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bewildered22 posted 7/22/2013 10:54 AM

Told BH in bad place mentally this weekend (affair season 1 year from DD) - asked what he needed to do..reply.. what you say your are going to do (actions). Got into discussion on past porn viewing after he agreed to not view after DD. Pressed him and he said last time was a few days ago. I know he only admitted it because he thought I had evidence. Reason..stress reliever He said he doesn't do it to hurt me and doesn't really think about me (hmm same thing he said about A/ONS). I know it is minimal but still. He said my snooping/monitoring is not being honest/transparent. I kind of agree but of course, now I really just want to put program on his phone (feed the monster but to what end). I also told him I want him to seek the WHY of all this with IC and he said he would (??) but not happy and thinks it is pointless. He said he will never cheat again, changed man with boundaries etc. Doesn't talk to women like he used to and tells me everything related to that (agree..for now). Do I think he is cheating/talking to OW? NO. Do i think he will completely stop surfing? NO. I just don't know where to go with this. I can't control his every move and I am driving myself crazy trying to. I would like to know what you all think..especially from a male perspective on the porn issue.

confused615 posted 7/22/2013 11:02 AM

If porn is unacceptable to you..especially after he had an A..then you can tell him that porn is no longer welcome in your marriage.

Porn, for my WH,was the slippery slope into cheating with a live person. WH also hid it from me..even when I was ok with porn..he still hid it from was the sneakiness,the lying about it that was the real issue. That and he chose porn over sex with me many times.

If he is deleting the porn,he is being deceptive..a HUGE no for a WS who wants to R with his BW.'re "snooping" is not the problem. Actually,you shouldn't have to snoop at all..he should be open book. He should welcome you "snooping" because every time you do..and find rebuilds some of the trust he destroyed. But..when you find shows you the WS isn't as investing in R as you thought he was.

Transparency has to be a new way of life after an affair. What he wants is secrecy..he wants to hide things he knows will cause a problem between the two of you(like his affair). There is no place for secrecy in a marriage. Privacy..that is for going to the bathroom alone(without their phone,of course).

Have you laid out your requirements for R? Have you set boundaries? It is absolutely ok for you to tell him no more porn.
He says he'll go to IC..but dday was a year ago..and he hasn't. He's also still engaging in wayward behavior and lying to you. What consequences has he had as a result of his A? Did he get tested for STD's? Did he answer all of your questions? Is he still? Do you have full access to all of his accounts,and cell,including passwords? What is he doing to try to R?

Im sorry. He doesn't sound to focused on healing the damage he's caused.


[This message edited by confused615 at 11:04 AM, July 22nd (Monday)]

GabyBaby posted 7/22/2013 11:03 AM

You are not snooping, you are verifying - an action that would not be necessary if there had not been infidelity.

I can give you my current husband's perspective on porn as well as my XWH's perspective.
XWH used porn daily (ramping up to multiple times per day). It bothered me and we discussed it. He said he wouldnt use it any more, then continued to do so behind my back. His actions did not match his words.

Current husband does not use porn. I have never found evidence of porn on any computer, device, hidden under the mattress, in a closet, etc (and I've helped him move twice while we were dating). To him, porn is disrespectful to women, ESPECIALLY if you are in a relationhip. His actions DO match his words.

Rebuildingman posted 7/22/2013 11:11 AM

Porn addiction is rampant. Read "Our of the Shadows" for the complete story. It is like romance novels for women, cigarettes for a smoker, alcohol for a drinker, food for an overeater etc. It is also so readily available. And, even if you don't look for it, TV shows are talking about sex all the time. Men are very visual, and once stimulation starts from a scantily clad female on the street, an ad in a mainstream magazine, it is a slippery slope to porn and worse. Seriously. I don't know if you'd call it an addiction in the classic sense but it is a compulsion. Very hard to break without therapy, which I am in currently. Good luck.

confused615 posted 7/22/2013 11:21 AM

I would call it an addiction. I know last January when my WH came across an unattended cell phone in a bathroom stall at work,he said he picked it up.."my hands were was like a junkie seeing a needle and picking it up."

Sounds like an addiction to me.

Dare2Trust posted 7/22/2013 14:00 PM


Personally - I'd have to question both your huband's honesty and his boundaries:

He promised to not view porn after DD -- YET, he admits his ongoing vewing of porn; even a few days ago.

He said he'd go to counseling/therapy -- Now says he views counsling as pointless.

He claims to be a changed man with boundaries - and says he will never cheat again.
Isn't that what marriage vows are about: A promise of fidelity?

If you truly do not believe he will stop viewing/surfing PORN....then you need to make A CHOICE yourself:
Are you willing to remain in a marriage with a man/husband who will probably view PORN on a daily basis, OR NOT?

