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Dating a non-parent type?

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traildad posted 7/22/2013 10:13 AM

I met a lovely woman on eH, we have been out six or seven times over the last two months. She lives about 45 minutes away, is seven years older than me, has never been married and has no children. She still lives in her apartment from grad school. Has a very active social life, does whatever she wants when she wants, etc. She has been very open that she is not a motherly type at all, and has little interest in raising children. Her idea of a relationship / marriage is one where each partner does their own thing all day, then reconnects at the end of the day to talk and support each other.

On the flip side we connect extremely well on an intellectual and spiritual level. We are attracted to each other and have a lot of fun together.

We have hit a decision point where we need to decide if this will get serious (i.e. introduce her to kids). I am very reluctant as I envision a family where everyone spends lots of time together, with both myself and their stepmom being active, engaged parents.

Has anyone here dated someone that was really hands off with their kids? Is there success stories?

I am leaning toward ending things soon, but thought I might gather some SI opinions support first. Thanks.

Sad in AZ posted 7/22/2013 10:25 AM

I have no experience but

3 beautiful young children

If they don't melt her heart on contact, I say it's a nonstarter. Perhaps she will make a good friend?

lieshurt posted 7/22/2013 10:33 AM

She has been very open that she is not a motherly type at all, and has little interest in raising children.

I think this is your answer here. She has been honest about her feelings about kids. In order for you two to have a successful relationship, she'd have to change her personality completely and embrace your kids. That's a very difficult task for somebody who feels the way she does.

why2008 posted 7/22/2013 10:47 AM

I didn't marry till I was 35 and I can tell you that while I liked kids they were like complete aliens to me.

She is being open and honest with you... and if you have three young children whoever you are involved with will have a great effect on their lives. If she does not connect with them they will think it is their fault.

There is nothing bad or wrong with her or her feelings or thoughts, you two are just on different life paths.

Kajem posted 7/22/2013 10:57 AM

XSO did not want kids, I have 4. He wanted to date me knowing I came with kids. We were online friends first. When he met my kids,we were dating about 5 months. They were 13,13,11,9-all girls.

We were together for 8 years. He ended it because quote he "would never be first in my life". It had nothing to do with the girl half his age he was involved with.

I was constantly having to explain my kids to him. He did grow to love them. And they him. When he followed the same exact path XH did, the betrayal cut deeper.

Would I date someone without kids again? I would really need to think long and hard about it. XSO did not think about how his actions would affect the kids-something any parent would do. Isn't that your point?

Kajem posted 7/22/2013 10:57 AM

Sorry double post

[This message edited by Kajem at 10:59 AM, July 22nd (Monday)]

traildad posted 7/22/2013 10:58 AM

Thanks everyone. My dilemma is whether or not I should even introduce the kids to her. They have been through so much as xWW has had two SOs this past year, has moved twice, and now lives with a new SO and his daughter. I have been trying to keep things as calm as possible on my end. I am reluctant to introduce them to someone just to see how they get along if the signs are already there that it likely won't work out. I think they are in dire need of a strong mother figure, and will grow attached to a new SO very quickly. I am treading very carefully. Maybe too carefully perhaps, that I'm not sure about.

ExposedNiblet posted 7/22/2013 11:01 AM

I had a close friend who sounds a lot like your lady friend, right down to her ideas on what a relationship should be and her views on children. She and her husband had a wonderful life together for a couple of years when they were first married.

Our group of friends were shocked when "S" told us that she was expecting a baby. What followed over the next few years could only be described as a train wreck.

Once that little baby arrived, "S" had no interest in her. Heaven knows she tried to fake it, but she just didn't have that mother gene, and somewhere before her kid's 2nd birthday, she just gave up. More effort was put into shuffling that kid off to anyone who would look after her than was put into any parenting.

That lack of maternal instinct caused a lot friction between "S" and her husband, who incidentally, tried his best to give that little girl a good life, but he worked long hours and really wasn't home much.

Long story short: 10 years later, "S" packed up and took off, leaving her husband and her daughter in one hell of a financial and emotional mess.

(This is when I considered "S" a non-friend.)

Traildad, your lady friend has said, in plain English, that she has little interest in raising kids. You have 3 kids to raise. I cannot see this ending well. I'm sorry.

SI wisdom: "When someone shows you who they are, believe them."

Kajem posted 7/22/2013 11:04 AM

I honestly don't think you can proceed with to much caution. I didn't introduce my kids till I had been dating for a few months. Stability was/is very important for my kids. Good luck

ExposedNiblet posted 7/22/2013 11:05 AM

FWIW, I wouldn't bother introducing this lady to your dear children.

