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Rugswept and Not Allowed to Express Feelings

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spotoncheerio posted 7/22/2013 16:49 PM

I had my whole story typed out when my power went out and I'm feeling so low today I can't quite summon the energy to rewrite everything.

Long story short, my WH of 6 months had a ONS with my (ex) friend the day after we took our vows (Married Jan 9th, had A jan 10th). He confessed to me a month and a half later in late February after I'd made a comment about separating from him becaus his attitude and behavior were abhorrent and affecting my work and school life negatively.

The woman he slept with was someone he had expressed interest in before we started dating but was rejected by. I found out that she did in fact like him after we were married and it sort of freaked me out because I'd always been insecure about her and him because I was his second choice (Plus they spent a lot of time together because her and I were friends). I asked him about it in passing one morning and he got really nervous and admitted that he had known but it didn't matter because he was with me. Later that same day she sent me a nasty text saying I was never her real friend because I didn't ask her to date my WH all those years ago.

Lots of arguing and tears followed his confession and in early March I left for my parents' home and stayed for a week with NC to figure out if I wanted to stay with WH or not. When we meet up again he tells me he slept with her while I was gone and I also find sext messages on his phone between him and an old ex FWB.

I decide to stay and work things out.

Currently we've been trying to R but he refuses to go to counseling for himself and us. He has told me on several occasions that he doesn't like for me to talk about the A, that he only cut off contact with her because I asked, and that I need to let it go and forgive him. He's been rugsweeping me like crazy. Because of this I've had a lot of resentment build up and the only way I can express my emotions when I get triggered is through anger and he has said he will not tolerate me being mean to him when it happens. He also no longer allows for me to look through his phone and refuses to hand it over when I ask for it.

Has anyone else had this happen? He wants to just forget about everything and expects for me to be fine and trust him immediately. It's been four months and I feel like the wound is still very fresh. I'm leaning towards leaving him now but always get sucked back in because on our good days we are good. I just have nobody to talk to because my friends and family said I have no self respect for staying with him and don't want to hear about it and makes me feel bad and tired everyday. I'm just so tired.

What am I supposed to do? I could really use some guidance right now. Thanks in advance.

Tearsoflove posted 7/22/2013 16:52 PM

What am I supposed to do? I could really use some guidance right now.

Read about and implement the 180. You are in reconciliation but he is not.

spotoncheerio posted 7/22/2013 17:01 PM

Oh wow. Thank you, tearsoflove!

I've done almost all of it wrong up until now. In fact I may have done everything that list has said not to do.

man, this is rough.

1Faith posted 7/22/2013 17:05 PM

Currently we've been trying to R but he refuses to go to counseling for himself and us. He has told me on several occasions that he doesn't like for me to talk about the A, that he only cut off contact with her because I asked,

Ditto to what Tears stated. You are not in reconciliation. You are in denial and rug sweeping.

You get to decide what YOU want and need to stay. If him going to counseling is a deal breaker and he won't go, then you have your answer.

Reconciliation is where the WS will do WHATEVER it takes to make the BS feel as if it is worth trying to salvage.

(((gently))) Why are you allowing him to call the shots? He cheated on you and he is driving the bus? This is only happening because you are allowing it to occur.

Take the power back and list your requirements for a true and meaningful reconciliation.

He also no longer allows for me to look through his phone and refuses to hand it over when I ask for it.

Why would you allow this? He needs to earn your trust back however possible. That means transparency on every level.

Fight for yourself. You deserved honesty and truth.

Good luck. Post often and stay strong.

LovingFool posted 7/22/2013 17:11 PM


I am so very sorry you found yourself here so soon after being married.

He is definitely rug sweeping and doesn't seem remorseful. He slept with her right after y'all got married. Then again when you left for a few days to think things over. WTF? My initial reaction is there are better fish in the sea. It seems like he has been deceptive your entire short lived marriage so far. I certainly don't mean to come across harsh. Obviously you love him and are in an a lot of pain right now.

