SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

Crushed18 posted 7/21/2013 14:52 PM

I thought I had the truth 6 weeks ago when my FWH supposedly told me everything. I thought we were making lots of progress with very deep conversations that felt like real intimacy. We never stopped having sex and it was much more passionate and intense due to our deep conversations. I felt like he was being real and we were reconciling (as he wanted).
Come to find out there has been LOTS of minimizing, trickle truthing and omitting since DD on 6/8/13. Today, (I think) I finally have 95% of it....based off facts I put together via email, vm messages, conversations with the OW and the things he's said.
I've basically constructed my own timeline.
His cheating behavior is much worse than he admitted to. It's more women in and out-of-town and just totally unbelievable!!! I don't feel anything anymore. I can't cry anymore...just numb and stunned. The lies every other day make me feel like I'm going crazy. He has cried, pleaded, said he loves me, poured out his heart, prayed, read scriptures to me, held me, apologized repeatedly to me, our parents and children. I don't know what to do or who or what to beleive
anymore?

Skan posted 7/21/2013 15:09 PM

(((hugs))) Many people have said that the end of their marriages comes about not because of the infidelity, but because of the continual lies. Each lie, each TT, each discovery is a new wound opened. Death by a 1,000 cuts.

If you have not already, move this idiot out of your bedroom, if not your home. All this time that he has been playing the role of Good And Faithful Husband, he's been lying to you, hiding from you, and pretending that he's actually changed and is being a changed man. This is very much a DDay #3, and it hurts just as much as the other ones.

And FWIW, tell him to stick his scriptures in the orifice that his head is firmly lodged. There is no scripture that condones what he's done.

Please just keep breathing. Stay present for your children. Let him take care of himself. If you need him to leave for a few days so you can catch your breath, then make it so. And keep coming back for support. (((hugs)))

njgal480 posted 7/21/2013 15:22 PM

I am so sorry that you are going through this now.
I know how heart beaking DDay was for me. I truly felt that I would never recover from the shock.
And here you have TT and a second or third d-day.
Just one shock after another.
I agree with Skan in that you may need some time apart from your WH just to re-group and process all of this new information.
If you don't want to ask him to leave the house at least ask him to leave the bedroom for now.
I did kick my FWH out of the house after d-day-that was hitting bottom for him.
While he was out of the house and desperate to come back home I got all of the information that I asked for about the LTA (including a very detailed timeline).
Once he moved back home-he assumed that all was forgiven and would be shocked if I brought up the affair.

The 180 (detaching from him) works. It will help you to have a chance to think.
And it will give him a chance to think as well.

Then, you can decide how you want to proceed.
If you decide to try to R you may have a list of conditions.
I did. And they included IC for him as well as MC for us as a couple, complete transparency etc. etc.
I would also suggest that you try IC for yourself.
It was a life saver for me.
Finding out about a betrayal like this is extremely traumatic.
Please take care of yourself.

Nature_Girl posted 7/21/2013 16:18 PM

((((HUGS))))

Please get yourself tested for every STD out there. Pap smear, blood drawn, all of it. Several members here have found out that their spouse/partner not only broke their heart but infected them with a disease as well.

Good luck.

doggiemom12 posted 7/21/2013 16:54 PM

See a lawyer and find out your rights. Take half the money and put it into an account only you can access. Get him out of the house if you can. Throw him out of the bedroom and get tested for STDS tomorrow.

Get tough and put on the bitch boots.

Heavy Sigh posted 7/21/2013 17:28 PM

He may wish to stop being compulsive, but whether the can is yet to be proved, and counseling (for him, first) is a start.

Here is a window into this kind of man, if it helps:

My husband and I traveled to work conferences. One of our friends - former co-worker - would be at these conferences as part of his new job at another company, and although we were happy to see him, he would make excuses to not join the group of us going out to dinner and avoided us - darting down hallways as if not seeing us. I wondered if we had offended him, or if he never liked us and now didn't have to pretend, as we no longer worked together.