It's your Choice - because you've come to the conclusion: He is not going to STOP viewing Porn.

[This message edited by Dare2Trust at 2:00 PM, July 22nd (Monday)]

bewildered22 posted 7/22/2013 14:54 PM

Thanks for the reply - confused - The IC has come about more recently through reading the blogs and concerned the WHY hasn't been identified or addressed. I am not much into counseling so I haven't pressed in past. I guess it is more I am afraid if a step is missed history will repeat. I read so much conflicting info (need to know why, don't need to know (MB) etc.) Porn has been a source of contention in our marriage since we got our first computer 15 plus years ago (thanks technology). He recently got a new phone - 1st with internet capabilities...and I knew it would be an issue. Again, he is not surfing a great deal ( has in past)but he doesn't seem to be able to break completely from it so I would have to agree with Rebuilding man on him not having the ability to stop on his own. I agree it is the deception/lying that concerns me as well ( but then I still feel like I am being deception if I put software on his phone etc.) As far as R - we have discussed a lot of what I need but nothing in writing. Guess I need to be clear what that is. He has made steps to changing..have passwords, no social network, read his text, always accountable etc. He has set boundaries and handles himself differently with women (no flirting etc). So..improvements yes and wants R but not sure he gets the work that needs to be done (not sure I do). What to do, what not to is all so exhausting. They should give out gold medals for those who successfully navigate R without going completely insane. Much Love

ArableSands posted 7/22/2013 15:27 PM

I would like to add that it isn't always an addiction, and would argue that often, perhaps most of the time, it's just adult entertainment. I do look at porn, with my wife's approval (although now that she's cheated I don't really care if she approves or not) and it was never a problem in our marriage. In fact, she used to look at porn with me. We used it as sexual enhancement to our marriage and as such it worked great.

confused615 posted 7/22/2013 16:27 PM

For some couples,porn may be just fine. But if one spouse has an issue with it..whether it's because the spouse is choosing porn over sex with their spouse,or because she just isn't ok with it..then then spouse who watches the porn should respect their spouse's feelings.

What may be adult "entertainment" for you and your WW is fine. But for some of us,porn was the gateway for our WS's into cheating with an actual person. It has been extremely damaging to my marriage,and many others.

I used to watch porn with my WH too..a lot of it actually. It was almost always a fun time..until I found his hidden porn..and then realized the reason he only wanted it once a week was because he was jacking it to porn every day..and wasn't in the mood for me.

Porn is not ok in my marriage. YMMV.

[This message edited by confused615 at 4:28 PM, July 22nd (Monday)]

salty_lt2 posted 7/22/2013 21:49 PM

WH here. Porn was a big issue for me, too, and I stongly believe that it led me down the slippery slope to my A. I'm just about 2 years out, and I haven't looked at porn -- or masturbated -- since DDay (my choice).

It's easy to say that porn is the "guy thing," and I used to believe that, too. I also believed that it was acceptable to watch with the spouse. I no longer believe that, for 2 reasons (not because of my A):

1) it took my sexual focus and energy away from my spouse, even when we were watching it together, and

2) it inhibited my empathetic growth.

Once I realied that these other women that I was looking at -- and jerking off to -- were actually REAL women, and were daughters, sisters, mothers, girlfriends, and wives, it made it much easier to quit.

I lacked empathy for much of my adult life, and porn is a major reason why.

BW22, there was no porn agreed upon for your R, and that's that. Even breaking that "a little bit" means that porn is more importantto your WH than you are, or your R is. That's it. I hope he gets it, and if this is a true addiction, he is willing to get help.

Hang in there! It's not your fault, and it's perfectly acceptable to ask him to completely, and totally, stop.

sailorgirl posted 7/22/2013 21:58 PM


Porn addiction is rampant. Read "Our of the Shadows" for the complete story. It is like romance novels for women, cigarettes for a smoker, alcohol for a drinker, food for an overeater etc.

I agree, reuildingman, with everything except porn addiction being like romance novels. Romance novels are fun, positive, sexy, and often well written. Infidelity is very rare in the stories and when present, condemned.

Most of today's romance novels feature healthy relationships, and put millions of women in the mood for sex with their SO's. IMO, there is no comparison with porn, cigarettes etc.

It sounds like your H is making progress, but he still has work to do.

It is not "pointless" for him to find the reasons why he cheated. What did he tell himself to allow such hurtful, risky and morally wrong behavior? Poor boundaries is a start, but why were his boundaries so poor? This often goes back to FOO. FOO issues can also be the roots for addictive or compulsive behavior (which is often self-destructive). For example, my WH's parents were alcoholics. He's not an alcoholic, but he learned many unhealthy behaviors from them.

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