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Newest Member: WOPR (61467)

User Topic: How do I get her to move the F@#% out
♂ 31891
Member # 31891
Default  Posted: 9:55 PM, July 21st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The level of disrespect my WW shows while her A continues is just too much for me to handle.

For example, OM and WW's best friend are members of the gym where I'm a fitness instructor. Saturday WW's friend had her come to the gym to workout. I found this odd since WW has not been to my gym in over a year. so what did I find when I went to the gym, yep OM's car parked in the lot. I didn't go in to avoid a confrontation.

I confronted WW over the phone, and for forth time insisted she move out. She refuses. The only saving grace is that because of our work schedules, I don't encounter her much at home. But my stress goes through the roof when we are home together.

When she's not home I'm pretty much OK. Our M is over and I've accepted that, but this co-residing thing is killing me.

I know legally I can't force her to leave, but do you'll have any advice or tactics I can use to "convince" her to get the f#ck out.

Posts: 486 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Maryland
♂ 29959
Member # 29959
Default  Posted: 10:17 PM, July 21st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

change the locks?

The only difference between a butt kisser and a brown noser is depth perception.
I'm sure WAL would agree.

Posts: 2422 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: still BFE, but now BFE, CA
♀ 34678
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 10:34 PM, July 21st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry you find yourself here.

I would say to secretly go and see any atty-- that is what I did. I looked online and got free consults from 3 different ones.

I felt SO MUCH BETTER after these consults. My brain could finally get out of the round & round circle of what if's and I was able to start planning.

In my state -SC, all I had to do was to file (secretly) and petition to have full and sole possession of the home until our D was final - year here. He got served at work and if e had not already moved out he would have had just a few days to get out. SSEEEYYYAAA!!!But,,, remember once you file,you have to show keep track of all your finances to show the court. AND SHE COULD GET TO AN ATTY FIRST and you will have to move out.

In my state adultery = 60/40 split on assest, not 50/50, and 40/60 split on debts with the adulterer being the one who gets hurt.

Good luck, and keep posting here, you'll receive lots of support here.

Sometimes He calms the storm. Sometimes He lets the storm rage, but calms His child.
Dday 12/19/11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day. Shocked the hell out of him, with D papers, I'm proud to say!
D final10/30/2012

Posts: 4127 | Registered: Jan 2012
♀ 39362
Member # 39362
Default  Posted: 10:51 PM, July 21st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WH and I have been in this situation since dday and it's been unbearable at times.

Since we're legally married, moving out is voluntary. He initially tried some legal shenanigans to bully me into leaving, including changing the locks. I had every legal right to change them after, and did so (left him the new keys).

Be careful how you approach this with her because you don't want to seem aggressive or threatening.

Once I filed for D that's when he realized we had to come to an agreement. I'm not sure if you're there yet, but it's what I needed to do.

In my state filing gave me more individual legal rights and leverage.

On really tense days I wear my headphones and sing to myself. Helps drown out the negative energy around me.

Hopefully, she'll get sick of the tension and move out on her own. My WH was looking to move out, even though I didn't know it. Maybe she's looking, too.

There is always a rainbow after every storm.

Posts: 415 | Registered: May 2013 | From: California
♀ 6449
Member # 6449
Default  Posted: 10:57 PM, July 21st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Jimbo))) Sorry I don't have any advice, but just wanted to send you some good thoughts and say I'm sorry you are in this horrible sitch.

I agree with seeing an attorney ASAP and maybe you can get rid of her that way. Best of luck. Hang in here!

~~"You can't run away from yourself"!!! Me to my H when he descended into adultery insanity.
~~Prov.15:13 "By sorrow of the heart the spirit is broken"
~~"The day breaks-your mind aches"

Posts: 10024 | Registered: Feb 2005 | From: Texas
♂ 16953
Member # 16953
Default  Posted: 2:48 AM, July 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

May I ask what you have done to make the A difficult ? Have you exposed the truth for all to see and hear ? She is rubbing her A in your face my man. Not only do you have to deal with it at home. She is now bringing to your place of employment. Don't think for one second that her actions do not have purpose. She is playing a very calculated game here. Most likely to bait you into some sort of a confrontation. Should you lose it, blow up and do something rash she will most certainly take advantage of that legally. Perhaps to the point of finding yourself in jail depending on your reaction. You must keep your cool and devise a plan of attack that is damaging yet legal. In my personal experience image is very important to cheaters. Attack their image with truths and facts. That tends to do the most damage to a WS.

