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karen posted 7/21/2013 15:32 PM

My husband cheated 10 years ago. We have mostly recovered. However, the past year he reads porn daily whenever I leave the house. I have tried to google "is this normal for men?" but I can't get a sense of what other men do. I know some men(shouldn't stereotype here, but that is the sex I am wondering about) look/read porn occasionally, but every day? Everytime I leave the house? Anybody know what is 'normal' or when one should become concerned?

Pringle posted 7/21/2013 15:39 PM

I have the same question and was thniking of posting it too-so will be great to hear everyone's views. My wf also watches it everyday!!!Every night when I go to bed. (I know because sometimes he forgets to delete his history)Even when the A came out he was watching it constantly!

JustWow posted 7/21/2013 15:41 PM

porn can be as addicitve as crack.

That said, it doesn't matter what other men do nor what other wives "condone", tolerate, or ignore.

What matters are the boundaries you have for your M. What can you live with? What consquences will occur if your boundaries are violated.

I have a zero tolerance for porn. It is a deal breaker. You do not need to have my boundary. You need to have YOUR boundary, communicate it, and be willing to follow through. Or else it isn't a boundary.

BaxtersBFF posted 7/21/2013 15:42 PM

It's not necessarily whether or not it's's whether or not you're okay with it.

Some people are okay with it together or separate. Others aren't okay with it at all.

Also, it is a matter of whether or not it's impacting you relationship.

Skan posted 7/21/2013 17:32 PM

Pornography was my FWHs gateway "drug" that led him to AFF and a ONS. And had I not caught him, to worse because he had no intention of stopping. There is a total ban on it here. He crossed the line by hiding some stuff from me not too long ago. I left him. He damned near didn't get me back. He probably won't should he do anything like that again.

njgal480 posted 7/21/2013 17:49 PM

One of my demands/boundaries after d-day was no porn.
My FWH had a 5 yr LTA. I kicked him out of the house after d-day and started divorce proceedings.
He begged and pleaded for another chance.
It took me 6 months to feel comfortable with the idea of R.
And when I finally agreed it was on MY terms.

So...that meant no Facebook for him..ever, and no porn.

He agreed and said if he ever felt a need to indulge then he would share that with me and we would decide together how to proceed.

I do not see him missing it at all. Our marriage is better than ever-he is very romantic and attentive to my needs.

I say...that if it bothers you then you have every right to demand he not indulge.
If he cannot stay away from may point to a bigger problem.

tushnurse posted 7/21/2013 18:27 PM

Is he hiding it from you or does he know you know? If he's hiding it I say red flag.
Is it impacting your sexual and intimate relationship ? If so I would say its a red flag.
Is it normal? Eh what's normal. Seriously for some people this may not be normal. For others it may be ok. The question is how is his behavior impactin you and your relationship?

(((( and strength)))

solus sto posted 7/21/2013 19:17 PM

The "whenever I leave the house" is what concerns me. It suggests both secrecy and compulsion.

I am not anti-porn. That said, it was definitely a "gateway drug" for my husband. Porn--and the activities it spawned--which escalated--was substituted for intimacy, emotional or physical, with me. It ended my sex life long before my d-day.

Athena1979 posted 7/21/2013 21:49 PM

I was told by a friend, who is a published author on the topic of gender discrimination, that society is tolerant of boys and men doing certain things.

The common statement is, boys will be boys!

When I said this about my WS porn, she immediately stopped me and said, no!

She asked me why I would say such a thing, that porn is ok, because that is just what guys do?

I said, "well isn't it just what guys do?"

She said, "why do you think that it is what guys do?"

I had no idea what she was leading into.

She said, "society allows them to do it by accepting it as normal. The act of pornography is the degradation of women, men and children, doing vulgar things so that some unknown stranger can seek anonymous pleasure from it, rather than seek a healthy relationship with a real partner. How is this ok?"

homewrecked2011 posted 7/21/2013 22:02 PM

I had this same question for much of my marriage.

I didn't want to seem like a prude.

Some people use porn, alcohol, drugs, gambling, shopping, as a way to escape from reality.

I found a website :

For some people porn completely rewires their brain.

In my opinion, if a "normal" guy picks up a beer, or a magazine, or a lottery ticket it may not be an issue. But someone whose life is filled with beer, gambling, or cheating on their spouse is not "normal", and therefore their use of this escape is detrimental to their life.

Also, in my case, my WS kept pushing the envelope on what was ok and what was not. Each time THAT instance became the new normm until finally I didn't remember what was "normal."

So, in my WH circumstance, porn is an escape and the ONLY way I would have ever taken him back is if he went to counseling for at least 6 months and no porn, as he needed to close the escapes from reality.

Also, I think guys with issues watch porn and then get addicted to it.