Read a lot of the articles on this site. They have been a huge help. Make a list of things he needs to do to re establish your trust. If he can't do those, then maybe you need to re think R.

Above all, take care. Get plenty of rest, drink lots of water, take some vitamins, and take care of yourself.

spotoncheerio posted 7/22/2013 17:12 PM

Thank you for your response, Faith. I think I've allowed for him to take the reigns because I'm completely in over my head. I have no support from my friends or family and nobody to slap some sense into me.

As for the whole phone ordeal, he said this to me two nights ago when I asked for his phone after a movie. He got really defensive and asked why and that immediately made me suspicious because he hadn't been complaining before. He then told me he would no longer be giving me his phone as, and I quote, "transparency isn't a substitute for trust". He feels like my snooping is deterring me from trusting him even though I tried to explain to him that when I have concrete proof that he is being trustworthy it makes it so that I trust him a little more each day.

spotoncheerio posted 7/22/2013 17:16 PM

Thank you, LovingFool, for your reply!

Yes, two weeks after his revelation I left because it was simply to painful to look at him everyday and also because my friend group in the area of about 4 or five people all knew about his cheating and had decided not to tell me. I just had to escape.

I then heard through another mutual friend that he was doing really bad so I contacted him (I'd had all communication from his end blocked) and we decided to work on things.

1Faith posted 7/22/2013 17:20 PM

First, I would say go in with your own set our requirements for reconciliation.

Do not allow him to call all the shots.

1. NC immediately with AP

2. IC for him and for you. Eventually MC.

3. Full transparency of what has occurred and why he feels it was the path to choose vs. being honest with you about concerns with the marriage. You are correct, there is no perfect marriage but one day after you took your wedding vows? Couldn't be faithful for one day?

Sometimes you have to be willing to lose the marriage in order to save it.

He is in the fog and right now there are zero consequences for his selfish behavior.

"transparency isn't a substitute for trust"

Response: Transparency will help me see if I can ever trust you again. I have zero trust for you now because you chose to destroy it. Trust is earned not granted or demanded.

(((gently))I am not sure your age but I have two daughters and if they were in your shoes only 6 months after being married, I would be encouraging them to cut ties and run. Life is too short and your husband is behaving like an entitled ass.

Take care and stay strong.

Sending healthy hugs and prayers.

tushnurse posted 7/22/2013 17:22 PM

Sweetie from someone who has managed to R and is all for R I am going to give you the opposite advice.
This douche cheated on you the day after your wedding? Then he tells you that you just have to trust him?!?

Um No you don't and no you shouldn't. His reaction screams of continued cheating or a new A.

Run don't walk, RUN away from this asshole. Annul your M and get yourself into IC to figure out why you would allow a many to treat you like this so you learn and NEVER allow another man to treat you like this.

You can be happy and healthy but not with this guy.

Tearsoflove posted 7/22/2013 17:26 PM

But you're not working on things. Rug sweeping sets a precedence in a relationship. By not identifying issues, showing remorse, and doing whatever you need to help you heal, he's holding onto whatever in him allowed him to cheat. Under those circumstances, it's usually not a matter of if he'll cheat again but when. Without the remorse and the work, the next justification to cheat will be easier.

180 and get yourself strong so you can decide what YOU want for yourself. If he pulls his head out of his ass while you're getting there, you can decide if he's worth working with.

spotoncheerio posted 7/22/2013 18:28 PM

Thank you again Faith for your reply! I will definitely use that response when I talk to him later today. I'm 21 and I know I would give my own sister the same advise but sometimes it's so hard to follow your own.

I'm not sure what goes through WH head as he feels like he's been doing really well in trying to regain my trust by buying me things. He thinks that by being nice to me he is also being trustworhty. He stopped hanging out with that group of friends in which OW is part of and also stopped talking to the ex FWB but only at my behest. He feels like my being uncomfortable with him talking to them equates to me being controlling.

