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Bad awful day

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phoenixrivers posted 7/21/2013 09:55 AM

I started this weekend with joy and hope. I spent last Wednesday in sincere discussion with the wayward to heal our relationship and reconnect.

We had a lovely Friday evening and started out well Saturday morning. We had to go to her place Saturday afternoon for an errand. I explained to her the desire to know the truth about what had taken place. She gave me the "I want to spare you further pain" talk. I repeated what is said on the forum so frequently about needing the whole truth.

She confessed that the ap was someone she works with, that the relationship was encouraged by her boss, that the relationship was more frequent than she had previously acknowledged and with the sanction and support of the woman who supervises her.

I was numb at first and thought I had not heard anything new to hurt me. Later on Saturday evening, the ex began talking about her son's ex wife who had betrayed him and made snarky comparisons.

After DDay, I had often thought that she chose not to see the similarities and I could no longer stomach the pot calling the kettle black.

I called her on it. She was remorseful and from what I could see, tried to accept what I was saying.

I then began to feel the betrayal by her boss and her collusion with the woman she calls friend.

This woman allowed the ex to use her apartment to pass out from alcohol and then invited the boyfriend over and escorted him to the bedroom where the ex was passed out.

The boss was host to lots of "happy hour" escapades inviting the ex and her maintenance man boyfriend to join her and her boyfriend.

I am devastated. I thought the ex had meet someone through work, not AT work. The involvement of the boss is equally devastating. I had trusted and liked this woman prior to the split with the ex. I realized soon afterward that the supervisor was no friend of mine and stated it to the wayward.

I had sex with the ex on Saturday morning (hysterical bonding). I didn't think to ask if she had used protection. She hadn't. She has been tested (so she says), but it's only been about 6 weeks since she stopped seeing the boyfriend.

She put me at risk without thinking twice. She still has to work with the man she had the affair with. The supervisor protects him and has kept him on despite behavior that should have had him fired.

I am so angry, sad and upset I could crawl into a hole and die. I had ordered an engagement ring online Friday. If she had been more forthcoming, the previous Wednesday, I would probably not have done what I did.

There's lots more to the story, but I'll close and hope someone has the patience to read and respond. I need the support. Thanks.


[This message edited by phoenixrivers at 10:13 AM, July 21st (Sunday)]

Tripletrouble posted 7/21/2013 12:23 PM

So sorry Phoenix. I would consider this a new d day of sorts. The betrayal of her boss, even if she had no obligation to you in the sense your x did, is still hurtful. And risking your health .... Make sure YOU get tested and follow up at the time your doctor suggests if additional testing is recommended.
Do you know where you want to go from here? Did you hear a deal breaker? It certainly rips the wound raw to get new information, even if in the big picture it doesn't change all that much(not meaning this does or doesn't change the big picture - that is for you to decide). You may still feel like R is on the table, or not, or maybe you are unsure. Take care of yourself as you process this. All the best to you.

phoenixrivers posted 7/21/2013 13:43 PM

Thank you so much Tripletrouble for your empathy. I appreciate your response more than I can say. I'm feeling so lonely and isolated.

I'm glad you characterized the new information as another d day. It certainly feels that way.

I had purchased an engagement ring (mentioned in the earlier post) on Friday. I cancelled the order today.

She left earlier this morning with a statement to the effect of "I've got to try to fix what's broken in me". I hope she's sincere. I will wait to see what actions she takes before I decide to continue in the relationship.

Thanks again TT,


womaninflux posted 7/21/2013 15:13 PM

You have to allow her to take the opportunity to work on herself and try to make things better. This is where I am at with my SAf(?)WH. He has finally accepted his has a problem and wants to work on it. We shall see...I'm giving it a year. I am assured by all the therapists in the mix (CSAT, MC, IC) that it's apparent if progress is being made. You may want to think about a timeline for allowing her to do this. And you have to be supportive of the efforts (which is so, so hard after the betrayal).

Pringle posted 7/21/2013 15:34 PM

Sorry Phoenix. It hurts to know there are people like that in this world that would encourage such hurtful behaviour. My Fiance(or ex fiance, dont really know anymore) said a comment the other day that made me think his colleagues entertained his A too. Before that he told me that nobody at work knew(the ow works with him and still does!!! makes me want to pull my hair outs!)I didnt ask, because to be frank, I didnt feel like hearing more lies.It sickens me that they see some sort of entertainment in knowing they are literally ripping out the bs' heart. I have been at a company where an A came out in the open, and all I can tell you is that we lost all respect for what we thought was a well put together man that had a beautiful family....and our hearts went out to the bw...I don't know one person that entertained it or thought it was a good idea! and the ow who also worked at the company...well lets just say, she gained zero respect from the whole A!

phoenixrivers posted 7/21/2013 19:28 PM

Thank you womnaninflux and Pringle for your replies to my post. Womaninflux, I especially appreciate your perspective on giving her time to work on herself. I have not been patient and wanted to jump back into a relationship without a lot of work on either my own or her part. I will be seeking IC to handle my anger.
Pringle, I think she is beginning to see the truth about her boss and has stated that she wants to leave the position she's in as soon as possible. I used to like and respect the boss, but now am angry and feel nothing but disgust for her enabling the whole sordid mess.


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