"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

Spideysense posted 7/22/2013 11:26 AM

So short version, we are MH, my dday first during what i thought was our R, he met someone else and we re two months out from his dday. I feel like in general i have been doing what i need to do, NC immediately, havent left the house without H or kids since dday six months ago, handed over my phone, allow him complete access, started counseling for myself and then MC after his dday, bought the books and started reading, more attentive, apologies, more loving gestures, more words of affirmation. Now there is obviously more i could still be doing because my H hasnt healed, but he avoids communication about it at all times. He is very angry when i want to talk about his A, he rugsweeped mine so why shouldnt i his (added-i did all of the things i described completely on my own, no suggestions from him). anyway...so im am struggling with what i see as a lack of remorse from him. and then this friday he made additional bad decisions, drank too much, stayed out at bar, refused to respond to me or come home with me, then said nasty things to me, got up the next day probably still drunk and said more mean things. finally as he sobered up started to apologize. we already had plans with kiddos so went about life, last night i tried to talk to him about it, im hurt, im angry, he got angry back, told me nothing he can say will help, im going to believe what i want to believe (told him he didnt want to come home with me or he wouldve-he said thats not true) then he is TTing the night out, i was at this place oh yeah then i did go to this place oh yeah and then this...he says he wasnt out looking for new OW, i believe this but girls flock to him-thats how he got involved with OW to begin with, he didnt pursue her but he didnt decline her either...anyway...i guess im not overly concerned he was meeting someone else, but i am concerned he continued to make the bad decisions he has previously been making, he gives me all these texts about you are the most important person, i love you blah blah blah but then he behaves like this..time and time again...how do i know what to believe...i want us to work but i lose my faith a little more all the time.

Dare2Trust posted 7/22/2013 13:48 PM

Spideysense,

I took the time to read your Profile and all your posts befor replying.

I'd suggest very strongly that your husband MUST address his alcoholic problem; before any of the other issues you're concerned about can be properly addressed.

You posted on June 26th you husband received his SECOND DUI...and you say: He continues to DRINK AND DRIVE. THIS is a serious legal and personal issue!!!

Since you are MadHatters - there's absolutely no place for "rug-sweeping" either one of your affairs; if theres to be Reconciliation of this marriage.

What exactly is your husband doing to assure you: He's ended the affair with OW? Did he send her a formal No Contact Letter informing her the affair is over and done with?
Is he being totally transparent with you? Do you have access to HIS phones, emails, Face Book account etc?

There can be NO HEALING without honest communications about BOTH AFFAIRS.
You posted - you and your husband are in Marriage Counseling. Does he talk openingly and honestly in MC?

The D-Day for your affair was in January; and your husband affair was very recently....SO, both of you have lots of hard work to do: If you seriously want this marriage to heal and succeed. You can't reconcile this marriage alone: It takes Two - both you and your husband.

Again, I stress: Your husband's problem with alcohol MUST be addressed.

Good Luck.

Spideysense posted 7/22/2013 14:01 PM

dare2trust,
Thank you for taking the time to read and respond as i feel like my life is spinning out of control.
The short answer to all of your questions is no. We went to two sessions of MC, H didn't think we needed to go see someone to help us (although he's all about telling our dear friends going through a similar situation that they should go), anyway, i now continue counseling on my own. WH says he will go if he has to i tell him about the appts, he doesnt go, has to work, etc.
Do i have access to his things? I have access to his phone if I sneak it, and can check his fb that way as well, he says he has no emails, no other things etc, but i would never know, i check his phone records they appear to be clean currently.
he told me he hasnt talked to OW since the night i found out. He claims there has been no other contact, and that he did not see her that night, so by his account it has gone like this...OW OW OW, last text from him to her, not meeting up tonight, ill get ahold of you later, then I discover and theres never any more contact of any sort whatsoever form either of them (i do not believe this to be true but i cannot prove it- i cant even ask her as when i did confront her she also lied about how they met, that she was married, etc).
i know his drinking is a huge problem...when he is not drinking he is a man i am proud of and respect, when he is drinking he is none of the sort, and i feel like he is never excited or motivated about anything other than drinking/going out. i dont know how to make him better, is it even possible? i do love him, with all my heart, and i hate him too.

Dare2Trust posted 7/22/2013 23:55 PM

Spideysense,

You stated:

Do i have access to his things? I have access to his phone if I sneak it, and can check his fb that way as well, he says he has no emails, no other things etc, but i would never know, i check his phone records they appear to be clean currently.
he told me he hasnt talked to OW since the night i found out.

You being forced to SNEAK his phones and accounts to VERIFY if he's in CONTACT with OW is not Transparency!!!