Also, what are you doing to expedite the D ? Are you trying to sell the home ? Could she possibly buy you out ? You must be open to all options that will alleviate your suffering while benefiting you financially and legally. I personally chose to leave the M residence. For me it was the best option. I took the financial hit for about a year. But if you can afford it perhaps that's one route to explore. You must understand that the aim of an unremorseful WS is to break you. You must be stronger than they are. Never underestimate your WW and don't think anything is past her. They try and pull some really wild shit. And the biggest problem is that they tend to be good actors and people will listen.

You cant eat soup with chopsticks.

Posts: 6851 | Registered: Nov 2007
♂ 31240
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 2:35 PM, July 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Why do you expect anything other than disrespect? She's in lurve, and that's the only thing that matters to her.

Have you filed for D? If not, why not? Do you have a good lawyer? If not, why not?

I have a small disagreement with stronger - I'd support the A for now, keeping careful records. After you file, after you're openly done with her, that's the time to out her and her om to the world.

But, please, move fast on the lawyer and filing. Don't let her beat you to it. This is a war - strike hard, strike by surprise, and strike fast.

fBH (me) - 66 on d-day, Married 43, together 45 on d-day, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
Most of us know only our own experience. That's not enough data to support a general rule that D, or R, is right in every sitch.

Posts: 16784 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Illinois
♂ 31891
Member # 31891
Default  Posted: 8:15 PM, July 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks all for your advice and support.

I have retained an attorney and so has she. Based upon his advise, I've pretty much played dumb and haven't confronted her on anything she does.

I have documentation of her in her A, such as overnight stays at the OM's house, a trip they took over the July 4th holiday, and other things. I have enough to file under adultery, but have just been waiting, giving her rope in order to hang herself. Filing for D should come within the near future, but not soon enough for me.

My main issue is my sanity. When she's not around, I'm much better. When we're around each other, I'm a mess. It sucks, because I still love her, and I still care. She doesn't and it just hurts to the core.

I know I have to be patient, but that's not one of my virtues.

In response to Stronger, who's one of people I respect most on this site; I have told everyone who asks. I don't necessarily go around broadcasting to the world, but those who know me will ask what's wrong, or friends will ask about her. I tell them, my WW is having an affair and we are headed for D. According to my WW, she's only told her two closest friends about her affair. Everyone else, including her family, she spouts off the "we're having problems". No, you're having an affair.

[This message edited by jimbo25319 at 8:19 PM, July 22nd (Monday)]

Posts: 486 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Maryland
♂ 34086
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 8:18 PM, July 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have you tried shrimp in the curtain rods?
<ducking and hiding now>

Married: 20 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 5502 | Registered: Dec 2011
♂ 31891
Member # 31891
Default  Posted: 8:21 PM, July 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I no longer do things for her though. I don't wash or put away her laundry. I will not wash the vehicle she uses. I don't fill up the gas tank like I used to, or clean up after her. She's noticed this and asked, I told her she needs to get used to doing things for herself, or get her OM to do it.

Posts: 486 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Maryland
♀ 27035
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 8:39 PM, July 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She's noticed this and asked

Good grief, no wonder your stress level is sky high around her. She's got some serious nerve. I agree with Stronger - she is trying to force you into a blow-up to use it against you.
This isn't going to stop until you find a way to make it stop. What is your lawyer waiting for if you already have the documentation you need? This is getting dangerous for you.

Beyond this, it's impossible to detach and heal when she's in the same house and flaunting it as well.

