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wert posted 7/22/2013 14:36 PM

I think this is a key concept in understanding R.

After discovery hyper-vigilance is often a trait of the BS. Intense attention on details of all kinds. It's a very normal reaction.

As time passes I have found my vigilance is not so much hyper , but my focus on paying attention to relationships is greatly improved and intense. I follow conversations much closer, watch very closely what people say and what they do. This includes my W.

A critical transition period happened for us about 6 months ago. That hyper-vigilance was transferred to her. That transfer was the best part of R so far for me. She watches herself. She discusses things with me as the come up. She i s vigilant about her boundaries, conversations and relationships outside of our M. I watch when I am present, well, because I always try to be present, but it is her job now. That is a gift she has given me in R and it is a great relief.

The transference of vigilance is a great goal to set out to achieve post A. No one wants to be a baby sitter, so the WS needs to prove and continue to discuss this process and transfer. Discussion of this processes, I think, is critical in the healing process of the M.

take care...

PinkJeepLady posted 7/22/2013 14:42 PM

Thank you for sharing that insightful observation! It makes complete sense to me.
I really like how your wife is taking ownership and responsibility, good for her! Good for both of you and it sounds like you are making progress!
Keep up the good work, both of you!

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