If your husband wants RECONCILIATION he must follow the "rules of reconciliation!!!:
---Send OW a NO CONTACT LETTER informing her this affair is over...and she's to never contact him again by phone, text, email, Face Book or in person.
---Give you access to his phone and accounts; SO you can verify all contact has ended.
---Agree to seek counseling; SO he can address WHY he cheated in the first place.
---Agree to seek counseling/help for his alcoholic issues. (AND you need to STOP covering for him; and let him accept accountablility/reponsibility for his alcoholism!)
---Agree to disclose and discuss any questions openingly and honestly about his affair with you.

THEN: There is a chance for RECONCILIATION.
You cannot reconcile this marriage ON YOUR OWN; especially with a husband who MAY still be actively engaging in the affair; and who is an ACTIVE DRUNK!

i dont know how to make him better, is it even possible?

YOU CAN'T MAKE HIM BETTER...only he can change. It's not your job TO FIX HIM.

Is it possible for your husband to get better?
--SURE, anyone can stop being a liar, a cheater, and an alcoholic. BUT; your husband must want to change and he must want to STOP LYING..STOP CHEATING...STOP DRINKING.
Once he decides to STOP - he can start working on being the husband you deserve; and the father your children deserve.

I'd strongly suggest: Until he stops drinking - that you and your children DO NOT ride in the car with his irresponsible, drinking butt!
He's on a road to destruction; and he already has 2 DUIs.

Dare2Trust posted 7/22/2013 23:56 PM

Spideysense,

I forgot to add;
If OW's husband is not aware of the adulterous affair between his wife and your husband: He must be told ASAP. He deserves to know!

Spideysense posted 7/23/2013 08:55 AM

Again thank you for the responses. I feel like I am making him sound like this POS drunk, and he's not, most of the time. Last night was not much better, we got along alright, hung out with our neighbors for a bit. I was reading a bit before bed (this is a relationship book not jsut a random read) he asked me why i had to read, anyway going to sleep i say goodnight, he says yep great night you didnt even kiss me today, i remind him i did kiss him earlier in the day, he says yeah that wasnt much of a kiss. he rolls over goes to sleep, i lay and stew for a bit then go watch tv and fall asleep on the couch. really thats what he goes with? He could have kissed me, he could have asked for a kiss, even a kiss 'that wasnt much" if he wouldve said san you kiss me goodnight, i wouldve, and i wouldve meant it, but honestly after the last three days do i want to jsut roll over and have a passionate kissing marathon with him? No i dont, and while the fact that i didnt want to do that should have made him feel bad, sad, remorseful, or been a push to do something, the only thing it did was cause him to be angry at me...again.
i have counseling at the end of this week, i hope to address some of these things.
I feel bad because i feel like i have an im better than you outlook and I know that isnt healthy. im not, my A was longer more involved required more lying etc but I feel like since dday i have done lots of things and i feel like since his he has done nothing but get angry at me because i didnt just squeeze his hand and say its ok dear just dont let it happen again. he says im choosing to feel like this...i say his actions leave me no other choice than to feel like this. GRRR...tired of even thinking about it.

Heavy Sigh posted 7/23/2013 09:20 AM

Second DUI says it all.

Your husband kills my child or husband on the road while drunk, I'm coming after every dime you earn for the rest of your life, if you're lucky to survive how I might react. The fact you know he's doing this and not turning him in to lose his license, means i'd try to ruin your life too by taking away your home, your future income, everything I could for passively watching him risk until he took away my entire reason for living, and I would try to file a lawsuit against you as your husband sits in prison with no income from him coming into your home. Your kids would have nothing, their college funds gone too, if you have that saved up.

Just saying, because there are a lot of moms and dads and spouses out there who would react that same way toward you if his driving kills their loved ones, and would move heaven and hell to make sure he went to the worst prison in the state for the longest time possible. And would have no pity or mercy toward you.

TWO driving drunk charges means he is willing to risk the lives of other people for his own selfishness and convenience. It's immoral for him to drive while drinking, and God isn't so happy about that either, if faith matters to you at all.

Just thought I'd warn you before it happens. You will hate what I've said, but I'm being truthful and honest to give you a chance to not have your life end up this way by his choices to drink and drive.

With a second DUI, I'm not sure I'd have a reason to live if my family were killed, which means I wouldn't have a reason except fear of hell any my religion to seek the greatest revenge possible to seek. The family of the person he hurts might not be religious and wouldn't have a reason to stop them from it.

Now, go take this seriously. If he drinks, send a sober driver with him, and I don't care if it's a car load of sober strippers and OW driving him. Lots of things are worse in this life than cheating, and driving drink is one of them.

[This message edited by Heavy Sigh at 9:32 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday)]