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is it too early?

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sunsetslost posted 7/22/2013 09:23 AM

I have a scheduled meeting with my WS this afternoon. After almost 8 years of marriage and 10 together I found out 9 days ago she is seeing somebody. The marriage wasn't perfect, none are but I never thought this person would do this to me.

She claims this person is "fun" and a "distraction".
I don't think she actually loves him but I don't think she intends to break it off. She hasn't stayed at the house all week, and came and went all weekend. She has made no effort to hide where she is going, almost throwing it in my face. We had a few early pointless conversations, and I tried to "nice guy" her back. Thanks to SI I have come to a couple of conclusions: She is in the fog all the way. She is in denial and has told everybody her marriage is ending, but nobody knows why. Even her parents have no idea. I assume they think I was the offender, though I have not had contact with them.

I told her I'd give her a week and today's the day. I don't know what to expect. I need to hear it from her mouth that she wants it to be over. I have a place to go and I know I must keep moving forward for myself. This place I can go is a dream come true (for the both of us if she had not strayed). But it has an expiration date. If I move forward and we sell our house and I move away, I fear she will see it as abandonment and push her further away. If I stay and lose this place and her ultimately I don't think I can come back from it. I know one thing. I can't stay in our current city. With or without her. Too many reminders. And if she is committed to reconcile she has to be willing to give our marriage the best possible chance. I guess I have to be ready for her answer. I just hope it's not too early and I ruin any chance by leaving town. I just don't have time. The landing spot is a 3 BR 2.5 BA condo nine miles from the Gulf of Mexico. It is rent free. A family member is giving it to me. Rent free. I'll have more of a clear answer tonight after we talk. If she says to buzz off then I have to take it at face value. I have to look out for myself.

Any feedback would be great.

1Faith posted 7/22/2013 09:32 AM

Dear Sunset

First, I would say go in with your own set our requirements for reconciliation.

Do not allow her to call all the shots.

1. NC immediately with AP

2. IC for her and for you. Eventually MC.

3. Full transparency of what has occurred and why she feels it was the path to choose vs. being honest with you about concerns with the marriage. You are correct, there is no perfect marriage.

If you truly want to try and make your marriage work, be honest with her about this but state that she can't be with you and the OM.

Tell her you love her but you are willing to let her go if that is what she wants.

Sometimes you have to be willing to lose the marriage in order to save it.

She is in the fog and right now there are zero consequences to her selfish behavior.

Let her know that you don't intend to be malicious but you will let friends and family know that she chose to end the marriage because of another man. (Sometimes this will shock them a bit b/c they don't want to be perceived as the "bad" person).

Take care and stay strong.

Sending healthy hugs and prayers.

mepe27 posted 7/22/2013 13:08 PM

I agree with 1faith 100%. My guess is she won't come right out and say she wants to end the marriage, I don't see why she would, she doesn't have to make a choice right now.
My H was in the fog for many months and it wasn't until I stopped trying to get him to agree/stay/commit etc and just said "I'm done" that anything changed. Personally I would go with your FL option, b/c if she doesn't come out of the fog and continues down this path you will be resentful and rightfully so. If she wakes up and is willing to do the work and then you guys can decide what the next step is, but until she commits and follows thru on the list 1Faith gave you( words mean nothing at this point your WW has to actually do those things ) I don't see that she is offering you anything to stay for. I'm sorry for what you are going thru dealing with a foggy crazy person is unbearable.

tushnurse posted 7/22/2013 14:19 PM

You really are in the drivers seat at this point. If you can accept the fact that what she did and is doing is her choice, and you have zero control over it.

You can calmly sit her down and say here are my requirements of R. Your current behavior is unacceptable. You flaunting this, is simply abusive, and I will not be your doormat or second choice.

She has shown no inkling of wanting to stop, or save the M. I would take the offer. I would also make sure that she no longer gets any financial benefit from you. Make it difficult for her, and make her see what she has to loose. If the OM is married let his wife know ASAP too.

