SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

Return to Forum List

I Feel Lost

You are not logged in. Login here or register.

NothingbutAshes posted 7/22/2013 10:53 AM

Where to begin. Iíve been with my husband for nearly 8 years. Throughout our relationship, I have had to deal with his flirting (and crossing the line) ways. He was hitting on a woman on FB and I found out because her boyfriend reached out to me and asked if I was aware of it. Another time, my H came home with his brother and his brotherís GF. Brothers argued, GF stayed. I found them in our hot tub together at 3 am talking and laughing. She was in her underwear. These are just a few stories, there are more I could share. A couple of years ago, he tried to end the relationship but did not tell me the truth at that time. Turns out, he was having a LTA with another woman he had known in high school. In fact, I did not find out about her until a couple months later and then everything began to make sense. All the late night rendezvous, the distracted behavior, locking of the computer, etc. I must have been completely blind! I did ask him at one point if he was having an affair and of course he denied it. I found out because he forgot to delete an IM conversation in his email, which said to a friend that he would break up with her but it would be very hard. I was devastated but decided to give it another go with him. It took time but we got to a better place. Then this behavior started again. Women were texting him in the middle of the night, I found evidence that he was involved on a website for polyamory. Again, I confronted him and he asked me how I felt about that. About him having more than one relationship at a time. I said sorry, thatís a deal breaker for me. We let it go and I thought this compulsion would simply go away. I know, I was stupid but I guess itís because I loved him. A few more months go by and I decide to check his internet history and sure enough, I find the name of an unfamiliar woman. I called him and asked who she was, and he said, a friend. I asked, ďThis will never end, will it?Ē and he said ďIím afraid not.Ē I found out where this OW lived and knocked on her door. I was so scared but I simply had to know the truth. She sat down and talked with me and basically said they had slept together, that he had a second cell phone he used to communicate with, and that he was on two different websites for hookups. She admitted that she was into all that kink stuff, that she had a preference for men who became women, really a freak. She even had the gall to ask me if I wanted her phone number. I left and we finally had the real truth telling sit down. I told him it was over and began making preparations to leave. This is difficult for me because I have two children (not his) and was/am working part-time without any child support from the biological father. Since that confrontation, I have further found out he did not use protection so I had to go through the whole process of getting tested. Thank GOD I came back negative for everything. I cannot tell you how much that hurt and infuriated me. To know that he put my life and health at risk is simply unforgivable. So here is my dilemma. He is begging, yes begging me to stay with him. He says I will never understand the depth of love he has for me and cannot begin to express his regret. I must be a better person because I cannot hate him, much as I try. I feel pity for him. We are living in the same home for now, in separate bedrooms but itís hard. I want to move on but I donít know if Iím making the right decision. Itís like admitting to the end of a dream and it makes me terribly, terribly sad. Does anyone have any encouraging words of advice for me? I feel like Iím in a deep depression right now, having difficulty sleeping, eating, being a good parent, etc. I even started smoking after 8 years and I hate that Iím doing it. Please help!

ArableSands posted 7/22/2013 11:15 AM

NothingButAshes I am so sorry to hear about your pain and betrayal. We are all in the same boat here, so please know that we understand.

I'm a bit of a harsh bastard in these cases, as I'm inches from walking out on my wife of 10 years even though she is showing fathomless remorse and shame. My advice to you is that YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS and that I think you should leave. This is why: He put your life at risk with his unprotected screwing around. What would have happened to your two kids if you contracted something fatal?

He gave no thought to you or to them. Tell him to go fuck himself, and throw his carcass in the ocean for the sharks. That is all he's worth. You and your kids are worth so much more.

You have my respect, and my sympathies.

cissi posted 7/22/2013 11:44 AM

You already asked him if this would ever end and he said no. Consider that a gift and move on, honey.

Dare2Trust posted 7/22/2013 12:53 PM

NothingbutAshes,

I'm a firm believer in listening carefully when a husband TELLS YOU exactly "who he is...and what he plans to continue doing."
Your husband has told you he's a CHEATER; and that he plans to CONTINUE CHEATING on you.
You must BELIEVE HIM!!!