I think my primary issue with leaving is because I gave my virginity to this man. I waited until marriage so it could be special and it's just...not and that hurts so bad because now I'm damaged goods and if I ever get out of this marriage no one will want me because I've already been used.

Thank you also Tush for your reply! Packing up my things and getting out of this marriage is looking more and more appealing by the second. I feel like I just cant leave without trying to work on this. As far as I know he had absolutely zero reason to cheat and had never done so in our previous two years together. When I ask him his reason simply is, "I just wanted to do it because I would never be with another woman again". Sometimes I wonder if this man is a sociopath for his complete and utter lack of disregard for me.

spotoncheerio posted 7/22/2013 18:31 PM

Tearsoflove,the stuff you've said has made a lot of sense and really got my wheels turning in my head. He says his reason for cheating is because he'd never get a chance to be with another woman again so he might as well taken advantage of the opportunity when it presented itself. It's sick.

I've told him time and time again that I was going to resent him and that we would never be back to where we were but he just doesn't listen. He is more concerned about how HE feels when I get triggered or want to ask questions about the A.

And writing this all out has been really cathartic. Looking back over the things I have written has left me appalled at myself to think that I would let someone treat me this way.

solus sto posted 7/22/2013 18:50 PM

Run don't walk, RUN away from this asshole. Annul your M and get yourself into IC to figure out why you would allow a many to treat you like this so you learn and NEVER allow another man to treat you like this.

You can be happy and healthy but not with this guy.

I am NOT a huge, "Cut bait and run" person. I stayed in my marriage for a very very long time.

But I agree with the above advice.

You have no children. Your marriage was over before it started.

You can choose one of two things: to put your trust in a man of such flimsy moral fiber (and the day after your wedding really does indicate this; if he can't manage to be faithful during the honeymoon phase of your marriage, when can he?), and build a completely new relationship (hint: rugsweeping will not permit this), or you can choose to leave him to his "But I couldn't say no because it was offered!" sexual exploration and live a genuine life---open to the love of a GOOD man.

Rugsweeping ABSOLUTELY precludes the emotional intimacy needed to sustain a marriage. Sure, you can stay married with tons of shit under the rug---I did, and I didn't even realize it, not all the way. Oh, I felt a disconnect, but was pressured to refrain from talking about it. Things were "fine." Only, they weren't. The infidelity started early, and continued, with rare hiatus, for the 25 years we were together. I learned the extent of it about 24 years in.

It was soul-crushing.

You have a great benefit: you KNOW. You KNOW what you married, right away.

He is not showing you any intention of doing what is necessary to truly R.

I'd lay out your expectations for R--and watch carefully (for a finite period of time) to see how proactive he is at meeting them.

In the meantime, I'd do the 180, HARD.

And if he doesn't step up to the plate, I'd file.

Life is too short to waste on fucked up assholes.

ETA: Sweetheart, it's 2013, and you've been married. It's okay that you're not a virgin. There's not a man on the planet who'd consider you "damaged goods." Don't make things harder on yourself by creating elaborate mythology in your mind. Life's hard enough without complicating it with stories you tell yourself. Tell yourself the TRUTH. You are married to a man who values you far less than you deserve. The longer you tolerate this, the more damaged you'll become. It's not his penis that did you in, honey. It's the rest of the garbage.

[This message edited by solus sto at 6:54 PM, July 22nd (Monday)]

Ashland13 posted 7/22/2013 18:53 PM

I'm sorry, Cheerio. Yes, this happened to me and after much going on, still nearly ExH expects trust out of me.

He has actually said, and I quote: "I have no agenda now! (sarcasm on the "now".) He also gives me sh if I say that I don't trust him or show it and is absolutely appalled.

I'm truly sorry for your hard times and hope you won't put up with anymore, but it's some very hard things to choose.

Your story has similarities to mine, where it was only I who was trying to R, while he was out soliciting other women. We were married about 20 years.

I don't want to get longer and hope that you will be able to make some good choices for yourself.

