I took the time to read your Profile and all your posts befor replying.
I'd suggest very strongly that your husband MUST address his alcoholic problem; before any of the other issues you're concerned about can be properly addressed.
You posted on June 26th you husband received his SECOND DUI...and you say: He continues to DRINK AND DRIVE. THIS is a serious legal and personal issue!!!
Since you are MadHatters - there's absolutely no place for "rug-sweeping" either one of your affairs; if theres to be Reconciliation of this marriage.
What exactly is your husband doing to assure you: He's ended the affair with OW? Did he send her a formal No Contact Letter informing her the affair is over and done with?
Is he being totally transparent with you? Do you have access to HIS phones, emails, Face Book account etc?
There can be NO HEALING without honest communications about BOTH AFFAIRS.
You posted - you and your husband are in Marriage Counseling. Does he talk openingly and honestly in MC?
The D-Day for your affair was in January; and your husband affair was very recently....SO, both of you have lots of hard work to do: If you seriously want this marriage to heal and succeed. You can't reconcile this marriage alone: It takes Two - both you and your husband.
Again, I stress: Your husband's problem with alcohol MUST be addressed.
I can understand being alone; but I hate being with someone and feeling lonely.
Do i have access to his things? I have access to his phone if I sneak it, and can check his fb that way as well, he says he has no emails, no other things etc, but i would never know, i check his phone records they appear to be clean currently.
he told me he hasnt talked to OW since the night i found out.
You being forced to SNEAK his phones and accounts to VERIFY if he's in CONTACT with OW is not Transparency!!!
If your husband wants RECONCILIATION he must follow the "rules of reconciliation!!!:
---Send OW a NO CONTACT LETTER informing her this affair is over...and she's to never contact him again by phone, text, email, Face Book or in person.
---Give you access to his phone and accounts; SO you can verify all contact has ended.
---Agree to seek counseling; SO he can address WHY he cheated in the first place.
---Agree to seek counseling/help for his alcoholic issues. (AND you need to STOP covering for him; and let him accept accountablility/reponsibility for his alcoholism!)
---Agree to disclose and discuss any questions openingly and honestly about his affair with you.
THEN: There is a chance for RECONCILIATION.
You cannot reconcile this marriage ON YOUR OWN; especially with a husband who MAY still be actively engaging in the affair; and who is an ACTIVE DRUNK!
i dont know how to make him better, is it even possible?
Is it possible for your husband to get better?
--SURE, anyone can stop being a liar, a cheater, and an alcoholic. BUT; your husband must want to change and he must want to STOP LYING..STOP CHEATING...STOP DRINKING.
Once he decides to STOP - he can start working on being the husband you deserve; and the father your children deserve.
I'd strongly suggest: Until he stops drinking - that you and your children DO NOT ride in the car with his irresponsible, drinking butt!
He's on a road to destruction; and he already has 2 DUIs.
I forgot to add;
If OW's husband is not aware of the adulterous affair between his wife and your husband: He must be told ASAP. He deserves to know!
Your husband kills my child or husband on the road while drunk, I'm coming after every dime you earn for the rest of your life, if you're lucky to survive how I might react. The fact you know he's doing this and not turning him in to lose his license, means i'd try to ruin your life too by taking away your home, your future income, everything I could for passively watching him risk until he took away my entire reason for living, and I would try to file a lawsuit against you as your husband sits in prison with no income from him coming into your home. Your kids would have nothing, their college funds gone too, if you have that saved up.
Just saying, because there are a lot of moms and dads and spouses out there who would react that same way toward you if his driving kills their loved ones, and would move heaven and hell to make sure he went to the worst prison in the state for the longest time possible. And would have no pity or mercy toward you.
TWO driving drunk charges means he is willing to risk the lives of other people for his own selfishness and convenience. It's immoral for him to drive while drinking, and God isn't so happy about that either, if faith matters to you at all.
Just thought I'd warn you before it happens. You will hate what I've said, but I'm being truthful and honest to give you a chance to not have your life end up this way by his choices to drink and drive.
With a second DUI, I'm not sure I'd have a reason to live if my family were killed, which means I wouldn't have a reason except fear of hell any my religion to seek the greatest revenge possible to seek. The family of the person he hurts might not be religious and wouldn't have a reason to stop them from it.
Now, go take this seriously. If he drinks, send a sober driver with him, and I don't care if it's a car load of sober strippers and OW driving him. Lots of things are worse in this life than cheating, and driving drink is one of them.
[This message edited by Heavy Sigh at 9:32 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday)]