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BF checking out 'hookup' sites

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CarlisleW posted 7/22/2013 08:39 AM

I have been a lurker on your site for a short while, and I’m not sure if my problem really belongs here – as I have only been with my partner a few months/ if I’m jumping the gun/being paranoid but I needed to get it off my chest and get some advice (although I feel like my situation is so minor and petty compared to the horrible things the rest of you have been through)...sorry it’s a bit long as I’ve put in some background.

My BF and I started going out at the end of Jan ’13 after meeting on an online dating site. We got along famously and he seemed a decent man. He is 43, never married but has a 17 yo DD from a previous relationship that ended 15 years ago. I am 36, never married and no kids. He used to be an extremely fit man – he swam competitively for our country – but following a motorcycle accident a few years before we met and diabetes he now has quite a few physical ailments.

We don’t live together, he currently lives with his parents as they are unwell and he helps care for them, but he has always been very open that by the end of the year he would like us to live together and get engaged. He is very loving and often tells me he loves me/asks if I love him. He told me that his last relationship was over 5 years before meeting me and in that time he was not sexually active, because she hurt him so much he didn’t want to get close to anyone.

When we were first getting to know each other we discussed previous relationships and we found out that both of us have been cheated on previously – he has actually caught more than one of his exes in the act, whereas with mine I found text/email evidence. So we had a discussion of what we find acceptable in a relationship, he told me he frowns on flirting with members of the opposite sex at all if you are in a relationship – he said it is disrespectful. I said that not only is there face-to-face flirting but there is also flirting by text/email and I find that JUST as disrespectful. We both said that if we were not satisfied with any element of the relationship or wanted to end things we would just be upfront and talk about it – NOT happily go off shagging other people.

Anyway, fast-forward to now, my gut has been telling me that something is up, so I checked his iPhone (I know that some people would frown on that because it is breaking his trust) and lo and behold last Monday he registered with a ‘hookup’ dating site – you can tell the sort of site as it has ‘Sluts’ in the title! He has added multiple ‘Favourites’ (all of them added while he was talking to me on our daily evening phone call : on this site although he has not sent messages to any of them or read any of the messages they have since sent him (but it doesn’t look like he had logged on since the Monday – I discovered this site on the Saturday).

I haven’t confronted him, but I referred to a previous conversation we had had about one of my friends finding out that her fiancé had been active on an online dating site (by active I mean has logged on/sent messages) and I said that if it were me I would just make screen shots of all the evidence and give it to the ‘cheater’ telling them it was over, no shouting, no asking for answers just end it cold turkey. BF got very quiet and a while later when I asked him what the matter was he said that he was worried I’d leave him for a younger, fitter man (who didn’t have the physical problems he has – he always says he feels like he is a disappointment to me in bed despite my trying to comfort him that this is not the case).

Part of me thinks he has done this out of some sort of need for validation – but as his photo isn’t on the site I don’t see what they are validating – and as he hasn’t actually contacted any of these women maybe he was just curious, but then it was only Monday that he joined. So I’m thinking do I wait a little while and see if he logs on to it again/adds more favourites/messages any of these ‘sluts’ OR do I just print off all the evidence now and end things – I know that when I confront him he is going to be pissed that I checked his phone/email and (from experience with my ex) say that he was just doing it to see if I was checking up on him. I really do care about this man and thought we had a future but I don’t want to waste my time on someone who is going to behave like this. Basically I think I want to catch things before I become a BGF!

[This message edited by CarlisleW at 8:40 AM, July 22nd (Monday)]

confused615 posted 7/22/2013 09:20 AM

Having a profile on one of those sites already makes you a BGF. Im sorry,but he's cheating.


sunflowergirl30 posted 7/22/2013 09:37 AM

His behavior is cheating behavior. What he is doing is disrespectful to you. I am not preaching nor giving 2x4's. I am the last person to be doing that. You and I are the same age BUT i have two teenagers and have been married for almost 17 yrs.

You cannot fix this man. He is showing you glimpses of who he really is.

You are obviously a caring and good person.

Don't minimize your situation!

There is no meter on SI over who has it worse.

He is on the path and your going along for the ride. Its a bumpy, miserable journey!

Thats all I can say

solus sto posted 7/22/2013 09:42 AM

(((Carlisle))) "Need for validation" or not, cruising hookup sites is cheating.

As hard as it is to hear, I would not be surprised if you were to learn that there is much more going on than exchanging PMs, email, or texts. People use those (usually paid) sites to meet people, usually for sex.

I'm really sorry. You're already a BGF. But you're also only a few months into a relationship with a man throwing up HUGE RED FLAGS.

You can't fix him. You can't change him.

Can you accept him just the way he is? Because really, that's all you have to go on.

[This message edited by solus sto at 9:45 AM, July 22nd (Monday)]

Snapdragon posted 7/22/2013 14:13 PM

I know that when I confront him he is going to be pissed that I checked his phone/email and (from experience with my ex) say that he was just doing it to see if I was checking up on him.

If he gets mad that you checked his phone then that's too damn bad. My ex was furious that I went through his wallet, credit card statements, and bank statements. Too bad. F him.

If he says it was as setup to see if you are checking up on him then that there is reason enough (to me) to kick him to the curb.

I'm sorry you had to come here. He sounds like a mess you can't fix. I wonder if those exes that he claims to have caught in the act of cheating weren't really HIM and HE was the one caught.

redvixen posted 7/22/2013 18:58 PM

Call it quits and cut your losses. I'm serious. It's too early in a relationship to have all these red flags/suspicious behavior. (Apologies to all the decent men over forty out there, but in my opinion/and experience, a man over 40,never married, years since a long term relationship = something really wrong with him. I had an XSO who claimed his ex GFs didn't trust him for no reason or there was a small breach of trust on his part but he realized the error of his ways blah blah blah..until he did something one night that made me 96% certain he cheated on me and I ended the relationship. And he had hinted at marriage as well.

You have too much kindness in you and too much life ahead to waste it on someone so untrustworthy.

Mousse242 posted 7/22/2013 20:13 PM

You've been together for barely six months. Run away from this one. Look at yourself and figure out why you would even consider staying with someone who disrespects you so early into a relationship like this.

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