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Violetta posted 7/22/2013 16:03 PM

Two months ago, my WH told me he "loved me but wasn't in love with me." One month later, he finally confessed he was in love with OW (I had suspected and he'd denied it). He says it was an EA only, and I tend to believe it, but obviously am maintaining a healthy dose of skepticism.

I tried to convince him to R, but he repeatedly told me he just didn't want to or feel able to try. He gave me a load of ever-changing crap about how he'd "always been unhappy."

Then, a few days ago, he told me he wants a divorce. He had only told her a few weeks before how he'd felt!

She and her husband had apparently been having marriage issues for awhile (though they've been married less than a year), and he moved out a few weeks ago. He didn't know; I did get in touch with him. He was shocked. He also told me that she was denying everything.

Of course, WH (who is living with his parents now) thinks I'm sooo meeeen and is defending her decision to deny everything. She couldn't even be honest with a man she already DIDN'T EVEN WANT TO BE MARRIED TO ANYMORE!

His parents are furious with him. The kids (we have three, 6 and under) miss him terribly. All of our friends are horrified and baffled. She is the ONLY person he has to lean on right now, and she can't even 'fess up to their "relationship." I frankly wonder if she'll even be interested when he's giving me half his (considerable) income in alimony and child support.

I still very much want to R -- he was a terrific husband and dad for 9 1/2 of our 10 years together, and I DO believe we can fix this, if he's willing to just freaking TRY -- but am seeing a couple of attorneys to see what I'm entitled to.

I just don't understand why he's pushing all this soooo fast. It was less than two months from the ILYB discussion to him saying he wants a divorce. I think he knows she isn't going to hang around long if she has to wait for him.

This is breaking my heart. I don't know what happened to the kind, thoughtful, considerate husband and father I've known all these years. I don't know why he's apparently so willing to give up half his income and (at least) half our kids' childhoods for this awful woman.

There's no doubt in my mind that he'll regret this eventually. I'm just hoping and praying that it happens before our marriage is over or damaged irreparably. In the meantime, I'm doing the 180 with all my might and trying to keep myself and the kids busy and happy.

[This message edited by Violetta at 4:05 PM, July 22nd (Monday)]

doggiemom12 posted 7/22/2013 16:08 PM

Sorry that you find yourself here.

He is acting in a pretty predictable way as you will see if you read here alot.

See the lawyers soon. Take half the money and put it into an account only you can access. Change the locks on the doors. Don't let him eat cake. Ω

You need to get serious now and take care of business. He will not be looking out for you anymore, trust me.

Good luck and keep posting.

TXBW68 posted 7/22/2013 16:55 PM

Sounds exactly like my husband last year. They became "friends" in February. In March, he said "not sure I want to be married". In April, ILYBINILWY speech. Moved out on 4/29 for his COW who lives 1600 miles away and is also a BW (her WH left her/3 kids for his OW). They had never even touched prior to him moving out. All internet/text/work phone.

I did everything but beg him to open his eyes. It was a waste of time. You can't make them see - they have to come to terms with it themselves.

It's very hard to do but you need to take control right now. Even if you are not ready to D, talk to a lawyer about a legal separation. Get support/visitation/who resides in house/etc documented NOW!

I also did some investigative work on my own and discovered that she wasn't the first - actually #4. You may want to start checking phone records/social media/etc.

My H didn't pull his head out of his ass until October when I told him I was ready to file for D. There are a few of us on SI that have R after a separation. But we're not the norm.

Just take it day by day. Try to focus on taking care of yourself. Your kids need you now more than ever. Post as often as you need. I did not find SI until August. By then, I was a mess!! The people here will help you thru just as they helped me.


JustWow posted 7/22/2013 17:03 PM

I'm so sorry you are on the poop end of all of this.

If your H is anything like this - you got the ILYBNILWY garbage when he was already deep in the A. They don't give the BS a half of a thought at the beginning of the A. The ILYBNILWY is the typical garbage to rewrite the M ansd "excuse" themselves from the sins already committed.

So while you first got wind of this 2 months ago, it is quite possible that the A started a while before that. 2 months ago was possibly when he started to consider how his behavior looked to him and started working on how to justify it to himslf.

The WS gets to deal with all this crap in real time. They are deciding it, doing it.

BS gets it trickled out in tidbits well after the fact.

You are handling this really well, better than most. I'm sure that is no consolation today.... someday perhaps it will be.

[This message edited by JustWow at 9:38 PM, July 22nd (Monday)]

blakesteele posted 7/22/2013 17:05 PM

(violetta) are in a very crazy, surreal part of this journey...try to "float" as the current of this flood rushes in. I know it is hard to do, and every part of your being wants to struggle and swim...and that time will come...but this is NOT that time.

As dm12 stated this is very predictable behavior...does not make it comfortable but you should find comfort in this.

I discovered my wifes A relatively early on...within 2 months of it really getting going. Hard to say how it would have gone if it had remained a secret for longer then that. But even given that short period of time my wife made the "I am not sure I was ever truly happy in this marriage" statement to me. It was said during the fog, but it was still said. My wife continued her A 2 months after our DD, then TT'ed for 2 months after that....

I suggest doing the "180". It serves several purposes and I wished I had known about it early on.

