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Betrayed07 posted 7/22/2013 06:19 AM

This may sound weird, but I am only a month from Dday and I don't know what more questions I should be asking.

WH had PA w/ coworker in his office over a period of a few months. Unfortunately, we can't afford counseling so have been reading, reading, reading. WH seems remorseful and is doing everything right. He is ashamed, embarrassed, initiated NC on Dday himself, and is a different man than he has been the past few months. (fyi-married 11 yrs, 2 kids)

I keep reading about everyone continuing to ask questions. What questions do you ask? I know who it was, when it happened, where, etc. Why? Not that I am excusing him in any way, but we were in a rut in our marriage – like roommates. He was weak, stupid, selfish, etc. Am I in pain? Of course! Do I trigger? Of course! He knows when I'm triggering – can see it in my face. I have nothing to ask or say, though, I am just sad and he comforts me.

He moved to another location with his job and we are moving. Its going to be a fresh start that we are both very happy about. One thing that has hit home that I've read is that obsessing about the past isn't going to change it or make it any better. I know I have a right to think about it, process it, and not rugsweep, but I don't want to keep replaying it over and over in my head. Another was about focusing on the present and not what the future may hold. Am I worried about our future? Yes. Do I trust him yet? Of course, not! But presently, he is making the effort and we haven't been this affectionate and loving in years.

Does my situation seem normal? What questions do you continue to ask? Thanks.

PrincessPeach06 posted 7/22/2013 06:46 AM

I am only a couple months out but I still ask questions as they pop into my head. I don't think there are any "right" questions, just what you feel you need to ask to process and move on.

I have found that once the initial loving feelings start to fade there will be sadness then anger (mine was first at OW then WS). Now I'm not as sad or angry but more confused like how do I gain back years of trust and honestly who is this man I married!?!?

I'm sure everyone is different, that is just what I'm going through right now. Sorry you have to deal with this.

struggling3 posted 7/22/2013 07:30 AM

It sounds to me like the two of you are doing many things to move in the right direction. Remember that everybody had their own path and way of healing. Don't feel that you need to be doing what everybody else does. If you feel there are no more questions to be answered about the affair...so be it. Keep communicating though..don't just rugsweep. There will undoubtedly be very tough days ahead for you. Good luck to you both as you work to put this mess in your past.

musiclovingmom posted 7/22/2013 08:03 AM

I asked a bunch of questions in the first few days. Then, I didn't really talk about it much until the 6 month mark. It's been 5 months since then and I still have new questions pop into my head every single day. Sometimes they're an old question asked a different way. Talk when you need to. Ask what you need to when you need to. Hopefully your H will understand that 'taking a break' doesn't mean 'we're over this'.

sisoon posted 7/22/2013 11:04 AM

We all have to find our own path to healing. If your questions have been answered to your satisfaction, well, you're the only possible judge of that.

I do encourage you to give yourself permission to ask questions in the future if you feel a desire. That's because, IM, the point of the questions is to be honest with your partner - being willing to answer and actually answering honestly is way, way more important that the actual content of the answer, so if you're afraid to ask a question, something is going wrong.

Also, by moving and starting a new job, you're adding tremendous stress to your lives on top of stress of the A - make sure you nurture yourselves and each other.

ItsaClimb posted 7/22/2013 11:19 AM

I find the questions, the emotions, everything comes in waves. You will find you just have to go with the flow.

One month is still very early out, you will no doubt have more questions and many, many more emotions hitting you in the next few months. It takes time, hang in there.

bionicgal posted 7/22/2013 15:30 PM

We are kind of on the same timeline. My husband filled in most of the details, and I, too, have stopped asking questions so much. I am sure I'll have more, but I think I am processing the info I have right now.

I do find that info comes out - little bits of conversations they had, etc. which can be very painful. One ruined a really nice night the other night. So, I am not under an illusion that the need for info is over, but it takes time to process the info once it comes.

We are also in a fairly good spot, all things considered. Painful, but moving forward, knock on wood.

Rebreather posted 7/22/2013 16:51 PM

There were a lot of questions I asked down the road, that never occured to me early on. Some I asked over and over again, searching for the truth and consistency.

I didn't think in the early days to ask if he ever met any of her family (yes), or the time they hooked up at a conference, who his roommate was so I'd know who might have had suspicions, or how they GOT to that conference (he drove her), or about this time or that time I was out of town and he went "missing", etc. My husband's affair last about a year and a half. That's a lot of time for me to recreate in my head. "oh, when you said you were at X location, were you really at y?" It mattered to me because in order to recreate my history, I had to have the truth and details about what really happened. The time he missed an important medical appointment of mine, was he with her? That kind of stuff.

I very much think there can be an early "honeymoon" stage in recovery. For people who haven't been communicating or connecting in some time, this early period can be very intense. My experience is that it will fade. You will reach a new and different stage of anger, then a flatness will overcome you. It takes a long time to heal from this kind of betrayal. Just allow yourself to live the peaks and the valleys.

HardenMyHeart posted 7/22/2013 17:15 PM

Here is a link to a good article titled:
10 Questions to Ask Your Unfaithful Spouse By Shirley P. Glass
http://www.ivillage.com/10-questions-ask-your-unfaithful-spouse/6-a-126599

I also strongly recommend you read Dr. Glass' book, Not "Just Friends".

AFrayedKnot posted 7/22/2013 17:18 PM

being willing to answer and actually answering honestly is way, way more important that the actual content of the answer

CatchyUsername posted 7/23/2013 05:33 AM

I, unlike others, do not ask the same questions over and over. I am always thinking of new ones - nuances building on previous answers. We are 3 months out. Why do I do it? For a few reasons:

a) genuine need to know what actually happened. Our MC says for some BSs it is important to feel that they have at least as much info as the AP.
b) I want to check his level of commitment based on his willingness to answer
c) I want to torture WH

It is always a combination of these 3 any time I ask questions. When they lean more towards C it gets ugly.

The questions themselves? Normally "how did this happen" kinds of questions. Like "How did you end up in her hotel room?" Or "when was this trip planned". Sometimes sex questions like "did you have sex in your car" "did you ever kiss her in a restaurant"

Betrayed07 posted 7/23/2013 05:34 AM

Thanks for all your replies. I think the reason there aren't many questions for me is that I truly believe the A was purely physical. WH is very sexual (I am not, which was a huge part of our marital problems) and she was just a piece. I don't think this was an EA. OW H cheated on her and she was getting back at him. WH and OW would f in his office which is in a secluded part of the building.

I haven't gotten any vibes that he misses her or cared about her at all. I didn't even have time to ask for NC, he did it himself on Dday right away. He said he felt a tremendous relief that it was over. He is glad he got moved to another location (where he shares an office btw!)

I guess there is nothing to do, but go along for the ride and see what comes up. Not looking forward to it. Its hard b/c we can't afford counseling and I have not told anyone for fear of judgement. SI is actually my only outlet right now. Thanks for listening.