This isn't even close to the truth. I talk about the A whenever possible. We don't tend to discuss it around our DD and opportunity doesn't let us talk about it as much as we should. I've made progress with myself. I'm what my BW has always wanted. It's the A she can't get past. Before I get a bunch of comments of that, those are her words. I don't expect her to get past it especially this early on. I'm just trying to help her cope with it. Still things happen that create triggers or issues and I try and help her along. Sometimes I wonder if this is more detrimental as the cause is trying to be the solution yet I carry on. What do other WS do when confronted with triggering their BS? Do they move in or step back? I'm sure it depends on the type of personality the BS has.
You should probably validate the trigger. Acknowledge it. Work to understand it. If your BW knows that you are going to be there to help work through triggers, that should be a positive thing over time. Now, if you are the trigger, then that's something else entirely...
opportunity doesn't let us talk about it as much as we should.
What do other WS do when confronted with triggering their BS? Do they move in or step back? I'm sure it depends on the type of personality the BS has.
Then I realized how deep his abandonment issues went. That rejection thing would rear its ugly head. And when I would stay back and he would interpret that as, "Aubrie doesn't care. Aubrie is abandoning me like everyone else." So now when he walks in the other room, I follow him, plop myself in his lap and say, "Sorry Buddy. If you're on the couch, I am too. We might as well go to the bedroom because both of us will wake up cranky and sore if we stay out here. While we're at it, lets talk. What's up?"
A couple times of me doing that, me showing him I care and that he really is important, and his retreats to the dark living room lessened. He knows I'm going to follow him anyway so he just stays put. Now, we talk. He talks, I listen.
As far as "getting over it", I don't think that's really possible. I think one has to get thru it. And as unfair as it is, it's that dang "time" thing. Be there for her Sam. Be patient. And give her time.
Re your question about stepping close or moving back -- it depends what you mean by "trying to be the solution." If you are apologizing for your role in triggering her, holding her (if that's what she wants), and do forth, then that is probably the right thing to do. If you're offering rational solutions and strategies (problem solving mode, if you see what I mean), then that is probably not going to work.
I'm a problem solving kind of gal, but for sure I did not want my fwh offering up practical do this or do that advice when I felt triggered or distraught. I needed recognition, if you see what I mean.
Props to you for trying to figure out the right thing to do. Don't get discouraged. Keep working at it,
Your D-Day anniversary was recent. Has she been increasingly angry, triggering, or saying things like that? If so, the anniversary is probably behind it.
Here is what I would do going forward. My FWH apologizes to me every day. He either says it or sends me a text. I've had days where he's seemed happy and I get pissed off bc it seems like he's over it. But then I get the I'm sorry and it reminds me he's not over it. Also, when I trigger he will sit next to me and hold me but also tell me - do you want some alone time? Do you want me to take the kids out? If it's at night, I want to be held. If it's the middle of the day and the kids are home I'm more appreciative of him taking them out so I can have some quiet time to myself.
Everyone is different so maybe the conversation you need to have with her is "When I see you trigger, I want to help you. How can I help?"
Cliffside- I keep telling my BW that I'm not going anywhere and have no problem talking about the A as long as it takes.
Teach- I realize there are triggers everywhere. Some things that trigger he catch me off guard but do understand that anything can cause a trigger. I guess in the words of Scream, I need to "do more".
It is a tough balance and takes practice and patience.
God be with us all.
This week a friend of ours stayed with their family at a lake cabin. I told hubby about it and what fun they had but just said "lake cabin" because the lake they were at is where my AP lives. So I just took that out for him. Tried to circumvent what could have been a trigger. He asked anyway, I told him and he was fine with it.
It triggers me to drive through the town of the OW. I told my husband this on our way to see our daughter. On the way back he drove right through the town again. See, I would have drove around a different route. Listen, respond, act.
Also, you say you talk about it whenever possible. but is that you bringing it up or her? Please don't burden her with always being the one to bring it up.
me (WW/BS): 48
4 kiddos in mid 20's
“Most things will be okay eventually, but not everything will be. Acceptance is a small, quiet room.”