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My BW thinks....

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Sam793 posted 7/22/2013 12:58 PM

that I want her to pretend like the A never happened.

This isn't even close to the truth. I talk about the A whenever possible. We don't tend to discuss it around our DD and opportunity doesn't let us talk about it as much as we should. I've made progress with myself. I'm what my BW has always wanted. It's the A she can't get past. Before I get a bunch of comments of that, those are her words. I don't expect her to get past it especially this early on. I'm just trying to help her cope with it. Still things happen that create triggers or issues and I try and help her along. Sometimes I wonder if this is more detrimental as the cause is trying to be the solution yet I carry on. What do other WS do when confronted with triggering their BS? Do they move in or step back? I'm sure it depends on the type of personality the BS has.

BaxtersBFF posted 7/22/2013 17:47 PM

I think stepping back is probably worse than moving in. Like you said, it is dependant on the BS.

You should probably validate the trigger. Acknowledge it. Work to understand it. If your BW knows that you are going to be there to help work through triggers, that should be a positive thing over time. Now, if you are the trigger, then that's something else entirely...

Aubrie posted 7/22/2013 17:49 PM

opportunity doesn't let us talk about it as much as we should.
You need to proactively make time. Set aside X amount of time every day or whatever. Make a schedule. Hard to do with kids, but still doable. Pop a Barney and Friends in the DVD player and pull your wife into the kitchen over coffee to talk.

What do other WS do when confronted with triggering their BS? Do they move in or step back? I'm sure it depends on the type of personality the BS has.
It does. They're all different. And sometimes it's trial and error. Learned that the hard way. My husband and I would have a heated disagreement or he'd trigger. He would retreat to the living room and sit in the dark. I took that as a sign of him wanting to be alone. I assumed. I'd go take a shower, hang up laundry, or whatever.

Then I realized how deep his abandonment issues went. That rejection thing would rear its ugly head. And when I would stay back and he would interpret that as, "Aubrie doesn't care. Aubrie is abandoning me like everyone else." So now when he walks in the other room, I follow him, plop myself in his lap and say, "Sorry Buddy. If you're on the couch, I am too. We might as well go to the bedroom because both of us will wake up cranky and sore if we stay out here. While we're at it, lets talk. What's up?"

A couple times of me doing that, me showing him I care and that he really is important, and his retreats to the dark living room lessened. He knows I'm going to follow him anyway so he just stays put. Now, we talk. He talks, I listen.

As far as "getting over it", I don't think that's really possible. I think one has to get thru it. And as unfair as it is, it's that dang "time" thing. Be there for her Sam. Be patient. And give her time.

Later posted 7/22/2013 17:55 PM

Read Abrie's post twice if you have to. Good advice.

Sam793 posted 7/23/2013 18:18 PM

Thank you for your comments. I think deep down inside my BW knows I'm not going anywhere. I tell her that quite a bit. I also will try and make time as best I can to spend some one on one even if its only for a bit.

StrongerOne posted 7/23/2013 23:36 PM

Of course I don't know your BW, but given that you had a 3 1/2 year affair, I'd lay odds that deep down she does truly worry that you're going to leave. I see as well that Dday was just over a year ago -- antiversary on July 12 -- so possibly that is painful for her too. I wonder, did you do anything on that particular day for your BW? Acknowledge this day, apologize, do something kind for her, etc.?
Have you made a timeline? Sent a NC letter?

Re your question about stepping close or moving back -- it depends what you mean by "trying to be the solution." If you are apologizing for your role in triggering her, holding her (if that's what she wants), and do forth, then that is probably the right thing to do. If you're offering rational solutions and strategies (problem solving mode, if you see what I mean), then that is probably not going to work.

I'm a problem solving kind of gal, but for sure I did not want my fwh offering up practical do this or do that advice when I felt triggered or distraught. I needed recognition, if you see what I mean.

Props to you for trying to figure out the right thing to do. Don't get discouraged. Keep working at it,

meplusfour posted 7/24/2013 00:43 AM

As a BS, the worst thing is for my WH to leave me alone when I am confronted with a trigger. My WH had a 4.5 year LTA and professes to be remorseful and is doing all of the things he can to to help me heal. I may leave the room but a part of me is testing whether WH cares enough to come after me to be part of my healing. Am I being fair by doing this? Maybe not but each time that he comes to me and faces the anger and hurt and damage he has caused, and willingly accepts responsibility for it, gives me hope for our future. Be a part of your BS healing and help her through it.

cliffside posted 7/24/2013 10:02 AM

BS here. Something you're doing is giving her the impression you want her to pretend it never happened. how do you respond when she says that?