1. It gets you out of the situation...might even consider a controlled separation. Your mind is most likely like mine was...thinking that you are somehow in this together. Problem is your husband, as any WS is at this point, is absolutely NOT in this with you...they are acting and doing things almost in SPITE of you. Much energy can be wasted by you as he is not receptive to any love or support you are wanting to offer as you hold onto what a marriage "should" be when trauma hits. Also remember that this is not "traumatic" for your might be hurtful to them but they are very much in it for have his affair he has sufficiently disconnected from you some time ago. I don't want to be mean but I believe this is a fact. I know me being around my wife immediately following my DD I was relentless with questions as I tried to piece together this puzzle. As I questioned her it gave her more opportunity to lie and hurt me. I would try and console her, assure her that I am committed to our marriage and am willing to do what it takes to improve it...all of that wasted as she had no real interest in working on our marriage at that time. This has added to the healing time and things said have added numerous new scars. I simply did not understand the skewed dynamics at play gotta stop thinking this is a team venture at this point. At this point it is every man for himself...dont be mean but a WS has proven to be able to break their vows..and those vows are what binded you together as a team...WS early on just don't care...they are in a very selfish spot.

2. It gives your WH a chance to "feel" what it is he profess's to wanting. And he may very well "feel" the same way after he leaves. But if that is where he is going, better to know that now.

A psycologist wrote the following 3 statements that sum up the life cycle of an affair. He states;

Affairs almost always die because they are nurtured by dishonesty and thoughtlessness, characteristics that eventually destroy any relationship.

The passion that keeps an affair alive cannot be sustained with honesty and thoughtfulness.

Once the passion has ended, the foolishness of the affair becomes apparent to the unfaithful spouse.

It seems so simple to read these three statments...seems so easy to overcome this trauma....but it is not. Too many variables, too many things moving in and out.

It takes real fortitude to take this narrow path. It appears easier right now to take the wide path of divorce. Right now your husband is most likely thinking his life would be soo much better doubt divorce would be painful but he would have the "reward" of being with someone who he loves like he never loved before.

I state this because my perception of my wife during her A was very much like this. Her AP was married with 5 kids and was not prepared to leave his wife and logically she knew this was not an option for her...but emotionally (which is where A live) she did not grasp it in this way. I am witnessing a very real struggle within my wife as she tries to make sense of what she has done.

I think my wife still has doubts as to what quality our marriage was and, more specifically, what it could be. To be honest, I have doubts too...but, for right now, we are "truthing" these doubts between us....being radically honest and seeking to look deep inside of ourselves to define what our problems are.

so at what point do you decide enough is enough?

For me I will make that decision when I have gained more clarity...and I gain clarity each week (not each day due to the roller coaster)...but each week is long enough to say I am gaining clarity over the previous week.

Hang in there....this is a crazy time.

God be with you.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 5:19 PM, July 22nd (Monday)]

Skan posted 7/22/2013 20:06 PM

The thing that you have to understand, Violetta, is that the man that is standing in front of you isn't your husband. Have you seen Men In Black? Your husband is an alien who happens to be walking around in a human-shaped suit that happens to look like your WH. Looks like him. Smells like him. Pulls up the correct names when he speaks to people. But it's an alien, a pod-person, who is wearing your husband-shaped suit.

You can't expect that alien to act like the beloved person that you married. It isn't. It looks at you with eyes and a brain that really doesn't get the fact that your married, had a loving life together, and a history together. It doesn't really see you at all. You're just an impediment to what it wants. Or what it thinks it wants.

Please take a look at this If You Love Them, Divorce Them. I hope it helps you a bit. (((hugs)))

blakesteele posted 7/22/2013 20:17 PM

Wow that's a post! It does convey what I, a BS, thinks a WS does while affected by their A.

I wish more WS would post their true feelings during ALL of their journey...and not just the part where they recognize the fantasy that was their A.

Violetta posted 7/22/2013 21:23 PM

Thanks for your thoughts, everyone. I have seen one attorney, and I have an appointment with another on Friday. So I am definitely looking out for my own and my kids' interests.

I don't intend to file right now. I may get to the point where I want to, but since I don't want a divorce, I don't particularly want to initiate one right now. Frankly, I don't think she'll be around long at all. Her own marriage lasted less than nine months, and I think the "fun" of her relationship with my WH will wear off very quickly now that it's become more than a fantasy. And when he looks around and sees that he's lost his home, his wife, his children, his friends, and even his family, I think reality will hit him very very hard. And, at that point, I'll have a hell of a lot of thinking of my own to do. (If I haven't already thrown in the towel.)

I should clarify that my husband admits he'd had feelings for her for months. I don't think they ever really talked about them until recently, but I suspected months ago. He denied it, of course, and I didn't imagine they were reciprocated, because she was so newly married herself.

The alien analogy made me laugh. I have a friend who went through a similar situation several years ago — in her case, they did end up divorcing – and she's used the "aliens ate his brain" line herself. It's extremely true… This man bears absolutely no resemblance to the one I know and love.

I'm trying to let him have as little cake as possible. He is not living at home, and I've asked him to please not come here unless he gives me advance notice, or to come in without knocking. He lets me know what the beginning of the week which days he would like to see the kids, and then he's 100% responsible for feeding them, entertaining them, etc. whilel he has them. I keep communication with him to a bare minimum — usually just involving kid related stuff — and am cheerful and upbeat when I see him.

Also, Friday is our 10th anniversary. I'm throwing an un-anniversary party, with lots of girlfriends and lots of booze :-) His parents live right down the street, so I hope he sees all the cars and wonders what's going on :-)

TXBW68 posted 7/22/2013 22:43 PM

The Men in Black analogy is spot on! I called my husband "Edgar" when we were separated!

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