It might be hard to hear, as it was for me, that this man does not respect your or your relationship with him. He may not respect the other women, either, if that's any comfort-for me it was a little so I will mention it.

I'm sorry you find yourself in such a spot and hope again that it will be over, one way or the other, soon.

kansas1968 posted 7/22/2013 18:59 PM

Wow. He is a piece of work. He is punishing you for his affair!! Do not tolerate that for a minute. You did NOTHING wrong but love and marry him and he has been cheating on you since then and essentially is telling you that it really isn't you that he wants, but since you are married, you might as well stick it out.
You have every right to be angry, furious, and he has absolutely no right to tell you not to be.
He is deep in the FOG and will stay there as long as you let him.
If he loves you, then he will snap out of it if he thinks he is losing you, and if he doesn't, then you are far better off without him. He will give you nothing but pain.
See an attorney, let him know you have, start a hard 180, and if he starts to come around, give him a non-negotiable list of requirements for attempting reconcilliation.

All passwords, access to all phones, computers, tablets, etc.

No, absolutely no contact with AP.

Counseling for him, you, and both of you together.

Complete transparency. Period.

So sorry you have to be here, but you will get support, advice, and love.
Hugs. K

Nature_Girl posted 7/22/2013 21:12 PM

I think my primary issue with leaving is because I gave my virginity to this man. I waited until marriage so it could be special and it's just...not and that hurts so bad because now I'm damaged goods and if I ever get out of this marriage no one will want me because I've already been used.

You are a human being. You are not a product or piece of merchandise. You cannot be "damaged goods" because you are a human being. You have value far above your hymen or sexual activity status. To describe yourself as undesirable or unworthy because you've been "used" is not logical. People don't become impure because they have sex. Please don't make virginity an idol like that. Idol worship, eg virginity worship, is not healthy.

Don't let another person or group emotionally manipulate you into thinking you must stay with a cheater because of your sexual activity status.

doggiemom12 posted 7/22/2013 21:16 PM


You have nothing to lose and your whole life ahead of you. He is a jerk and a user and a liar.

Be glad you found out so fast. Leave him.
Get on with your life. Don't waste another minute on this POS.

Good luck .

MystiKay posted 7/23/2013 01:10 AM

Weather you stay or go, don't rugsweep. I did and there wasn't even a day between both women. He was mad i caught him so he started talking to someone he knew i hated.

I am so sorry you find yourself here. Take care of yourself!!! Post as much as you need to, we are here.

sohowamI posted 7/23/2013 06:09 AM

Sweetheart, you are a [very] young woman with her whole life ahead of her. This 'man' will never change. HE is damaged. Not you. You need to cut and run now and not to stay with someone who has treated you so shabbily from day one.

A man who cheats on his brand new wife within the first week of their marriage has no concept of moral values; he has no moral compass and it's unlikely that he's going to embrace one.

The concept of 'damaged goods' because you are no longer a virgin is completely and utterly outdated - unless, of course, you are an orthodox religionist - and even then... No one would blame you to ditch this person. He's unfaithful, disloyal, untrustworthy and a liar. What's his appeal?

tushnurse posted 7/23/2013 08:06 AM

"Damaged Goods" Really?
Take a step back and look at this without emotion, and how you would view someone else in your position.

It is quite admirable that you saved yourself for your Husband. Many people do, but it is less common these days. The whole idea about saving yourself, is about the level of commitment that should be in place prior to sharing something so special and intimate. This means that if you choose to leave, that you can make that same choice again. When you find someone you really love, and that person really loves you back, and treats you with the love and respect you deserve (not what you are getting now) you can choose to share yourself with him. He isn't going to give to rips that your aren't a virgin. He is going to care that he treats you well, and that it is special, and that you enjoy it, and it feels good.

I am guessing by the information you have shared about your spouse that he is not focusing on your pleasure when you are intimate. If I'm wrong, please feel free to set me straight, but somone this self involved, and controlling, probably doesn't have the first clue how to put someone elses needs first.

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