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regrettingitall posted 7/21/2013 22:06 PM

Today I was thinking, wow, my H has made some progress. He cuddled with me in his sleep, he always kissed my forehead goodbye in the morning, even tells me he misses me. I think, things are looking up!

Boom. Then 5 o'clock hits. He's drinking with work boys, I fall asleep for twenty minutes and wake up to...
H: must be blowing some dude.
Me: :( nope just napping and waiting for you.
H: cop out
Me: how?
H: I called you out and your response doesn't change.
Me: you really think I'm out doing that?
H: yes. This is your fault. You need to find someone else.
Me: I'm so sorry but you asked me to ignore you because you're hammered, but I'm listening and we can talk more about this tomorrow.
H: ok. I'm sleeping here
Me: ok, I love you, let me know when you're safe.
H:(after a half hour pause) thank you babe

Ok, first, he's drunk and told me to not listen to him... but our the how he really feels?
Did I handle my responses well enough?

I feel so devastated and ashamed of myself.

[This message edited by regrettingitall at 10:07 PM, July 21st (Sunday)]

knightsbff posted 7/21/2013 22:19 PM

I thinking either party getting drunk can be rough on R.

When my H is able to honestly talk with me he shares that he still has similar thoughts/fears as those expressed by your BH. He says he doesn't air them because he feels it does no good. He sees me working hard and doesn't want to set me/us back.

I think this is part of the rollercoaster especially close to dday. You handled your responses well.

Taking positive steps to improve/heal yourself will help with the shame.

Stillkicking posted 7/21/2013 22:43 PM

I think you did we'll in your response.

I know that I had a couple meltdowns while being drunk after dday, and we are still here and R is going fairly good, some low spots but mostly good.

I think booze does act to help people say what is on their minds, however it conveys it in the wrong way and fuels the anger side of it and the message gets lost. I assume you are still fairly close to DDay, and his pain is still at a 10, don't expect that to change for a while, he will be so far up and so far down within the matter of minutes, thats the rollercoaster. The cuddling and kissing I am guessing are a part of HB, enjoy those moments and cherish them. Use them as fuel to keep you going when the times get rough, because they will.

Keep your head up, keep posting and keep moving forward, good luck.

[This message edited by Stillkicking at 10:46 PM, July 21st (Sunday)]

Jrazz posted 7/22/2013 00:25 AM

I remember lashing out at FWH like this in the beginning. His steady and compassionate responses would calm me down.

I have to ask - why were you napping at 5pm? This early into R, if you're apart he's going to trigger wondering what you're doing, and the sooner you can text him back the better. Twenty minutes can feel like a lifetime, and there's almost no way to prove what you're doing while not responding, even if it's completely innocent. The mind just goes to the worst place, I'm afraid.

Keep up the good work. You responded well. It's not ok for him to talk to you like this, but it happens a lot in the beginning. As you show him you're being trustworthy, he will hopefully back off of the hurtful words.

Unagie posted 7/22/2013 01:48 AM

I agree immediate responses are best. I don't agree with it being okay for him to get drunk and say these things. Things he knew would come out because he told you to ignore him when he's drunk. I also don't see the nap as a huge thing although having your phone on max volume to wake you up is a good idea. For a few months after DDay there were weeks where I'd get an hour of sleep a day and I'd fallen asleep for a few minutes at odd times due to lack of sleep. Hell it still happens sometimes but my phone is always right next to my head if it happens and he's not home.

regrettingitall posted 7/22/2013 05:58 AM

Thanks for your responses.

I have to ask - why were you napping at 5pm?

I've been struggling with sleeping ever since dday, and I've always been a napper. He usually understand but the lull in conversation definitely was his trigger. The alcohol is something I try to avoid. The first time H told me how he really felt was when he was trashed and just opened up on me. I was left in puddle, a weeping heap on the ground. I never cried so hard in my life. He's been kinder since then but last night shook me hard.

My H hasn't told anyone about the A. He was too embarrassed. Last night, he told me to find someone else. It made me wonder if he was talking to the guys and that was the consensus, f*ck the whore. Could he have finally told them? Now I feel too ashamed to be around his friends. It's there a way to ask my H if it came up? He is texting me now, after spending the night at his buddy's. He seems alright, no residual anger yet....

hatefulnow posted 7/22/2013 08:03 AM

I feel the key to a healthy relationship is respect. That also translate into honesty. If you're not honest with someone it is disrespectful. You have the responsibility to be honest with your husband and the RIGHT to receive honesty in return. If he has told others of your affair, you have the right to know. If you don't feel comfortable with people knowing, let him know. It's important for reconciliation. This is a fight to the death. You have to have each other's backs.

When I learned of what my wife had done and the extent of it, I was the most unconscionable prick you could imagine. I was toxic, contaminating everyone and everything around me with my venom. It's where I was on this journey. It was counter productive, but was the result of me not getting in touch with my feelings in a positive way. I was hurt and I made her hurt too. I'm hoping you'll avoid crap we went through and the way is complete but compassionate honesty.

