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Need advice on vacation with WH's friend being there

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Wonderingwhy11 posted 7/21/2013 18:46 PM

We are going on vacation next week. WH’s partner in crime is going to be there as a single man. I really didn’t want this friend there but WH felt he needed to include him because this is the annual friends and family trip we all went on for the last 10 years and doesn’t want to cause questions. I think WH is afraid others will find out about the A and the friend’s involvement (details in my profile).

Last Friday I joined WH and his friend at a bar to discuss the vacation. The friend invited another woman to join them and I realized he was interested in her. My WH left us to talk to someone else and I sat there and listened to the friend trying to “pick up” on this woman who talked about her kids and then her husband but that didn’t stop the friend from trying to get her to go somewhere with him. After we got home I told WH I was very uncomfortable listening to the conversation and not to be included while WH went over to talk to someone else. I know I should have left but I didn’t want to cause a scene and was trying to be an adult about the situation. I was uncomfortable because this woman was married and this friend still tried to pick up on her and he ignored I was there and didn’t try to include me – of course he want me in the conversation. I thought this was extremely rude and shows how this friend doesn’t care about trying to have a friendship with us as a couple – which honestly is not possible but for some reason WH is hoping I will see some good side of this friend. I haven’t seen it yet. WH and I ended up in a fight - which wasn't good. I think WH is worried about how next week is going to go and I reminded him that is why I didn't want a vacation that included this friend and he made the decision to include him.

I know I can’t expect the friend to change and I honestly do not want him as a friend of our marriage. But shouldn’t I expect my WH not to leave me in situations where I will see his friend in action and shouldn’t WH know this would upset me. This is the friend who introduced him to the OW and they all went on trips together. This is the friend who left his wife for his OW and then cheated on the OW. This is the friend who is juggling at least two women. I know it is a free country and he can live his life as he wants. But my WH is telling me he doesn’t want the life his friend is leading – so why hang around him? I feel I should not be subjected to it and I have asked WH how he expects me to feel safe about their continued friendship – even though they have cut back how often they get together and out of town trips are out.

My feeling is WH will hang out with this friend during our vacation and watch him flirt and engage with other women and this is a slippery slope. So how do I ever feel comfortable this friend is going to be at the same vacation spot with us and most likely be trolling for woman? I told WH I don’t want him spending most of the day with this friend and I am keeping the kids entertained just like it was in the past.

Has anyone else experienced this? Any advice on how to get through this would be appreciated.

knightsbff posted 7/21/2013 18:54 PM

WW here....hope it's OK.

This friend is NOT a friend of your marriage at all. Your WH should have cut ties with this person already.

I think your WH needs to decide what is important to him. You and the M or his sleazy friend.

ETA: I'm not sure that came out well at all. I'm just horrified at what you're being asked to endure.

If you absolutely must endure your vacation with this friend around some strict boundaries established before hand could help.

This is an opportunity for your WH to demonstrate his loyalty and dedication. I would ask that he not be around his friend without you and that he stand up for you in the presence of this friend by not allowing offensive conversation.

[This message edited by knightsbff at 7:41 PM, July 21st (Sunday)]

Daisy312 posted 7/21/2013 19:29 PM

I agree! If you and your M are important to him he should not be friends with this guy and should be more worried with how you feel than if anyone finds out.

Wonderingwhy11 posted 7/21/2013 19:39 PM

knightbff - I do appreciate any advice. I agree WH needs to decide what is important. This is what I keep asking. I feel like I am talking to teenager who resents what I have to say.

We did talk about expectations for the vacation - spending time as a family and not hanging out in bars with the friend. So how he behaves next week will tell me if continuing to work on R is possible. I hope he WH keeps his word. My fear is he won't and this belief will cloud how I act. So I am trying to tell myself to not look for trouble. But I also think we need a game plan. How can you win if you don't have a game plan?

The added curve ball is where we are going is the same place WH and his friend brought their OW's and I think we might be staying at the same place. WH says it isn't. It is upsetting they decided to bring OW to the same vacation spot we all went on with our families. I wanted to do different vacation plans but WH did not want to change the annual vacation plans - so I feel I lost again.

knightsbff posted 7/21/2013 19:49 PM

I'm sorry wonderingwhy, this doesn't sound good at all. You WH does not sound remorseful. If you are worried he is taking you back to the scene of the crime for vacation I'm afraid he probably is. This added with not getting rid of the friend who encouraged the A speaks to me of a WH with his head firmly stuck in his ass.

Read up on the 180. Other BS will probably be along who can advise you better.

