On the flip side we connect extremely well on an intellectual and spiritual level. We are attracted to each other and have a lot of fun together.
We have hit a decision point where we need to decide if this will get serious (i.e. introduce her to kids). I am very reluctant as I envision a family where everyone spends lots of time together, with both myself and their stepmom being active, engaged parents.
Has anyone here dated someone that was really hands off with their kids? Is there success stories?
I am leaning toward ending things soon, but thought I might gather some SI opinions support first. Thanks.
3 beautiful young children
If they don't melt her heart on contact, I say it's a nonstarter. Perhaps she will make a good friend?
She has been very open that she is not a motherly type at all, and has little interest in raising children.
I think this is your answer here. She has been honest about her feelings about kids. In order for you two to have a successful relationship, she'd have to change her personality completely and embrace your kids. That's a very difficult task for somebody who feels the way she does.
She is being open and honest with you... and if you have three young children whoever you are involved with will have a great effect on their lives. If she does not connect with them they will think it is their fault.
There is nothing bad or wrong with her or her feelings or thoughts, you two are just on different life paths.
We were together for 8 years. He ended it because quote he "would never be first in my life". It had nothing to do with the girl half his age he was involved with.
I was constantly having to explain my kids to him. He did grow to love them. And they him. When he followed the same exact path XH did, the betrayal cut deeper.
Would I date someone without kids again? I would really need to think long and hard about it. XSO did not think about how his actions would affect the kids-something any parent would do. Isn't that your point?
[This message edited by Kajem at 10:59 AM, July 22nd (Monday)]
Our group of friends were shocked when "S" told us that she was expecting a baby. What followed over the next few years could only be described as a train wreck.
Once that little baby arrived, "S" had no interest in her. Heaven knows she tried to fake it, but she just didn't have that mother gene, and somewhere before her kid's 2nd birthday, she just gave up. More effort was put into shuffling that kid off to anyone who would look after her than was put into any parenting.
That lack of maternal instinct caused a lot friction between "S" and her husband, who incidentally, tried his best to give that little girl a good life, but he worked long hours and really wasn't home much.
Long story short: 10 years later, "S" packed up and took off, leaving her husband and her daughter in one hell of a financial and emotional mess.
(This is when I considered "S" a non-friend.)
Traildad, your lady friend has said, in plain English, that she has little interest in raising kids. You have 3 kids to raise. I cannot see this ending well. I'm sorry.
SI wisdom: "When someone shows you who they are, believe them."
Enjoying this chapter in my life.
Learning that being alone does not mean being lonely.
Discovering that where I've been is not as important as where I'm going.
It sounds like they've had a lot to deal with already with their mother.
I think she views my raising children almost like a task or day job. That once I get them in bed, my job is done and then I could pay attention to her. That her and I could live life, and they would tag along. I have been very open with her about my concerns, and she insists it would all be fine, that her xbf had kids, etc.
My gut tells me to move on. I am not sure I have time or energy to give to someone at this point. I am not sure when I will find time to call her and break it off. It felt good to be liked and like someone, but I think I've learned that I need to keep my kids as my focus for the time being and not push the dating thing.
[This message edited by cissi at 12:12 PM, July 22nd (Monday)]
If you're looking for a new mom for your kids, it sounds like this woman isn't it (and that's okay - she's allowed to not want to mother someone else's kids).
My SO has children. We are reading the book Stepmonster together and it's led to some good discussions. I would recommend it for you as well.
Traildad, you need to find a woman out there who loves kids and would welcome yours into her life. I'm sure there are women like me in your area, women who love kids and thinks the more the merrier, women who would love to pile together at the end of the day with your kids and her, happy & tired & loving life. Your kids deserve a female role model, possibly even a stepmother, who would love them like her own.
My dilemma is whether or not I should even introduce the kids to her.
IMO that is jumping the gun. Perhaps it would be better to wait to make any introductions until after you know it's serious.
No matter how much I like someone, there has to be some major common ground. Not only has she not had kids, she's clearly stated how she feels about them (kids in general).
Which is ok. But, perhaps, not the person you want to introduce to your own children.
My gut tells me to move on
This tells you all you need to know but just in case you don't believe it...
6 -7 dates over 2 months is not enough to considering introducing young kids to someone you are dating.
My DS was 15 when I started dating TG. I viewed myself to be at the end portion of child raising. I gave serious consideration to not getting involved with TG because of his kids. (youngest was 7 at the time). I am a parent so I knew what was involved and it scared me. Someone w/o kids will have no idea what is really involved. She would have a tough time understanding.
It is really tough to be a step parent. I have considered ending my relationship with TG b/c of his kids. I can't imagine what someone w/o parenting experience and no interest in being a parent would go through.
“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler
ETA: If she has no desire to be a "parent" to your children, then why do you want to introduce her to your children? It feels a little manipulative.
[This message edited by hurtbs at 5:47 PM, July 22nd (Monday)]
"In life, unlike chess, the game continues after checkmate." - Asimov
"Be patient and tough; someday this pain will be useful to you." - Ovid
With that said, it would still be difficult.
If long term: break it off now.
For light fun for right now: do not introduce to kids ever.