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180 Question

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bionicgal posted 7/22/2013 11:32 AM

I can't figure out how to search the forums, so please forgive me as I am sure this has been answered 100 times.

I have a repentant and remorseful WH who is working hard on himself and our relationship since DD 5 weeks ago. We are in MC and reading all kinds of books together, talking a lot, and spending a lot of time together. I'd say he is mostly if not totally out of the fog of the affair, has written an apology to the AP's husband, (a friend of ours) and thus far doing everything he can to make amends.

I keep reading about the 180, and while some of it makes sense, I don't understand the purpose of it if the WS is on board and doing what he should. Like, not having dates or saying "I love you . . . ". Some of these things seem important to move the relationship in a positive direction.

Can someone shed some light on this for me? Is the 180 just a way of trying to get control in a relationship where you don't have any?

jo2love posted 7/22/2013 11:46 AM

There isn't a search function, mainly to help keep our members as anonymous as possible. Also due to the heavy traffic having a search feature would really put a toll on our servers with hundreds of thousands of lurkers using it.

The 180 is to strength the betrayed. Below is the link.

bionicgal posted 7/22/2013 12:27 PM

Makes sense about the search f(x). But I am more curious as to when/why people use it.

jo2love posted 7/22/2013 13:34 PM

This thread maybe helpful.

bionicgal posted 7/22/2013 15:09 PM

Thanks - this helps a lot. As I read the 180 it all seemed about controlling the WS, and this makes it seem quite different. I still don't agree that some of the suggestions work (like the no date night thing, etc.) but I can see where focusing on yourself and growing from this regardless of where the BS is at is helpful.

KeepCalm_CarryOn posted 7/22/2013 15:34 PM

If your WH is truly doing everything right, you don't really need to use the 180. I never did. My FWH was immediately out of the fog, called the AP's H and outted them, we were in MC and he was in IC within a week, so I never felt the need to use it.

bionicgal posted 7/22/2013 17:20 PM

So far, so good. Today was a bad day for me, but he reached out and it helped a lot.

blakesteele posted 7/22/2013 21:52 PM

by the time I knew about 180 we were kinda past that tool...but still some useful tips in this to help me change myself.

You mention it sounds like a way to control your WS. I don't think it is controlling anyone but yourself.

It is, instead, a way for the BS to recognize and accept that their WS has decided to break their vows and damage the marriage that we agreed to be a part of and stay committed to--for better or worse. It is a path to a healthy spot for the BS to stage and process until the WS decides to repent. And if that time never arrives the BS will start their life from a new and stronger vantage point then if they held fast to the illusion that their original marriage was somehow not changed forever and that they had the power to change the way their WS felt.

First time I really thought this 180 thing through like interesting to see if I am close to understanding it on a deeper level then the....have to make yourself healthy before your marriage can be healthy.

I am really pondering this death of your original marriage thing....didn't meant to high-jack this post.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 9:54 PM, July 22nd (Monday)]

bionicgal posted 7/23/2013 07:16 AM

It certainly feels like a death of the early marriage. . . The "joke" in our house is that I wasn't "near bad enough to leave" but as I am getting wiser, our marriage was in a bad spot and had some long-term unhealthy dynamics. We were largely loving and good to each other, but some important needs were not being met on both sides.

Moving forward, it is exciting to reimagine what our marriage can look like. Unfortunately, the affair itself causes so much pain and heartache that it is like building a house in an area where a bomb hit.

blakesteele posted 7/23/2013 07:26 AM

Bionicgirl...well stated!!! I think your choice of nickname is well done as you appear to be moving faster then normal with regards to understanding the dynamics at play here.

I have had the same recurring revelations about my marriage as you have about yours.

How much easier would our combined brokenness be to fix had our spouses refrained from bringing the added weight of adultery into our marriage...and had the courage to deal with our marriage issues WITHIN the boundaries of our marriage?

God be with us all.

karmahappens posted 7/23/2013 07:36 AM

Hey Bionic

but as I am getting wiser, our marriage was in a bad spot and had some long-term unhealthy dynamics. We were largely loving and good to each other, but some important needs were not being met on both sides.

Just want to clarify...many marriages are like this, but it is never a reason/excuse to get that , right? That there is nothing you did wrong that caused this?

Whatever the dynamics were the WS has a choice to address the issues, attempt to resolve, get into IC/MC or A is an escape from the M and not a choice in the equation. This is not on you at all....

it is like building a house in an area where a bomb hit

You that is why it is of utmost importance to rebuild the foundation. IC and emotional health is such an important piece. Without it,the walls crumble.

Good luck (((hugs)))

[This message edited by karmahappens at 7:37 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday)]

bionicgal posted 7/23/2013 07:47 AM

It is such a fine line to walk sometimes. . .. Was my WH justified in having an affair? Absolutely not. 100% no. However was I partly responsible for the conditions in our marriage that made an affair appealing to him? Yes, I was. That doesn't excuse it, and certainly doesn't make the hell of the aftermath of it less hard, but healing it isn't just a matter of him earning absolution. We have to figure out how to meet each other's needs better and deal with underlying personal issues (largely his) that will make it unlikely to happen again.

[This message edited by bionicgal at 7:48 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday)]

karmahappens posted 7/23/2013 07:53 AM

Good, I got a sense that you were carrying some blame.

We all have issues to resolve in our M's....but the deep personal ones that tell a person it's ok to look outside the M are key.

bionicgal posted 7/23/2013 07:54 AM

Blake-no joke. If I or my WH had had the foresight to circumvent the affair, and then were able to do all this personal growth? God, it would be a lot easier. But. Sometimes I wonder if looking over the chasm isn't what was needed to propel us out of our rut. I didn't want the affair. . . It broke my heart, and continues to do so on a minute-by-minute basis. But, I have to believe that we can build something good/better in the aftermath. Or, we truly are with the wrong person.

bionicgal posted 7/23/2013 07:55 AM

P.S. ya'll are awesome. Thanks.

womaninflux posted 7/23/2013 08:37 AM

I really like what Blakesteele said about 180. And really, that is what R is all about...the BS has to ultimately acknowledge they can't control the WS in any aspect. Much better in the long run to muster your inner strength and invest in yourself as you work through the pain and R (in whatever form the R takes - as a couple or apart). I recently began attending S-Anon and they emphasize these principles as a way of the BS can heal. And if you don't heal, you carry this with you with your life - in your marriage if you continue, your external friendships as well as any new romantic relationship you might have in the future if you separate.

It's pretty wise if you think about it.

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