After telling me this, she asked how it made me feel. I said it didn't make me as sad as I thought, but gave me a little empty feeling in my chest (I know, too much information to offer up to her).
She suddenly collapsed weeping in my arms. I'm not sure why.
My feelings for her didn't change. I would still never take her back. I still feel a lot of anger and hate deep in my soul. But goddamn it felt good to hold her.
It won't happen again. I promise. Next time she starts to weep and fall toward me, I'll step aside and let her hit the carpet.
Just made myself giggle.
The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous!
I'm sorry you are in this place and that your hurting.
Reading your last two lines, i giggled too.
thank you so much for that
I can see where it would be very difficult to disentangle yourself from her and her antics. It's easy from the outside looking in, but I read a lot of your posts and I truly believe she has emotionally abused you for many years.
I'm happy that you recognize that you need to pull even further away when she tries to lay this drama queen victim bullshit on you. You've come a long way already. Just keep it up and one day, she will realize that you are no longer a participant in the crazy.
suckstobeme, I totally agree with ALMOST everything you said. When I see what some others have gone through on here, I am extremely hesitant to use the word "abuse", but she has definitely fucked with my emotions a hell of a lot.
Thank you for telling me I've made progress. I'm really feeling like I have.
And it's nice to hear someone else call her crazy. She's been capitalizing on my depression, etc. to make me feel like the crazy one. Of course, I am a LITTLE crazy, and willing to admit it.
I still crave that sometimes but I need to remember that the man who just held me because he loved me has been gone a long time.
You have made great progress understanding her very messed up ways and not letting them hurt you. You can be proud of that.
I saw him, I could not unsee him. -StrongButBroken
There came a point when it was too painful to love him, so I stopped.
I think it's abuse. I don't think you're a sucker. I think you've been victimized & traumatized.
^^THIS. It is abuse pass. With a little self-abuse put in for good measure.
It is up to you how painful this needs to get. I think it is painful enough now, don't you?
StrongButBroken and Nature_Girl, maybe you're right. The pain has definitely gone on long enough. I need to take more action.
She is very proud of the fact that we are still "friends". She says only idiots have "unfriendly" divorces. Maybe it's time for me to be an idiot.
She is very proud of the fact that we are still "friends". She says only idiots have "unfriendly" divorces.
Oh yeah I did some foul shit to you but we can still be friends right. We are both adults.
I told her friends don't do what you did to me. Pass, find your "inner asshole" and embrace it. You don't have to change who you are at your core but when people do foul shit to you and have no remorse about it it's okay to choose not to deal with them anymore. If you have kids then kids and finances are the only discussion topics. Anything else gets a blank stare, the I was on my way out line, crickets for response, or good luck I hope that works out for you.
[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 9:03 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)]
She is manipulating you into being friendly with her so as to keep up her ego kibble supply. Of course she doesn't want you to cut her off.
She has breached your boundaries numerous times. You would not allow another to do this now would you.
You are divorcing because she is a lying/cheating/POS. That is not why you need to distance yourself. You don't want to interact with her because she is doing weird, inappropriate and downright cringeworthy things.
It is also delaying/derailing your healing. I don't think you need to do a big announcement about it. Actions not words is relevant to BS's too.
When she tries to breach a boundary you can say "Actually, I'd rather you not [come in/speak like that/discuss those things with me/etc etc.]. You will need to respect my boundaries here as I will respect yours".
She wants to be friends for her benefit - not yours. You wouldn't be friends with a person who pulled half the shit she pulls.
That's the beauty of divorce - we don't have to deal with their bullshit anymore.
Listen, there are all kinds of post divorce relationships. I'm an attorney and have the unfortunate opportunity to witness first hand how ugly some of these situations get. People fighting over every plate and fork and putting the kids in the middle of their hatred. It's toxic, very stressful and very difficult for everyone involved. You don't want that. The big shit sandwich that we are served on a regular basis? Most of us will take a bite in order to avoid this kind of ugliness and not hurt the kids any more.
On the other end of that spectrum are the people who I suppose have found friendship post divorce. Of the few couples I know, there was no infidelity involved. The marriages ended because they were mismatched and could not get along as a couple. Friendship did not occur right after they D though. It took a few years to get to a place where they can chit chat, laugh and be in the same room when necessary for the kids. Again, this is not easy and not something I've seen when the pain and cruelty of infidelity poisoned the marriage.
Then, there is what we strive for - detachment. You can certainly co parent with an ex without being friends. You don't have to be nasty or unreasonable, but you also don't have to give her any more than she deserves. My ex and I? We never talk about anything but the kids. Never. And I don't contact him for little issues. I tell him what he needs to know. That's it. No more, no less. We don't ask how each other is doing and no personal information is ever shared. We are not mean to each other, but he certainly doesn't count as my friend. In the beginning, he was convinced we would always be friends. He was very wrong. This is the way it needs to be for my own emotional health and I won't allow him to ever compromise that again.