Your D-Day anniversary was recent. Has she been increasingly angry, triggering, or saying things like that? If so, the anniversary is probably behind it.

Here is what I would do going forward. My FWH apologizes to me every day. He either says it or sends me a text. I've had days where he's seemed happy and I get pissed off bc it seems like he's over it. But then I get the I'm sorry and it reminds me he's not over it. Also, when I trigger he will sit next to me and hold me but also tell me - do you want some alone time? Do you want me to take the kids out? If it's at night, I want to be held. If it's the middle of the day and the kids are home I'm more appreciative of him taking them out so I can have some quiet time to myself.
Everyone is different so maybe the conversation you need to have with her is "When I see you trigger, I want to help you. How can I help?"

Teach8 posted 7/24/2013 10:14 AM thing I've been trying to get my wh to understand is that the pain of his lta is with me every moment. That doesn't mean I'm not coping, functioning or trying to heal, but the fact of the matter is anything can make me trigger. When you look back on your life and you are unsure what's real or not the emotions are devestating. The bs feels like a fool for loving and supporting someone while the ws was committing this incredible betrayal under our noses. I need my wh to bring things up before I do shows me that he knows my pain is there even when things seem fine. I've also asked my wh to speak to me in detail about the process he is going throough in regards to his own healing. I seem to need constant reassurance that he is doing all he can to fix what is broken so to speak. When I trigger, I don't always know what I'm going to need but he asks me and I tell him. But honestly, I seem to trigger less when I feel like my ws is understanding my pain and bringing things up before I do. I know he hurts too but by doing this, it reassures me that he just doesn't want me to forget it and keep going.

Sam793 posted 7/25/2013 22:36 PM

Stronger- she doesn't worry about me leaving. I can tell you that.

Cliffside- I keep telling my BW that I'm not going anywhere and have no problem talking about the A as long as it takes.

Teach- I realize there are triggers everywhere. Some things that trigger he catch me off guard but do understand that anything can cause a trigger. I guess in the words of Scream, I need to "do more".

blakesteele posted 7/25/2013 23:25 PM

aaaahhhh to feel as if a WS cares again.

It is a tough balance and takes practice and patience.

God be with us all.

Teach8 posted 7/26/2013 09:55 AM

Sam...the triggers catch me off guard too. Sometimes they come from things that seem so innocuous. But somehow those innocuous things bring up some other memory and it can snowball from there. I'm trying to work on that for myself too. Its interesting that you brought up scream's more post. I had a major eruption two weeks ago and basically told him I need him to do more...more talking, more digging and more bringing it up first. We talked more again this morning and I was able to better verbalize why I need those things and more specifically what those things look like. I think Lost and I have a lot in common personality wise. And honestly, I do understand that my H's need for validation, needing to be needed, etc. Were all a part of his "brokeness" that led to his cheating. But honestly, I guess I need to hear more about how he broke in the first place and how he is fixing that. I need to understand the choices because sometimes I. Find myself thinking that maybe this is just who he is. Someone capable of hurting me so terribly and is that really who I want to spend the rest of my life with? I guess I find comfort in scream coming to me and saying something along the lines of..."I was thinking about when I chose to do this or that...and I realize now I made that choice because...and now I see how screwed up that was..." and he doesn't wait for me to say something...he takes it upon himself to share that with me. We have a long road ahead of us. I'm not saying this makes me all better but it does help me feel more secure in my choice to reconcile. Because honestly, my trust is shot...not just in him but in myself too. Sorry so long winded...and sorry for any typos. I'm on my phone.

Sam793 posted 7/30/2013 00:09 AM

Thanks Teach. Until I understand fully why I could choose to have an A over fixing my insecurities my healing won't move forward. I have dealt with triggers that caused the insecurities but now it's time to fix them. When this is done I can help Lost understand more.

rachelc posted 7/30/2013 09:47 AM

Sam - do you know what "transfer of vigilance" is? it's when you can almost predict what will trigger your spouse and you carry that load so that you can either be prepared to deal with that trigger or try to avoid it. That is where you need to be.

This week a friend of ours stayed with their family at a lake cabin. I told hubby about it and what fun they had but just said "lake cabin" because the lake they were at is where my AP lives. So I just took that out for him. Tried to circumvent what could have been a trigger. He asked anyway, I told him and he was fine with it.

It triggers me to drive through the town of the OW. I told my husband this on our way to see our daughter. On the way back he drove right through the town again. See, I would have drove around a different route. Listen, respond, act.

Also, you say you talk about it whenever possible. but is that you bringing it up or her? Please don't burden her with always being the one to bring it up.

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