Do you believe you will be able to enjoy this vacation or even relax at all? It sounds like torture to me. He should be standing up for you but if he won't you will have to. You deserve better.

hemademesingle posted 7/21/2013 20:25 PM

I'm sorry but your husband sounds weak and selfish, he has no respect for you or your feelings, his douchbag friend's feelings are more important to him,

A truly remorseful spouse would have respected his wife's feelings and he would be telling his douchbag of a friend that there is no vacation this year, that he your husband was taking you away on vacation,somewhere different, just your family, that would be putting you and your feelings and needs first

A remorseful husband would never expect his betrayed wife to go and stay where he took his OW, especially when he knew that this is where both your fractured family and the douchbags totally shattered family, used to go for "vacation", this has to be one of the most selfish things

I see his actions as totally disrespectful to your needs,

I myself couldn't know that information, and go on the vacation, especially with someone that behaves like the friend, I think that it just all wrapped together would just be too hurtful,

LA44 posted 7/21/2013 20:37 PM

WW11 this is upsetting. You are going on vacay with the man who introduced your H to the Ow? I could not - let me re-state - WOULD not do that. How can you relax, enjoy and not be full of suspicion with this joker around?

More importantly, your H does not see that this person is NOT a friend of the marriage. You need to come first.

In a few days I will see my H's bf. BF knew of the A and told my H he was playing with fire and would get caught. He encouraged him to stop the nonsense. He has since apologized to me for not doing MORE to open my H's eyes and said he felt as if he betrayed me too. I don't blame bf for knowing and not telling me. I appreciated his apology. I doubt I would want to see him at all if he had not done that.

Your sitch is my more serious in that this friend was actually ENCOURAGING the A. Hell - he got the two together.

No. Please don't share your vacation with this alley cat.


RockyMtn posted 7/21/2013 20:58 PM

So how he behaves next week will tell me if continuing to work on R is possible. I hope he WH keeps his word.

I am all about giving a WS enough rope to hang him/herself. However, wonderingwhy, I really think your WS has already hung himself, R-wise, and needs a massive turnaround. What could he possible do so well next week to make up for subjecting you to this guy in the first place? A truly remorseful WS would be disgusted with his friend (and himself) and would be doing everything in his power to shield you and the M from his friend.

I'm actually most troubled by the fact that your husband fights with you when you challenge the utter absurdity of a couple in R having a friend like this. This is classic lack of remorse - taking a situation that is clearly their fault and making it yours. I am so, so angry for you.

I haven't been in this situation, per se, where my WH tried to remain friends with a guy that he caroused with or who was complicit in the A. But he had a friend who knew about the A and joked about it (the guy wasn't my friend). I won't get into details because I don't want to t/j - but I didn't give an ultimatum because I wasn't 100% sure what I would do about the friendship. I did make it clear each and every time they spent time together that it made me very unhappy and hurt. I told my WH that continued hurts like this did not bode well for R. And I meant it. Just because I didn't issue an ultimatum doesn't mean I wasn't very, very clear that his continuation of the friendship could be a dealbreaker. He ended the friendship - took him a bit and he didn't end it well, but it is done. For whatever it is worth, I'm still dealing with resentment about that and WH knows it. It is a shame, really, as we have enough crap on our plate. I'm sure you can identify with that. Why is your WH making R harder than it already is!?!?

That was my approach. If my WH's friend had INTRODUCED him to the OW and encouraged an A? I wouldn't be going on that vacation, first off. And there probably would be an ultimatum.

silverhopes posted 7/21/2013 21:05 PM

What does your H say about the choices his "friend" makes and has made? Does he see anything wrong with them? It concerns me that he would hang out with someone who was so supportive of his affair and who practices the same behaviors himself. So why hang out with him? Can he understand how doing that would seem to you like tacit support of those bad choices?

Wonderingwhy11 posted 7/22/2013 20:09 PM

Thanks for all the responses. At times I think WH is not completely remorseful even though he says he is. I keep watching the actions. The problem for me is the delays in really starting to work on R because of this friendship - too many details about my WH and the friend's OW issues would be writing a soap opera plot. For me R didn't begin until about 10 months ago. WH thinks it began much earlier. WH has admitted going on this annual vacation and including this friend is a mistake. I tried to tell him we need to change the annual vacation and as unfortunate as it is because there are others on the trip I will miss but we need to make new memories with our kids. WH does understand this. I just wished he would have thought about all this before the A.

LA44 - I completely agree with your comments. I told WH he is not hanging out in bars with this friend - this is a family vacation. I told WH I wanted to discuss this before the vacation so there was no misunderstanding. I hope WH means what he says.

RockyMtn - Your response to your WH's friend is exactly how I have been handling it. The friendship has changed because I will not allow 3-4 days a week hanging out in bars or going on guy trips. WH says he has ended the friendship side but there is business ties he can't easily end. When I tried to say I did not want to go on the annual trip with this friend WH said the kids want to go. So he pulled the kid card - not fair!!!!

Silverhopes - WH does admit that it might seem he is trying to maintain the friendship but he says showing his friend he is committed to our marriage by reducing the time they hang out to one day a week and no guy trips. I feel he is trying to placate me and I say he is hoping to return to the friendship as before. He says he isn't and I tell him I will not police this friendship for much longer. Life is too short for this.

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