In most cases it does take being willing to loose the M to save it. At the end of the day that is reasonable too. Afterall why would you want to be in a relationship where you are disrespected, and second best. The M you knew sadly is gone. Now it's time to focus on you. If she defogs then you can ultimately change your mind, but if not well you are taking care of you.

Do NOT be afraid of chasing her into OM's arms. She is already there. It sucks, but it is the harsh truth.

((((and strength))))

sunsetslost posted 7/22/2013 23:24 PM

We talked. I saw my parents last night and I'm not too proud to say I wept like a child in my mother's shoulder. I felt pretty good. I ate a meal for the first time in a week.

We (she)has a very sick 12 year old dog. The OP helped her out over the weekend but today, before we talked, she asked me to take him (the dog) from one Vet to the University clinic for overnight observation. We sat for a few hours, didn't talk much. I know she reached out to the OP via text message while we were there in the hallway. I tried my hardest to be distant and unaware of her hurting. When we finally got home I insisted on saying the things I needed to say, acknowledging her personal pain from the sick dog. I really expected her to tell me to shove off and honestly was hoping for it considering my landing spot. I was shocked to hear that she was willing to think about R. I told her the ball was in her court and if she was serious that there would be some major boundaries. She balked at making a decision this evening. In fact, she left for his house. Too painful here, according to her. I know I let her off the hook today but I couldn't let her go through her pain (because of the dog) by herself. I feel used, dirty and like I betrayed all of the amazing advice I've learned here on SI. I just couldn't let her down as a human being seeing another suffer. I did let her know that if she has any hope of R that there will be boundaries and consequences. I just had to let her grieve over her dog before I made her make a decision. For all I know they are at the University clinic right now. So frustrating. I had my first counseling session with a shrink today. Felt good. Thanks

kansas1968 posted 7/23/2013 01:17 AM

Just because you move to your dream location, it does not mean the end of your marriage if she truly loves you. In fact, it may be what she needs to snap her out of the fog that she is still deeply in.
She is the one who cheated, who broke your heart and caused you more pain than any human should have to suffer. You need to do what is best for you at this point and if she wants to communicate by email, phone, etc., then she can do so.
But right now all she is thinking of is herself. She is flaunting her relationship right in your face. Texting when she is with you and still going to his house. If you have a timeline on a perfect set up for you, then go.
If she wants you, she will find a way to follow.
Just be sure and set those boundaries prior to letting her back into your life.
We all know the pain and uncertainty that you are going through, but there really is nothing for you to do but take care of yourself until she is either out of the fog, or makes her decision to divorce you and marry this other guy.
So, so, sorry. Just keep posting and talking to those who love you. Good luck and enjoy those gulf sunsets for all of us!!

canteat posted 7/23/2013 02:32 AM

I am so sorry you find yourself here with us. It's a sucky club to join but it's made up of a lot of awesome members. Just a few observations from reading your post-

She balked at making a decision this evening. In fact, she left for his house. Too painful here, according to her.

There are no conseqences to her actions. Why should she make a decision when she can have both? Being with you is "too painful" or "too real"? It's much easier and fun to live in a fantasy world so she's gonna hang out there as long as she can. You need to make that fantasy world crumble in order for her face reality.

I understand you feeling bad about her situation with the dog (my dog is my baby) but that is just an excuse. When there are tough times in your life-who are you supposed to turn to? Your spouse or OP? She asked you for help but texted him for support while there! WTF?

She is "flaunting" and continuing her A BECAUSE SHE CAN.
You are letting her get away with it. I know how hard this is but the pain is just being prolonged by letting her get away with doing whatever she wants. You don't deserve to be treated that way-and you are the only one that can change it. And you can change it NOW, this instant! You have to put yourself first, stop worring about her feelings and needs and focus on yours.

