SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

jimbo25319 posted 7/21/2013 21:55 PM

The level of disrespect my WW shows while her A continues is just too much for me to handle.

For example, OM and WW's best friend are members of the gym where I'm a fitness instructor. Saturday WW's friend had her come to the gym to workout. I found this odd since WW has not been to my gym in over a year. so what did I find when I went to the gym, yep OM's car parked in the lot. I didn't go in to avoid a confrontation.

I confronted WW over the phone, and for forth time insisted she move out. She refuses. The only saving grace is that because of our work schedules, I don't encounter her much at home. But my stress goes through the roof when we are home together.

When she's not home I'm pretty much OK. Our M is over and I've accepted that, but this co-residing thing is killing me.

I know legally I can't force her to leave, but do you'll have any advice or tactics I can use to "convince" her to get the f#ck out.

stilllovingher posted 7/21/2013 22:17 PM

change the locks?

homewrecked2011 posted 7/21/2013 22:34 PM

Sorry you find yourself here.

I would say to secretly go and see any atty-- that is what I did. I looked online and got free consults from 3 different ones.

I felt SO MUCH BETTER after these consults. My brain could finally get out of the round & round circle of what if's and I was able to start planning.

In my state -SC, all I had to do was to file (secretly) and petition to have full and sole possession of the home until our D was final - year here. He got served at work and if e had not already moved out he would have had just a few days to get out. SSEEEYYYAAA!!!But,,, remember once you file,you have to show keep track of all your finances to show the court. AND SHE COULD GET TO AN ATTY FIRST and you will have to move out.

In my state adultery = 60/40 split on assest, not 50/50, and 40/60 split on debts with the adulterer being the one who gets hurt.

Good luck, and keep posting here, you'll receive lots of support here.

Rainbows posted 7/21/2013 22:51 PM

WH and I have been in this situation since dday and it's been unbearable at times.

Since we're legally married, moving out is voluntary. He initially tried some legal shenanigans to bully me into leaving, including changing the locks. I had every legal right to change them after, and did so (left him the new keys).

Be careful how you approach this with her because you don't want to seem aggressive or threatening.

Once I filed for D that's when he realized we had to come to an agreement. I'm not sure if you're there yet, but it's what I needed to do.

In my state filing gave me more individual legal rights and leverage.

On really tense days I wear my headphones and sing to myself. Helps drown out the negative energy around me.

Hopefully, she'll get sick of the tension and move out on her own. My WH was looking to move out, even though I didn't know it. Maybe she's looking, too.

Crushed1 posted 7/21/2013 22:57 PM

(((Jimbo))) Sorry I don't have any advice, but just wanted to send you some good thoughts and say I'm sorry you are in this horrible sitch.

I agree with seeing an attorney ASAP and maybe you can get rid of her that way. Best of luck. Hang in here!

stronger08 posted 7/22/2013 02:48 AM

May I ask what you have done to make the A difficult ? Have you exposed the truth for all to see and hear ? She is rubbing her A in your face my man. Not only do you have to deal with it at home. She is now bringing to your place of employment. Don't think for one second that her actions do not have purpose. She is playing a very calculated game here. Most likely to bait you into some sort of a confrontation. Should you lose it, blow up and do something rash she will most certainly take advantage of that legally. Perhaps to the point of finding yourself in jail depending on your reaction. You must keep your cool and devise a plan of attack that is damaging yet legal. In my personal experience image is very important to cheaters. Attack their image with truths and facts. That tends to do the most damage to a WS.

Also, what are you doing to expedite the D ? Are you trying to sell the home ? Could she possibly buy you out ? You must be open to all options that will alleviate your suffering while benefiting you financially and legally. I personally chose to leave the M residence. For me it was the best option. I took the financial hit for about a year. But if you can afford it perhaps that's one route to explore. You must understand that the aim of an unremorseful WS is to break you. You must be stronger than they are. Never underestimate your WW and don't think anything is past her. They try and pull some really wild shit. And the biggest problem is that they tend to be good actors and people will listen.

sisoon posted 7/22/2013 14:35 PM

Jim,

Why do you expect anything other than disrespect? She's in lurve, and that's the only thing that matters to her.

Have you filed for D? If not, why not? Do you have a good lawyer? If not, why not?

I have a small disagreement with stronger - I'd support the A for now, keeping careful records. After you file, after you're openly done with her, that's the time to out her and her om to the world.

But, please, move fast on the lawyer and filing. Don't let her beat you to it. This is a war - strike hard, strike by surprise, and strike fast.

jimbo25319 posted 7/22/2013 20:15 PM

Thanks all for your advice and support.

I have retained an attorney and so has she. Based upon his advise, I've pretty much played dumb and haven't confronted her on anything she does.

I have documentation of her in her A, such as overnight stays at the OM's house, a trip they took over the July 4th holiday, and other things. I have enough to file under adultery, but have just been waiting, giving her rope in order to hang herself. Filing for D should come within the near future, but not soon enough for me.

