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one month after dday and getting a divorce

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Hasslesmom posted 7/22/2013 09:17 AM

well i found out a month ago saturday that my husband married 7 been together 10, who is 39 has been having an affair with a 21 year old subordinate at his job. at first he couldnt believe i was willing to work things out and he said he wanted to do the right thing and work it out with me. he broke it off with 21 year old. they had been seeing each other for 6 weeks. i have confirmed the timeline with him, her and phone records. anyway we start going to marriage counseling and i thought all was well. anyway, he says that he is not happy and doesnt think its fair to me that his heart isnt all the way in our relationship. so now i am looking at a divorce. when i ask him when he became unhappy how convenient to find out that it was when his affair began. its just so hard to believe after all of this as we had no problems in our marriage, we did everything together had great sex, were best friends. anyway he has said that he and her really had no serious conversations, really have never hung out other than to screw so it is so hard for me to believe that this could actually be over between him and i. he says that he doesnt even know that him and her will start to see each other after the divorce. that he doesnt deserve me, that he has destroyed everything. anywho, we are going to try and keep lawyers out of it but i am going to see one anyway just to cover my ass. i have 3 children from a previous marriage and their dad is also going through a divorce. so their world has been completely turned upside down also. this sucks MAJOR balls. any suggestions or advice?

PhantomLimb posted 7/22/2013 09:21 AM


I'm new here myself (found out about 3 mos ago)-- but just wanted to tell you I'm so sorry about what you're going through. Mine basically said/did all of the same things. It's hard to understand and hard to take.

Why they throw away what they have with someone who has loved them as much and as long as we have... for someone they basically just met and hardly know... is beyond me.

The only "advice" I can offer at this stage is that this may just be the tip of the iceberg of what is going on with him (he sounds all over the place), so be prepared for that. And if he's that wimpy and disordered about the whole thing, you may be well-served by taking a major step back and letting him live with his choices.

freshstart78 posted 7/22/2013 09:50 AM

I'm so sorry that u are going thru this. Ive been on this rollarcoaster for over 2 yrs. I took on so much guilt and did stupid crazy things over my STBXWH.....I hit rock bottom.....we r in beginning stages of that I totally accept....doesn't mean I'm not sad or don't miss the person I thought he was.....I just know....from his actions after DDAY that even tho I love him...still...after all the terrible things he did, said, etc...that I could never fully trust him again....and that I deserve someone better than him....someone that if they hurt me, they would do everything and ANYTHING as long as it took, to make it up to me...that doesn't run when things get hard or when I'm not always loveable. Someone who would fight for our love. My STBXWH is not that man...his actions for the last 2 yrs has shown me that. If he is giving up do easily pls don't ignore that.....he is showing u who he really is. Pls don't let him jerk u around...this is hard enough to recover from....if he is not doing what u need him to do to! !!!! We were also doing divorce ourselves. I agree 150% with, see a lawyer anyways and educate urself..empower ur dark alone moments reach out to God or whom ever u feel comfortable what u need to do FOR U.....I hope if divorce is the way u go, u guys can do it without lawyers....I found out news Friday my STBXWH was back on with affair woman....I had a lot of " light bulb" moments the last 48 hrs seeing all his new lies and manipulations. I contacted him and said pls have me longer wish to sit down face to face with u....well he is beyond pissed...trying all kinds of threats and manipulations that use to work on me....they now work no more.....ive reached my limit and am no longer about his feeling...I'm about mine. Good luck to u and I will pray that u can find some peace no matter what happens. Never matter will be ok...peace to u

Hasslesmom posted 7/22/2013 11:33 AM

thanks soo much phantomlimb and freshstart78. i was trying to let him stay in our home, but i have told him to start looking hard to find a place of his own so that my children and i can start over and get started healing and get a routine down.i am going to continue going to my counsilor and will start taking my children also. i dont know how long it takes to get to the pissed off stage but i think i am here!! lol i feel so blessed to have found this website even though the reason i am here is horrible. i have got to learn that he is not my best friend. i still find myself wanting to call or text him anytime something good, bad, funny, sad happens but i must learn to forget about doing that shit and rely on my family and friends as i try to heal from this disaster...unlearning is a bitch!!

Sad in AZ posted 7/22/2013 12:39 PM

I'm sorry you're in this position; it does suck. Have you read about the 180? Here is a good article from the Healing Library to read regarding it:

I know it's all happening very quickly, but you are smart to realize you cannot change him; you can only change the way you react to him.

Get a good attorney, and good luck.

dmari posted 7/22/2013 12:57 PM

I am so sorry that you are here but rest assured, this is THE best support group. Please read read read here and the articles in the healing library. Also post as much as you feel like. You are in the early stages and it is such a confusing time. The roller coaster's up and downs were the worst for me in the beginning.

I could have said a lot of what you shared in your post. It doesn't matter when he became "unhappy". Who isn't unhappy once in a while in their lives??? Your WS has extremely poor coping skills and boundaries and lacks courage and integrity. You offered him the GIFT of reconciliation and he turned it down.

If she is his subordinate, I'm sure this will get them in to a lot of trouble. Just saying.

Now you need to focus all your energy on YOU. Ok? Make sure you are drinking enough fluids, eating healthy, continue therapy, see your doctor if you are experiencing difficulty sleeping, depression, anxiety, etc. See an attorney so that you receive what you are entitled to. Focus on taking care of your needs, process all the shitty emotions that are happening so that you can heal and rebuild and move forward. You CAN do this!

P.S. I have a link below that you might want to check out.

momentintime posted 7/22/2013 13:05 PM

He needs to go. He needs to see his life without you and your children. He needs to have consequences for his actions. If he starts coming around, still take your time before allowing him back.

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