Tell your lawyer what you've said here. Tell him/her that you are at the end of your rope. You need relief!

"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that's pretty good."

Posts: 5379 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
solus sto
♀ 30989
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 10:14 PM, July 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I moved all his belonging from the master bedroom, which somehow he'd appropriated both after d-day and after returning from a brief separation, to the basement and told him it was MY house, too, and I had spent seven months too many exiled from MY room. ( He took the BR furniture when he moved out the first time, leaving me to sleep in my daughter's bed when she was at school and on a futon in my son's room or on a sofa when she was home.)

Oddly enough, within 30 minutes of being "moved," he'd arranged to move back to his interim apartment.

He moved out--this time with just what he could carry in a car, less than a week after moving home. Why? He never went NC. But mostly because I made it eminently uncomfortable for him to stay.

Wish i'd done it months sooner. Like on d-day.

[This message edited by solus sto at 10:19 PM, July 22nd (Monday)]

BS-me, 55; WX-irrelevant
Divorced after an eternity
"So much for the past and present. The future is called 'perhaps,' which is the only possible thing to call the future. And the important thing is not to let that scare you." Tenn

Posts: 15287 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
♀ 36576
Member # 36576
Default  Posted: 10:28 PM, July 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have you tried shrimp in the curtain rods?
<ducking and hiding now>

Hahaha!!!!! I loved that story!!!

wtf?? How insane does your life have to get that you want to polygraph your freaking HUSBAND. ~ OldCow18

It's hard to make a decision when you're too tired to hold on and too in love to let go. ~ unknown

Posts: 178 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: midwest
♀ 39193
Member # 39193
Default  Posted: 12:15 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do you own the home together? Is there is reason you want her to leave rather than leaving yourself?

I ask because I am the one still living in what was the marital home (there was no other option, I own it exclusively and it was never a joint property) and it SUCKS. Living here with all the memories, good, bad and UGLY is very very hard. If you can feasibly cut loose and start somewhere fresh, I'd take that option.

But... since I knew I couldn't leave and XWH would have to do so, I made his time here as awkward for him as possible. I moved everything of his out of the master bedroom and bath and made it strictly off limits. I stopped doing anything nice or convenient for him. I hounded him daily about how his house-hunting was going. I cut off all banking and credit card links that were more "mine" than his. I separated myself from the accounts that were more "his" than mine. (ie- removed myself as an authorized user from his jc penneys acct).

As far as sanity... I hear you. This whole process has sucked but the in-house separation period was by far the worst. What helped me was trying to view him like an distant relative that I didn't know well (that was easy, he was like a stranger to me by then!) who was staying with me for an unknown but hopefully brief period of time. This mindset helped me distance myself while still remaining courteous enough to get through forced day to day interaction.

((jimbo)) Good luck and hang in there!!

Me: Enjoying life
Him: Someone else's problem

Follow your heart, but take your brain with you. ~ Alfred Adler
Letting go of the outcome is about the most empowering thing you can do for yourself. ~ LosferWords

Posts: 1857 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Oregon
♀ 33806
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 10:20 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am forced to get my ducks in a row for D while having WH in my face and underfoot!


Do you own the home too ?

To have the law on my side in a physical separation from my WH, I have to file for divorce and have him served..We are both joint owners of this house that he refuses to leave.

Some times it takes extreme measures such as filing for divorce and getting law enforcement assistance to evict... Afterwards one must change the locks and take all measures possible to eliminate stalking or harassment..

In my case, nothing short of officially filing for divorce and having the police come and light a load of dynamite under my WH's ass will get him to leave the house..

I would rather move and start a new life in a new place after assuring that my rights and finances are protected..

I totally understand your frustration


[This message edited by doggiediva at 10:25 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday)]

Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

60 years young..

Posts: 3929 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Texas
♀ 33806
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 10:29 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ohhhh..Tread, such an awesome idea to put shrimp in the curtain rods...Or plant a dead mouse in the tank of the toilet of WS's bathroom

Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

60 years young..

Posts: 3929 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Texas
Topic Posts: 16

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