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My needs coming first feels strange

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DoneWithLove posted 7/22/2013 11:14 AM

I find myself conflicted with being top priority now. Beforehand, I wasnt even on the list. Living with a stingy, cheap father as a child and then marrying an equally stingy and cheap man has always made me question myself on whether or not I ready need or deserve something when I want or need it, including things for my sons. Ever since the A ended and we started R, my H does everything for me. He says its how he wants to be and always should have been but I still feel the need to put my guard up and either not mention it or get it myself. Hes doing his best to be everything he should be, im just afraid it wont last and that it will get old for him. I want to enjoy how things are going but every time I relax, I flip out afterwards and put my walls back up because I let my guard down. Its like I have happy goggles on and then when I sober up from my happiness high and feel like I should have more self control and not be so careless. I cant accept what I know I need or want from him.

[This message edited by DoneWithLove at 11:16 AM, July 22nd (Monday)]

catlover50 posted 7/22/2013 11:26 AM

It's good that you realize this dynamic. Shirley Glass in "Not Just Friends" reports that the partner that puts the most into the relationship is the one who is less likely to cheat. Consider that you are actually helping your husband and your M by letting him give to you and the family.

I actually put up with this for 28 years, so you are ahead of me! I have to remind myself to let my H do for me and the house, etc. He offers all the time now, or just does things, but occasionally I ask him to do something and so far he is happy to do so. Although this weekend when I asked him to help me weed he balked (he has never weeded once). However he was willing to spray the weed killer and pick up the weeds that I had pulled. So it was about finding a job that fit him.

I actually think it becomes easier to be unselfish and giving after awhile. And you are worth it!

DoneWithLove posted 7/22/2013 17:16 PM

He tells me all the time that its so much easier and less stressful to do right by me, that he loves how happy I am now and how good it feels to make me happy. I never thaught I would see the day that he became a cheater but I also never thaught I would ever hear him say that or witness him trying so hard. I love who he is now but it hurts to think that I put up with it for so long and that he could do something so horrible to me. I just don't want things to be how they were.

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