My main issue is my sanity. When she's not around, I'm much better. When we're around each other, I'm a mess. It sucks, because I still love her, and I still care. She doesn't and it just hurts to the core.

I know I have to be patient, but that's not one of my virtues.

In response to Stronger, who's one of people I respect most on this site; I have told everyone who asks. I don't necessarily go around broadcasting to the world, but those who know me will ask what's wrong, or friends will ask about her. I tell them, my WW is having an affair and we are headed for D. According to my WW, she's only told her two closest friends about her affair. Everyone else, including her family, she spouts off the "we're having problems". No, you're having an affair.

[This message edited by jimbo25319 at 8:19 PM, July 22nd (Monday)]

Tred posted 7/22/2013 20:18 PM

Have you tried shrimp in the curtain rods?
<ducking and hiding now>

jimbo25319 posted 7/22/2013 20:21 PM

I no longer do things for her though. I don't wash or put away her laundry. I will not wash the vehicle she uses. I don't fill up the gas tank like I used to, or clean up after her. She's noticed this and asked, I told her she needs to get used to doing things for herself, or get her OM to do it.

kernel posted 7/22/2013 20:39 PM

She's noticed this and asked

Good grief, no wonder your stress level is sky high around her. She's got some serious nerve. I agree with Stronger - she is trying to force you into a blow-up to use it against you.
This isn't going to stop until you find a way to make it stop. What is your lawyer waiting for if you already have the documentation you need? This is getting dangerous for you.

Beyond this, it's impossible to detach and heal when she's in the same house and flaunting it as well.

Tell your lawyer what you've said here. Tell him/her that you are at the end of your rope. You need relief!

solus sto posted 7/22/2013 22:14 PM

I moved all his belonging from the master bedroom, which somehow he'd appropriated both after d-day and after returning from a brief separation, to the basement and told him it was MY house, too, and I had spent seven months too many exiled from MY room. ( He took the BR furniture when he moved out the first time, leaving me to sleep in my daughter's bed when she was at school and on a futon in my son's room or on a sofa when she was home.)

Oddly enough, within 30 minutes of being "moved," he'd arranged to move back to his interim apartment.

He moved out--this time with just what he could carry in a car, less than a week after moving home. Why? He never went NC. But mostly because I made it eminently uncomfortable for him to stay.

Wish i'd done it months sooner. Like on d-day.

[This message edited by solus sto at 10:19 PM, July 22nd (Monday)]

whatnow8 posted 7/22/2013 22:28 PM

Have you tried shrimp in the curtain rods?
<ducking and hiding now>

Hahaha!!!!! I loved that story!!!

gypsybird87 posted 7/23/2013 00:15 AM

Do you own the home together? Is there is reason you want her to leave rather than leaving yourself?

I ask because I am the one still living in what was the marital home (there was no other option, I own it exclusively and it was never a joint property) and it SUCKS. Living here with all the memories, good, bad and UGLY is very very hard. If you can feasibly cut loose and start somewhere fresh, I'd take that option.

But... since I knew I couldn't leave and XWH would have to do so, I made his time here as awkward for him as possible. I moved everything of his out of the master bedroom and bath and made it strictly off limits. I stopped doing anything nice or convenient for him. I hounded him daily about how his house-hunting was going. I cut off all banking and credit card links that were more "mine" than his. I separated myself from the accounts that were more "his" than mine. (ie- removed myself as an authorized user from his jc penneys acct).

As far as sanity... I hear you. This whole process has sucked but the in-house separation period was by far the worst. What helped me was trying to view him like an distant relative that I didn't know well (that was easy, he was like a stranger to me by then!) who was staying with me for an unknown but hopefully brief period of time. This mindset helped me distance myself while still remaining courteous enough to get through forced day to day interaction.

((jimbo)) Good luck and hang in there!!

doggiediva posted 7/23/2013 10:20 AM

I am forced to get my ducks in a row for D while having WH in my face and underfoot!

Grrrr...

Do you own the home too ?

To have the law on my side in a physical separation from my WH, I have to file for divorce and have him served..We are both joint owners of this house that he refuses to leave.

Some times it takes extreme measures such as filing for divorce and getting law enforcement assistance to evict... Afterwards one must change the locks and take all measures possible to eliminate stalking or harassment..

In my case, nothing short of officially filing for divorce and having the police come and light a load of dynamite under my WH's ass will get him to leave the house..

I would rather move and start a new life in a new place after assuring that my rights and finances are protected..

I totally understand your frustration

Hugs

[This message edited by doggiediva at 10:25 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday)]

doggiediva posted 7/23/2013 10:29 AM

Ohhhh..Tread, such an awesome idea to put shrimp in the curtain rods...Or plant a dead mouse in the tank of the toilet of WS's bathroom