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User Topic: How do I help my wife through the triggers?
♂ 38799
Member # 38799
Default  Posted: 3:13 PM, July 21st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It has been 4 months now since my wife found out I had an affair. Its been a very hard road for her and I can understand her pain because the pain was caused by me. I take full responsibility for my actions. After 28 years of being with the one I love, I allowed sexual desire step in. I know Triggers are normal and they always come at the wrong time. We can have a great time and a song a saying or anything in the nature will send her off. What I am truly worried about is her well being. I have made a promise to her that no matter what happens apart or together I would never abandon her or hurt her financially and because of my stupidity all of the hurt was caused. Her Triggers are scary and I don't want to see her hurt herself over a selfish bastard.. Yes I know I should have thought about this before and didn't think of the consequences.. I try to give her space. The Question: How do I help her? I love her and care about her and if that means loosing her that's something that Me and Me alone has caused. The Triggers seam to be getting more verbally worst.. How do I make her get past the triggers or be able to cope with the triggers?

WH (me) 59
BS (her) 45
D day 3/7/2013
Married 26 together 28
2 adult sons 25 and 22................................. I Totally screwed up.

Posts: 66 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Toms River NJ
♀ 39667
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 3:22 PM, July 21st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am 4 months out from DD with my WH (though I suspected something was going on for much, much longer). That is part of the problem I am having...getting past the duration of the lies. Things that help me:
*when he verbally acknowledges how messed up things are because of his actions (but this must be sincerely - it's not helpful when he is angry about it). *me taking part in IC, MC and knowing that the WH is in counseling, too, and reading books.
*spending time together (we took up yoga)
*going to bed early (you can't do R on a crappy night of sleep)
*taking things slow and not rushing either person to "be" a certain way.

Everything I read says it takes 2-5 years to recover from an affair. I've talked to people who went on to have successful relationships/marriages with other people after they were betrayed and it impacts them with the NEW person even though the NEW person has never given them any reason to distrust. So...that is something to consider. There may be a part of BS that never gets over it.

BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 932 | Registered: Jun 2013
♀ 39169
Member # 39169
Default  Posted: 4:42 PM, July 21st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Read How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair. Even if you are a slow reader you can knock it out in under 3 hours. My WH said it helped him to "get it" more than all the IC and MC combined. It has changed our course exponentially for the better. It addresses triggers, amongst many other things. Good luck.

40 somethings - me BW after 20 years
D Day April 2013
Divorced November 2013
Time is a great healer but a terrible beautician.

Posts: 984 | Registered: May 2013
♀ 32753
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 7:35 PM, July 21st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You love your wife, and she's hurting. When she's had a bad day at work, or a fight in her family, or is sick, or anything else challenging happens, what do you do?

You're there for her, right? Do you listen to her, show her empathy, hold her? Do the same here. And when these triggers come, apologize to her for causing her so much pain. Don't be afraid to apologize and to listen. Show her you're there for her "in sickness and in health". If that's where your heart is, don't be afraid to do it. Especially do a lot of listening. It's one of the best ways to show you're THERE with her.

Wish you both healing.

Find peace. Or sleep on it.
Sometimes my monkeys, sometimes my circus.
Infidelities are like icebergs - they may take many different shapes and sizes, but they all damage your ship.

Posts: 4242 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
Topic Posts: 4

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