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 10:03 PM, July 21st (Sunday)]

Ostrich80 posted 7/22/2013 02:39 AM

I think when its hidden, when like you said, they get a moment alone and have to look at it....its,a problem. I know what my ws was like for 20yrs without it and who he is now with it...I hate it. It's taken over. It's like a drug addiction. They have to keep upping the usage to get the fix.. maybe some can view it occasionally and carry on normally, my ws cannot.

callmecrazy posted 7/22/2013 08:58 AM

"Normal" and things that are ok and fit your values can be 2 different things. Im sure to some people it is "normal" to me, it is wrong. Therefore, I do not care if the world says it is ok...the world says a lot of things are ok that I do not feel are ok bc of my personal values. Dont lose sight of you and your beliefs to keep the waters calm. He, as your husband, should respect your values and on this type of issue, there is no reason you should be the one to budge.

startingover62 posted 7/22/2013 19:01 PM

This topic is a very good one in that it goes to one of the core issues of many WS.

I am a FWS and had decades of porn use as a part of my acting out.

I believe the simple answer to your question is: No, it is not alright.

The behaviors you have descibed lead to isolation, fantasy building, and lying. The primary problem, other than objectifying other humans, is that it interfers with intimate emotional bonding in a relationship.

Porn use is addictive. It is similar to the addictions of chemicals and alcohol. It changes the neurochemical feedback loops in the brain.

Speaking for myself, I used porn to tamp down stress and anxiety. I now have better ways to do this and have been "porn free" for over two years. Now, porn is only OK if it is shared with my spouse. Porn, secret lives, and such are "slippery slopes" best avoided.


Pippy posted 7/22/2013 19:46 PM

The behaviors you have descibed lead to isolation, fantasy building, and lying. The primary problem, other than objectifying other humans, is that it interfers with intimate emotional bonding in a relationship.


BrokenBadger posted 7/23/2013 16:10 PM

Disagree with most responses on here because of rash generalizations. Here are questions posed in the thread:
Is it impacting your sexual and intimate relationship ? There is NO sexual or intimate relationship to impact. She simply is unwilling/unable to tolerate this aspect of a marriage anymore
Is it normal? It is (porn) quite simply the only sexual outlet available to me, period. Not done too much ( 1-2 times per week). Only breadwinner, have had to put up with years of indifference and her pining for another. Just done. I live for myself because that is all I have. A little excitement to momentarily charge that side of the brain can be a good thing. I certainly would love the real thing, just not possible now.

blakesteele posted 7/23/2013 18:49 PM

BS here. I totally changed my view on porn since my wife's A. Before I hardly thought anything about viewing it (by myself, with my wife) I totally get how it negatively affects intimacy. I have quit looking at it. My sex life with my wife is barely alive....I have urges but am feeling better and better each day . I have gone as long as 3 weeks without sex....and am ok! I really thought this was not possible for a guy to do.

I am hopeful this, combined with a newly committed-to-our- marriage wife, will lead to an intimacy i never knew or felt. but if it doesnt, i still feel 100% better internally....other good is coming from this...i would encourage all to take a break from seeking any sex outside of sex with your is especially challenging following the A....but it can be done.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 8:07 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)]

hurtbs posted 7/23/2013 19:00 PM

Porn and sexual behavior can be hard to define as deviant. Looking at it daily the moment you step out of the house seems like a red flag to me. However, does it effect your marriage? Your sexual intimacy?

My exWH was/is a sex addict. He would look at porn daily for 8-12 hours a day. He spent so much energy with his online endeavors that we were essentially in a sexless marriage.

That's generally how I would outline it as a problem: 1) does it impact your relationship, 2) does it impact his job (my ex looked at tons of porn while at work), 3) does it physically harm him (people will masturbate to the point of physical harm, or stay up and get 2-3 hours of sleep), 4) is his behavior illegal or is he looking at harmful images (child pornography, violent rape scenes, etc).

womaninflux posted 7/23/2013 19:21 PM

Depends on the person. If viewing porn activates an addictive cycle in their brain, it's bad. It can contribute to ED, addiction - requiring more and more + different kinds of porn and going into hardcore stuff.

If they simply just view it occasionally and it's arousing but not addictive, it's not bad. The problem is that the people for whom it IS bad don't usually recognize the changes in themselves that watching porn has contributed towards.

There are a lot of articles about it on Psychology Today. Many articles say it's all bad but there are a few on there that say it's not the porn that is bad, it's the person watching it (who can't make good decisions with the information).

BrokenBadger posted 7/24/2013 08:33 AM

Agree completely with womaninflux. Viewed occasionally to arouse in the absence of any other avenue for this appears to be harmless. It's the person watching it and how they react to it that is the real story.

Dallas2 posted 7/24/2013 08:49 AM

Porn is bad for a M unless its something you watch together. Most porn watchers keep it secret and hide it from their partners. Did you know it is also a control issue? If someone is watching porn and getting sexual satisfaction from it, they usally don't feel a need to have sex with the person beside them.

My H is a porn watcher and while doing it he is not a part of this M. We went to MC and he convinced the MC he is not addicted. Oh yes he was. I found all the dvd's downloads and other things. Ayear later I came home early before he expected it and guess what I found. Yep more porn. Needless to say I went off. He actually had to the nerve to say I didn't know it bothered you... Oh he knows now and there has been no porn. Life is so much better, He goes to bed when I do, we visit and even have an active sex life. To me porn is a form of cheating and if I ever find any type of it I am gone.

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