Have you read about the 180 in the healing library because I think you need to implement the 180 now!

This is all very recent and no final decisions have to be made about D or R at this time. She has a lot to prove if she wants to work on R. But first she needs to have a reality check upside the head and get out of the fog. If it takes moving to show her that you will not tolerate such crap then do it. If she wants to R she can move to be with you, if not at least you are on the path you need to be for YOU!
Good luck and *hugs*

jb3199 posted 7/23/2013 05:36 AM


Canteat and the others have told you the truth that is so difficult for you to see at the moment. I don't want to keep piling on the 2x4s, but:

I was shocked to hear that she was willing to think about R.

There is no more of a classic cake-eating response than this. It keeps you on the hook, because you are desperate to have her back. I get that---I really do. We will hold on to whatever perceive positive shred of hope when we are at our lowest point.

You worry that if you head to Florida, you will push her away for good. What I am asking you is: don't you want a partner that will fight for you? Do you really believe that if you moved....and your wife *woke up*....that she wouldn't go find you?

I am as big an animal lover as anyone. I consider them immediate family. And I know that it hurts when they are ailing. That dog was part of your life for far more effing years than that POS of hers---yet he is in the loop more than you are. That is just another knife in your back. And just because she is grieving, doesn't give her the green light to still jerk you around.

Arrangements should be made right now for Florida. You say yourself that it is a dream opportunity. It could even be a bigger dream if your wife pulls her head out her ass and decides to join you. But it would not be wise to wait for her, because truth be told, she has not done ANYTHING to show you that she is considering R. Besides a bullshit line that she is *considering R*---not one thing.

Sunset, these are the worst times in infidelity. The inability to accept that our spouse is gone...and the fear of the unknown that comes with paralyzing. But this is where you have to find some righteous anger, and channel it properly. Don't be a doormat for one more minute than necessary. Either she is all in, or she is all out.

That should not be something that we should have to beg for from our spouses.

[This message edited by jb3199 at 5:37 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday)]

JH52 posted 7/23/2013 07:00 AM

Looks like you are her Plan B. If you are okay with that stick around -- if NOT move on with your dream. No one can predict the future -- but you deserve to be happy -- and happiness comes from within -- not from some one else. She made her choice and started the affair -- this was her decision 100%.

womaninflux posted 7/23/2013 07:11 AM

Having been on a similar rollercoaster in recent months, I can tell you that you are getting good advice here.

You need to accept that you cannot control anything she does, thinks, etc. She's in a fog...she's not thinking clearly. She won't be able to make any decisions and stick with them until she returns to reality. And even then, anticipate that there will be depression and anger (bc her fantasy life is over and bc she feels guilt and shame). It's hard but do your best to not react.

Also, try to get some counseling from an objective 3rd party.

sunsetslost posted 7/23/2013 08:05 AM

Our biggest hurdle towards separation is selling the house. I told her I was moving forward with that without a doubt. I told her I would not be jerked around. I told her NC means NC. I suggested she find some counseling as she has almost no support and she needs to find out why she is so unhappy, not just unhappy with me. I told her it was up to her if she wanted to talk again. Now with the impending death of her dog I don't know which emotions are for him and which are for us. I am desperately trying to keep my own needs first. Thanks for the advice. I'm learning so much.

Althea posted 7/23/2013 09:34 AM

sunsetlost, I'm so sorry you are going through this. The others are right, she will keep stringing you along as long as you let her. I let it happen it for four months. I would hate to see you do the same.

As BS's we often fear that if we are too hard on our WS he or she will leave us, but the reality is that if they are worth it, they will fight for us. She won't care that you sold the house. She will pack a bag and head to FL with you and thank God you gave her a second chance. If she won't do this, then you deserve better. I know I make this sound simple and the reality is a lot more gut wrenching, but if you can keep it that simple in your mind it helps you to stay the course.

Tell her you are listing the house and leaving. See what happens.

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