Losttransport posted 7/22/2013 08:09 AM

I understand about not hearing your phone. I work 12 hour shifts at night and my phone doesn't even BEGIN to budge me for text notifications when I'm asleep. My family knows to just call. I just wanted to say I think you responded well.

Later posted 7/22/2013 08:42 AM

My opinion.

He is hurting and trying to find a way to deal with that. What he says is not necessarily how he feels. It's kinda like punching a wall -- there is nothing rational about it.

Having said that, it sounds like he is ambivalent about R.

Finally, I hate to say it but he has likely told one or more of his friends. I am just basing that off of my own experience. I wish I had not, but in the immediate aftermath of discovery reconciliation was far from my mind. I sure as hell did not feel an obligation to become a party to the cover up.

Unagie posted 7/22/2013 09:16 AM

1. Alcohol and recovery from trauma are a bad idea. If he unleashes only when drunk that is not healthy.

2. Others may disagree because you are close to DDay but I agree honesty and open communication is necessary from both parties to R. If not you will be stuck in oh so lovely land of rugsweeping and limbo (it's where I currently am).

3. While I understand he got drunk last night I do not understand why he didn't come home unless you're okay with that and it's something he does.

4. You may want to see a doctor about sleeping aids. I don't have experience with them and my sleep schedule is still a mess but maybe they can help you. It was my personal choice to not take meds but I wish I had changed my mind on the sleeping pills. I hope it gets better.

regrettingitall posted 7/22/2013 12:00 PM

@Later, hr has told one friend who is out of state. He said he was too embarrassed to tell anyone here. I asked him if how he's feeling changed this morning and he said, "it us what it is" but definitely not as angry as he was. I asked if he was talking about it with his buddies and he said, "no, I was just thinking about things."

I'm just hoping that the bad days get fewer and farther between. I asked if he felt like walking away, he said he felt like I had pushed him right out the door. I'm trying so hard to R but he never seems to care if we are working on it or not. He is just too wounded to think about the future. He did tell me once that if he was tired of trying, he'd tell me. So I guess I'll keep pushing forward until he tells me to stop. Probably not even then, I'll always fight for him. I can't believe I made such a stupid mistake.

regrettingitall posted 7/22/2013 12:04 PM

@unagie, so I'm not really "ok" with him not coming home but he was drunk, out late, and had a safe place to sleep (at his boss'). I'd prefer picking him up but he didn't really give me the choice. And I agree, alcohol isn't making the situation any better but I don't know how to tell him that.

Later posted 7/22/2013 12:15 PM

Regretting, I am about a month ahead of you guys and if he is anything like I am he is struggling with the fact that he can't anger his way to a better past. It's irrational, but it really is difficult to know that no matter what you say or do this is reality.

And a friendly tip, you may not want to use the term "mistake" in front of him. I can't say what will make him feel better, but it pisses me off to no end when my fWW uses mistake to describe the A. I mean, I am glad to know that she regrets the A, but it just feels like that term trivializes it. (I can tell that is not your intent, BTW).

regrettingitall posted 7/22/2013 16:52 PM

I realized his frustration with similar terms, so I need to remember to be very careful and understanding. I am meeting him for dinner out. First time I've. Seen hun since before the drunken outpouring. I just want that progress back...

Spideysense posted 7/24/2013 14:41 PM

First @Later-my BH has said the same thing to me, I initially used mistake I did not think I was trivializing it, I did not say it was jsut a mistake, but mistake is how I described it. My BH HATED it, it made him angry, he would tell me a mistake is having too much to drink, bouncing a check, forgetting to pick up kiddo, repeatedly sleeping with another man, lying to me for years, etc, that isnt a mistake. I have since stopped referring to it that way, but thank you for your explanation, it helps.

to OP, i will tell you that my H is exactly like that. He does not want to tlak about my A or us or anything, he wants to jsut go about life-rugsweep-not face the tough stuff...UNTIL he starts drinking, and then like clockwork all the mean things come out, I witness all of his hurt and his pain. He says things to me about hope whoever you are out with is worth it (while I am at home with our kids), maybe you should jsut go to your boyfriend, etc. I know him well enough to jsut respond calmly, when he says he hopes whoever im out with is worth it, i send a current picture of something in our house (so he can verify i jsut took the pic) and i send it to him with a message that i am not out i am at home with our kids.
i have told him that i cannot handle this i cannot handle him "pretending" taht we are getting better that he is healing that i am healing until he starts drinking and then it all comes out. he has told me that he only feels safe talking to me when hes drinking, because he avoids conflict in general, because he doesnt want to feel vulnerable, etc. I have worked to make him feel safe talking to me. he still drinks and says mean things. back to the drawing board and we keep trying, however as time goes on i have learned more (thank you SI)and it is not ok for him to behave like that. I know he is hurting, i know he has difficulty communicating, i know what is my fault, but if he continues to refuse to open up to me, if he refuses to go talk to someone about it, etc something has to give doesnt it?
side note- my H has told nobody about my A, we do have very close friends/neighbors that now because they have gone through it and I told them so my h knows he can talk to that H however, my H did not tell anyone, believe your H when he says no they werent talking about he was just thinking about things that is true. thats all they do is think about it, non-stop, its ok, its part of the process. Also keep in mind that he was probably triggered, whether it be on of the buddies was talking about cheating/A etc. or whether he was jsut thinking, the last time i went out with the buddies she met up with OM, or whatever, he was triggered. he didnt handle his trigger in the best means, but thats what happened.
your responses were good.