Pass, friends don't stomp all over your heart and then eat it for dinner. She is a very messed up woman who somehow feels better about her horrible choices whenever you give her the slightest bit of attention. Stop doing that. It's not your place to make her feel better any more. Grown ups are supposed to face and clean up their own messes.. Her idea of being your friend is not genuine. It's only so she can sleep a wee bit better at night and so the people in her life don't think she's as awful as she really is.
Focus on you, your kids and your real friends who are there to help and listen and give you genuine concern.
Friends? She needs a real lesson in what that word means.
SI helped me get the strength to tell her I wanted a divorce; it helped me get the strength to move out; it helped me get the strength to stop phoning her for comfort. Now I just have to detach a little better.
I can do this.
This will be the third time since March 1 that I've had a weekend to myself. I don't complain because I love hanging out with my boys, but I have been looking forward to my weekend off.
So what does she do? At 8:00 tonight, I received a text from her telling me how the boys are misbehaving - just like she has always done when I have the nerve to enjoy some time to myself.
I wasn't strong enough to give her crickets, but I was happy with my response: Be strong.
And that's all I wrote. No response from her, which is even better.
Now I'm just waiting for 13 to start sending me texts about how nasty she is behaving. I know it will come. She always manages to draw me in somehow.
For the first few months the sad clown would call and put my very upset little girls on the phone crying that they wanted to be with me.
It killed me.
He would call and tell me he was bringing them over because they didn't want to be with him. I took them. They seemed fine. I asked and he had made it all up. To get the day 'off' or to torture me.
I will give you the advice that was given to me.
The more you engage in the crazy the worse they will make it for your kids - they aren't trying to hurt your kids they are trying to hurt you and don't give a shit that it is hurting your kids.
Stop engaging. Stop feeding the crazy.
The last time the sad clown asked me to 'rescue' him I told him he needed to man-the-fuck-up and deal with his kids or he needed to give me more custody. I wasn't going to rescue him anymore.
The bullshit has now stopped. He knows he can't torture me with that shit anymore without me using it to rescue my kids from him permanently. That would not be good for his image as the devoted father so he backed off.
They are normal boys. They have feelings and emotions and they sometimes don't 'behave'. So-the-fuck-what? Parenting is about navigating this stuff. If she doesn't want to be a parent let her know you would be more than happy to alleviate her of that responsibility.
Stop fucking rescuing her dude. She is using it to suck you back in. This shit will escalate as long as you allow it.
I'm not saying it is your fault that she is a shit mother. I am saying that it is NOT your responsibility. Talk to your boys. Crickets for her. If you need to do something about it then talk to your L, their IC - anyone/everyone and find out how you can get your boys out of this toxic situation.
If you can't then you deal with them - not her. You try to help them - not her.
I hate this as much as you do brother - please understand you cannot make her be a good or even a competent mother. Only she can do that. Allowing yourself to be sucked into this does not help you or your boys.
I'll keep monitoring the situation, but not let her drag me in. Nothing I would like better than to eventually have my boys full-time, but I don't want them to go through what would have to happen for that change.
My XH did the same crap in the beginning. When I told him I would take them off his hands IF he gave up custody. Well lets just say he had a spiritual experience. He never again asked to be rescued. I had to help my kids make a bad situation good. Therapist helped them to feel empowered at his house, by giving them strategies to cope. We had a plan if they felt so awful and they NEEDED to come home. I would get them. They've only used that for very severe instances when things got physical between NW and her son. That was many years later. I am their safety net, and will continue to be...after they try their best to handle the dysfunction on their own using the coping skills they've learned.
Sorry for the t/j.
If she keeps pulling this shit she will lose them - they won't want to spend time with her.
Start documenting everything now.
You have to stop letting her suck you in. The next time she sms/emails you you give her crickets. If she tries to talk to you about it in person you tell her they are great kids and you have no idea why she struggles so much with them and that you are more than happy for more custody. Re-iterate these discussions in writing so you have a record. Full stop. No more discussion.
I got sucked in again today. She felt the need to text me about a problem she was having with 10 asking me to phone her. Of course, I did.
It was a ridiculous argument they were having, and he "just wouldn't let go". Of course not! He's 10, and has ADHD. It's her job to say, "We're not talking about that anymore", and then enforce it.
Instead, she locked herself in her room and texted me on one of my extremely rare weekends alone. This is the second time this weekend, and like an idiot, I called her. She keeps pulling me in, and I keep letting her!
I'll keep working on those crickets.