It sounds like they've had a lot to deal with already with their mother.

traildad posted 7/22/2013 11:19 AM

Thanks all. This is really what I was already thinking, but as I venture out into the dating world, learning to trust my instincts is taking some time. It is nice to have my SI friends to help!

I think she views my raising children almost like a task or day job. That once I get them in bed, my job is done and then I could pay attention to her. That her and I could live life, and they would tag along. I have been very open with her about my concerns, and she insists it would all be fine, that her xbf had kids, etc.

My gut tells me to move on. I am not sure I have time or energy to give to someone at this point. I am not sure when I will find time to call her and break it off. It felt good to be liked and like someone, but I think I've learned that I need to keep my kids as my focus for the time being and not push the dating thing.

cissi posted 7/22/2013 12:10 PM

If I were going to choose a partner and I had three active children, I would want that partner to be involved. You said she thinks the ideal relationship is to meet up at the end of the day? I think you would probably like her to be with you when you are at kids' games, recitals, etc., right? Your kids would never get close to her with a setup like that. I wonder why she keeps picking men that have children if she doesn't care to mother them? I also wonder if she really would like to be in a mother role but since she doesn't have any of her own, she has built up a wall?

[This message edited by cissi at 12:12 PM, July 22nd (Monday)]

Amazonia posted 7/22/2013 12:12 PM

As a woman who is completely uninterested in having kids, believe her when she tells you. Don't expect her to "fall for" or "melt" over your kids, beautiful or not. They're not hers, and if she doesn't want to be maternal with them, there's no reason she should be pushed into that.

If you're looking for a new mom for your kids, it sounds like this woman isn't it (and that's okay - she's allowed to not want to mother someone else's kids).

My SO has children. We are reading the book Stepmonster together and it's led to some good discussions. I would recommend it for you as well.

Nature_Girl posted 7/22/2013 14:28 PM

End the relationship. Take it from me, you cannot mold a non-parent type into a parent type. I tried with STBX. I should never have had children with him (although doggone it we sure did make some cute kids!). STBX is not a father, has no parenting instincts, and will very likely ruin these children by the time they are 18-years old.

Traildad, you need to find a woman out there who loves kids and would welcome yours into her life. I'm sure there are women like me in your area, women who love kids and thinks the more the merrier, women who would love to pile together at the end of the day with your kids and her, happy & tired & loving life. Your kids deserve a female role model, possibly even a stepmother, who would love them like her own.

damncutekitty posted 7/22/2013 17:31 PM

My dilemma is whether or not I should even introduce the kids to her.

IMO that is jumping the gun. Perhaps it would be better to wait to make any introductions until after you know it's serious.

Grace and Flowers posted 7/22/2013 17:38 PM

It's for this reason that I won't even date someone who has never had kids. Even if they end up loving my kids, they just won't "get it", IMO. I also won't date someone my age (50) who has never been married.

No matter how much I like someone, there has to be some major common ground. Not only has she not had kids, she's clearly stated how she feels about them (kids in general).

Which is ok. But, perhaps, not the person you want to introduce to your own children.

Good luck.

hexed posted 7/22/2013 17:40 PM

My gut tells me to move on

This tells you all you need to know but just in case you don't believe it...

6 -7 dates over 2 months is not enough to considering introducing young kids to someone you are dating.

My DS was 15 when I started dating TG. I viewed myself to be at the end portion of child raising. I gave serious consideration to not getting involved with TG because of his kids. (youngest was 7 at the time). I am a parent so I knew what was involved and it scared me. Someone w/o kids will have no idea what is really involved. She would have a tough time understanding.

It is really tough to be a step parent. I have considered ending my relationship with TG b/c of his kids. I can't imagine what someone w/o parenting experience and no interest in being a parent would go through.

hurtbs posted 7/22/2013 17:44 PM

She has been very honest and upfront about what she wants and is capable of in terms of children. I think it's unfair of you to hope that she will change.

ETA: If she has no desire to be a "parent" to your children, then why do you want to introduce her to your children? It feels a little manipulative.

[This message edited by hurtbs at 5:47 PM, July 22nd (Monday)]

Williesmom posted 7/22/2013 17:52 PM

I'm 45 and never had kids, which is a choice that I regret. However, I would like to find someone with children- I don't want to be their mother, but I would like to participate in their lives.

With that said, it would still be difficult.

Helen of Troy posted 7/22/2013 17:55 PM

Do you want her long term or just for light fun for

If long term: break it off now.

For light fun for right now: do not introduce to kids ever.

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