regrettingitall posted 7/24/2013 16:43 PM

Thanks spidey, your response hit home on many levels. My H is very similar, but he WILL text about the A. I will be feeling better about things, had a bunch of time together that goes well, and then here goes the text about me wrecking things, or that my I love yous are just out of guilt, or that we'll never be able to fix things. Those are the things that kick my ass, knock me over, and send me to a tearful heap. I wish I could get him to be more open with me, in person. Every once and a while, he'll make a comment like, "week I bet his girlfriend didn't blow some guy" or some other hurtful "joke." But at least he is talking to me, and we are still only eight weeks out.

And I did send him a picture of me in bed, said I was waiting for him, but he was too drunk to say anything except "F U"

I wanted to talk to him tonight about NC, now that things have been arranged at work for the OP to be transferred. I'm just not sure how to bring it up. He's definitely a under-the-rug sweeper and the mere mention will most likely change the mood of the evening.

Spideysense posted 7/24/2013 17:36 PM

oh regretting...i know i know i know (and i cant say that often) H will text me like there is tomorrow, i mean five texts long texts in a row talking to me but he will not actually "talk" to me. Now, he doesnt text me really about the A, not usually, but in the beginning, i would text i love you and he would respond back i wish i believed that and then it would snowball from there with his hurt and damaged pride etc. but he would NEVER say those things to my face..only via texts..hell when he busted me, he did that via text too. when we are at home, it is life as normal, cook dinner, sit next to me, have sex, etc. anything to not bring up the A so i would get lulled into ok we are improving until a night i never thought this was a good idea because i know him, as mush as it hurt, i wanted to hash it out, i didnt want to rugsweep, while i will be eternally grateful that he was willing to stay with me and let me fix it, i wanted to fix it all and that involved communication which he was not or is nto willing to do very easily.

I will tell you that it got much worse before it got any better for US however it did get better for me myself as a person, i started IC, i was able to really discuss my behaviors and the IC made me figure out some tough stuff and i am grateful. but for US it got much worse before it got better, instead of opening up to me and sharing his hurt with me and letting me do what i promised to do which was to support him through his healing..he turned to someone else, but i dont want to hijack your thread with that drama.
Please continue to take care of yourself. I may have missed this but is your BH willing to go to counseling? My H attended two sessions with me after his dday, none before, he isnt a fan of counseling but i have to think it would have helped us had we started going right off the bat.

numb&dumb posted 7/26/2013 10:56 AM

One thing I will offer is that some men do not have the same ability as others when it comes to discussing their feelings or even the M.

Some men (like me) were raised that anger is the only acceptable emotion to display outwardly. Anything else is weakness. So while he may be showing more motion that he would in the past, he still isn't comfortable or does not have know how to do so. This does not come naturally for some men.

Alcohol is never a solution, but I know of some friends of mine that will suddenly act like a open book if they have a drink in them. I have others who try to numb their pain by drinking it away (I went through a period of that myself). At the end of the day drinking creates more problems and does nothing to help him get better. If you have read not just friends (if you haven't I would read it) it talks about the transfer of vigilance. I think that is what is needed her.

My take on what he said is that there is a lot of smoke, but there is also some fire.

He has a lot of fear which he is choosing to display as anger. I think you may need to get through that anger to the root of this fear. Anger is secondary emotion.

I would suggest you take some time when you know you aren't going to be interrupted, sit him down and explain how much it pains you to see him like this. (Sample suggestion the main point is that you care deeply about his feelings and your main concern is him) Explain that it is a traumatic event and it is OK to feel however he feels about it. Clearly tell him you aren't going to judge him, D him or walk away for whatever he has to say. You are dedicated to seeing this through whatever outcome. You aim to help him recover and that is it. You see he is in pain and hopes that he will share a little to lighten his burden. It is something you take ownership of, etc.

This won't be an easy convo, but keep at it and keep trying. Once you get through the "wall" you may see some pretty negative things and it obviously isn't going to make you feel very good either. You have to go through the pain to get to a better place.

Just my suggestion. He has to deal with this or it will deal with him. Only dealing with this while drinking is not going to "helpful" approach for either of you.

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