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The word "Affair" should never be used.

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ArableSands posted 7/22/2013 13:44 PM

Why do we use the word "affair" to describe betrayal and cheating?

"Affair" sounds light, romantic, wonderfully European, and an exciting adventure of the heart. It conveys NO subtext of the carnage it wreaks, or the monumental dishonesty that it requires.

I never refer to my wife's betrayal as "her affair." I refer to it as "her betrayal" or "her cheating." Much earlier in life she was cheated on by a boyfriend. She noted morosely that she thinks that what her boyfriend did was cheat, and what she did was have an affair.

Last week she spoke to a trusted member of her family about what had happened, and said "I had an affair." Her family member, who is a friend of the marriage, snapped back at her. "No, you had a lapse of ethics and reason. And you're an idiot."

Could we stop calling cheating acts "affairs?" Let's just call them what they are: betrayals. Words have power. The right words have real meaning.

columbus66 posted 7/22/2013 14:41 PM

You said it...amen. The ugliest word should be used for it, because that is what it is...ugly.

PinkJeepLady posted 7/22/2013 14:55 PM

Amen to that! I also have trouble with the word "affair". I am not even sure what to call my situation with WH cheating with prostitutes. I use the word betrayal or cheating, but wish there was an even uglier, stronger word. Please let me know if you have one!

myperfectlife posted 7/22/2013 14:59 PM

I agree. I don't like the word "cheated" either though.
It makes it sound like the WS simply looked at someone else's cards during a game of poker.
No, not so much.
And it wasn't a mistake either. It was a decision.
My WS is coming to the realization that it was basically the dealbreaker that ruined his/our lives.
Once you put it in that context, it's definitely not an "affair".

ArableSands posted 7/22/2013 15:07 PM

I like betrayal myself.

"I betrayed my husband."
"She betrayed my trust."
"I committed a betrayal."

While there's no word that I can think of to replace affair in "I had an affair", the sentences above cover pretty much every instance one would need in a discussion of marital treachery.

PinkJeepLady posted 7/22/2013 15:08 PM

Agree, thank you!

TICKED OFF posted 7/22/2013 15:33 PM

When bringing this up to my h or anyone, I refer to "it" as....".when he was fucking the bitch whore neighbor." And NO this is not meant to be funny, it is really what I say to him and everyone else when I bring it up.

You are very right......the word affair sounds like a Cinderella fantasy, and it doesn't convey all the destruction it has caused my marriage over the last 9 years. So might as well throw it out there like it really is....not a fairytale fantasy.

Lyonesse posted 7/22/2013 15:46 PM

Her family member, who is a friend of the marriage, snapped back at her. "No, you had a lapse of ethics and reason. And you're an idiot."

I love this person!

notquiteoverit posted 7/22/2013 16:20 PM

I don't use the word "affair". I call it his "dumpster-diving expedition". To me, this is a fairly accurate description of what he did and who he did it with.

painpaingoaway posted 7/22/2013 16:26 PM

"No, you had a lapse of ethics and reason. And you're an idiot."
👏 God, I love that person!

Personally, I call it "when H fell into the ho-hole". 😁

sailorgirl posted 7/22/2013 16:45 PM

Committed adultery has more accurate connotations.

mysticpenguin posted 7/22/2013 17:11 PM

When my WH confessed to his mom (who is now currently the BGF in her relationship), he said "I cheated on mysticpenguin." I was really glad he didn't say it any other way. "Affair" is a euphemism if you ask me. Call it what it is; tear away the shroud and expose the ugliness to the light!

Crushed1 posted 7/23/2013 00:08 AM

I never use that word either, for the reasons you listed. I call it "the adultery", "the great deceit", his "whoremonger days", "porkfest", among other things.

keptmyword posted 7/23/2013 00:31 AM

"Affair" sounds light, romantic, wonderfully European, and an exciting adventure of the heart. It conveys NO subtext of the carnage it wreaks, or the monumental dishonesty that it requires.

Bingo! I've said almost the same exact thing. Yes, it romanticizes it and even lends an air of legitimacy to something so destructive.

I called my XWW's betrayal the "arrangement". The arrangement defined as trading sex for flattery.

Affair - fuck that. Makes it seem like it's something out of a romantic comedy.

fallingquickly posted 7/23/2013 00:57 AM

Yep. I feel the same way. Affair sounds like a party. As in , "Many celebrities attended the affair."

What my WH and his married howorker did was to cheat, lie, and expose to disease the people who trusted them and to whom they made commitments. They risked their families. They neglected their children. They took away the life their families should have had. This was no social event.

abigailadams posted 7/23/2013 01:01 AM

In mediation, I said something about my stbx having an affair and he screamed out, "I am NOT having an affair, I am having a relationship."

I wish now I had said "you are the one committing adultery" as it would have had more weight and been harder to deny or twist.

kansas1968 posted 7/23/2013 01:19 AM

I agree. It is a betrayal above all, and a betrayal is the hardest thing to forgive because nothing hurts so much.

dmari posted 7/23/2013 01:25 AM

YES! Thank you! You are absolutely correct! I never used the word "affair" either but never really thought about why I didn't. I think you hit the nail on the head. Affair sounds so "airy" or something. I usually say "He committed adultery or infidelity) but I will now replace that with betrayal. That word is so much more accurate. Thank you for bringing this up!

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