The second year I figured it out when I saw a woman leaving his room late at night when we were headed back to our room after a play. He never knew I saw her leaving his room.

He was seeing escorts while away from his beautiful young wife he had recently married. I had not met her, but had seen photos of wedding. He did not seem happy and partying or content or smirky each evening or the day after these trysts. He seemed miserable. Always furtive and miserable.

A few other cheaters I'd known drank a lot, and were smarmy in that stereotypical way trying to pick up drunk women. But he seemed miserable doing it.

Later over the years, we would hear how he tried to get other former co-workers to attend strip shows, and he hired escorts when at other professional events.

Sex addict, I think, although we didn't have the word for it back then.

[This message edited by Heavy Sigh at 5:32 PM, July 21st (Sunday)]

homewrecked2011 posted 7/21/2013 21:36 PM

Is he in counseling? are you?

You can go on a forum on this SI site, the title is I Can Relate and there is a subtitle for those married to sex addicts. Please check it out.

I have to say that sometimes a WS only gets up the courage to tell everything they have done as their self image and self confidence improves. I have read under the Forum for the Wayward spouses to post, that it is a fight for them to get the courage to tell their spouse everything. It is much easier for them to stay in denial and escape from reality with a sex partner.

His sickness is his sickness. You cannot control it. You cannot cure it because you didn't cause it.

(((crushed)))

Crushed1 posted 7/21/2013 23:43 PM

((((Crushed18))))

solus sto posted 7/22/2013 08:55 AM

((((Crushed))) I'm so sorry. I, too, found out far more about my husband post-dday than I ever could have imagined.

I HATE the minimizing term "trickle truth," and won't use it. It's got nothing to do with the truth. It's lying---to protect the WS, to protect his secrets and lies, and to protect APs. Lies and minimization kill relationships.

I could have gotten past the infidelity. I probably could have gotten past the ENTIRETY of the infidelities, if told on d-day.

When you take a HUGE leap of faith, and put your heart back into the hands of someone who continues to lie and cheat and protect himself at your expense...well, that's what kills it.

I'm so, so sorry for your pain.

1Faith posted 7/22/2013 09:07 AM

Dear Crushed

Today, (I think) I finally have 95% of it

I don't truly believe that as a BS we will ever know everything. Even if the WS is totally committed to R, I believe they can't fully disclose 100% because of the guilt, how it makes them look/feel etc.

I just finally accepted that I knew ENOUGH. I knew that my FWH had cheated and that I was devastated.

Does you WH know WHY he allowed himself to cheat? What has he done or is planning to do in order to ensure it will never happen again?

Actions speak louder than words. Lies erode trust. He keeps lying then there might not be anything left to save.

IC and MC?

Hang in there. You can do this. We are all rooting for you.

unwound posted 7/22/2013 22:04 PM

Here is a scripture just for you.

Psalm 91:4 He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.

Dawn58 posted 7/23/2013 00:27 AM

Dear Crushed18,

((hugs)))

I only had one Dday and that was so devastating. I found out additional information as time went on.

First, take care of yourself!! Eat when you can, try to stay hydrated. Breath, breath, breath. I won't tell you to try to get enough sleep, because even 8 months out, sleep is still a problem for me. Exercise if you are up to it. Post here, read the Healing Library. Try to practice no contact with your spouse. It's hard, but doing that gave me some breathing space.

I consulted with an attorney right away to find out what my rights were. I got as much information as I could. I also did a lot of reading on Narcissism and came to understand that this was NOT my fault. His affair is NOT your fault. He is damaged goods.

Take care of yourself. This is crazy making stuff. Going numb is okay, it protects you. You are going through a lot of trauma and pain right now, but it will get better.

Runninggirl posted 7/23/2013 21:14 PM

This is so common, but I know that doesn't make it easier.
I think it's rare to get everything at once on first "confession"
It is the stuff they leave out and we are giving everything....the fact that they are keeping those private things secret STILL is maddening.
I am so sorry you are among the ranks here, but you are good company. Hugs