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A new geyser of emotion?

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ArableSands posted 7/22/2013 11:05 AM

We're into the third week after I discovered my wife's cheating. She's been grovelling all along, completely cooperative, exhibiting remorse and transparency. She desperately wants to reconcile.

This morning she woke up and started sobbing uncontrollably. She kicked and punched the bed, screamed "Why did I do that? What was I thinking?" over and over, and wouldn't stop saying she was sorry. She asked me not to go to work today. I had to refuse.

She's a total wreck. She's been a mess for the past few weeks, but now she's reached a new level. Not sure what that means, but I did want to share.

NothingbutAshes posted 7/22/2013 11:31 AM

It seems to me that, provided this is not a pattern of behavior, she is feeling incredibly remorseful. Do you think you can forgive her?

1Faith posted 7/22/2013 11:38 AM

It appears to me that she is understanding the magnitude of what she has done and the possible consequences.

I would recommend IC for her ASAP. She needs to understand why she allowed herself to cheat in the first place and she needs to start understanding how to begin to repair the damage she's caused.

I recommend she read

How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair

By: Linda J. MacDonald

What do you think it is that YOU want to do?

Good luck.

ArableSands posted 7/22/2013 14:51 PM

NbA: Right now I don't know if I can forgive her. It's too soon after discovery and I don't even know right now if I want to go through the pain and effort of reconciliation. I have committed to staying married until enough pain and anger clears for me to see whether or not there is enough of our marriage left for me to try rebuilding with her. I don't know when that'll be, but a guess is sometime in September or October or November. Or later.

There has been no behaviour like this in the past, not even in her other relationships. While we've had some problems, given that we have small children and a shocking string of tragedy and heartbreak over the last few years it's astonishing we haven't crumbled as a couple before.

ArableSands posted 7/22/2013 14:57 PM

1Faith, thank you for the advice and book recommendation. I've nearly finished reading NOT "Just Friends" and will pick up the book you mentioned for her to read.

Some perspective regarding what allowed her to cheat is starting to surface. Desperation coupled with fears of abandonment led to opening a window to her ex and closing the same window to me. I'm sure you're familiar with Walls and Windows. He was convenient and available. Her need for escape made it okay.

An interesting point is that she never crossed the line to physical sex. Sexting yes, and kissing and feeling up, yes, but when I discovered the betrayal her text messages all pointed toward how she was putting on the brakes in the cheating and was clear about not getting fully physical.

(I've mentioned this in other threads a two or so weeks ago, but her cheating partner is a lifelong bachelor who is nearly 30 years her senior and has old skin, a rapidly creeping hairline and a beer gut. GROSS! EW! FUCK!)

solus sto posted 7/22/2013 19:05 PM

I don't know. Color me cynical. Sometimes, displays like this are fabulous and showy---and utterly meaningless. They can be quite self-indulgent.

You say that she's otherwise a model WS. What is she doing, proactively, for you? Aside from the things you've requested (NC, transparency)? What is she doing to discover the answer to her histrionic, "Why did I do that?"

Because unless she's really looking for the answer, I'm not sure I'd call it remorse.

Depending on what else is going on, a big display of emotion could also be manipulation---because you're not responding the way she envisioned, and she wants to elicit the imagined response.

Again, I'm jaded and cynical. Take what I offer with a whole pound of pink Himalayan salt.

ArableSands posted 7/22/2013 21:34 PM

No problem solus, salt taken.

Having said that, she's asked about individual counselling for herself. She'll go to marriage counselling if I ask. She's been thoughtful about things to do for me at home and always checks if what she does is okay with me.

What I know of her, what my intuition tells me, is that she's being genuine. I could be wrong, sure, but the last time I didn't pay attention to my intuition I paid a dear price.

We'll see how it goes. If she's trying to manipulate me she's not succeeding. At this juncture I remain perfectly fine with the idea of kicking her ass to the curb forever.

solus sto posted 7/23/2013 09:48 AM

No, you're in the best position to gauge what's behind the tears. If it feels genuine, it likely is.

m334455 posted 7/24/2013 01:33 AM

I get cynical like solus sto too. I usually see more "sorry I got caught" in that.

Women often care more about how a man makes them feel about themselves. And men tend not to chase women who won't sleep with them for very long.

I thought I knew my husband very well too -- turns out he'd been having an affair for TWENTY years. And I never suspected it until about 4 days before Dday. So, people can really fool you. Especially when your own emotions are involved.

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