I think this is a key concept in understanding R.
After discovery hyper-vigilance is often a trait of the BS. Intense attention on details of all kinds. It's a very normal reaction.
As time passes I have found my vigilance is not so much hyper , but my focus on paying attention to relationships is greatly improved and intense. I follow conversations much closer, watch very closely what people say and what they do. This includes my W.
A critical transition period happened for us about 6 months ago. That hyper-vigilance was transferred to her. That transfer was the best part of R so far for me. She watches herself. She discusses things with me as the come up. She i s vigilant about her boundaries, conversations and relationships outside of our M. I watch when I am present, well, because I always try to be present, but it is her job now. That is a gift she has given me in R and it is a great relief.
The transference of vigilance is a great goal to set out to achieve post A. No one wants to be a baby sitter, so the WS needs to prove and continue to discuss this process and transfer. Discussion of this processes, I think, is critical in the healing process of the M.
take care...