Again, I confronted him and he asked me how I felt about that. About him having more than one relationship at a time. I said sorry, thatís a deal breaker for me. We let it go and I thought this compulsion would simply go away. I know, I was stupid but I guess itís because I loved him. A few more months go by and I decide to check his internet history and sure enough, I find the name of an unfamiliar woman...... I called him and asked who she was, and he said, a friend. I asked, ďThis will never end, will it?Ē and he said ďIím afraid not.Ē

It's really your CHOICE: Are you willing to remain married to a man who YOU KNOW is a CHEATER...and who is telling you: HE WILL CONTINUE CHEATING ON YOU?

I'm sincerely sorry for the pain you're going through.
You deserve so much better than this.

HurtButHopeful? posted 7/22/2013 13:12 PM

First, a hug for your (((((NothingbutAshes)))))

I'm so sorry you have been betrayed, and betrayed, and betrayed. I can feel your pain through your post.

We all know the misery, confusion and brokenness adultery brings.

To recap what I got from your post:

Your H has been unfaithful and insensitive to you throughout your entire M, from what you said. At one point, you asked him, ďThis will never end, will it?Ē and he said ďIím afraid not.Ē

Then he continued escalating his behavior.

Finally, you decided you had enough, and began preparing to leave with your children.

Now he is professing his love for you, and begging you to not leave.

This has taken 8 years....8 years.

Your H sounds like a Sex Addict (SA). That is his issue, not yours. Only he can fix that. You need to take care of yourself, and you have started doing that already.

He needs to begin to face that, via IC, reading books and work a serious program. He could start by reading. Hope and Freedom For Sexual Addicts and Their Partners by Milton Magness.

Your WH is not going to change overnight. For 8 years he has had his cake and eat it too. I know you L him, most of us BSes here L our spouses, in spite of how they have hurt us.

If you want to make one last go of it, you need to set specific boundaries, and let him know that if (when) he breaks one of them, the M is over and you will be filing for D.

1. NC with all people, websites, etc. that participated in his cheating.

2. Give you his secret phone. No more secret phones...only the ones on your mutual phone plan.

3. Passwords to computer and all websites. You can check his email, history...he cannot delete history, ever.

4. Timeline with names of all people and websites, etc. he used, and give it to you.

5. IC to work on SA issues.

6. 100% transparency. You have access to everything. If he gets any phone calls or emails, etc. from sex partners, he tells you immediately, and he remains NC.

7. Get a free consultation from a lawyer, to find out about your rights if you D. Knowledge is power. You won't feel so lost once you know your rights.

If your state is not a no fault state, make copies of all evidence of the cheating that you have. It will help you in court. Begin drawing up the D papers, so you will have them ready if he cheats again. (He will probably cheat again, since he has had at least of 8 years of habit already formed.)

For yourself, go to your doctor and get AD meds if needed, and something to help you sleep. Drink lots of fluids, even if you can't eat.

I started smoking too, at one point, due to the stress and unpredictability. Smoking was a predictable routine that was "mine" and which lasted a few minutes when I needed it. Eventually I didn't need it anymore, and the nicotine made me feel worse than the routine made me feel better. You'll be able to quit smoking again, when your world evens out.

AND IT WILL. Stand your ground, and don't accept 2nds anymore. You are worth it, and you are strong.

NothingbutAshes posted 7/22/2013 22:05 PM

Thank you for all the kind words and advice. I appreciate them all very much. I am planning to show him all of these just so he can understand who he is, what he has done, and how it has affected me from other people's perspective. This will help me get some closure, I believe.

Nest2007 posted 7/23/2013 00:16 AM

Don't show him directly from this site - you need this as your safe space to freely vent without fear of him spying on your interactions. Copy and paste and remove all reference to SI/surviving Infidelity etc.

This is YOUR place.

NothingbutAshes posted 7/23/2013 09:33 AM

That's exactly what I planned to do, Nest. Thank you!

Nest2007 posted 7/23/2013 21:46 PM

Big hugs Nothingbutashes.

m334455 posted 7/24/2013 01:29 AM

I am planning to show him all of these just so he can understand who he is, what he has done, and how it has affected me from other people's perspective. This will help me get some closure, I believe.

Closure is a myth. It just never works out. I hate to say it, but it's long odds he'll give any weight to what you say. Plus, it makes you look weaker than you already do. I think this will backfire on you, but that's only the voice of cringeworthy experience talking there. I'd suggest pulling out a legal pad and asking him how he'd like to break your stuff up. If that doesn't get his attention, nothing will, and at least you'll have some idea of who is taking what.

Return to Forum List

© 2002-2018 SurvivingInfidelity.com ®. All Rights Reserved.