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ready to shift the focus from "it" to "us"

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gettingthere2013 posted 7/21/2013 18:28 PM

And maybe it's a question to bring up in MC Tuesday,but wanted to throw it out there to the real experts

I'm sick of talking about "it",I'm sick of talking about "her". I'm sick of even one freaking minute of my time with (almost)fWH being given to his mistakes,I'm tired of OW having that much freaking living space in my psyche. Sounds great,right? Ummmm,no. Because while I want to stop giving this woman and the past so much weight,I still trigger,sometimes horribly...and right now,I'm PMS-ing,so you know how that goes! Last night,WH mentions he's traveling to _____. It's where 'she' lives and where they would hook up while he was in town. It's also where his company headquarters are,so it's a legit trip....WH has already shown me the official travel office itinerary. I don't doubt him at all-he is truly walking the walk. I still lost my shit,just lost it...all he had to say was the name of the place and I'm all "you're going there to fuck her" "I hope you and ____ have fun" "make sure you take lots of naked pics for ___". Then,instead of a warm bubble bath for two that we had been planning,we spent two hours talking about "it" and "her"...and never got to the bubble bath.

Please tell me how I handle my triggers when I really would rather simply "be" with WH. That woman has seriously gotten enough of my marriage,I don't want to give her anymore.

[This message edited by gettingthere2013 at 6:56 PM, July 21st (Sunday)]

jo2love posted 7/21/2013 18:49 PM

gettingthere2013 -

Please remember to follow the guidelines when posting.

A wonderful place to share your struggles, success stories and triggers while trying to reconcile.It's a long road, but you can do it! There is to be no venting about or name calling the OP in this forum.

Thank you

ItsaClimb posted 7/22/2013 01:00 AM

I wish I had an answer for you. I know exactly how you feel. I have the same problem. I have the best of intentions... I plan to stop obsessing, to focus on the future, build our marriage, and then some little trigger happens and all my good intentions turn to dust... I become a shouting screaming wreck again. It is SO annoying!

I am hoping it's a matter of time. I really hope that with time the grip of the triggers will lessen and my reactions to the triggers become less violent. I really hope so. In the meantime I will keep on trying to react more calmly to the triggers.


catlover50 posted 7/22/2013 08:21 AM


I think most of us can relate to your struggles. That's why they're called "triggers" right--cause we just go off!

I have made up a mantra to calm myself, along with deep breathing. I also use visualization. I have written notes to myself and have a copy of a letter my H wrote me to refer to at tends of stress and doubt. Doesn't always work, but it helps.

And I suspect I am a few months further out than you, at 10 months. It does get easier.

And it may help to remind yourself how much nicer a bath for two is than another rehash!

Good luck.

Rebreather posted 7/22/2013 09:37 AM

How did he tell you about this trip? Was it just blah blah like it was no big deal? Or did he approach you and say, "I have some work news I need to share, and it will be hard for you. I have to go to x town on x date for x reason. I will bring you my schedule sent from the home office. I will show you where I am staying, and will remain in contact with you the whole time I am gone. I am so sorry I have done this to us and made this so hard for you. I am hear for you."

My spouse has meetings in the town where he would stay over night with his AP. Since dday, he has never stayed over for a meeting. He leave our house at 4 am, and gets home at 11 pm. Whenever possible, he carpools with others. It has helped me a ton with triggers. And he always tells me like in the above paragraph. It is never just "mentioned."

womaninflux posted 7/22/2013 09:48 AM

I know how you feel and had similar issue over the weekend. Wednesday my H was late coming home for work. Never heard from him...finally he calls saying he had to have a quick drink with someone he was pitching for an investment in a startup, said he'd be home in an hour. I missed the call but texted back that I was glad he called and was hoping to go to Yoga that evening so it owuld be great if he could make it back. He got home 5 min before yoga started and asks me why I'm not going. That whole thing just triggers me into feeling like the past 2 years...all of these last minute meetings/dinners with "guys from work"/watching the game with "X" guy friend (who is also cheating on his wife and they would double date with their affairs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. Put me in a negative spot for the next couple of days and I freaked out a bit on Friday night, our date night. Asked probing questions, found out more trickle truth of stuff I suspected that he had not owned up to.

But honestly, it's only 4 months out for me...and I think I am still in the processing all of this stage. You have to process it before you can move on from it and heal. At least that is what all of the books/websites/therapists say.

Alex CR posted 7/22/2013 18:30 PM

My H and I used to meet weekly to talk about the A. We would go to dinner and talk for a set amount of time and called that our therapy session instead of MC.

For probably the first year, all our discussions were around the A - how,why, where, how,why,where...over and over. But eventually the discussions became about us. It was a real turning point and although occasionally I still asked a question or two about the A, the focus was on us. It seemed a natural progression and I worked hard to manage the triggers using the STOP sign and promising myself I would think about the trigger later at a specific time for so many minutes when it was convenient for me...tactics I'd read here at SI. I also journaled my triggers, concerns, questions and would bring my journal to our weekly meeting. Many times, some of the things I'd written didn't seem so important and I would skip them and focus on the things that still really bothered me.

It was a process and took time and sometimes something would trigger and head me right back to Dday. But my ability to deal with it got better as time went on and my STOP sign and other efforts have become, for me, good habits.

It does take time and you are still close to many say here it's a roller coaster and there will be good times and bad, but if you and your WS are committed to R, you will keep moving forward.

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