yourself to be an option. If you go back, go back with divorce papers in hand.
You and your children deserve better.
Good luck. Stay strong.
[This message edited by 1Faith at 2:21 PM, July 22nd (Monday)]
I wish you the best in whatever you decide.